Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
nonsequitur said:
Doofus said:
davhill said:
havoc said:
8
It's a phonic joke that doesn't work phonically - "kin" as in short for f***ing would have to have a short pause before it in the sentence.
Anyway, that's another kitten gone...
That's why I put in the apostroscope to replace the f*c bit. It's a phonic joke that doesn't work phonically - "kin" as in short for f***ing would have to have a short pause before it in the sentence.
Anyway, that's another kitten gone...
Edited by nonsequitur on Tuesday 16th October 09:44
This is the Romford joke, bit long winded, but slightly amusing.
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball cap
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked,
" ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball cap
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
- Breaking news**
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked,
" ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Vipers said:
nonsequitur said:
Doofus said:
davhill said:
havoc said:
8
It's a phonic joke that doesn't work phonically - "kin" as in short for f***ing would have to have a short pause before it in the sentence.
Anyway, that's another kitten gone...
That's why I put in the apostroscope to replace the f*c bit. It's a phonic joke that doesn't work phonically - "kin" as in short for f***ing would have to have a short pause before it in the sentence.
Anyway, that's another kitten gone...
Edited by nonsequitur on Tuesday 16th October 09:44
Vipers said:
This is the Romford joke, bit long winded, but slightly amusing.
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Howdy Vipers, An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
That must be an old joke - Nowadays it could describe most towns in England.
Doofus said:
nonsequitur said:
I first heard it as ' KINELL ' As an abbreviation of f*****g hell. A profanity still used today, as a reaction to something negative....Maybe.
Yes, that I get. But the punchline was (presumably) Edited by nonsequitur on Tuesday 16th October 09:44
"What's your next of f
king?""What's my next of f
king what?"It makes no sense to me so what have I missed?
king” so hears an incomplete sentence.This is made clear in the punchline of the sentence. This is where people laugh at the mild surprise that different people interpret language differently and this was one such occasion.
I appreciate that it may require a good joke teller to recite this in person.
rayny said:
Vipers said:
This is the Romford joke, bit long winded, but slightly amusing.
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Howdy Vipers, An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
That must be an old joke - Nowadays it could describe most towns in England.
Some of Vipers jokes were old when Jesus was a lad... But Vipers don't let that stop you, keep on posting.
simoid said:
Doofus said:
nonsequitur said:
I first heard it as ' KINELL ' As an abbreviation of f*****g hell. A profanity still used today, as a reaction to something negative....Maybe.
Yes, that I get. But the punchline was (presumably) Edited by nonsequitur on Tuesday 16th October 09:44
"What's your next of f
king?""What's my next of f
king what?"It makes no sense to me so what have I missed?
king” so hears an incomplete sentence.This is made clear in the punchline of the sentence. This is where people laugh at the mild surprise that different people interpret language differently and this was one such occasion.
I appreciate that it may require a good joke teller to recite this in person.
I'm obviously overthinking it. I just need to file it as "Not very funny" and move on I think.
rayny said:
Vipers said:
This is the Romford joke, bit long winded, but slightly amusing.
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Howdy Vipers, An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
That must be an old joke - Nowadays it could describe most towns in England.
captain_cynic said:
It must be ancient... We started using the Movement Magnitude Scale over the Richter Scale decades ago
Some of Vipers jokes were old when Jesus was a lad... But Vipers don't let that stop you, keep on posting.
Didnt know about the Richter Scale, but I am sure that is still used on reporting on the media, but we need some old jokes for some of the young ones here, like me Some of Vipers jokes were old when Jesus was a lad... But Vipers don't let that stop you, keep on posting.
Vipers said:
This is the Romford joke, bit long winded, but slightly amusing.
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
...
The earthquake caused a hurricane? An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
...
Anyway, I thought the joke was that the earthquake/hurricane "caused millions of pounds worth of improvements".
Nimby said:
Vipers said:
This is the Romford joke, bit long winded, but slightly amusing.
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
...
The earthquake caused a hurricane? An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
...
Anyway, I thought the joke was that the earthquake/hurricane "caused millions of pounds worth of improvements".
Doofus said:
It's the 'of' that makes no sense to me.
Next of Kin - nearest relativeDon't expect an Essex girl to be pedantic about grammar
Doofus said:
I'm obviously overthinking it. I just need to file it as "Not very funny" and move on I think.
Made me laugh even though I heard it several times when I lived in EssexAlong with the "how do you know when an Essex girl has an orgasm - she drops her chips"
Others
http://www.nerdware.org/doc/essexgirls.html
StevieBee said:
They said that because I'm dyslexic, I'd be no good at poetry.
What do they know? Only this week I've made two vases and a jug.
nine days ago (8/10)What do they know? Only this week I've made two vases and a jug.
GloverMart said:
They told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
I've had the last laugh though. So far, I’ve made three jugs and a vase....
That's 3 vases and 4 jugs now I've had the last laugh though. So far, I’ve made three jugs and a vase....
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