What to do about this?
Discussion
Can I offer a bit of female insight?
You don't really know what her frame of mind was when she left you, albeit clearly not right. And people have a lovely way of rewriting their version of events - particularly when so much time has passed. It's highly possible that she sees herself as the wronged party somehow and if you wade in with "I want a DNA test" and presumably she is still a bit of a loon - there is a bit of a risk she tells you to f
k off and worse tells your son you don't believe he is yours. Which would be incredibly damaging to him - clearly.
If you really do want a relationship with him. Then tread very very carefully with your ex and position it very clearly that you do deeply want a relationship with him but for X reasons you want to do the testing - without him knowing.
You don't really know what her frame of mind was when she left you, albeit clearly not right. And people have a lovely way of rewriting their version of events - particularly when so much time has passed. It's highly possible that she sees herself as the wronged party somehow and if you wade in with "I want a DNA test" and presumably she is still a bit of a loon - there is a bit of a risk she tells you to f
k off and worse tells your son you don't believe he is yours. Which would be incredibly damaging to him - clearly. If you really do want a relationship with him. Then tread very very carefully with your ex and position it very clearly that you do deeply want a relationship with him but for X reasons you want to do the testing - without him knowing.
Herbie58 said:
Can I offer a bit of female insight?
You don't really know what her frame of mind was when she left you, albeit clearly not right. And people have a lovely way of rewriting their version of events - particularly when so much time has passed. It's highly possible that she sees herself as the wronged party somehow and if you wade in with "I want a DNA test" and presumably she is still a bit of a loon - there is a bit of a risk she tells you to fk off and worse tells your son you don't believe he is yours. Which would be incredibly damaging to him - clearly.
If you really do want a relationship with him. Then tread very very carefully with your ex and position it very clearly that you do deeply want a relationship with him but for X reasons you want to do the testing - without him knowing.
That's exactly what I was thinking, but it depends on the back story behind it. Was this issue raised when the breakup happened? If she has no inkling you are doubtful of paternity raising it now will be like detonating a nuke, and likely to bring proceedings to an abrupt end regardless of whether he's yours or not, no matter how much he wants to know you. If she knew from the split that paternity was an issue (guessing she 'knew' the new bloke before you split since they got engaged that quick), then it won't come as that much of a surprise to her if you raise it again now.You don't really know what her frame of mind was when she left you, albeit clearly not right. And people have a lovely way of rewriting their version of events - particularly when so much time has passed. It's highly possible that she sees herself as the wronged party somehow and if you wade in with "I want a DNA test" and presumably she is still a bit of a loon - there is a bit of a risk she tells you to f
k off and worse tells your son you don't believe he is yours. Which would be incredibly damaging to him - clearly. If you really do want a relationship with him. Then tread very very carefully with your ex and position it very clearly that you do deeply want a relationship with him but for X reasons you want to do the testing - without him knowing.
Do you know if she is still with the same bloke? I'd have thought if she believed he was the father, she'd have just told the boy that he was right from the start. Maybe they've split/other bloke questioned fatherhood? Maybe they've already done the test and she knows the lad is yours?
Is she back in the UK, or still abroad? I'd say there's only any real point in getting involved in the boy's life if you can realistically meet in person with some regularity. If they're miles away then a quick chat on the phone/skype is going to create more questions than answers.
I think you need to phone her and discuss things before making any decisions on what to do. Find out what's actually going on. You won't be able to do a DNA test on the sly (not legally anyway) as you'd need parental responsibility to authorise it.
Sump said:
phil_cardiff said:
Sump said:
Nothing good will come out of this.
That chip on your shoulder must be pretty heavy. 
I'm a father to an 18 month old. If he'd have been taken away after even a few minutes of being born I'd always want to see him, be with him and be his father.
A paternity test somewhere along the line is probably wise in this situation though.
Good luck OP, there is potential for something good in this situation, I hope you find it.
PurpleMoonlight said:
I have serious doubts J is actually my child.
I really don't know what to do for the best.
You could use it as an opportunity to do a discreet DNA test.I really don't know what to do for the best.
https://www.easydna.co.uk/discreet-dna-test/
However it might be a trap to get back dated maintenance from you
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/business/news/wi...
If it was me, I'd agree to meet him and be totally honest in answering all his questions even down to not being entirely certain the you're even related. I wouldn't sugarcoat any of it because he deserves the truth.
I would also respond to your ex beforehand and coldly make it explicitly clear that you hold no grudges but feel you owe the kid complete honesty - is she happy for you to go ahead on that basis? If not, it's pointless and will do more harm than good.
It's all about what's best for the kid now.
I would also respond to your ex beforehand and coldly make it explicitly clear that you hold no grudges but feel you owe the kid complete honesty - is she happy for you to go ahead on that basis? If not, it's pointless and will do more harm than good.
It's all about what's best for the kid now.
George Smiley said:
OP any update on this?
I find myself in the unenviable position of needing two tests
One to determine if my daughter is mine
The other to exclude my exes son from being mine (she left whilst pregnant with her new squeeze’s child)
Did you get the test done?
George you will need 3 tests - one for youI find myself in the unenviable position of needing two tests
One to determine if my daughter is mine
The other to exclude my exes son from being mine (she left whilst pregnant with her new squeeze’s child)
Did you get the test done?
Don't go the cheap route. Get a proper test trust me it will be worth it in the long run.
Once you have all 3 then you will be able to move forward in your life deciding what is important to you.
Good Luck
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