: Mitsubishi Evo II, Mitsubishi Legnum VR4, Subaru Impreza Wagon Turbo 2000, Peugeot 106 GTI, Renault 19 16V; currently Subaru Forester Turbo, Suzuki Ignis Sport, Toyota Yaris Sport
"I'd just landed myself a new job after a couple of years in the doldrums, which came with the obligatory company motor. The last company car I ordered some years prior was a Skoda Octavia vRS, a car I was sadly not to drive as I left that job following a sizeable bust-up with my then boss. I found myself instead in a Subaru impreza Turbo 2000 wagon that turned out to have had a really nasty dose of tin worm.
"Following the obligatory three-month probation period my email finally pinged to the sound of Lex Autolease willing me to choose my poison. Something seemed strangely amiss as the choices ranged from Audi A3 poverty boxes to slightly less anemic Golfs, Vauxhalls, Hondas and a couple of Toyotas.
"In 2011 I think I was still waiting for the financial sky to fall in, and due to ongoing job instability whatever I decided to order I was going to keep my Forester as a fall-back. I'd looked at the Honda Insight, in as much I'd peered through the window of one at the Royal Cornwall Show. Online reviews suggested this car was even worse than it's main rival the Prius and, the more I thought about it, the more it became an exercise into how I could save as much money as possible."
"It dully arrived some 12 weeks later, the delivery driver pointed out the Mercedes style parking brake and the countless bongs. The bongs have only just stopped. A bong for the lights, a bong for the door, the boot, the bonnet. A slightly different bong for putting the car in reverse, a really pissed off bong if you walked off having not turned the car off to nip back indoors for something you'd forgotten. A bong if it didn't detect the key. Endless bongs."
Things I love:
"There was some early fascination. My first trip to grab a sandwich from the local shops was done in complete silence. I wafted along on a cloud of smugness that's difficult to comprehend unless you've been there. Though I nearly ran over a pensioner when he walked out in front of my whispering death mobile. It was a theme that would become something of a menace while cruising around the lightly pedestrianised coastal towns of Cornwall.
"The shock and awe of the electric mode while driving through the centre of a place like Falmouth in summer as people looked and walked straight at you is something you have to experience. You develop another sense where you just know they're going to throw themselves under the wheels of your car. That I didn't end up with a least one bonnet ornament during my stewardship is more down to luck than judgment.
"I can't write about this without mentioning the 'Clarkson' effect it had on some other motorists. A company car driver in a car he hates is your worst nightmare. He'll park it anywhere and not care if you ping dent it, hit it, set if on fire. He's not paying. And worse still, if he's driving 400 miles to get home he couldn't give a toss what you're driving or how quickly you're going. It's strange how many people seem to detest being overtaken by a Prius..."
"I could never get the car to do what I wanted to. The three modes of EV, Eco, and Sport (seriously?) were never available when you wanted them. EV mode was particularly hard to come by.
"It wasn't a bad place to sit, but compared to what? A park bench full of tramps? It's not until now I've changed it I realise a lot of the money spent on the technology was shaved off the interior. The most horrible of scratchy plastics, shut lines on the door you could pass your sandwiches through, the draught that would come through the interior drivers door handle, the fact that if you pushed the drivers window up all the way, the drivers door card would also bulge outwards, the Speak & Spell instrumentation. I'd swear the paint was so thin in places I'm sure you could see the primer too.
"The brakes were terrible - I had a number of moments where I didn't think it was ever going to come to a standstill. The road noise wasn't great, and the Bluetooth would frequently fall out with my phone, cut me off and disconnect for no apparent reason. The traction control worked in a different timezone, to the point where I think it was just a flashing light that wasn't actually connected to anything and, yes, spinning the wheels is entirely possible...
"Another complete mystery was the car's complete inability to charge any electronic device from any of the power outlets. A car brimming with electricity but would baulk at the thought of transferring it to a mobile phone. Astonishing."
"I never got to the claimed mpg. I quickly learned my ape-like application of the throttle resulted in me having to avoid Eco mode - I got better mpg when it wasn't switched on to any setting at all, the highest of which was a dizzying 64mpg. I'm sure you can get better mileage, but you'd still be driving to half the places I've been to."
Where I've been:
"The worst thing for me about it all is the fact I've covered 100,000 miles and I can't recall a single memorable one. I've been down many, many, roads and yearned to be back in my creaking Forester, clattered down a number of B-roads and longed to be behind the wheel of something else. I've even been to some decent events, a couple of rounds of the BTCC and the WEC, but the journeys are lost and of no lasting value. White goods motoring."
What next?
"I now drive an Insignia estate that replaced the Prius. 6,500 miles in and I'm starting to think the Vauxhall is worse..."
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