Children making men run and jump

[Cas_P]

Ok, so perhaps this isn't the best place to post this. However I really want a mans point of veiw on this.

I met this guy when I was away on summber break a few weeks ago, we spent loads of time together and had a laugh. I never kept it a secret that I had a 3 year old son and he seemed fine with that. I said he lives with me 4 days and then his dad for 4 days (around his shift work). When I got back I went to Gloucester to see him and we had a laugh again, he seemed really interested, even more so than I was initially. When I got back to Reading he was still texting saying he wanted to see me soon etc however the next day he was pretty quiet, and the day after so I asked if there was a problem. Turns out he's freaked out because of Jakob, so I was a bit upset but c'est la vie and let it go. Then the other night he leaves me a voicemail saying he just freaked out and was an idiot and wanted to give it a chance, so I tried to call no answer, sent a text no reply. Then today I spoke to him on the phone, he said sorry he was just really drunk etc. I said I knew where he was coming from being scared, but it's not like he doesn't have his dad in his life and that I would never be expecting someone to take on that role. He said he knew but he'd rather run than have doubts. Fair enough.

What I want to know, is, being an adult is it THAT daunting for someone to have a child. Ok it's a big thing but if it would not really effect you, which in these circumstances I'd see him when Jakob was at his dads so it wouldn't. Would you rather run away even if you really liked someone, or see how it goes?

I just wanted some input, I'm not going to speak to him again and waste my time with it because that'd be pointless and I deserve better. Should I expect this to be a frequent problem? Single is hassle free, and I like that, but I don't want to be single forever!

[Neil H]

To be honest, it would put me off. It's not just the child, it's the child's father who would also be inextricably linked to the relationship. It also seems to me that you'd inherit all the downsides of having kids with few, if any, of the good sides.

[Cas_P]

Neil H said:

To be honest, it would put me off. It's not just the child, it's the child's father who would also be inextricably linked to the relationship. It also seems to me that you'd inherit all the downsides of having kids with few, if any, of the good sides.

What downsides? I can't think of any that my son brings at all.

[bertie]

Two thoughts, one the bloke clearly isn't really that adult, yes it might make you think about it but as you say, if you really liked someone it shouldn't be a big issue.

Second, is that really how you spell Jakob, isn't it Jacob?

[Scamper]

i think when mature (anyone over 30!) adults start dating again you will inevitably encounter people who have had kids from a previous marriage/relationship. At least you were up front and told him and it wasnt a surprise 3 months down the line...

move on....

[Neil H]

Cas_P said:

What downsides? I can't think of any that my son brings at all.

Babysitters, tantrums, schooling, expense etc etc. I just imagine all would be more wearing if it was someone elses child.

I should point out that I don't have kids myself! Although that may be obvious.

As Bertie says if you meet the right person I doubt it would be an issue.

[Cas_P]

bertie said:

Two thoughts, one the bloke clearly isn't really that adult, yes it might make you think about it but as you say, if you really liked someone it shouldn't be a big issue.

Second, is that really how you spell Jakob, isn't it Jacob?

Names can be spelt many different ways. And my son is called Jakob.

[Bill]

Cas_P said:

Neil H said:

To be honest, it would put me off. It's not just the child, it's the child's father who would also be inextricably linked to the relationship. It also seems to me that you'd inherit all the downsides of having kids with few, if any, of the good sides.

What downsides? I can't think of any that my son brings at all.

And that right there is the problem. He won't have that genetic blindness to the hassles and, dare I say it, your son's faults.

[Adrenochrome]

Wouldn't worry me in the slightest, the guy is just being immature and you're better off without him if that's how he behaves (imo)

[Cas_P]

Neil H said:

Cas_P said:

What downsides? I can't think of any that my son brings at all.

Babysitters, tantrums, schooling, expense etc etc. I just imagine all would be more wearing if it was someone elses child.

I should point out that I don't have kids myself! Although that may be obvious.

As Bertie says if you meet the right person I doubt it would be an issue.

As I said he is with me 4 days and his dad 4 days so I generally go out during those 4 days and spend the other 4 doing things with Jakob. I'd never expect another man to have an input with schooling, expenses etc. That is my responsibility.

[SGirl]

Cas_P said:

Then the other night he leaves me a voicemail saying he just freaked out and was an idiot

^^^ What he said.

You and Jakob deserve better than some bloke who's going to blow all hot and cold on you and be enough of a prat to blame his moods on your son.

[Cas_P]

Bill said:

Cas_P said:

Neil H said:

To be honest, it would put me off. It's not just the child, it's the child's father who would also be inextricably linked to the relationship. It also seems to me that you'd inherit all the downsides of having kids with few, if any, of the good sides.

What downsides? I can't think of any that my son brings at all.

And that right there is the problem. He won't have that genetic blindness to the hassles and, dare I say it, your son's faults.

He is a normal 3 year old boy, he is very well behaved, with any child you will get the tantrums here and there but I wouldn't call them 'faults'. And he would not have to deal with these things, this is my responsibility. As I said, I would of generally seen him when Jakob was at his dads also, as he also lives an hour away.

[rhinochopig]

But in means you're not a virgin and the other man you slept with HAS a bigger willy or something.

My son farted in the bath the other day. I thought it was hilarious / so did he. We stop developing emotionally at about 18months to 2 years. Sorry but it's true.

[TuxRacer]

Cas_P said:

Neil H said:

To be honest, it would put me off. It's not just the child, it's the child's father who would also be inextricably linked to the relationship. It also seems to me that you'd inherit all the downsides of having kids with few, if any, of the good sides.

What downsides? I can't think of any that my son brings at all.

A father who is someone else.
A lot of commitment potentially, responsibility certainly.

Only negatives from a certain viewpoint admittedly, but it's a big deal to someone who may not have been involved with a young child as a father or even an an uncle, etc. Not everyone won't be able to get past it though.

[Cas_P]

SGirl said:

Cas_P said:

Then the other night he leaves me a voicemail saying he just freaked out and was an idiot

^^^ What he said.

You and Jakob deserve better than some bloke who's going to blow all hot and cold on you and be enough of a prat to blame his moods on your son.

I like to think so, however I seem to have the worst luck with men and it seems never ending.

[SystemParanoia]

I dont see the problem TBH, im on the other side of the equasion ( seperated from the mum in another relatonship etc etc )

the real stress is on dad rather than mums new partner.

mum gets the days off to do couply things, be spontanious and just be in love etc etc.

but dad is on the go all the time, if not working, then dad has the kids, never any down time, or time to do those forementioned couply things and be spontanious.

so imo hes being rediculous and you should loose his number.

[Shaolin]

He wants to have a relationship with you, but you already have a significant other that he knows nothing about and has no genetic link to, nor any choice over. It may or may not be a problem for some people but if you don't at least acknowledge that, then the relationship will be difficult to say the least.

There is a huge difference in the practicalities of a relationship with and without a child from a previous relationship. What do you think the upsides of you having a child are for this man?

[Neil H]

Cas_P said:

As I said he is with me 4 days and his dad 4 days so I generally go out during those 4 days and spend the other 4 doing things with Jakob. I'd never expect another man to have an input with schooling, expenses etc. That is my responsibility.

If the relationship develops they will, at some point, become joint responsibilities, there's no escaping it.

I'm just trying to give you the immature male PoV.

[Adrenochrome]

Shaolin said:

He wants to have a relationship with you, but you already have a significant other that he knows nothing about and has no genetic link to, nor any choice over. It may or may not be a problem for some people but if you don't at least acknowledge that, then the relationship will be difficult to say the least.

There is a huge difference in the practicalities of a relationship with and without a child from a previous relationship. What do you think the upsides of you having a child are for this man?

Whilst I agree that the guy has to be prepared to be second best in the relationship always, are you saying that he will have no benefits to becoming attached?

[bertie]

Cas_P said:

bertie said:

Two thoughts, one the bloke clearly isn't really that adult, yes it might make you think about it but as you say, if you really liked someone it shouldn't be a big issue.

Second, is that really how you spell Jakob, isn't it Jacob?

Names can be spelt many different ways. And my son is called Jakob.

Did you just make up the spelling?

I had a look here as it was new to me.. http://www.boysnames.co.uk/boys-names-beginning-wi...

I appreciate it's totaly your call, and you can name hima anything you want spelt however you like, just curious.