Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
GreatGranny said:
OP is in a very difficult position but there are posters who don't seem to appreciate this.
Telling him to effectively cut her off when she is the main carer of the kids is irresponsible advice.
At least with him contributing they have a home and as stable life as is possible in this situation.
Yes, but why is he being threatened, physically? When he's doing all the right things... that's the question. Telling him to effectively cut her off when she is the main carer of the kids is irresponsible advice.
At least with him contributing they have a home and as stable life as is possible in this situation.
The photo with the family was glorious though.
Can't help but wonder whether a significant part of why some people have affairs is the illicit nature of it, and the thought that their partners would be devastated if they found out. Seeing their respective partners having a nice BBQ doesn't really gel with that. How dare their partners show that they aren't wrecked by the knowledge of the affair?
it is bizarre that she is carrying on this way, but some women & their emotions defy logic. For them it's irrelevant that they're the architect of their own situation, that they were the ones who had an affair, somehow it's still the bloke's fault and he should be punished or humiliated indefinitely.
Disclaimer: Some blokes are arses too.
Can't help but wonder whether a significant part of why some people have affairs is the illicit nature of it, and the thought that their partners would be devastated if they found out. Seeing their respective partners having a nice BBQ doesn't really gel with that. How dare their partners show that they aren't wrecked by the knowledge of the affair?
it is bizarre that she is carrying on this way, but some women & their emotions defy logic. For them it's irrelevant that they're the architect of their own situation, that they were the ones who had an affair, somehow it's still the bloke's fault and he should be punished or humiliated indefinitely.
Disclaimer: Some blokes are arses too.
Durzel said:
it is bizarre that she is carrying on this way, but some women & their emotions defy logic. For them it's irrelevant that they're the architect of their own situation, that they were the ones who had an affair, somehow it's still the bloke's fault and he should be punished or humiliated indefinitely.
Disclaimer: Some blokes are arses too.
Everyone acts this way to a certain degree, it's a well known psychological trait to reduce cognitive dissonance, which is a fancy way of saying that people hold themselves in a high regard and ignore or filter any information or actions that disprove that opinion.Disclaimer: Some blokes are arses too.
I can only speculate, but I believe he setup the new home for my wife and kids with the intention that she would continue in the mistress role but with the benefit of a very private daytime venue for their meetings and with me firmly out of the way. The wife was besotted and I'm sure she would have settled for this, knowing that it would have portrayed a 'clean' separation to our family/friends. The new home was rented by him and it was a secluded cottage miles even from a public road so there would have been no passing traffic or nosey neighbours. I'm sure in time my wife would have expected him to leave his own wife, but I expect he would have postponed that for as long as possible.
Things went slightly pear-shaped because I managed to get into my wife's phone (about 12 hours before I started this thread) at which point their relationship and all their plans were laid bare. Knowing they had been rumbled, he promptly rushed to his own home, packed a bag and told his wife he was leaving with no expanation. I didn't tell his wife - but I effectively put a gun to his head and made him do so.
A further month then passed before I finally managed to get hold of his wife - she was still utterly distraught and bewildered by the situation and was shocked when I revealed the timelines of their affair - she figured he'd had a bizarre sudden mid-life crisis and ran off with a younger woman but had no idea about the double life he had been leading.
With facts laid bare, his own kids then rejected his contact and still have very little to do with him now. The was another humiliating blow I inflicted which I'm not sure if I mentioned - I found a grubby 'self portrait' on my wife's laptop before she left with a date co-inciding to the early stage of their relationship. I passed this to his wife who confirmed it was 'his' because I wanted to try and help prove the timelines concerned. The next thing I heard, practically everyone in their street and seen and laughed at the image, and his teenage daughters were disgusted to learn that their father had been 'sexting' his plaything from the family bathroom.
That marked the commencement of the fighting which has been documented in this thread, with his wife and I socialising and also colluding on legal and financial matters, effectively conspiring to put them under as much pressure as possible. They accuse us of being angry, bitter and malicious and he ultimately bears a huge grudge against me because I exposed him for what he is. He is also a total fantasist / Walter Mitty type who boasts of all sorts of dodgy dealings and underworld connections, hence him resorting to silly threats about ordering me a beating by his associates.
Hope that clears things up a bit.
Things went slightly pear-shaped because I managed to get into my wife's phone (about 12 hours before I started this thread) at which point their relationship and all their plans were laid bare. Knowing they had been rumbled, he promptly rushed to his own home, packed a bag and told his wife he was leaving with no expanation. I didn't tell his wife - but I effectively put a gun to his head and made him do so.
A further month then passed before I finally managed to get hold of his wife - she was still utterly distraught and bewildered by the situation and was shocked when I revealed the timelines of their affair - she figured he'd had a bizarre sudden mid-life crisis and ran off with a younger woman but had no idea about the double life he had been leading.
With facts laid bare, his own kids then rejected his contact and still have very little to do with him now. The was another humiliating blow I inflicted which I'm not sure if I mentioned - I found a grubby 'self portrait' on my wife's laptop before she left with a date co-inciding to the early stage of their relationship. I passed this to his wife who confirmed it was 'his' because I wanted to try and help prove the timelines concerned. The next thing I heard, practically everyone in their street and seen and laughed at the image, and his teenage daughters were disgusted to learn that their father had been 'sexting' his plaything from the family bathroom.
That marked the commencement of the fighting which has been documented in this thread, with his wife and I socialising and also colluding on legal and financial matters, effectively conspiring to put them under as much pressure as possible. They accuse us of being angry, bitter and malicious and he ultimately bears a huge grudge against me because I exposed him for what he is. He is also a total fantasist / Walter Mitty type who boasts of all sorts of dodgy dealings and underworld connections, hence him resorting to silly threats about ordering me a beating by his associates.
Hope that clears things up a bit.
Edited by theboss on Thursday 4th May 13:08
That is a very sobering read. Fascinating but also heart-rending to read really, given that you're talking about your (ex)wife in such candid terms about a relationship she was having with another man, etc. I guess you can talk about it now that some time has passed, but can't imagine your feelings when you were finding out about the extent of it all.
Byker28i said:
No mention of him dominating his hallway/driveway though? 
That one is lost on me I'm afraid!Durzel - I am sufficiently emotionally detached that I can laugh about it all. If nothing else I hope this thread can be of some reassurance to others who may find themselves in the same sort of mess and prove that with sufficient time, everything really does resolve and life does move on. I say that even when I still have a lot of s
t to deal with - because despite this, the future really does seems bright.In contrast, nearly a year ago from now I remember just sitting one evening in the garden of my home in silence, the kids bikes and toys wherever they had left them, watching the swallows flying around overhead, with a drink in my hand and wondering how the hell she could smash our family's existence to pieces. I can't really express in words, the despair I felt at that time. Now I quite like having the place to myself.
Edited by theboss on Thursday 4th May 14:50
Difficult situation
You kind of have to keep supporting her with house and car as you're supporting the children. I don't think anyone who has read your posts properly can disagree with the fact you are not just giving your ex-wife an easy life.
However, by continuing to do this, you are not breaking away and are exposing yourself to future issues - especially if she is conspiring with this idiot new fella.
May be best to make the break now, go into a proper and final breakup and make her support herself.
You kind of have to keep supporting her with house and car as you're supporting the children. I don't think anyone who has read your posts properly can disagree with the fact you are not just giving your ex-wife an easy life.
However, by continuing to do this, you are not breaking away and are exposing yourself to future issues - especially if she is conspiring with this idiot new fella.
May be best to make the break now, go into a proper and final breakup and make her support herself.
Muzzer79 said:
Difficult situation
You kind of have to keep supporting her with house and car as you're supporting the children. I don't think anyone who has read your posts properly can disagree with the fact you are not just giving your ex-wife an easy life.
Thankyou, if anyone thinks I am bending over meeklyand caving in to her every demand, they are mistaken. I admit I took pity when she turned up on my doorstep and had nowhere to go after he threw her out. Kicking her to the gutter in that situation, after having built a life and family together, would have been far easier said than done. What I've tried to do is help her onto her own two feet thinking of the best outcome for her and the kids collectively on the basis that her and the kids' interests are inextricably linked. If it weren't for the existence of our kids I wouldn't have looked her in the face nor uttered a word to her - just closed the door - in fact I'd probably have just taken a contract overseas and fYou kind of have to keep supporting her with house and car as you're supporting the children. I don't think anyone who has read your posts properly can disagree with the fact you are not just giving your ex-wife an easy life.
ked off.Have you reported the threats of violence? If they've only come via your Mrs surely she should be interviewed by the Police and a statement taken. Does the other blokes wife also know about the threats? If she does then there's two bits of evidence against him. I'm sure the bloke will love a visit from the Police, he might even get arrested and possibly charged. Having that on his record will do him the world of harm.
I haven't done anything yet about the threat, other than consult my solicitor who referred the matter to colleagues who deal with criminal law and also a specialist in electronic media / communications.
Essentially they concur that it would be a good idea to report the matter to the police if I believe the threats are serious, but in doing so I open a can of worms by implicating myself for having gained access to private correspondence. Its uncertain but knowing how the police work I suspect he'd get a mild warning regarding the threat, and I'd get arrested for looking at her phone. There are a number of factors which complicate the matter e.g. technically I could produce invoices and argue that I own the phone. If I'm honest, I don't really want to go there. Its useful just to know where I stand.
I have also talked with the other guy's wife and again, she assures me he's a total fantasist (a proper Walter Mitty, in her own words).
I also don't want to rock the boat right now. Wife is having job interviews and seems to be on the right path in terms of seeking employment. Ultimately I want her standing on her own two feet and she knows that as she starts earning, the support I currently provide will be withdrawn gradually, especially as I may be required to have care of the children more often.
I have become good mates with my locksmith so he's going to re-key my locks at mate's rates the moment I feel that is necessary. Not a lot of work involved.
On a less positive note, my stepson who is about to turn 17 has well and truly gone off the rails despite my careful guidance. He is currently living between his mother's and her parents' houses. He is hell bent on quitting college, has become idle, entitled and frankly obnoxious - I'd laid down my terms by which he can stay with me (which involves showing basic respect for me, his bedroom, and basically mucking in a little bit) and so far he has stayed away. He seems very angry and I don't doubt that the last year has really taken its toll. The wife has sought referrals to various agencies via his college's safeguarding team - I hope he can get some professional help.
Essentially they concur that it would be a good idea to report the matter to the police if I believe the threats are serious, but in doing so I open a can of worms by implicating myself for having gained access to private correspondence. Its uncertain but knowing how the police work I suspect he'd get a mild warning regarding the threat, and I'd get arrested for looking at her phone. There are a number of factors which complicate the matter e.g. technically I could produce invoices and argue that I own the phone. If I'm honest, I don't really want to go there. Its useful just to know where I stand.
I have also talked with the other guy's wife and again, she assures me he's a total fantasist (a proper Walter Mitty, in her own words).
I also don't want to rock the boat right now. Wife is having job interviews and seems to be on the right path in terms of seeking employment. Ultimately I want her standing on her own two feet and she knows that as she starts earning, the support I currently provide will be withdrawn gradually, especially as I may be required to have care of the children more often.
I have become good mates with my locksmith so he's going to re-key my locks at mate's rates the moment I feel that is necessary. Not a lot of work involved.
On a less positive note, my stepson who is about to turn 17 has well and truly gone off the rails despite my careful guidance. He is currently living between his mother's and her parents' houses. He is hell bent on quitting college, has become idle, entitled and frankly obnoxious - I'd laid down my terms by which he can stay with me (which involves showing basic respect for me, his bedroom, and basically mucking in a little bit) and so far he has stayed away. He seems very angry and I don't doubt that the last year has really taken its toll. The wife has sought referrals to various agencies via his college's safeguarding team - I hope he can get some professional help.
He still lives alone in the house they moved into together... last I heard his eldest daughter had reconciled and gone to stay with him. He won't want his daughter getting wind of my ex being on the scene, none of his kids like her for fairly obvious reasons.
I have read back early sections of the thread and it's very painful to me, it brings back the extent of the emotional turmoil. It's easy to forget just how bad the experience was exactly a year ago. It's funny how in the process of moving on, you do just mentally block out the memories and the past emotions.
I have read back early sections of the thread and it's very painful to me, it brings back the extent of the emotional turmoil. It's easy to forget just how bad the experience was exactly a year ago. It's funny how in the process of moving on, you do just mentally block out the memories and the past emotions.
theboss said:
He still lives alone in the house they moved into together... last I heard his eldest daughter had reconciled and gone to stay with him. He won't want his daughter getting wind of my ex being on the scene, none of his kids like her for fairly obvious reasons.
I have read back early sections of the thread and it's very painful to me, it brings back the extent of the emotional turmoil. It's easy to forget just how bad the experience was exactly a year ago. It's funny how in the process of moving on, you do just mentally block out the memories and the past emotions.
Do you think that the other guy was trying to leave his wife and used the circumstances to his advantage. It just seems as though financialy he used your wife to get a new company registered and move all the money over. Was it case of anyone else or did have to be your wife?I have read back early sections of the thread and it's very painful to me, it brings back the extent of the emotional turmoil. It's easy to forget just how bad the experience was exactly a year ago. It's funny how in the process of moving on, you do just mentally block out the memories and the past emotions.
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