Long lost relative (Dad)
Discussion
Hi PH,
Since the age of 8 I've known that my Dad (who I call and regard as nothing other than my Dad even if biologically he is not) isn't my 'real' Dad. Curiosity being what it is I've on odd occasions searched for my 'real' Dad with little to no success.
Both my Mum and Dad have been more than willing to give me information and even help me with finding 'real' Dad but I've never wanted to cause hurt or upset the apple cart. I have however always been curious to know more; for what, I don't know.
Having recently got turned 30, got married & doing okay for myself my curiousity has been running wild. With social media being the beast it is these days naturally people have become a lot easier to locate and contact. With this and the small amount of information that I have on 'real' Dad I managed to track down his wife, 3 sons and a daughter. (Real Dad doesn't have much presence on social media with the exception of a few pictures on his family's FB page). Whilst scanning a few of their pictures one cropped up with their address on from a few weeks ago.
This has got me thinking;
Do I send a P&C letter? If so, saying what?
Do I make contact in anyway?
Why am I even considering making contact?
I know his Wife knows about me but does the rest of the family?
What am I to gain / lose?
What are your thoughts?
Happy to answer any questions . . .
Since the age of 8 I've known that my Dad (who I call and regard as nothing other than my Dad even if biologically he is not) isn't my 'real' Dad. Curiosity being what it is I've on odd occasions searched for my 'real' Dad with little to no success.
Both my Mum and Dad have been more than willing to give me information and even help me with finding 'real' Dad but I've never wanted to cause hurt or upset the apple cart. I have however always been curious to know more; for what, I don't know.
Having recently got turned 30, got married & doing okay for myself my curiousity has been running wild. With social media being the beast it is these days naturally people have become a lot easier to locate and contact. With this and the small amount of information that I have on 'real' Dad I managed to track down his wife, 3 sons and a daughter. (Real Dad doesn't have much presence on social media with the exception of a few pictures on his family's FB page). Whilst scanning a few of their pictures one cropped up with their address on from a few weeks ago.
This has got me thinking;
Do I send a P&C letter? If so, saying what?
Do I make contact in anyway?
Why am I even considering making contact?
I know his Wife knows about me but does the rest of the family?
What am I to gain / lose?
What are your thoughts?
Happy to answer any questions . . .
My son found me after 18 years via electoral role and a few other local hints. He's now in his mid forties and we are still good mates and see each other regularly. He only got one side of the story when he finally found and met me (two week after his initial phone call) he realised I wasn't the ogre that I had been betrayed to be by his adopted family.
I love my son, and I'm pleased he loves me for all the right reasons.
I'd rather have in in my life than live my life without him.
I love my son, and I'm pleased he loves me for all the right reasons.
I'd rather have in in my life than live my life without him.
Nanook said:
My ex found out when I was going out with her, that her Dad had an older daughter from a preious relationship. My ex was 21, had a brother who was my age (24) and they found out about the 30 year old sister.
It basically ruined their family. neither my ex or her brother ever forgave their Dad for lying to them, and the way that the older daughter had been treated, effectively cut off and forgotten about.
No-one can make a decision about this but you, and you have every right to contact your biological father, but be warned, it might not go well.
Out of interest, was the ex's mother aware of the older daughter?It basically ruined their family. neither my ex or her brother ever forgave their Dad for lying to them, and the way that the older daughter had been treated, effectively cut off and forgotten about.
No-one can make a decision about this but you, and you have every right to contact your biological father, but be warned, it might not go well.
Jimmy Recard said:
Nanook said:
My ex found out when I was going out with her, that her Dad had an older daughter from a preious relationship. My ex was 21, had a brother who was my age (24) and they found out about the 30 year old sister.
It basically ruined their family. neither my ex or her brother ever forgave their Dad for lying to them, and the way that the older daughter had been treated, effectively cut off and forgotten about.
No-one can make a decision about this but you, and you have every right to contact your biological father, but be warned, it might not go well.
Out of interest, was the ex's mother aware of the older daughter?It basically ruined their family. neither my ex or her brother ever forgave their Dad for lying to them, and the way that the older daughter had been treated, effectively cut off and forgotten about.
No-one can make a decision about this but you, and you have every right to contact your biological father, but be warned, it might not go well.
My sister has spoken to my mum about it, she doesn't know officially but she suspects that my dad fathered a daughter when they were together.
My dad died almost 2 years ago now so I can't ask him, however I'm not actually that bothered to find out.
This happened to a mate of mine. He wrote to his real dad and tried calling but his dad refused to reply. He did think about approaching him unannoinced but decided no good would come if his real dad had already ignored his requests. However, my pal is now on excellent terms with a number of half-siblings and it's really added to his life.
Like a lot of things in life, you'd regret not trying OP, and I'd guess the upside is greater than the down-side, so I'd suggest going for it - all the best!
Like a lot of things in life, you'd regret not trying OP, and I'd guess the upside is greater than the down-side, so I'd suggest going for it - all the best!
Joe5y said:
I know his Wife knows about me but does the rest of the family?
Intrigued as how do you know that? Perhaps you could contact her and be guided by her response.Our next door neighbour had a surprise half-sister appear when her Dad retired. He'd been corresponding with her through work and wanted to continue so had to come clean. His wife didn't know and wasn't thrilled but got over it. Rest of family were made up that they'd gained another sister.
Nanook said:
It basically ruined their family. neither my ex or her brother ever forgave their Dad for lying to them, and the way that the older daughter had been treated, effectively cut off and forgotten about..
This is one thing I am worried about. I'm not out to upset his or my family. He owes me nothing and I'm not out to seek anything; I'm just curious. Have a beer. See what he looks like. Find out his side of the story. Big Al. said:
My son found me after 18 years via electoral role and a few other local hints. He's now in his mid forties and we are still good mates and see each other regularly. He only got one side of the story when he finally found and met me (two week after his initial phone call) he realised I wasn't the ogre that I had been betrayed to be by his adopted family.
I love my son, and I'm pleased he loves me for all the right reasons.
I'd rather have in in my life than live my life without him.
That's excellent. I'm really pleased that you were / both so receptive. I love my son, and I'm pleased he loves me for all the right reasons.
I'd rather have in in my life than live my life without him.
My Mum and family actually don't have a bad word to say about him. They've only told the truth, or at least what I now understand to be the truth. He actually paid child support until I was 22?!! Think he forgot to stop it
Sheepshanks said:
Intrigued as how do you know that? Perhaps you could contact her and be guided by her response.
.
She was the wife at the time of the affair. (In short, he was in the army. My Mum was working next to barracks. Mum wasn't aware of the marriage and had what turned out to be a 9 month affair. I came along after they had split. He knew about Mum being pregnant as soon as she could tell him. He came clean about the marriage. They only spoke after that about me and payments etc.) .
He's never wanted to see me or pictures according to the family. He once bumped into my Grandad in the street and I was running along behind (aged 6). When he knew it was me he walked off.
There is a professional Family Tree forum that deals with these issues sensitively,
https://www.familytreeforum.com/forum.php
https://www.familytreeforum.com/forum.php
Joe5y.
If I were you, I would write a letter to your natural fathers wife. Ask her if she, he and the rest of the family would consider meeting you.
Just because SHE knows of you, doesn't mean the rest of their family do.
Give her every avenue to respond. Email address, facebook name, telephone number and address.
Make sure it is a hand written letter.
Alternatively, do you have a close female friend that could possibly write to her or phone her.
I write from experience.
I was adopted at ten days old. I knew from an early age that I was.
A close friend phoned my natural mother when I was thirty. They spoke for a while and I was assured that all my siblings and current husband were aware of my 'existence' .
It wasn't until my 35th birthday (9 years ago), that I finally had the bottle to phone.
My natural mothers husband, answered the phone. I asked if I could speak to her.
When he asked my name, he handed me straight over to her.
We had a good chat.
Two weeks later, we met at my maternal grandmothers house. It turns out that she lived 13 miles away !
It was quite an intense meeting with all sorts of emotions., nothing like I had experienced before... ( 2 brothers, 2 sisters, husband, ex husband, Gran sister in law and 2 nephews turned up to a one bed flat to meet me and my wife !! )
Would I consider doing this again to meet my natural father ? YES.
I only keep in contact with one of my half sisters and occasionally, my natural mothers'ex husband.
I say go for it. Keep it real though.
If they don't want to meet, then so be it. Don't be downhearted about it.
You have nothing to lose.
Good luck.
If I were you, I would write a letter to your natural fathers wife. Ask her if she, he and the rest of the family would consider meeting you.
Just because SHE knows of you, doesn't mean the rest of their family do.
Give her every avenue to respond. Email address, facebook name, telephone number and address.
Make sure it is a hand written letter.
Alternatively, do you have a close female friend that could possibly write to her or phone her.
I write from experience.
I was adopted at ten days old. I knew from an early age that I was.
A close friend phoned my natural mother when I was thirty. They spoke for a while and I was assured that all my siblings and current husband were aware of my 'existence'
.It wasn't until my 35th birthday (9 years ago), that I finally had the bottle to phone.
My natural mothers husband, answered the phone. I asked if I could speak to her.
When he asked my name, he handed me straight over to her.
We had a good chat.
Two weeks later, we met at my maternal grandmothers house. It turns out that she lived 13 miles away !
It was quite an intense meeting with all sorts of emotions., nothing like I had experienced before... ( 2 brothers, 2 sisters, husband, ex husband, Gran sister in law and 2 nephews turned up to a one bed flat to meet me and my wife !! )
Would I consider doing this again to meet my natural father ? YES.
I only keep in contact with one of my half sisters and occasionally, my natural mothers'ex husband.
I say go for it. Keep it real though.
If they don't want to meet, then so be it. Don't be downhearted about it.
You have nothing to lose.
Good luck.
I'm in a similar scenario, but a bit different.
My mother was seeing a married guy, she got pregnant and then he bailed after saying he would leave his wife blah blah.
My mother married when I was 4 and I was officially adopted by my "dad", who really is my Dad imo.
I know who he is, seen his family's facebook profiles, but I don't have much interest to get in touch with him, every now and then when drunk though I think should I....
Good luck with whatever choice you do.
My mother was seeing a married guy, she got pregnant and then he bailed after saying he would leave his wife blah blah.
My mother married when I was 4 and I was officially adopted by my "dad", who really is my Dad imo.
I know who he is, seen his family's facebook profiles, but I don't have much interest to get in touch with him, every now and then when drunk though I think should I....
Good luck with whatever choice you do.
Impasse said:
Personally I wouldn't bother. This man has had plenty of opportunity to be a part of your life but has decided not to over and again for reasons known only to him.
Concentrate on the family you do have rather than mulling over what might have been.
I see where you are coming from. Concentrate on the family you do have rather than mulling over what might have been.
However, his natural father maybe thinking the same.
Sometimes, a situation of stalemate can be broken.
Edited by viscountdallara on Wednesday 7th September 20:33
viscountdallara said:
Joe5y.
If I were you, I would write a letter to your natural fathers wife. Ask her if she, he and the rest of the family would consider meeting you.
Just because SHE knows of you, doesn't mean the rest of their family do.
Give her every avenue to respond. Email address, facebook name, telephone number and address.
Make sure it is a hand written letter.
Alternatively, do you have a close female friend that could possibly write to her or phone her.
I write from experience.
I was adopted at ten days old. I knew from an early age that I was.
A close friend phoned my natural mother when I was thirty. They spoke for a while and I was assured that all my siblings and current husband were aware of my 'existence' .
It wasn't until my 35th birthday (9 years ago), that I finally had the bottle to phone.
My natural mothers husband, answered the phone. I asked if I could speak to her.
When he asked my name, he handed me straight over to her.
We had a good chat.
Two weeks later, we met at my maternal grandmothers house. It turns out that she lived 13 miles away !
It was quite an intense meeting with all sorts of emotions., nothing like I had experienced before... ( 2 brothers, 2 sisters, husband, ex husband, Gran sister in law and 2 nephews turned up to a one bed flat to meet me and my wife !! )
Would I consider doing this again to meet my natural father ? YES.
I only keep in contact with one of my half sisters and occasionally, my natural mothers'ex husband.
I say go for it. Keep it real though.
If they don't want to meet, then so be it. Don't be downhearted about it.
You have nothing to lose.
Good luck.
This is sound advice , however you must make sure you're prepared to handle rejection . Best of luck OP
If I were you, I would write a letter to your natural fathers wife. Ask her if she, he and the rest of the family would consider meeting you.
Just because SHE knows of you, doesn't mean the rest of their family do.
Give her every avenue to respond. Email address, facebook name, telephone number and address.
Make sure it is a hand written letter.
Alternatively, do you have a close female friend that could possibly write to her or phone her.
I write from experience.
I was adopted at ten days old. I knew from an early age that I was.
A close friend phoned my natural mother when I was thirty. They spoke for a while and I was assured that all my siblings and current husband were aware of my 'existence'
.It wasn't until my 35th birthday (9 years ago), that I finally had the bottle to phone.
My natural mothers husband, answered the phone. I asked if I could speak to her.
When he asked my name, he handed me straight over to her.
We had a good chat.
Two weeks later, we met at my maternal grandmothers house. It turns out that she lived 13 miles away !
It was quite an intense meeting with all sorts of emotions., nothing like I had experienced before... ( 2 brothers, 2 sisters, husband, ex husband, Gran sister in law and 2 nephews turned up to a one bed flat to meet me and my wife !! )
Would I consider doing this again to meet my natural father ? YES.
I only keep in contact with one of my half sisters and occasionally, my natural mothers'ex husband.
I say go for it. Keep it real though.
If they don't want to meet, then so be it. Don't be downhearted about it.
You have nothing to lose.
Good luck.
This is sound advice , however you must make sure you're prepared to handle rejection . Best of luck OP
Write him a private letter saying youre are curious, not wanting to make a big deal out of it, are happy as you are but wouldnt mind a quick beer just the two of you to have a chat and catch up. Explain it is completely up to him but youd appreciate a letter back either way.
If he replies, great, if not, no worries.
If he replies, great, if not, no worries.
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