Can you learn 'small talk'?
Discussion
227bhp said:
This probably isn't going to go down well, but I ponder if the ability to naturally do small talk for hours on end for no gain shows a lack of intelligence?
Surely the cleverer person cuts out this section and gets down to business.
That's why women are so good at it.
There are different types of intelligence so no I don't think it shows a lack of intelligence, just maybe a different type of intelligence; commonly referred to as 'emotional intelligence' which while I dislike the phrase, describes what I mean.Surely the cleverer person cuts out this section and gets down to business.
That's why women are so good at it.
Trying to think of something that will engage someone and lead to a conversation is challenging for a lot of people but if you're happy not doing so, then don't.
However the OP asked if it was possible to learn and I'd say yes, it is.
I've always been poor with small talk, but my job has evolved over the years to the point at which I needed to improve. Over the past few years it's improved to the point I'll happily go into a room and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, despite often being far happier being left to my own devices. One of the things I found helpful is trying to make small talk with people in situations that don't matter, for instance with the checkout or shop workers, you can view it as practice for the real thing.
As many others have said, open questions about the other person and a lot of listening is the key, sometimes it even pays dividends (I had to go to a birthday party with my daughter yesterday as my wife was ill, 2 hours with 5 year olds and party games didn't appeal so I struck up a conversation with the woman next to me "Which one's yours", same class as my daughter etc. etc. Then I discover her husband's an engine builder and I spend the rest of the party chatting to him about engine transplants into my wife's VW Up- result!).
Edited by Mark Benson on Monday 11th January 11:16
227bhp said:
Goaty Bill 2 said:
My point was;
Dismissing small talk as pointless is the "excuse to be lazy". Most of us make excuses at some time or another to avoid the things we don't like.
It may often turn out to be non-productive or a waste of time, unless you adopt an attitude of learning and hopefully gaining confidence from each experience.
Making the effort, especially when you are someone who finds it hard work, is anything but.
I'm sorry, but i'm not really understanding this at all. I can't see any connection between laziness and small talk. If I don't do ST it is not because I am lazy.Dismissing small talk as pointless is the "excuse to be lazy". Most of us make excuses at some time or another to avoid the things we don't like.
It may often turn out to be non-productive or a waste of time, unless you adopt an attitude of learning and hopefully gaining confidence from each experience.
Making the effort, especially when you are someone who finds it hard work, is anything but.
).The salient argument is; if you feel uncomfortable with it, and wish to some degree you could manage this better; using the excuse of "pointless" would be laziness.
The OP, and thread title, clearly fall into the categories of "would like to know more" or "I sort of wish I could do this".
A few people I know use the excuse/reason for not avoiding situations / social gatherings when any form of small talk might be expected, by simply saying "it's pointless".
But the truth is, they simply feel uncomfortable with it, believing they don't know how to do it, or finding it difficult. In fact all of them are perfectly able once given a start, and guided to topics they are comfortable with. They may not exhibit all the traits of a great conversationalist, but they manage far better than they realise.
No one I think is suggesting that anyone should run out looking for opportunities to engage in pointless conversations, or that not doing so is lazy.
IMO it's a good idea to ask oneself the question; "would I feel more comfortable if I could do this thing?", and then give oneself an honest answer to the question.
227bhp said:
Goaty Bill 2 said:
Seriously though, even if you 'target' someone that you wish to know for personal, professional or other reasons, you probably did a little small talk dance of some kind.
I have known a few people that could easily be approached with an opening line that goes straight to the heart of some deeply technical question, and they would be equally willing to begin the conversation from that point, without feeling any need for the conventional social niceties.
In fact, I am one of them.
No I didn't make any small talk, any chat was done with the intention of getting something like in your second paragraph.I have known a few people that could easily be approached with an opening line that goes straight to the heart of some deeply technical question, and they would be equally willing to begin the conversation from that point, without feeling any need for the conventional social niceties.
In fact, I am one of them.
In some shops the locals round here have a nasty habit of greeting you with hiyayoright? This basically translates to "Hello, are you alright?"
I can see why they do it as they haven't actually broken down what they are saying (probably lack of intelligence) and just say it because everyone else does. They have no idea who I am, nor are they concerned with my wellbeing.
If I was laid on the pavement face down I would expect someone to say "Hello, are you alright?", but I'm not, i'm just trying to buy a loaf of bread. I'm often tempted to say "No, I have chronic diarrhea", or serious bowel cancer or something.
Personally I just say 'Hello' and smile. It's enough, it does the job.
When I was first confronted with the "awightmate" greeting, I was deeply confused.
It took me a while to realise that in a very similar fashion to the; person 1; "how do you do?", person 2; "how do you do" convention, the correct response was not any form of actual answer, but; "awight" or "awightmate" (the latter being the more formal form of response
).I just wasn't able, though I tried a couple of times, and default to "hi" or "hello", "afternoon" etc.
I really do dislike the habit of "how are you" at the very beginning of a phone call, unless it is a genuine friend who may actually desire to hear an answer, or give one as the case may be.
utgjon said:
Small talk =/= chatting about mundane things
The two may overlap in some instances... but the purpose of small talk is to provide the first rung of the ladder in the conversation. You progress from there...
Try it, you might learn something new.
Most succinctly put; this ^^^The two may overlap in some instances... but the purpose of small talk is to provide the first rung of the ladder in the conversation. You progress from there...
Try it, you might learn something new.
NickGibbs said:
Nik da Greek said:
280E said:
Can you learn 'small talk'?
Yes.Come here often?
I've been hanging around for ages waiting for that Goaty fella to take a breath but at least it means I can hang around in the corner here, cane all the canapes and get blootered on the punch without anyone bothering me
Nik da Greek said:
Thanks
Come here often?
I've been hanging around for ages waiting for that Goaty fella to take a breath but at least it means I can hang around in the corner here, cane all the canapes and get blootered on the punch without anyone bothering me
Frequently, perhaps too frequently for my own good Come here often?
I've been hanging around for ages waiting for that Goaty fella to take a breath but at least it means I can hang around in the corner here, cane all the canapes and get blootered on the punch without anyone bothering me
And you...
Goaty Bill 2 said:
That would be the point of describing this imaginary person as being a 'master'
Imagine the usual group of four scenario; two couples, and at least one person is attending strictly for the benefit of their partner, and that person is introverted/shy/uncomfortable with small talk.
That person will often be the quiet one, not offering much if anything to the conversation.
I have noticed that some people are very adept at recognising this person's discomfort and silence, and will subtly attempt to bring them into the conversation, or change the conversation in a way that they believe is more likely to involve them.
The second stage master will recognise when this person is so shy or uncomfortable, that it is better to allow them to stand/sit silently.
So no, someone who is very good at this social dance, would be sensitive enough to allow someone their lack of participation.
If one is the uncomfortable one, a person like this is giving you that opportunity to 'practise' your social skills. Work up the courage and grab the opportunity, even if only for a moment.
Like most everything in life, practise improves performance.
I have just shuddered at how revoltingly self-important this "master" seems to be. All shiny suits and timeshare selling.Imagine the usual group of four scenario; two couples, and at least one person is attending strictly for the benefit of their partner, and that person is introverted/shy/uncomfortable with small talk.
That person will often be the quiet one, not offering much if anything to the conversation.
I have noticed that some people are very adept at recognising this person's discomfort and silence, and will subtly attempt to bring them into the conversation, or change the conversation in a way that they believe is more likely to involve them.
The second stage master will recognise when this person is so shy or uncomfortable, that it is better to allow them to stand/sit silently.
So no, someone who is very good at this social dance, would be sensitive enough to allow someone their lack of participation.
If one is the uncomfortable one, a person like this is giving you that opportunity to 'practise' your social skills. Work up the courage and grab the opportunity, even if only for a moment.
Like most everything in life, practise improves performance.
Yes you can.
I was sent on plenty of courses when I worked for a retail bank selling. The bank wanted a caring image so wanted all its staff softened up and trained in the art of getting to know their customers. This worked until the numbers dipped and then I was selling all sorts of s
t to old women who didnt want or need it. I left soon after.
Its key in sales and client relationship management. People buy you and not the products etc etc.
I used to have hook questions depending on who I was speaking to. You were supposed to map their lives out by asking open questions about them. Sounds simple but there is definatley an art to it.
Something like question on the house they are looking for, leads to lifestyle questions, kids, hobbies, work, commuting leads to cars.
Investments were all about future aspirations and how they would get there.
I found being genuinely intested in the answers they gave helped.
Its saved me at dinner parties or getting stuck in silence on a train/cars with colleagues.
I was sent on plenty of courses when I worked for a retail bank selling. The bank wanted a caring image so wanted all its staff softened up and trained in the art of getting to know their customers. This worked until the numbers dipped and then I was selling all sorts of s
t to old women who didnt want or need it. I left soon after. Its key in sales and client relationship management. People buy you and not the products etc etc.
I used to have hook questions depending on who I was speaking to. You were supposed to map their lives out by asking open questions about them. Sounds simple but there is definatley an art to it.
Something like question on the house they are looking for, leads to lifestyle questions, kids, hobbies, work, commuting leads to cars.
Investments were all about future aspirations and how they would get there.
I found being genuinely intested in the answers they gave helped.
Its saved me at dinner parties or getting stuck in silence on a train/cars with colleagues.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff