Best man speech

[screwloose]

Im best man at my brother's wedding in a couple of weeks and I'm after any good openers or one liners I can use in the speech. I'm reluctant to lift ideas from any of the best man speech websites because, to be quite honest they're cheesy and over used.
I've got a tough audience what the bride's family being staunch Irish catholics!

Thanks for any input guys.

[Mutley]

You could open with "Ladies and Gentlemen - Right, that should cover everyone - Good afternoon...."

[guffhoover]

Since i've known {insert brides name here] ive dreamt about riding her like a pope in a boys dormitory.

[chippy17]

my best man opened with this nugget, again mainly parent's (50s/60s generation), my wife is half Irish so a bit of the old Catholic thing going on, it was a very hot spring day everyone in morning suits:

'I must apologise I am sweating like a blind lesbian in a fishmongers'

Edited by chippy17 on Wednesday 13th October 13:06

[Poncho pilot]

"It's been an emotional day, Even the cakes in tears."

[Landlord]

Stand, and loudly say;

"Fornication."

Then look puzzled, check your notes, look back up and stare in to the distance and say;

"fk I love tits. Second only to vaginas, I reckon."

Look whistful for a while, sigh and then carry on with your speech as normal.

[captainzep]

screwloose said:

Im best man at my brother's wedding in a couple of weeks and I'm after any good openers or one liners I can use in the speech. I'm reluctant to lift ideas from any of the best man speech websites because, to be quite honest they're cheesy and over used.
I've got a tough audience what the bride's family being staunch Irish catholics!

Thanks for any input guys.

All the material you need can be found in Father Ted box sets.

Also, advice to groom- "keep her well shagged and poorly shod -she'll not wander far", "may you live as long as you want to -and want to as long as you live"

However, as much of the real advice on this thread will probably agree that its difficult to judge the atmosphere before you're stood at the top table and what seems very funny and clever when you write it can suddenly feel cheap and insincere just before you take a breath to start reciting, when there's genuine emotion and well-wishing going on.

I'm a veteran of 3 best man speech deliveries.

[43034]

Poncho pilot said:

"It's been an emotional day, Even the cakes in tears."

[sjc]

"It's not the first time today I've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!"
"I haven't got a long speech" and then drop a ream of paper.
" What a well suited couple, they're both in love with the groom"
" We call him the pirate, because he's got a sunken chest"
" A well balanced bloke, he's got a chip on both shoulders"

[ZOLLAR]

I know this thread pops up every few weeks but i'm glad it does!, some of the speeches are brilliant! LOL at the blind lesbian one

[petemurphy]

do not use anything from here or any website people that have been to lots of weddings have heard it all before. just be confident and include plenty of "hear hear" moments, funny but not abusive and as a brother loving and a bit teary. find a couple of not too rude tales from your shared past or any tales of him and his bride, his hobbies etc and dont make it too long. remember everyone is on your side and hopefully pissed.

[sjc]

The first time they went on holiday together.
In the morning he rang down to room service and ordered for himself 4 eggs, 6 rashers of bacon, fried bread 4 sausages and a carton of orange juice. He also ordered a carrot and a piece of lettuce for her. When room service arrived the waiter enquired whether madam may like something more to which he replied..
" No. I want to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"

[Arese]

screwloose said:

Im best man at my brother's wedding in a couple of weeks and I'm after any good openers or one liners I can use in the speech. I'm reluctant to lift ideas from any of the best man speech websites because, to be quite honest they're cheesy and over used.
I've got a tough audience what the bride's family being staunch Irish catholics!

Thanks for any input guys.

Ladies and Gentlemen, do ya like dags?

[pano amo]

I've done two bestman speeches. Don't try to be the funny guy because you are not. Trying to hit them with an opening one-liner will either be met by silence and some muffled groans (which will completely through you) or you'll end up sounding like Bob Monkhouse. Give a big smile, thank the speaker before you, say hello and get on with the stories.

[StevieBee]

This past hour or so, I've been listening the Bride's father.................eat.

[pano amo]

Arese said:

screwloose said:

Im best man at my brother's wedding in a couple of weeks and I'm after any good openers or one liners I can use in the speech. I'm reluctant to lift ideas from any of the best man speech websites because, to be quite honest they're cheesy and over used.
I've got a tough audience what the bride's family being staunch Irish catholics!

Thanks for any input guys.

Ladies and Gentlemen, do ya like dags?

Groan, another 'do you like dags' ph one-liner.

[sjc]

Having done it three times, the opening line IS very important but you have to be aware of the type of people there.A good confident opener will get their attention, but nothing too crude or controversial.Each time I've done it I've started a couple of months before in note form and put into a speech a week or so before so I'm able to virtually do with just a few bullet points on the day.
Don't be nervous,everyone there will be on your side, a bit of Dutch courage is fine, but a pisshead will only be amusing to the very few.
Enjoy it, the congrats and pats after will make it worthwhile

[captainzep]

[redacted]

[Big Raff]

Depends on the crowd...

I did one last year in Beirut and i only knew maybe 20 people out of 150...so i played it fairly safe with the jokes and stories...but i had a picture montage video where i took the piss with cheesy tunes and awful pictures.

Opened with 'Good Evening LEBANONNNNN' a la Good Morning Vietnam...got a wooop wooop for that!!

[TankRizzo]

sjc said:

"It's not the first time today I've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!"

PLEASE don't use this one, I've heard it so many times now.

If you are not naturally funny then just write a heartfelt speech.