Cracking retorts...
Discussion
Galileo said:
Man on petrol forecourt spills petrol on himself... "bo
ocks"
Lady on Forecourt next to him..."Do you mind not using filthy langauge like that?"
Louder...."boocks!"
Not the wittiest of comebacks but made me smile.
From early Auf Wiedersehen Pet.ocks"Lady on Forecourt next to him..."Do you mind not using filthy langauge like that?"
Louder...."bo
ocks!"Not the wittiest of comebacks but made me smile.
Oz - "bo
ocks"Someone else - don`t swear
Oz - "Double bo
ocks"anonymous said:
[redacted]
Best line in the film belongs to James Belushi who is at a fancy dress party dressed in a gorilla suit. In one very short scene he is seen arguing with someone dressed as a clown. He screams "Monkey? Monkey? I`m a ing Gorilla you clown."The best scene in the film is of course where Jamie Lee gets undressed.
Los Angeles said:
You are loathsome. One day you will end up in prison or catch a veneral disease.
That will depend on whether I follow your politics or sleep with your wife.
This has a been a quality put down.
LA
That will depend on whether I follow your politics or sleep with your wife.
This has a been a quality put down.
LALos Angeles said:
Your essay is both good and original. The original parts are not good and the good parts are not original.
This has been a Quality Put Down
This has been a Quality Put Down
Los Angeles said:
Your treatise is obviously a work of genius. Nevertheless, it still comes up to the standard of this examination.
This has been a Quality Put Down.
And that ladies and gentlemen is how you get to 18,738 postsThis has been a Quality Put Down.
ETA: Dammit, now i've gone and done it!
Edited by Will2425 on Saturday 6th October 23:20
Shamelessly stolen from an email:
Gripe Sheets
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Gripe Sheets
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Another stolen one:
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Will2425 said:
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
<snip>
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Why would a civilian airliner have IFF?the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
<snip>
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pigeon said:
Will2425 said:
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
<snip>
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Why would a civilian airliner have IFF?the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
<snip>
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
very good...
The 'Squawk' or IFF is used to allow Air Traffic to identify and to separate planes in the air. it can provide callsign and height information in the signal and all aircraft must have an iff to fly in controlled airspace. It uses a 4 numerical figure from 0 to 7 (octal?) so air traffic will say squawk 0046 or somesuch depending what numbers they are allocated.
IFF is not quite the right way of describing it in peace time, its the 'secondary surveillance radar' really, or SSR.
The 'Squawk' or IFF is used to allow Air Traffic to identify and to separate planes in the air. it can provide callsign and height information in the signal and all aircraft must have an iff to fly in controlled airspace. It uses a 4 numerical figure from 0 to 7 (octal?) so air traffic will say squawk 0046 or somesuch depending what numbers they are allocated.
IFF is not quite the right way of describing it in peace time, its the 'secondary surveillance radar' really, or SSR.
Edited by Oilchange on Sunday 7th October 01:32
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