Following Split up - how often do you see your kids?
Discussion
Apologies for yet another break up thread, but as I am in the throws of going through this I would appreciate a bit of advice from those who have been through this, as I am mre emotional than rational at the moment.
Situation is we have 2 girls, 3.5 and 1.5. We are splitting, no one else involved just don't really like each other anymore. I have tried staying together 'for the kids', but this is not possible. We have agreed we are to split, the house and financial issues are being resolved, but there are issues with access.
I want to see them as much as possible obviously, but she has suggested that I have them every other weekend. To me this is unnacceptable, as I've seen them every day of their lives so far and they change so quickly.
Based on your experiences, is this every other weekend the best solution? I am told this gives them structure and stability, and that me having them one day every weekend would cause too many problems. I know I need to do what's best for them, and not what I want, but is seeing both parensts as often as possible not better?
Any advise, comments on what you've encountered would be appreciated. This is all new to me, and I want to what's best for the most precious things in my life.
Situation is we have 2 girls, 3.5 and 1.5. We are splitting, no one else involved just don't really like each other anymore. I have tried staying together 'for the kids', but this is not possible. We have agreed we are to split, the house and financial issues are being resolved, but there are issues with access.
I want to see them as much as possible obviously, but she has suggested that I have them every other weekend. To me this is unnacceptable, as I've seen them every day of their lives so far and they change so quickly.
Based on your experiences, is this every other weekend the best solution? I am told this gives them structure and stability, and that me having them one day every weekend would cause too many problems. I know I need to do what's best for them, and not what I want, but is seeing both parensts as often as possible not better?
Any advise, comments on what you've encountered would be appreciated. This is all new to me, and I want to what's best for the most precious things in my life.
Admittedly I was in digs for a long time during the separation as it ran down to the divorce, and so having my two boys to stay overnight would have been awkward, but I saw them almost every Saturday for years. As they grew older and busier I could often only see one of them. But staying in touch regularly is the key. I reckon I only missed three or four weekends per year and it has paid dividends in the long run; we are really good mates now.
That's about normal I'd say.
Don't let frustration and anger cloud your judgement. The last thing you want is a bad feeling with your ex, kids pick up on it and it'll get messy at court.
Stick with the current suggestion then in six months gently mention to her you'd like to see them in the week or just more often. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.
Don't let frustration and anger cloud your judgement. The last thing you want is a bad feeling with your ex, kids pick up on it and it'll get messy at court.
Stick with the current suggestion then in six months gently mention to her you'd like to see them in the week or just more often. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.
I strongly suggest that you don't inadvertently end up using your kids as a weapon against your wife.
It will damage the children and you.
When my ex and I split acrimoniously, many years ago, we agreed that we would never, ever get our daughter involved in our disagreements. We also decided to be united in our dealings on her behalf and to work together to give her the very best upbringing that circumstances would allow.
We stuck to that agreement through thick and thin & now our daughter is a confident, well balanced and educated young woman.
I will go to my grave knowing that she got the very best of a bad deal.
It will damage the children and you.
When my ex and I split acrimoniously, many years ago, we agreed that we would never, ever get our daughter involved in our disagreements. We also decided to be united in our dealings on her behalf and to work together to give her the very best upbringing that circumstances would allow.
We stuck to that agreement through thick and thin & now our daughter is a confident, well balanced and educated young woman.
I will go to my grave knowing that she got the very best of a bad deal.
Blib said:
I strongly suggest that you don't inadvertently end up using your kids as a weapon against your wife.
I have no intention on doing this, I just want what's best for my children. Personally I want to see them as much as possible, but if that's not what's best for them, then whilst it will tear me apart, I will agree to this.I understand that I'm emotional about it all, hence asking for some advice from those who've been down this route already.
I see my two boys (now 7 and 5 but 2 and 3 months when we split up) every other weekend (except when holidays interfere). Whilst I would love to see them more it does mean that they can have weekends when they do stuff at their mother's - being part of their local football team) and weekends when they are with me. One day every weekend, in my opinion, just doesn't give you the length of time to properly get to know them and see how they are growing up.
It's tough not seeing them and their are days when I just don't think I can cope with it but then you have to look forward to when you are going to see them and what you are going to do.
Make sure you reach some sort of agreement about being able to take them on holiday.
I don't need to tell you it's not easy but there is another side and you still have an important role to play in bringing them up.
It's tough not seeing them and their are days when I just don't think I can cope with it but then you have to look forward to when you are going to see them and what you are going to do.
Make sure you reach some sort of agreement about being able to take them on holiday.
I don't need to tell you it's not easy but there is another side and you still have an important role to play in bringing them up.
Blib said:
I strongly suggest that you don't inadvertently end up using your kids as a weapon against your wife.
It will damage the children and you.
When my ex and I split acrimoniously, many years ago, we agreed that we would never, ever get our daughter involved in our disagreements. We also decided to be united in our dealings on her behalf and to work together to give her the very best upbringing that circumstances would allow.
We stuck to that agreement through thick and thin & now our daughter is a confident, well balanced and educated young woman.
I will go to my grave knowing that she got the very best of a bad deal.
It will damage the children and you.
When my ex and I split acrimoniously, many years ago, we agreed that we would never, ever get our daughter involved in our disagreements. We also decided to be united in our dealings on her behalf and to work together to give her the very best upbringing that circumstances would allow.
We stuck to that agreement through thick and thin & now our daughter is a confident, well balanced and educated young woman.
I will go to my grave knowing that she got the very best of a bad deal.
This, a hundred times this.
I have mine exactly 50% of the time and have done for about eight years now, they were the same age as yours when we split.
I'd say my kids are balanced, confident and really aren't bothered that they have two houses. The key is for both parties to behave like adults and not use the children as a weapon. As long as you avoid that they'll be fine.
Sometimes you have to put up with s
t that you don't really want to, but it's definitely worth it 
I'd say my kids are balanced, confident and really aren't bothered that they have two houses. The key is for both parties to behave like adults and not use the children as a weapon. As long as you avoid that they'll be fine.
Sometimes you have to put up with s
t that you don't really want to, but it's definitely worth it Justayellowbadge said:
Blib said:
I strongly suggest that you don't inadvertently end up using your kids as a weapon against your wife.
It will damage the children and you.
When my ex and I split acrimoniously, many years ago, we agreed that we would never, ever get our daughter involved in our disagreements. We also decided to be united in our dealings on her behalf and to work together to give her the very best upbringing that circumstances would allow.
We stuck to that agreement through thick and thin & now our daughter is a confident, well balanced and educated young woman.
I will go to my grave knowing that she got the very best of a bad deal.
It will damage the children and you.
When my ex and I split acrimoniously, many years ago, we agreed that we would never, ever get our daughter involved in our disagreements. We also decided to be united in our dealings on her behalf and to work together to give her the very best upbringing that circumstances would allow.
We stuck to that agreement through thick and thin & now our daughter is a confident, well balanced and educated young woman.
I will go to my grave knowing that she got the very best of a bad deal.
This, a hundred times this.
If you can make it work on a practical level, the best possible thing for your children is a 50/50 arrangement where they see each of you for an equal amount of time.
In Australia this is the default assumptive position which is then varied based on discussions around practicality etc. There is a movement that the UK adopt this position also.
As a father you are just as valuable to your girls as their mother and you have just as much a role to play in their upbringing. If you cannot agree then mediate, if mediation bears no fruit then the last resort is court but be aware in some respects even applying is losing and whatever the outcome there is no winner as the system itself is adversarial.
Your children are all that matters now, not your wishes or your ex wife's wishes, with luck you'll both realise this and find an accord.
Best of luck with it
Conian said:
50/50 is good, but doesnt british law somehow prefer for 1 parent to be the 'home' and the other one to be the 'away from home and pays CSA'
do the CSA get involved in 50/50 cases?
The CSA don't have to be involved in any cases, unless a) the 'resident' parent is claiming benefits, or b) one of the parents requests them to be involved.do the CSA get involved in 50/50 cases?
If you can possibly avoid 3rd party involvements, do so.
Conian said:
50/50 is good, but doesnt british law somehow prefer for 1 parent to be the 'home' and the other one to be the 'away from home and pays CSA'
do the CSA get involved in 50/50 cases?
In terms of the financials, as this country is backwards there is always a 'Parent with care' and a 'Non resident parent' even in 50/50 residence arrangements/orders. Both the benefits office and the CSA work on this basis, it is possible, after some months of argument to get the benefits split at source by a Tax Commissioner but the PWC/NRP situation remains even in that scenario.do the CSA get involved in 50/50 cases?
The CSA are now reluctant to get involved in any case but whilst they can, in practice won't, get involved in 50/50 cases as each parent bears equal cost for the upbringing of the child.
so who'd get the family allowance and tax credits?
i ask as a pal (yes really a pal and not me!) is heading down this avenue
they'd agreed 50/50 but now his wife is angling for more time with the kids because 'she earns more and it would be fairer on him' but it kinda seems as if she wants to be the residual parent so that he'd she'd get the benefits and he'd get 20% docked from his wages
i ask as a pal (yes really a pal and not me!) is heading down this avenue
they'd agreed 50/50 but now his wife is angling for more time with the kids because 'she earns more and it would be fairer on him' but it kinda seems as if she wants to be the residual parent so that he'd she'd get the benefits and he'd get 20% docked from his wages
Then the person in receipt before the split.
If it's 50/50 though he can make a child benefit application in his name (as this is what everything follows) which will be refused (as its already being paid) and then ask for a tax commissioner review.
Is their 50/50 by order or agreement?
ETA, this is in the case of one child, in the case of two each parent can make an application for one child.
If it's 50/50 though he can make a child benefit application in his name (as this is what everything follows) which will be refused (as its already being paid) and then ask for a tax commissioner review.
Is their 50/50 by order or agreement?
ETA, this is in the case of one child, in the case of two each parent can make an application for one child.
Edited by Plotloss on Tuesday 17th August 10:46
I see jnr every other weekend, I have to drive to Tidworth to pick him up- 100 miles each way.
I also see him every other week through the school holidays, so he will be up on Friday, then off to welsh wales for 5 days to see mrs emsmans dad, and get jnr to the beach.
I wish he was closer, I wish I saw more of him, and I wish she hadn't enroled him at school under her new husbands surname 'to make it easier for us'.
Still, the school have been great, the situation is resolved, and I have a few days of beach time to look forward to, and perhaps another (feeble) attempt at crab fishing
I also see him every other week through the school holidays, so he will be up on Friday, then off to welsh wales for 5 days to see mrs emsmans dad, and get jnr to the beach.
I wish he was closer, I wish I saw more of him, and I wish she hadn't enroled him at school under her new husbands surname 'to make it easier for us'.
Still, the school have been great, the situation is resolved, and I have a few days of beach time to look forward to, and perhaps another (feeble) attempt at crab fishing
In my experience (as both child and adult) I would say that the hardest part is the whole "taking the kids for the weekend" aspect.
It'll work OK when they're really young, but sooner or later you'll be taking them away from their friends and comfortable home environment.
As a father it is really hard to keep track of the detail in their lives when you only see them for 2 days in 2 weeks. You won't know their teachers names, you won't know their friends.
As a son, I used to resent the fact that my dad didn't know this stuff. He didn't help himself much either (one parents evening in about a decade, and only visited me once at uni, for my graduation).
The most important thing is to be physically close and part of their lives. The ideal situation would be living next door - seriously. Then they could just come and go as they please. I don't know whether this is possible for you or their mother - it normally involves major compromises particularly with career choices once the households split (i.e. you both get new partners).
It'll work OK when they're really young, but sooner or later you'll be taking them away from their friends and comfortable home environment.
As a father it is really hard to keep track of the detail in their lives when you only see them for 2 days in 2 weeks. You won't know their teachers names, you won't know their friends.
As a son, I used to resent the fact that my dad didn't know this stuff. He didn't help himself much either (one parents evening in about a decade, and only visited me once at uni, for my graduation).
The most important thing is to be physically close and part of their lives. The ideal situation would be living next door - seriously. Then they could just come and go as they please. I don't know whether this is possible for you or their mother - it normally involves major compromises particularly with career choices once the households split (i.e. you both get new partners).
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