Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Funkyrobot hasn't said if the house is owned/mortgaged or rented?
If there is no Mortgage or equity involved then i'd get out. Rent is just rent and doesn't have any affect on your net worth.
If it's mortgaged, i'd stay put for the time being, only as you own it and it's yours. Why should you move out if she's instigated the break up...
I went through this 10yrs ago and left after 1yr further in the house, she had a long term game plan to move the 'New Partner' in which was somewhat scuppered. I did end up having to pay a mortgage and my own rent whilst this new bloke lived rent free..... need to bite your lip a bit on that one.
None of it is nice but I kept my kids close by and suffered her and her new bloke to do that. Met someone new the 1st week after I finally left home, that pissed the ex off, and am now happily married back in my own house with great kids. So it all worked out in the end.
If there is no Mortgage or equity involved then i'd get out. Rent is just rent and doesn't have any affect on your net worth.
If it's mortgaged, i'd stay put for the time being, only as you own it and it's yours. Why should you move out if she's instigated the break up...
I went through this 10yrs ago and left after 1yr further in the house, she had a long term game plan to move the 'New Partner' in which was somewhat scuppered. I did end up having to pay a mortgage and my own rent whilst this new bloke lived rent free..... need to bite your lip a bit on that one.
None of it is nice but I kept my kids close by and suffered her and her new bloke to do that. Met someone new the 1st week after I finally left home, that pissed the ex off, and am now happily married back in my own house with great kids. So it all worked out in the end.
Plate spinner said:
singlecoil said:
As a matter of interest, how do the courts generally react when a woman says that her husband is aggressive and threatening, even though he isn't?
The courts tend to listen to her and ignore him. Have a look through this thread for posts from Tonker, bit of a shocking eye-opener how the court process works.
Du1point8 said:
Plate spinner said:
singlecoil said:
As a matter of interest, how do the courts generally react when a woman says that her husband is aggressive and threatening, even though he isn't?
The courts tend to listen to her and ignore him. Have a look through this thread for posts from Tonker, bit of a shocking eye-opener how the court process works.
Robertj21a said:
stuttgartmetal said:
Move out, it'll be easier. Get some space, and give her some headroom. Take all your financial papers statements etc etc with you.
Control the things you can control, let the rest just go over your head, and keep calm.
Tough times ahead. I on't envy you
www.wkivorce.com
helps fill the void
Previous advice from people involved has invariably been to NOT move out until all the necessary legal and financial issues have been properly settled. Control the things you can control, let the rest just go over your head, and keep calm.
Tough times ahead. I on't envy you
www.wkivorce.com
helps fill the void
Cold said:
She can move things forward with a quick phonecall to the police. They will believe every word she spouts which will lead to a court barring you from the house and from seeing your own kids.
Nah, just be smart.I read Tonkers going-ons. So my phone was on full time voice record.
The argument that led to her trying the police 'crying female act' was actually recorded on video by me while it was happening.
I showed the mob handed (2 cars, 6 cops turned up in minutes, 5 male, 1 female - high priority if female reporting abuse I was told) army, the video. She was shown as the aggressor, and me doing my best to step away. Prior to this, they were hostile to me, even after vid, the female cop was still against me, probably being dumped by some bf recently or something.
Female cop: "I would like you to move out for tonight"
Me: "But I am not at fault here, why don't you ask her to stay away"
Female cop: "something about arresting me for breach of peace..."
Me: "Ok, so who will be paying for my hotel tonight?"
Female cop: blank
Me: "If you are ordering me to stay out tonight, then fine, but I want it in writing. And please be assured that I will be making a full complaint"
They look at one another when i said complaint
Other cop: "Its procedure as historically after we leave domestic incidents more violence can occur..."
Me: "But no violence occurred, and why are you not asking her? Is this Gender discrimination... "
Other Cop: "How about you stay out for the day"
Me:"That's fine, me and kids have a day planned anyway"
I get changed, kids taken outside where the police offer to put on lights and sirens for them
I then had social services call a few days after offering me support, and when i advised I was divorcing her, they thought it best!
Also when ex realized I wouldn't leave, she left.
Worst part was 2 cop cars outside my house for several hours, meaning the whole neighborhood was wondering what was going on.
OP- hope this helps!
Edited by hyphen on Thursday 22 August 15:08
ked?There is no way I'm going to read 171 pages - best I just wish you all the strength to proceed with life. Talk to somebody don't bottle it up.
Hearts mend with time. Focus on what you have not what you have lost. Intense sadness or grief can strengthen the soul but that is only a concept you will realise further down the road as the dark tunnel ends. I hope all the replies here are supportive & empathetic.
Since good wishes.
Hearts mend with time. Focus on what you have not what you have lost. Intense sadness or grief can strengthen the soul but that is only a concept you will realise further down the road as the dark tunnel ends. I hope all the replies here are supportive & empathetic.
Since good wishes.
hyphen said:
Cold said:
She can move things forward with a quick phonecall to the police. They will believe every word she spouts which will lead to a court barring you from the house and from seeing your own kids.
Nah, just be smart.I read Tonkers going-ons. So my phone was on full time voice record.
The argument that led to her trying the police 'crying female act' was actually recorded on video by me while it was happening.
I showed the mob handed (2 cars, 6 cops turned up in minutes, 5 male, 1 female - high priority if female reporting abuse I was told) army, the video. She was shown as the aggressor, and me doing my best to step away. Prior to this, they were hostile to me, even after vid, the female cop was still against me, probably being dumped by some bf recently or something.
Female cop: "I would like you to move out for tonight"
Me: "But I am not at fault here, why don't you ask her to stay away"
Female cop: "something about arresting me for breach of peace..."
Me: "Ok, so who will be paying for my hotel tonight?"
Female cop: blank
Me: "If you are ordering me to stay out tonight, then fine, but I want it in writing. And please be assured that I will be making a full complaint"
They look at one another when i said complaint
Other cop: "Its procedure as historically after we leave domestic incidents more violence can occur..."
Me: "But no violence occurred, and why are you not asking her? Is this Gender discrimination... "
Other Cop: "How about you stay out for the day"
Me:"That's fine, me and kids have a day planned anyway"
I get changed, kids taken outside where the police offer to put on lights and sirens for them
I then had social services call a few days after offering me support, and when i advised I was divorcing her, they thought it best!
Also when ex realized I wouldn't leave, she left.
Worst part was 2 cop cars outside my house for several hours, meaning the whole neighborhood was wondering what was going on.
OP- hope this helps!
Edited by hyphen on Thursday 22 August 15:08
First the need for rigour in recording all interactions as far as possible. Not just the physical but the financial, the practical and in so far as you can, the emotional. Tape calls, keep notes, keep receipts, video when needed. This saved your bacon.
Secondly, the importance of keeping your cool with the police and not rising to the bait with the ex. When they're trying to make you angry, laugh. When you're called names, smile and shrug. When they're advising you to leave the property, refuse.
Andy Zarse said:
I'd say you played a blinder Hyphen. It does demonstrate a couple of points.
First the need for rigour in recording all interactions as far as possible. Not just the physical but the financial, the practical and in so far as you can, the emotional. Tape calls, keep notes, keep receipts, video when needed. This saved your bacon.
Secondly, the importance of keeping your cool with the police and not rising to the bait with the ex. When they're trying to make you angry, laugh. When you're called names, smile and shrug. When they're advising you to leave the property, refuse.
It worked for Hyphen, but he only had to convince the police that called to the 'domestic'. AIUI, courts wont even look at such evidence when provided by the husband. That's what happened in Tonker's case.First the need for rigour in recording all interactions as far as possible. Not just the physical but the financial, the practical and in so far as you can, the emotional. Tape calls, keep notes, keep receipts, video when needed. This saved your bacon.
Secondly, the importance of keeping your cool with the police and not rising to the bait with the ex. When they're trying to make you angry, laugh. When you're called names, smile and shrug. When they're advising you to leave the property, refuse.
singlecoil said:
Andy Zarse said:
I'd say you played a blinder Hyphen. It does demonstrate a couple of points.
First the need for rigour in recording all interactions as far as possible. Not just the physical but the financial, the practical and in so far as you can, the emotional. Tape calls, keep notes, keep receipts, video when needed. This saved your bacon.
Secondly, the importance of keeping your cool with the police and not rising to the bait with the ex. When they're trying to make you angry, laugh. When you're called names, smile and shrug. When they're advising you to leave the property, refuse.
It worked for Hyphen, but he only had to convince the police that called to the 'domestic'. AIUI, courts wont even look at such evidence when provided by the husband. That's what happened in Tonker's case.First the need for rigour in recording all interactions as far as possible. Not just the physical but the financial, the practical and in so far as you can, the emotional. Tape calls, keep notes, keep receipts, video when needed. This saved your bacon.
Secondly, the importance of keeping your cool with the police and not rising to the bait with the ex. When they're trying to make you angry, laugh. When you're called names, smile and shrug. When they're advising you to leave the property, refuse.
ClaphamGT3 said:
In my own experience, there is only one scenario that fits the narrative with the police when it comes to DV - abuse of men by women just isn’t in the playbook
too f***ing right. In my case it was her violent alcoholic abuse that even a blind man could see. Took two years for so called experts to figure that one out. It’s right to understand the worst case scenarios but also fair to balance it - not all divorces are strife.
My ex and I used wikivorce to sort the divorce and consent order ourselves over a few sessions in the pub and co-habitted for over a year whilst it was going through. I’m not saying that year was much fun because it wasn’t, but it was doable. I moved into the spare room straight away and we started a ‘shift’ system with the kids during that time, for all of us to get used to the upcoming changes.
It was cordial, polite and any things we needed to discuss in private (or argue about) we’re done at the pub or whilst walking the dog.
We’re on good enough terms now to effectively co-parent our kids without any drama.
When kids are involved then you are going to know your ex for the rest of your life to some degree. Makes sense for both parties to make maximum effort to minimise the dramas if possible, for the kids sanity if nothing else.
Good luck. It might be a tough road, but it does get better with time. The relationship with your kids is priority 1. Money, assets, house, cars etc... it is what it is.
One door closes, another always opens. Part of life’s rich tapestry of events
My ex and I used wikivorce to sort the divorce and consent order ourselves over a few sessions in the pub and co-habitted for over a year whilst it was going through. I’m not saying that year was much fun because it wasn’t, but it was doable. I moved into the spare room straight away and we started a ‘shift’ system with the kids during that time, for all of us to get used to the upcoming changes.
It was cordial, polite and any things we needed to discuss in private (or argue about) we’re done at the pub or whilst walking the dog.
We’re on good enough terms now to effectively co-parent our kids without any drama.
When kids are involved then you are going to know your ex for the rest of your life to some degree. Makes sense for both parties to make maximum effort to minimise the dramas if possible, for the kids sanity if nothing else.
Good luck. It might be a tough road, but it does get better with time. The relationship with your kids is priority 1. Money, assets, house, cars etc... it is what it is.
One door closes, another always opens. Part of life’s rich tapestry of events
Thanks for the comments all. Thanks for the post above too. That is how I would like things to work out for us, if possible.
At the moment, my wife has moved into the spare room. To be fair, she moved into there about a month ago anyway. Before anyone says I should have done it, it actually has her old bed in and she prefers it anyway.
Nothing more has been mentioned about the divorce since Wednesday evening. I have been at work a lot so haven't really seen much of her anyway.
I'm trying to keep it civil, but it does take a lot of work on my behalf because my wife likes to drop silly little comments and things a lot. I've lived with this long enough now not to let it affect me.
In terms of the divorce, I'll take a look at some of the things mentioned above. I also need to do some bits to the house to get it ready to be valued. I do get the feeling I'm going to have to press on with things. Now everything is out in the open, my wife doesn't seem to be bothered about getting things sorted, which is odd.
Oh well. Let's hope we can keep things amicable and sort something that is in the best interests of our daughter.
At the moment, my wife has moved into the spare room. To be fair, she moved into there about a month ago anyway. Before anyone says I should have done it, it actually has her old bed in and she prefers it anyway.
Nothing more has been mentioned about the divorce since Wednesday evening. I have been at work a lot so haven't really seen much of her anyway.
I'm trying to keep it civil, but it does take a lot of work on my behalf because my wife likes to drop silly little comments and things a lot. I've lived with this long enough now not to let it affect me.
In terms of the divorce, I'll take a look at some of the things mentioned above. I also need to do some bits to the house to get it ready to be valued. I do get the feeling I'm going to have to press on with things. Now everything is out in the open, my wife doesn't seem to be bothered about getting things sorted, which is odd.
Oh well. Let's hope we can keep things amicable and sort something that is in the best interests of our daughter.
Funkyrobot - you are now at a key stage. If you initiate the divorce then that monkey will be on your back. You will have to put in time an effort to make sure it runs smooth. Since we are now living in 2019 there is no reason for you to suggest to your wife that she is the applicant. Obviously fees and expenses can be split etc etc.
I did that with my divorce. Saved me a whole heap of nagging - "why haven't you done that yet". This is especially good if you have lots going on and want to remain focused on the daughter since external viewers of the situation will be looking at the effort you put in with your daughter whilst the good relationship with her mother will be an automatic given. (Don't get me started).
Obviously I am assuming you are ambivalent to your current marital status..
I did that with my divorce. Saved me a whole heap of nagging - "why haven't you done that yet". This is especially good if you have lots going on and want to remain focused on the daughter since external viewers of the situation will be looking at the effort you put in with your daughter whilst the good relationship with her mother will be an automatic given. (Don't get me started).
Obviously I am assuming you are ambivalent to your current marital status..
Plate spinner said:
It’s right to understand the worst case scenarios but also fair to balance it - not all divorces are strife.
My ex and I used wikivorce to sort the divorce and consent order ourselves over a few sessions in the pub and co-habitted for over a year whilst it was going through. I’m not saying that year was much fun because it wasn’t, but it was doable. I moved into the spare room straight away and we started a ‘shift’ system with the kids during that time, for all of us to get used to the upcoming changes.
It was cordial, polite and any things we needed to discuss in private (or argue about) we’re done at the pub or whilst walking the dog.
We’re on good enough terms now to effectively co-parent our kids without any drama.
When kids are involved then you are going to know your ex for the rest of your life to some degree. Makes sense for both parties to make maximum effort to minimise the dramas if possible, for the kids sanity if nothing else.
Good luck. It might be a tough road, but it does get better with time. The relationship with your kids is priority 1. Money, assets, house, cars etc... it is what it is.
One door closes, another always opens. Part of life’s rich tapestry of events
Glad you had a relatively good time.My ex and I used wikivorce to sort the divorce and consent order ourselves over a few sessions in the pub and co-habitted for over a year whilst it was going through. I’m not saying that year was much fun because it wasn’t, but it was doable. I moved into the spare room straight away and we started a ‘shift’ system with the kids during that time, for all of us to get used to the upcoming changes.
It was cordial, polite and any things we needed to discuss in private (or argue about) we’re done at the pub or whilst walking the dog.
We’re on good enough terms now to effectively co-parent our kids without any drama.
When kids are involved then you are going to know your ex for the rest of your life to some degree. Makes sense for both parties to make maximum effort to minimise the dramas if possible, for the kids sanity if nothing else.
Good luck. It might be a tough road, but it does get better with time. The relationship with your kids is priority 1. Money, assets, house, cars etc... it is what it is.
One door closes, another always opens. Part of life’s rich tapestry of events
But think it also depends on the mindset of your partner as to whether they want to do things reasonably or make things bad for you both!
It's always going to be wildly different for many cases - is there a child involved, a mortgage, employed/housewife, finances, close family etc etc - and, all too often, has she got another guy ready and waiting for your bed.
As far as I'm concerned, keeping calm and polite at all times is paramount. Don't get into arguments, prefer to walk away until matters are calmer. Keep a record of what is happening, how, when and by whom. Check over all finances and take precautions to protect valuable assets.
A mature, sensible, approach from both parties will make all the difference.
As far as I'm concerned, keeping calm and polite at all times is paramount. Don't get into arguments, prefer to walk away until matters are calmer. Keep a record of what is happening, how, when and by whom. Check over all finances and take precautions to protect valuable assets.
A mature, sensible, approach from both parties will make all the difference.
I hope I’m not stepping on too many sore toes here.
Those who have had the “I don’t love you any more” line as per thread title, and the painful aftermath that comes with it, May I ask some further questions…
Did you think that your partner had this ability (an inkling maybe) to be difficult post-divorce - before any of it happened?
Did any of your friends/colleagues/family raise any concerns with you before she moved in/got engaged/got married?
When did she become difficult? After she saw her solicitor or when she had talked to her post lucrative divorce friends?
The reason why I ask this is my sister’s’ first wedding had 4 relatives VERY noticeable by their absence. We found out later that they knew her fiancée was seeing someone else 2 weeks before they were married. They kept schtum. 3 years later, a divorce occurred when her husband started it all again. My sister was stunned about the silence (and then some) when she found out. She was given a massive warning sign from her best mate with regards to her second husband and his behaviour at work, she ignored it – cue 13 years of difficult marriage and pro rata, an extremely expensive divorce.
A good mate married a real stunner who he was warned about beforehand, I was there, I heard it! But he ignored the words and went ahead anyway. 11 years later, she turned out to be a total nightmare, and behaved in exactly the way he was warned about. Luckily no children involved. It cost him a paid off nice big house and everything in it to see the back of her.
I’ve asked this question of others, and they usually admit that signs were there, and in some cases, quite serious warnings were given.
I’m leaning towards the opinion that many men know the woman has the tendency to be like this, but “love” and a ready supply of horizontal jogging/great norks/OXO action makes one blind to any possible storms that lay ahead.
Over to the PH massive
Those who have had the “I don’t love you any more” line as per thread title, and the painful aftermath that comes with it, May I ask some further questions…
Did you think that your partner had this ability (an inkling maybe) to be difficult post-divorce - before any of it happened?
Did any of your friends/colleagues/family raise any concerns with you before she moved in/got engaged/got married?
When did she become difficult? After she saw her solicitor or when she had talked to her post lucrative divorce friends?
The reason why I ask this is my sister’s’ first wedding had 4 relatives VERY noticeable by their absence. We found out later that they knew her fiancée was seeing someone else 2 weeks before they were married. They kept schtum. 3 years later, a divorce occurred when her husband started it all again. My sister was stunned about the silence (and then some) when she found out. She was given a massive warning sign from her best mate with regards to her second husband and his behaviour at work, she ignored it – cue 13 years of difficult marriage and pro rata, an extremely expensive divorce.
A good mate married a real stunner who he was warned about beforehand, I was there, I heard it! But he ignored the words and went ahead anyway. 11 years later, she turned out to be a total nightmare, and behaved in exactly the way he was warned about. Luckily no children involved. It cost him a paid off nice big house and everything in it to see the back of her.
I’ve asked this question of others, and they usually admit that signs were there, and in some cases, quite serious warnings were given.
I’m leaning towards the opinion that many men know the woman has the tendency to be like this, but “love” and a ready supply of horizontal jogging/great norks/OXO action makes one blind to any possible storms that lay ahead.
Over to the PH massive
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