Ex wants child support in one go

[Quickmoose]

Gavia said:

Quickmoose said:

replace the words "pay less"
with
"pay the correct amount"

Do you see how perhaps your view is a bit skewed?

Breadvan's comments about a weak system and what the likelihood of things being similar if the popular men/women roles were reversed is spot on imo.
Being a bad parent or a bitter, nasty st, is not gender specifc....

My view isn’t skewed. A father is paying an amount he’s happy to, then his ex plays silly buggers. An amount payable is assessed as less. So he chooses to not thatnlesser amount. That isn’t the sign of someone who really cares about his kids. It’s a sign of someone who cares more about money / gettingnone iver in his ex.

It doesn’t reflect well on him.

Sorry that IS skewed.
The amount he is 'happy' to pay was based on scenario where all are in agreement.
The focus should be on the ex that has decided to play "silly buggers".. and ruin that agreement.....did that person get back slapped by their peers?
Come on.
The parent paying in this instance is now paying the set-in-law amount. And no one knows what they do with the rest of their disposable....spend it on drink..or invest for their childs' future.... no one knows what the residen parent spends the CS on...fags or an investment for the childs' future..
You're cherry picking words to suit the cause.... "happy"...no one is happy in divorce. No one.
Its a st situation to be separated from your child. It's a st situation to be mucked about my someone you thought was "the one"
Changing the amount paid per month by what is likely to be a small percentage, has really only riled you...the focus on mysogony and back slapping....sexist crap really, a skewed one sided bias.

[TheBear]

MYOB said:

As a stay at home dad going through a divorce, I was hoping to buck the trend to gain residency. But the wife, in front of my two kids, called the police and lied about being a victim of abuse.

I was subsequently arrested, and interviewed. Overnight whilst in the cell, wife gave a full statement with the full works alleging everything from physical and emotional abuse, coercion etc.

I was released with no charges but with bail conditions. Not allowed home. 7 weeks later I still don't know if I'm being charged or not.

So at the moment my kids are being cared for by a mother who works full time, and has the propensity to lie to police.

And the reasons for her lie,? She knew I had a strong case to get residency etc and she wanted me out of the house!

You were released 7 weeks ago with bail conditions and not charged?

[anonymous-user]

TheBear said:

MYOB said:

As a stay at home dad going through a divorce, I was hoping to buck the trend to gain residency. But the wife, in front of my two kids, called the police and lied about being a victim of abuse.

I was subsequently arrested, and interviewed. Overnight whilst in the cell, wife gave a full statement with the full works alleging everything from physical and emotional abuse, coercion etc.

I was released with no charges but with bail conditions. Not allowed home. 7 weeks later I still don't know if I'm being charged or not.

So at the moment my kids are being cared for by a mother who works full time, and has the propensity to lie to police.

And the reasons for her lie,? She knew I had a strong case to get residency etc and she wanted me out of the house!

You were released 7 weeks ago with bail conditions and not charged?

That sounds quite odd given the 28 day limit on bail that now applies. It doesn't sound like something a Superintendent would authorise for longer.

[MYOB]

La Liga said:

TheBear said:

MYOB said:

As a stay at home dad going through a divorce, I was hoping to buck the trend to gain residency. But the wife, in front of my two kids, called the police and lied about being a victim of abuse.

I was subsequently arrested, and interviewed. Overnight whilst in the cell, wife gave a full statement with the full works alleging everything from physical and emotional abuse, coercion etc.

I was released with no charges but with bail conditions. Not allowed home. 7 weeks later I still don't know if I'm being charged or not.

So at the moment my kids are being cared for by a mother who works full time, and has the propensity to lie to police.

And the reasons for her lie,? She knew I had a strong case to get residency etc and she wanted me out of the house!

You were released 7 weeks ago with bail conditions and not charged?

That sounds quite odd given the 28 day limit on bail that now applies. It doesn't sound like something a Superintendent would authorise for longer.

I was released without charge but with bail conditions.

I had bail hearing at police station 28 days later but I got a call on the day cancelling the appointment, and that bail was cancelled. But police advice was to continue and adhere to the conditions. Apparently my wife told the police that if I go home she will call the police. She has changed the locks. Police advice was keep away to avoid escalating the situation.

Apparently CPS had a few further questions to ask of the police, hence they had to cancel bail. Police said it would only take a few days. 3 weeks later I still haven't heard what's happening.

[PurpleMoonlight]

MYOB said:

I was released without charge but with bail conditions.

I had bail hearing at police station 28 days later but I got a call on the day cancelling the appointment, and that bail was cancelled. But police advice was to continue and adhere to the conditions. Apparently my wife told the police that if I go home she will call the police. She has changed the locks. Police advice was keep away to avoid escalating the situation.

Apparently CPS had a few further questions to ask of the police, hence they had to cancel bail. Police said it would only take a few days. 3 weeks later I still haven't heard what's happening.

Have you seen your children in this time?

[anonymous-user]

MYOB said:

La Liga said:

TheBear said:

MYOB said:

As a stay at home dad going through a divorce, I was hoping to buck the trend to gain residency. But the wife, in front of my two kids, called the police and lied about being a victim of abuse.

I was subsequently arrested, and interviewed. Overnight whilst in the cell, wife gave a full statement with the full works alleging everything from physical and emotional abuse, coercion etc.

I was released with no charges but with bail conditions. Not allowed home. 7 weeks later I still don't know if I'm being charged or not.

So at the moment my kids are being cared for by a mother who works full time, and has the propensity to lie to police.

And the reasons for her lie,? She knew I had a strong case to get residency etc and she wanted me out of the house!

You were released 7 weeks ago with bail conditions and not charged?

That sounds quite odd given the 28 day limit on bail that now applies. It doesn't sound like something a Superintendent would authorise for longer.

I was released without charge but with bail conditions.

I had bail hearing at police station 28 days later but I got a call on the day cancelling the appointment, and that bail was cancelled. But police advice was to continue and adhere to the conditions. Apparently my wife told the police that if I go home she will call the police. She has changed the locks. Police advice was keep away to avoid escalating the situation.

Apparently CPS had a few further questions to ask of the police, hence they had to cancel bail. Police said it would only take a few days. 3 weeks later I still haven't heard what's happening.

That makes more sense. So you're no longer on bail and not subject to any conditions. Pre-charge bail conditions are mainly a waste of time in any event.

Did you obtain legal advice at the police station?

You provide a good example of why part of the reasoning the government made changes to bail was flawed. They wanted people to not feel as if they're under suspicion. I bet it doesn't feel any different whether you're on bail or 'realised under investigation', does it?

[MYOB]

PurpleMoonlight said:

Have you seen your children in this time?

Yes thankfully, I have them every other weekends and mid week. Not bad considering what I have been accused of!

But being a stay at home dad, I have no income or capital. Just sliding into debts paying legal fees and living expenses.

[PurpleMoonlight]

MYOB said:

Yes thankfully, I have them every other weekends and mid week. Not bad considering what I have been accused of!

But being a stay at home dad, I have no income or capital. Just sliding into debts paying legal fees and living expenses.

Good that your relationship with your children is not being obstructed.

You need to apply to court for interim spousal maintenance order.

If your name is not on Land Registry Title for the property you need to register a Matrimonial Homes Rights Notice on it.

Good luck.

[MYOB]

La Liga said:

hat makes more sense. So you're no longer on bail and not subject to any conditions. Pre-charge bail conditions are mainly a waste of time in any event.

Did you obtain legal advice at the police station?

You provide a good example of why part of the reasoning the government made changes to bail was flawed. They wanted people to not feel as if they're under suspicion. I bet it doesn't feel any different whether you're on bail or 'realised under investigation', does it?

To be honest, I feel my life is on hold until I know what decision the police and cps have reached. Hopefully charges are dropped and then I can get on track to sorting everything out from the divorce.

[MYOB]

PurpleMoonlight said:

Good that your relationship with your children is not being obstructed.

You need to apply to court for interim spousal maintenance order.

If your name is not on Land Registry Title for the property you need to register a Matrimonial Homes Rights Notice on it.

Good luck.

Before the allegations and arrest, I told my wife I would be filing for divorce and seeking spousal maintenance. That same day is when she told me to leave the house and when I refused, she called 999 in front of my children and claimed abuse.

I'm named on the deeds. It's utterly disgusting that she has all the "rights" after claiming domestic violence but I have to believe long term, I'll regain my "rights".

Glad you got yourself sorted. How long did it take for you?

[PurpleMoonlight]

MYOB said:

Before the allegations and arrest, I told my wife I would be filing for divorce and seeking spousal maintenance. That same day is when she told me to leave the house and when I refused, she called 999 in front of my children and claimed abuse.

I'm named on the deeds. It's utterly disgusting that she has all the "rights" after claiming domestic violence but I have to believe long term, I'll regain my "rights".

Glad you got yourself sorted. How long did it take for you?

I didn't, at least as far as the children are concerned.

I stopped fighting after three years of court action as I couldn't see any progress would ever be made. That was 11 years ago now.

Child Maintenance now via CMS.

Edited by PurpleMoonlight on Saturday 18th November 14:06

[MYOB]

PurpleMoonlight said:

I didn't, at least as far as the children are concerned.

I stopped fighting after three years of court action as I couldn't see any progress would ever be made. That was 11 years ago now.

Child Maintenance now via CMS.

Edited by PurpleMoonlight on Saturday 18th November 14:06

Oh no, that's awful. So you haven't seen the kids at all?

[PurpleMoonlight]

MYOB said:

Oh no, that's awful. So you haven't seen the kids at all?

Nope.

Two children, different mothers. One disappeared with a contact order in place (the violent one) and the other got a court order to move to Ireland (never did of course as was always just a scam to obstruct contact).

I have recently had text contact with the youngest (he said he got my number from his grandmother) which initially was okay, but whenever he doesn't get an immediate response or his own way he turns really nasty. Maybe that's the norm for a 12 year old, I don't really know.

It took a long time to get over the loss and to be honest I have no desire for contact with them now.

It's a part of my life I prefer not to think about, I usually avoid threads like this and I shouldn't have allowed myself to be dragged into this one. Hey ho.

Edited by PurpleMoonlight on Saturday 18th November 14:42

[MYOB]

PurpleMoonlight said:

Nope.

Two children, different mothers. One disappeared with a contact order in place (the violent one) and the other got a court order to move to Ireland (never did of course as was always just a scam to obstruct contact).

I have recently had text contact with the youngest (he said he got my number from his grandmother) which initially was okay, but whenever he doesn't get an immediate response or his own way he turns really nasty. Maybe that's the norm for a 12 year old, I don't really know.

It took a long time to get over the loss and to be honest I have no desire for contact with them now.

It's a part of my life I prefer not to think about, I usually avoid threads like this and I shouldn't have allowed myself to be dragged into this one. Hey ho.

Edited by PurpleMoonlight on Saturday 18th November 14:42

So sorry mate. Thanks for your advice but I'll let you disappear from this thread as this is clearly a difficult subject matter for you.

I hope somehow, that everything falls into place for your kids and you...one day.

Good luck.

[PurpleMoonlight]

MYOB said:

So sorry mate. Thanks for your advice but I'll let you disappear from this thread as this is clearly a difficult subject matter for you.

I hope somehow, that everything falls into place for your kids and you...one day.

Good luck.

Thank you.

[anonymous-user]

That isn't the norm for a twelve year old , but the child may be a bit damaged. You could perhaps with time and effort build a relationship with the child and make him better behaved.

[mjb1]

Been following this thread on my phone, and only just had chance to sit down and type out my thoughts, sorry for the multitude of quoting.

Cold said:

Just been reading that Guardian report. It says 11-15% of divorces involving kids go through parental alienation. That's a huge amount.

Would it misogynistic to suggest which parent is most likely to restrict the child from seeing their other parent?
Clank clank clank goes the white coloured armour.

I'd speculate that 15% is on the low side, but it must be difficult to quantify. It's possibly only counting the extreme cases where the non resident parent end up not being able to see their child at all. In reality, I suspect that at least 50% of separated parents berate the other parent to the children. I have a relatively good relationship with my ex, but still the kids come out with comments that are obviously based on snipes from the ex.

Breadvan72 said:

That isn't the norm for a twelve year old , but the child may be a bit damaged. You could perhaps with time and effort build a relationship with the child and make him better behaved.

Fully agree with that. The lad probably is a bit damaged, given he's likely been fed poison about their father for his entire life. Every time Dad doesn't respond quick enough, the child is thinking that he's living up to the person the mother has portrayed. It's also probably a result of the social media generation - they all expect a response within seconds, and can't comprehend that you might not be in a position to do that.

Breadvan72 said:

That is an absurd suggestion. It's not blackmail, and in any event inflammatory letters would be counter productive.

Read the thread: the OP has done the deal.

"Give me £1500, or our child will be ill and can't see you." (proven by the miraculous instant recovery when the OP caved in and paid up). Using the child as a bargaining chip/holding the father to ransom using planned contact. Sounds pretty close to blackmail to me. But your right about the inflammatory letter.

Tiggsy said:

Child support is for the one with the kid to do with as they please....if they want to spend it on bingo you can do nothing about it and quite rightly.

Got to disagree with that being 'quite rightly'. Child support/maintenance should be for the benefit of the children, directly or indirectly. My ex is hopeless with money, even though her household income is at least double mine she has nothing to show for it and is constantly getting herself overdrawn. There's barely enough food in the house for kids, yet she has Graze boxes being delivered for herself. She can afford Sky TV, endless quantities of cider and fags, yet she couldn't afford school shoes for the kids. So I took them to Clarks and spent £200 on new shoes and trainers. I buy them things/pay for stuff directly because just giving the ex money means the kids probably won't see the benefit of it. They live with me almost 50% of the time, yet the ex still gets 100% of the state benefits as though she has them 24/7. Whatever maintenance I pay her goes on top of the govt handouts, where IMO they should be reduced the more the ex pays in maintenance.

Breadvan72 said:

There is no such thing as custody of a child. Co-parenting is the norm. Absent agreement, the Court can decide where a child lives and how often the child sees the non resident parent.

You know full well that most people still use the term custody to describe the resident parent/primary carer/whatever the correct term is this week. Shared care might be the preferred option, but in reality the primary carer has the upper hand.

Breadvan72 said:

You deal with the situation according to the circumstances. A request for a modest sum to get a car isn't unreasonable. A less reasonable request would be different.

I know that £1500 to you is a fairly trivial amount, probably only a couple of hours or so at your rate. It must be nice to be in a position where the separated parents are both high earning professionals and there's never any issues about money (although see Tonker's case as an alternative to this). But the OP hasn't outlined his financial situation in this thread, as far as I've seen (fair enough). So it might amount to a month's maintenance or six months worth, we don't know.

It isn't just to 'get a modest car' - she only wants the £1500 as a deposit towards the full cost of it (rest of which is presumably going to be financed). So presumably she's buying something that she can barely afford (for whatever reason - again we don't know anything about the ex's finances either). If you're careful you can buy a decent runabout car outright for £1500. I've seen E90 BMWs advertised at only a bit more than that recently. Yes, it's a bit of a gamble that something serious could go wrong with it, but apart from that risk you can have a perfectly decent car. I know I've been come very close to buying my ex a decent car to replace the £250 death trap that she's ferrying the kids about in. But just like being unable to manage her finances, she can't look after anything either, not even to the extent of topping up the oil (never mind having it serviced or checking the tyres). So it wouldn't make a difference if I bought her something better, it'd still be in a state within a couple of months.

And so onto the OP's original question (and I realise that he's 'caved in' to the, ahem, blackmail and handed over the money already). I've been led to believe that the CMS consider money/things provided over the last three months only when considering prior payments in terms of child maintenance. So anything you've provided before that is irrelevant in their eyes. So your risk is that she goes to the CMS 3 months from now to get a formal maintenance arrangement, and you end up paying twice, regardless of any written agreement the two of you have about the £1500 being an advance. Only the OP knows what the risk of that is - it depends on how much maintenance he's paying, and how likely the ex is to turn full on nasty. I'd be trying to even things up in as short a time as possible, not don't just knock £100/month off the maintenance for the next 15 months.

[_dobbo_]

OP made it quite clear from the off he could afford it. Snipes about barristers being rich unnecessary IMO

[anonymous-user]

If I was rich I wouldn't be driving a bunch of BL stheaps! I made the very fine life decisions (a) to become a father at 42, and (b) to get divorced at 49. I choose not to look on Zoopla at the current value of my old house, now sold. So much for being rich!

[shakindog]

My ex recently passed her driving test and couldn’t afford a car.
I offered to Help her out with payments so she could afford one as it made the small ones life easier not having to walk to school which was 4 miles and not the best for a 7 year old in winter across fields getting up early and so forth.
The change for both the ex and the small one has been massive from their point of view.
The small one is happier not having to get up and tramp miles before school and after school getting cold and wet in the process depending on the weather.
having the car means the ex has also got a better paying job as she can travel further easier after taking the small one to school. not relying on public transport and the like.
Since she has a better job she now pays for the car herself
So as far as I’m concerned it was a leg up and money well spent to improve the small ones quality of life