How to deal with my gf's little boy's dad?
Discussion
I'm sure there are other PHers who have had to deal with this, so here goes....
The short version is that my girlfriend has a 6 year old boy and his dad is a complete arse. Unfortunately he is not very intelligent, yet his behaviour whilst childish, is also cunning but it is making my 7 month pregnant girlfriend stressed. He is a liar and also a notorious tight-arse. My Gf left him about 3 years ago as he never did anything to help bring up his child and made their life very uncomfortable.
To expand:
For example, he has the lad every other weekend as agreed, but almost every time he has an excuse not to drop him off on Sunday - (we only live a couple of miles apart) this week it was that he had hurt his back. The thing is he has a partner, so why can't she drop him off? I would do and have done the same if my gf has a problem. Also, at the last minute he told us that on the Saturday night he was going to a wedding and couldn't arrange for his parents or anyone else to look after the lad - my gf said not our problem, but reluctantly she gave in as she was worried he may dump him with anyone, so she arrange for her mother to have him as we couldn't. If we had been stuck in a similar situation either we would have took him to the wedding or we wouldn't have gone.
Last week he told us that he wanted to take him to Beavers. After our initial concerns that this was a dodgy strip club, it turned out this was the name for little cubs, so gf agreed and asked him what time. He said he'd get back, but then didn't txt her until the day he was due to go telling us it was 6.15, and that we would have to drop him off at their house as the battery on his car was flat. (His partner has car). Gf told him this wasn't possible as we don't get home til 6 after we have picked the lad up from after-school club, and their wouldn't be time for him to have his tea etc.
She then got a txt saying that he had told us the time previously (not true), that she is stopping him going to Beavers and that the lad will be the one that suffers - dad did not offer to pick him up from after-school club early and give him his tea.
Thing is the same has happened before - he insisted gf gets him in swimming lessons which she had planned to do and was in the waiting list for, he agreed to take the lad every other week and pay half the cost, but after taking him twice he made his excuses, saying the teacher was no good (she is great) and refused to take him or pay, so we pay and my gf takes him every week.
This is just a very small part of the story which includes making promises to see the lad and letting him down, paying a pittance in maintenance and never paying for anything else even when agreeing to do so and plenty of nasty txts and rants accusing gf of being a bad mother when he's the biggest black kettle ever, etc etc etc. He has even threatened to take legal action when he is not getting his own way for petty things - she has never stopped him seeing the lad, but he only sees him when it suits him anyway. It seems to me he is still trying to control her after 3 years - he is quiet for a couple of months and then it flares up again. Things had got better since I've been with my gf as I have persuaded her not to react instantly to his taunts and games, but to take time to calm down and then either ignore them or respond later.
Unfortunately, things seem to have got worse since dad has had a baby with his current partner who also has a 4 years old boy - people have suggested that this can be an issue and his partner may not now want to get involved fully with his son - she used to drop him off in the past, but this has not happened for a while. Dad also makes excuses such as "It's hard for her to deal with three kids" - Firstly this is b
ks as my bro has 4 kids and they manage, also they shouldn't have had another child if that is the case.
I should add I love the lad to bits yet I have no problems with him seeing his dad, TBH it would be so much easier for us all and much better for the lad if his dad didn't play games and didn't expect everything on his terms.
I just want him to stop taking the piss and stick to what they have agreed and to stop upsetting my gf especial while she is pregnant - someone suggested she writes a letter spelling out what they have agreed and telling him that when he has him or arranges to do things with him that is his time and we are not there to fall back on.
We don't really want to go down the CSA or legal route and gf has sat down with him the past to discuss but he just drags up the past and seems completely oblivious as to why she left him in the first place.
So, if you managed to get this far reading my post, you are either very bored or interested, so any other suggestion?
Cheers.
The short version is that my girlfriend has a 6 year old boy and his dad is a complete arse. Unfortunately he is not very intelligent, yet his behaviour whilst childish, is also cunning but it is making my 7 month pregnant girlfriend stressed. He is a liar and also a notorious tight-arse. My Gf left him about 3 years ago as he never did anything to help bring up his child and made their life very uncomfortable.
To expand:
For example, he has the lad every other weekend as agreed, but almost every time he has an excuse not to drop him off on Sunday - (we only live a couple of miles apart) this week it was that he had hurt his back. The thing is he has a partner, so why can't she drop him off? I would do and have done the same if my gf has a problem. Also, at the last minute he told us that on the Saturday night he was going to a wedding and couldn't arrange for his parents or anyone else to look after the lad - my gf said not our problem, but reluctantly she gave in as she was worried he may dump him with anyone, so she arrange for her mother to have him as we couldn't. If we had been stuck in a similar situation either we would have took him to the wedding or we wouldn't have gone.
Last week he told us that he wanted to take him to Beavers. After our initial concerns that this was a dodgy strip club, it turned out this was the name for little cubs, so gf agreed and asked him what time. He said he'd get back, but then didn't txt her until the day he was due to go telling us it was 6.15, and that we would have to drop him off at their house as the battery on his car was flat. (His partner has car). Gf told him this wasn't possible as we don't get home til 6 after we have picked the lad up from after-school club, and their wouldn't be time for him to have his tea etc.
She then got a txt saying that he had told us the time previously (not true), that she is stopping him going to Beavers and that the lad will be the one that suffers - dad did not offer to pick him up from after-school club early and give him his tea.
Thing is the same has happened before - he insisted gf gets him in swimming lessons which she had planned to do and was in the waiting list for, he agreed to take the lad every other week and pay half the cost, but after taking him twice he made his excuses, saying the teacher was no good (she is great) and refused to take him or pay, so we pay and my gf takes him every week.
This is just a very small part of the story which includes making promises to see the lad and letting him down, paying a pittance in maintenance and never paying for anything else even when agreeing to do so and plenty of nasty txts and rants accusing gf of being a bad mother when he's the biggest black kettle ever, etc etc etc. He has even threatened to take legal action when he is not getting his own way for petty things - she has never stopped him seeing the lad, but he only sees him when it suits him anyway. It seems to me he is still trying to control her after 3 years - he is quiet for a couple of months and then it flares up again. Things had got better since I've been with my gf as I have persuaded her not to react instantly to his taunts and games, but to take time to calm down and then either ignore them or respond later.
Unfortunately, things seem to have got worse since dad has had a baby with his current partner who also has a 4 years old boy - people have suggested that this can be an issue and his partner may not now want to get involved fully with his son - she used to drop him off in the past, but this has not happened for a while. Dad also makes excuses such as "It's hard for her to deal with three kids" - Firstly this is b
ks as my bro has 4 kids and they manage, also they shouldn't have had another child if that is the case.I should add I love the lad to bits yet I have no problems with him seeing his dad, TBH it would be so much easier for us all and much better for the lad if his dad didn't play games and didn't expect everything on his terms.
I just want him to stop taking the piss and stick to what they have agreed and to stop upsetting my gf especial while she is pregnant - someone suggested she writes a letter spelling out what they have agreed and telling him that when he has him or arranges to do things with him that is his time and we are not there to fall back on.
We don't really want to go down the CSA or legal route and gf has sat down with him the past to discuss but he just drags up the past and seems completely oblivious as to why she left him in the first place.
So, if you managed to get this far reading my post, you are either very bored or interested, so any other suggestion?
Cheers.
Move away.
Serious. If you think everyone's lives would be better off without his influence, just move so far away that the useless Dad cant get to and from him anymore. You wouldnt have to go far. 2 or 3 hrs away I reckon.
Are you a father-figure to the 6 yr old? Are you going to stick around? Then the lad isnt missing out on anything.
Serious. If you think everyone's lives would be better off without his influence, just move so far away that the useless Dad cant get to and from him anymore. You wouldnt have to go far. 2 or 3 hrs away I reckon.
Are you a father-figure to the 6 yr old? Are you going to stick around? Then the lad isnt missing out on anything.
308mate said:
Move away.
Serious. If you think everyone's lives would be better off without his influence, just move so far away that the useless Dad cant get to and from him anymore. You wouldnt have to go far. 2 or 3 hrs away I reckon.
Are you a father-figure to the 6 yr old? Are you going to stick around? Then the lad isnt missing out on anything.
We have a very happy family apart from this thorn in our side.Serious. If you think everyone's lives would be better off without his influence, just move so far away that the useless Dad cant get to and from him anymore. You wouldnt have to go far. 2 or 3 hrs away I reckon.
Are you a father-figure to the 6 yr old? Are you going to stick around? Then the lad isnt missing out on anything.
My gf did exactly that and moved to Devon (4ish hours away) - it helped at first but didn't really work out and she moved back less than a year later. She doesn't want to stop him seeing his dad, just him not be an arse.
I does sound a bit Jeremy Kyle doesn't it? Damn I hate that guy and his programme.
Edited by Emeye on Thursday 23 September 11:50
Edited by Emeye on Thursday 23 September 23:04
Christ - poor kid. Sounds awful.
Get a babysitter, or the kids out of the house, invite him and his partner round, have dinner. Explain your point of view, and listen to theirs
Get it all out in the open, agree a contact plan, and how much notice you need if plans are going to change
Y'know like adults
Get a babysitter, or the kids out of the house, invite him and his partner round, have dinner. Explain your point of view, and listen to theirs
Get it all out in the open, agree a contact plan, and how much notice you need if plans are going to change
Y'know like adults
Emeye said:
[ She doesn't want to stop him seeing her dad, just him not be an arse.
Good luck, but in general, people who are an arse, tend to go on being one..What's in it for him to change ?
He sees his boy when it suits him, he doesnt have to pay his fair share, and when he cant be bothered, you and the boy's mum pick up the pieces..
Moving away sounds the easiest solution, and cheaper than court / legal etc..
That, or ignore his games, and remind yourself he's just arse who doesnt matter, every time he does it.
This sounds all very familular.
Partner has a son from a previous relatiionship. He works hard, but ultimately has a short fuse, and no cosideration for others whatsoever.
When we all lived in Bristol, he would to be fair always see the Son when he was supposed to. Was never a 'dad' though, just a best mate and getting him to pay maitenance was an issue.
Things came to a head, over this at one point, as we were close to moving 200 miles away and he assulted my partner and myself. Police were called, and thanks to various text messages a restriction was put in place preventing him from contact my Partner. For the sake of the Son I was then left as the contact, which was fun.
Even after moving away plenty of rows and bothers, although over the phone. Unforutately I do think this has affected the lad, and he has a cylce of going off the rails in September, along with acting up to the dicks, like his dad. Working on best mate scenario, if he was in trouble on a Firday before seing his dad (often a pattern), his dad would reward him by taking him to the football, and would tell him to lie to us.
All came to a head at 12/13 years old when the lad decided that he would prefer living with his dad, and we had enough of fighting it. It's been a learning experience for both of them. The dad has discovered that being a dad is not necessarily the same as best mate, while the lad has found that being there full time is not the same as part time.
To your scenario there is no simple answer. We did find on occasions that a meeting somewhere neautrol like a Wacky Warehouse so the kids could go and play, could help with a frank, but 'controlled' discussion which improved things for a while. Depending on the dads Partner she may have more sway also.
Partner has a son from a previous relatiionship. He works hard, but ultimately has a short fuse, and no cosideration for others whatsoever.
When we all lived in Bristol, he would to be fair always see the Son when he was supposed to. Was never a 'dad' though, just a best mate and getting him to pay maitenance was an issue.
Things came to a head, over this at one point, as we were close to moving 200 miles away and he assulted my partner and myself. Police were called, and thanks to various text messages a restriction was put in place preventing him from contact my Partner. For the sake of the Son I was then left as the contact, which was fun.
Even after moving away plenty of rows and bothers, although over the phone. Unforutately I do think this has affected the lad, and he has a cylce of going off the rails in September, along with acting up to the dicks, like his dad. Working on best mate scenario, if he was in trouble on a Firday before seing his dad (often a pattern), his dad would reward him by taking him to the football, and would tell him to lie to us.
All came to a head at 12/13 years old when the lad decided that he would prefer living with his dad, and we had enough of fighting it. It's been a learning experience for both of them. The dad has discovered that being a dad is not necessarily the same as best mate, while the lad has found that being there full time is not the same as part time.
To your scenario there is no simple answer. We did find on occasions that a meeting somewhere neautrol like a Wacky Warehouse so the kids could go and play, could help with a frank, but 'controlled' discussion which improved things for a while. Depending on the dads Partner she may have more sway also.
Welcome to my world - we have issues with my wife's ex too.
Currently, in some sort of attempt to get at my wife he's refusing to even speak to my stepson at the moment, let alone see him at the weekends when he's supposed to. The cause of this was that we asked him to swap a couple of days access during the summer holidays so we could go camping with the stepson and his best friend, and despite him having previously suggesting we be flexible over things like this he refused after initially agreeing. When my stepsone rang him to say that he really wanted to go camping his dad responded by saying that he could go but never to contact him again !
What an evil emotional blackmailing tt he is !
Currently, in some sort of attempt to get at my wife he's refusing to even speak to my stepson at the moment, let alone see him at the weekends when he's supposed to. The cause of this was that we asked him to swap a couple of days access during the summer holidays so we could go camping with the stepson and his best friend, and despite him having previously suggesting we be flexible over things like this he refused after initially agreeing. When my stepsone rang him to say that he really wanted to go camping his dad responded by saying that he could go but never to contact him again !
What an evil emotional blackmailing t
t he is !I am on my second marriage and mrs pad came with baggage as some would say,but if you take on someone elses
children it always causes problems with the exs, I know iv'e had my share of trouble over the years.
On saying that, We have brought up a kind and thoughtful young man with high moral standards,
He works like a trooper and never complains about anything,So it goes to show the kids don't
nessesary turn out bad without the influences of their other parent,
children it always causes problems with the exs, I know iv'e had my share of trouble over the years.
On saying that, We have brought up a kind and thoughtful young man with high moral standards,
He works like a trooper and never complains about anything,So it goes to show the kids don't
nessesary turn out bad without the influences of their other parent,
JCB123 said:
Nuke him?
Its pretty unlikely the OP owns a nuclear weapon of any type. Even if he does, it would be pretty difficult to use it without risking injury to others.OP, sympathise. I think that situation would drive me insane but I can't see there being a single constructive thing you can do about that.
Although I would say that 3 kids is f
king hard to look after particularly when one is a baby, regardless of your brother!I have no personal experience of this kind of thing however in my view surely you just say to him:
You will not stop or prevent him from seeing the son BUT you will not be taking the son to or from his house etc.. It is his responsibility to see his son, it is not your duty to ensure he sees his son.
You will not stop or prevent him from seeing the son BUT you will not be taking the son to or from his house etc.. It is his responsibility to see his son, it is not your duty to ensure he sees his son.
Jasandjules said:
I have no personal experience of this kind of thing however in my view surely you just say to him:
You will not stop or prevent him from seeing the son BUT you will not be taking the son to or from his house etc.. It is his responsibility to see his son, it is not your duty to ensure he sees his son.
That pretty much sums up what we want to achieve - gf has had this conversation before, but it goes in one ear and out the other.You will not stop or prevent him from seeing the son BUT you will not be taking the son to or from his house etc.. It is his responsibility to see his son, it is not your duty to ensure he sees his son.
Thanks for your replies - I know I'm not alone in having to deal with this s
t.I have inquired about getting hold of a nuke, but it seems the fundamentalist have pushed the price up slightly out of my reach, and no-one can tell me how to mount one on a T-reg Freelander. Oh, and there is also the little issue of potentially killing millions of innocents including most of our immediate family and flattening our own house (and Manchester) in the 16 mile blast radius.....
let him come and get the lad on weekends and pick him up, if hes late taking him back he keeps him until he can get him back. just be stubborn and tell him it is down to him to get the boy around. act like a stoner and just be a relaxed dont give a fk attitude and see if anything changes. if he says anything tell him he can either stick to adult style timetables and not mess you both around or you can all just be as awkward as eachother.
good luck with it.
k attitude and see if anything changes. if he says anything tell him he can either stick to adult style timetables and not mess you both around or you can all just be as awkward as eachother.good luck with it.
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