Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
super7 said:
If I had ever of been unfaithful or violent or abusive or anything like that I would have had no defense to my Ex going for everything she could get.
In my circumstances, I was guilty of working too hard and working away from home to give my family (including all her daughters from a previous marriage) a good lifestyle.
Obviously, that gave her the opportunity to play away and that... was my fault!! I was asked to leave the house, asked to pay maintenance. I was told quite simply that she didn't love me anymore and that nobody else was involved. Well... actually half the village was involved. Anyway, I was the one who had to suffer. She lived in the big house, with a part-time job and with a four digit maintenance package, Child and working tax credit, and my Evo8.
It didn't take long for the real reason to become obvious..... She had been cheating on me for years and the whole situation was designed to get me out and for her bloke to take my place.
So when some blokes sound really bitter about these situations, it's basically because the LAW backs a cheat and discriminates/penalises against the innocent party. Because she didn't want me anymore, I lost £125k in assets from the house, had to give half my savings/pensions/isa's and still have to pay £1k a month maintenance. Whilst this is supposed to be for my one remaining under 18 child, it's not. It supports her and her new blokes lifestyle.
Bitter... YES! Twisted.... YES! (That's the knife in my back!)
I would try and get a job abroad if that happened to stop her getting anymore.In my circumstances, I was guilty of working too hard and working away from home to give my family (including all her daughters from a previous marriage) a good lifestyle.
Obviously, that gave her the opportunity to play away and that... was my fault!! I was asked to leave the house, asked to pay maintenance. I was told quite simply that she didn't love me anymore and that nobody else was involved. Well... actually half the village was involved. Anyway, I was the one who had to suffer. She lived in the big house, with a part-time job and with a four digit maintenance package, Child and working tax credit, and my Evo8.
It didn't take long for the real reason to become obvious..... She had been cheating on me for years and the whole situation was designed to get me out and for her bloke to take my place.
So when some blokes sound really bitter about these situations, it's basically because the LAW backs a cheat and discriminates/penalises against the innocent party. Because she didn't want me anymore, I lost £125k in assets from the house, had to give half my savings/pensions/isa's and still have to pay £1k a month maintenance. Whilst this is supposed to be for my one remaining under 18 child, it's not. It supports her and her new blokes lifestyle.
Bitter... YES! Twisted.... YES! (That's the knife in my back!)
Everytime i read something like the above it reminds me of a post where stuttgartmetal absolutely nailed it about 5 years ago...
stuttgartmetal said:
Read it and weep.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life. With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children. In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
Got it?
Too many clues?
Its over.
Move on.
Its over, get on with your new life.
You deserve it.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life. With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children. In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
- A spouse becomes involved with a third party and is subsequently beleaguered by guilt.
- To justify his or her socially and morally unacceptable conduct, he/she first demonizes the mate, rewrites the history of their union in negative terms and then depicts himself as a victim and the mate as a persecutor.
- This partner then moves to punishing the spouse for the alleged unforgivable acts. He/She then seeks approval from others and even his partner for being “forced” to exit the marriage.
- The divorcing couple eventually try to restore balance, whereby a normalized or civil relationship is created. This may or may not be fully achieved. If you have been a participant in this divorce pattern, or know someone who has been, you are fully aware of the emotional turmoil involved.
- The demonizing process produces feelings of pure shock.
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
- The rewriting of history is a major violation of the mate’s reality.
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
- Being punished for creating a partner’s misery is a mind-boggling state.
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
- Realize that all of these five phases serve the leaving partner and have little to do with you.
- Understand that this is your partner’s tragic way of dealing with their guilt.
- Your partner’s lack of any cupability is a clear sign of misdirected adaptation.
- Talk with people who can affirm your view of the marital history, interactions, and your worthy personality.
- Reassure yourself that you are sane and that the reality you are being fed is created for your partner’s self-exoneration.
Got it?
Too many clues?
Its over.
Move on.
Its over, get on with your new life.
You deserve it.
walm said:
Kateg28 said:
What you should be doing is ensuring your children have as much as you can afford...
I don't agree with that but even if I did, the ex-wife isn't the right conduit for ensuring the money reaches the intended recipient is she?However I do wholeheartedly agree about the right conduit issue but I do not know another option. In my case, my ex lives literally the other side of the world so how exactly would he ensure our son was the direct beneficiary? (academic now as said son is 18 and off to Uni in September).
As another poster said, there are no guarantees the ex wife wont use it on manicures and to support her lifestyle and this is makes me furious, especially when they are the cheater. I cannot stomach people who think they have a sense of entitlement and that includes a fair few divorced women.
How do we ensure the children benefit from maintenance?
(Hello Ali, I was starting think I was in a minority as I have tried to act honourably and be a role model to my son even though I was the 'innocent' party and not the cheater)
Kateg28 said:
Why should your children not benefit from as much as you can afford?
However I do wholeheartedly agree about the right conduit issue but I do not know another option. In my case, my ex lives literally the other side of the world so how exactly would he ensure our son was the direct beneficiary?
Did you spend "as much as you can afford" on your kids before the divorce? If not, why change now? Sure you might want to treat them more, given the nightmare of a divorce but spoiling them rotten isn't a good idea IMHO.However I do wholeheartedly agree about the right conduit issue but I do not know another option. In my case, my ex lives literally the other side of the world so how exactly would he ensure our son was the direct beneficiary?
I mean one of them is 7, what is he/she going to do with an extra hundred quid a week or whatever??
I guess if you were on the breadline and without huge sacrifices they were going to be starving or something you MIGHT consider spending that much.
For most people, they need to prioritise between spending on themselves, on the kids and savings etc...
The OP could continue working at the old pace and move into somewhere soul-destroyingly small to save money but he also needs to look after himself, keep himself happy and healthy.
Blowing every penny on your kids is complete madness.
And yes, clearly if your son is on the other side of the world, you might have to send the money via the ex.
But the OP is seeing his kids 3 nights a week!!!
walm said:
Did you spend "as much as you can afford" on your kids before the divorce? If not, why change now? Sure you might want to treat them more, given the nightmare of a divorce but spoiling them rotten isn't a good idea IMHO.
I mean one of them is 7, what is he/she going to do with an extra hundred quid a week or whatever??
I guess if you were on the breadline and without huge sacrifices they were going to be starving or something you MIGHT consider spending that much.
For most people, they need to prioritise between spending on themselves, on the kids and savings etc...
The OP could continue working at the old pace and move into somewhere soul-destroyingly small to save money but he also needs to look after himself, keep himself happy and healthy.
Blowing every penny on your kids is complete madness.
And yes, clearly if your son is on the other side of the world, you might have to send the money via the ex.
But the OP is seeing his kids 3 nights a week!!!
Exactly on the money. I can ensure the kids needs are met directly and I'm offering a reasonable monthly contribution to her household costs. However yesterday on the phone "but my rent needs paying etc etc". She isn't thinking of maintenance as a partial reimnbursement of child related expenses, she sees it as her core income entitlement which she'll use to pay all household bills.I mean one of them is 7, what is he/she going to do with an extra hundred quid a week or whatever??
I guess if you were on the breadline and without huge sacrifices they were going to be starving or something you MIGHT consider spending that much.
For most people, they need to prioritise between spending on themselves, on the kids and savings etc...
The OP could continue working at the old pace and move into somewhere soul-destroyingly small to save money but he also needs to look after himself, keep himself happy and healthy.
Blowing every penny on your kids is complete madness.
And yes, clearly if your son is on the other side of the world, you might have to send the money via the ex.
But the OP is seeing his kids 3 nights a week!!!
It doesn't occur to her she could go down to Sainsburys and work a til for a few hours to make a difference - it all falls down to me.
theboss said:
I'm picking the kids up from school at 3:30 and dropping them back Monday morning. Mum and stepdad are here helping give the house a spring clean, gardening etc.
As I don't have a cooker I'm going to run up the farm shop for some steaks and get the Weber on for tea. Such a shame
Farm shop for steaks?As I don't have a cooker I'm going to run up the farm shop for some steaks and get the Weber on for tea. Such a shame
I thought it was beans on toast twice a week.
It sounds OK this divorce lark.....
Only joking)
theboss said:
I'm picking the kids up from school at 3:30 and dropping them back Monday morning. Mum and stepdad are here helping give the house a spring clean, gardening etc.
As I don't have a cooker I'm going to run up the farm shop for some steaks and get the Weber on for tea. Such a shame
All this 'talk' about whether your salary is 50 grand or 100 grand with dividends for maintenance calculations etc. But you can't just instantly spend £200 at Currys on a basic cooker the day the old one was removed.........?As I don't have a cooker I'm going to run up the farm shop for some steaks and get the Weber on for tea. Such a shame
castroses said:
All this 'talk' about whether your salary is 50 grand or 100 grand with dividends for maintenance calculations etc. But you can't just instantly spend £200 at Currys on a basic cooker the day the old one was removed.........?
Or perhaps he's been busy working / recovering and had other things on his mind than picking up a cooker. I'm pretty sure a cooker would be low on my priority list heaven-forbid I find myself in a similar situation. castroses said:
All this 'talk' about whether your salary is 50 grand or 100 grand with dividends for maintenance calculations etc. But you can't just instantly spend £200 at Currys on a basic cooker the day the old one was removed.........?
And the Curry's sales assistant will pop around and wire it up for you too.OP..... this is the rub! She needs the rent paying!
You see, your not only paying for your kids.... your paying for them to afford to live together with your kids. Your paying for lighting, heating, food, rent, days out....
Why couldn't I find a bloke to subsidise my life... might not have to work so hard then?
You can just imagine it each month....
Ex New Bloke: Has he paid your maintenance yet?
Ex: Yes.... He put in my account this morning....
Ex New Bloke: Oh Great, we can go for a Steak and Bottle of Red down the pub tonight! They've got a cracking 28day matured fillet on the menu! We can get the kids some fish fingers and a squash as well!!!
If you want to leave your Husband/Wife and take up with a new partner, then fine, do it, but DON'T screw the Ex if it's not his/her fault! Stand up and be a responsible adult and pay for it yourself!
You see, your not only paying for your kids.... your paying for them to afford to live together with your kids. Your paying for lighting, heating, food, rent, days out....
Why couldn't I find a bloke to subsidise my life... might not have to work so hard then?
You can just imagine it each month....
Ex New Bloke: Has he paid your maintenance yet?
Ex: Yes.... He put in my account this morning....
Ex New Bloke: Oh Great, we can go for a Steak and Bottle of Red down the pub tonight! They've got a cracking 28day matured fillet on the menu! We can get the kids some fish fingers and a squash as well!!!
If you want to leave your Husband/Wife and take up with a new partner, then fine, do it, but DON'T screw the Ex if it's not his/her fault! Stand up and be a responsible adult and pay for it yourself!
theboss said:
She also gets quite a substantial Disability Living Allowance claim for my autistic daughter... in the past she claimed this without informing me and diverted it to a bank account she opened based on her mother's address. Disability benefit being used as her own personal slush fund to be used to escape the marriage. I found hidden paperwork. So she is quite capable of conniving herself when money is involved.
I've read all of this thread and that is the single most disgusting thing to come out of it. Edited by theboss on Friday 13th May 10:23
Good luck for the future though OP. Hope everything works out for you!
Nezquick said:
theboss said:
She also gets quite a substantial Disability Living Allowance claim for my autistic daughter... in the past she claimed this without informing me and diverted it to a bank account she opened based on her mother's address. Disability benefit being used as her own personal slush fund to be used to escape the marriage. I found hidden paperwork. So she is quite capable of conniving herself when money is involved.
I've read all of this thread and that is the single most disgusting thing to come out of it. Edited by theboss on Friday 13th May 10:23
Good luck for the future though OP. Hope everything works out for you!
OP, you might say to her "I've been looking into things given our new circumstances and to support X the best. Apparently we may be both due some disability benefit to help us both support her. What do you think? Should I apply or should we apply together?
super7 said:
OP..... this is the rub! She needs the rent paying!
You see, your not only paying for your kids.... your paying for them to afford to live together with your kids. Your paying for lighting, heating, food, rent, days out....
Why couldn't I find a bloke to subsidise my life... might not have to work so hard then?
You can just imagine it each month....
Ex New Bloke: Has he paid your maintenance yet?
Ex: Yes.... He put in my account this morning....
Ex New Bloke: Oh Great, we can go for a Steak and Bottle of Red down the pub tonight! They've got a cracking 28day matured fillet on the menu! We can get the kids some fish fingers and a squash as well!!!
If you want to leave your Husband/Wife and take up with a new partner, then fine, do it, but DON'T screw the Ex if it's not his/her fault! Stand up and be a responsible adult and pay for it yourself!
Unfortunately this does seem to be the case in many circumstancesYou see, your not only paying for your kids.... your paying for them to afford to live together with your kids. Your paying for lighting, heating, food, rent, days out....
Why couldn't I find a bloke to subsidise my life... might not have to work so hard then?
You can just imagine it each month....
Ex New Bloke: Has he paid your maintenance yet?
Ex: Yes.... He put in my account this morning....
Ex New Bloke: Oh Great, we can go for a Steak and Bottle of Red down the pub tonight! They've got a cracking 28day matured fillet on the menu! We can get the kids some fish fingers and a squash as well!!!
If you want to leave your Husband/Wife and take up with a new partner, then fine, do it, but DON'T screw the Ex if it's not his/her fault! Stand up and be a responsible adult and pay for it yourself!
I consider myself quite lucky in my relationship with my ex. We agreed a figure for maintenance, which I have since increased a few times as my income has moved. Never a hint of CSA or threats of withholding access etc.
I am happy to pay a reasonable amount to help her support my daughter as well as she is able - considering that the new guy ran out on her and left her with about £40k of debt she does an admirable job
On the flip side, my OH's ex has 6 kids. 12 year old with my OH - he pays about a third per week of what I pay and she constantly has to remind him. This figure wouldn't even stretch to a takeaway a week. My OH moved in with her mum after they split before getting a council flat, doing a degree whilst working full time and being a single mum in order to get herself into a more viable position. He has since had another 5 kids with his second wife, they have recently split and she has confided in my OH that she hasn't had a penny from him. He is also consistently flaky with access
Two sides to every coin gents - there are some evil women out there as well as some useless, clueless fathers. Conversely there are the polar opposites of both sexes.
I won't add much except this: Many years ago I had a friend who was a divorce solicitor. One night, whilst very drunk, he confided that in every divorce he would wait until settlement had almost been agreed, and then thrown the wife more options that she should be going for. That way he kept the process running as long as possible, and charged for every meeting, call, letter, etc. In short, he was a 
.
We don't keep in touch.
If you can reach the majority of agreements amicably without the additional parasite, then do it.
.We don't keep in touch.
If you can reach the majority of agreements amicably without the additional parasite, then do it.
Gassing Station | Speed, Plod & the Law | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff