What’s the most ridiculous car to have been put through a manufacturer’s performance division? Japan’s many, many sport kei cars spring to mind, all of which are brimming with charm and Gran Turismo appeal yet (hilariously) are all limited to 64hp under the segment’s stringent regs. In America, pickup enthusiasts are obviously spoilt for choice when it comes to utility vehicles beefed up with superchargers, track-honed suspension and, yes, aero kits. They may make zero sense on paper, but the fact they exist proves (if proof were needed) that there are buyers out there clamouring for something out of the ordinary.
It’s not like we’re averse to a whacky sports special in Britain, either. You could argue that the Lotus Carton is the perfect example, with Hethel taking one of the most dreary cars ever made and turning it into, at the time, the world’s fastest-performance saloon. That’s the last time we’d ever see the two British marques come together on such a transformational project (the Elise and VX220s were sports cars from the start, after all), but Vauxhall did go it alone in the mid-2000s with its homegrown VXR division. Alongside some conventionally cool offerings (Astra, Vectra, Insignia VXRs), there were also oddities such as the Zafira VXR and the car you see here - the Meriva VXR.
True, Vauxhall’s approach to the performance car market was to send almost its entire fleet through Opel Performance Center workshop and see what worked. Though the Agila never got a look in (blast!), the Meriva did, serving as a more compact and affordable alternative to the equally bonkers hot Zafira. It certainly had all the VXR hallmarks, featuring the turning arm’s signature body kit, a squared-off, extra-shouty exhaust and massive 17-inch wheels. And while the cabin was no less drab than standard, a set of Recaro seats made you feel like you weren’t in just another humdrum mini MPV.
Of course, that’s before you hit the loud pedal. Pinning your right foot to the floor unlocked 180hp at 5,500rpm from a 1.6-litre turbocharged four-pot, which was good enough to send you and your family from 0-62mph in under eight seconds. Meanwhile, the suspension was stiffened up and lowered by 10mm at the front and 15mm at the rear, and extra stopping power was earned by a set of larger ventilated brake discs.
The results were, er, mixed. Reviews at the time noted that the Meriva’s high centre of gravity and skinny footprint did result in a fair amount of body roll, while the lack of a limited-slip differential meant that spirited driving was often accompanied by copious amounts of torque steer. The thing is though, had Vauxhall thrown a trick diff in or spent countless hours honing the setup, the Meriva VXR would have cost considerably more than its lofty-for-2006 price tag of £16,500. It’s not like there were many alternatives, either. If a fast-in-a-straight-line mini MPV was what you were after, the Meriva VXR did what it said on the tin.
In far more straitened times, it still has the potential to tickle the funny bone. Not for the north of 15 grand, of course, but how about £3,650? For that, you’re getting a seemingly very tidy example with just 68,000 miles on the clock and a fresh MOT. It’s pretty rare, too. HowManyLeft puts the number of registered examples left at 109, down from a peak of a little over 250 in 2009. Hard to imagine many would have been kept in as good a nick as this, left alone left untouched by the look of it. Is it a bit silly? Yes. Will it be any good as a hot hatch? Definitely not - but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be fun in its own right. Does it qualify as a guilty pleasure? Absolutely.
SPECIFICATION | VAUXHALL MERIVA VXR
Engine: 1,598cc four-cylinder, turbocharged
Transmission: six-speed manual, front-wheel drive
Power (hp): 180@5,500rpm
Torque (lb ft): 170@3,850rpm
MPG: 36
CO2: 187g/km
Year registered: 2007
Recorded mileage: 68,000
Price new: £16,495
Yours for: £3,650
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