Who'd be a driving instructor?.....
Discussion
Many of you will have heard this Bob Newhart sketch before, but for those who haven't, you'll enjoy it...
Picture a male driving instructor sitting next to a female learner driver; It's a monologue...
"How do you do? Uh, you're Mrs. Webb, is that right? Oh, I see you've had one lesson already... who was the instructor on that Mrs. Webb? Mr. Adams. I'm sorry, here it is... Mr. Adams. Just let me read ahead and kind of familiarize myself with the case. Er... how fast were you going when Mr. Adams jumped from the car? Sev..., Seventy-five. And, and where was that? In your driveway.
How far had Mr. Adams gotten in the lesson? Backing out. I see, you were backing out at seventy-five and that's, that's when he jumped.
Did he cover starting the car?... and the other way of stopping? What's the other way of stopping?... throwing it in reverse... that's... that would do it, you're right, that would do it...
Ummm, alright you want to start the car? Uh, Mrs. Webb you just turned on the lights, you want to start the car? They all look alike, don't they? No, I don't know why they design them that way... uh, alright let's pull out into traffic... now what's the first thing we're going to do before we pull out into traffic? What did Mr. Adams do before he let you pull out into traffic? Well, I mean besides praying... no, what I had in mind was checking the rear view mirror... you see we always want to check the rear... DON'T PULL OUT !!!
Uh, please don't cry... I'm sorry... but there was this bus, Mrs. Webb.
Oh, alright, the lane is clear is now, you want to pull out? Oh, now that wasn't bad at all, you might try it a little slower next time.
Alright, let's get up a bit more speed and gradually ease it into second... well, I didn't want to cover reverse this early... but as long as you have shifted into it... of course you're nervous... I'm nervous. I'm not just saying that, I'm really, I'm really very nervous.
Well, just don't pay any attention to their honking. You're doing fine. You're not blocking anyone's lane. No, as long as you are here on the safety island, you are not blocking anyone's lane.
Oh, alright you want to start the car? Oh, while you are turning the lights off, why don't you turn off the heater? Alright, there we are... let's get up a bit of speed... that's the way... now let's practice some turns. Um, the important thing on turns is not to make them too sharp, just kind of make a gradual... now that was fine. That was a wonderful turn. It's hard for me to believe you only had two lessons after you make a turn like... are you sure you haven't had more now? I find that very difficult to believe... one little thing... this is a one way street... well, no, no, actually it was partially my fault, you see, but, uh, you were in the left hand lane and you were signaling left, and I just more or less assumed you were going to turn left.
SAME TO YOU, FELLA!!!
No, no, I don't know what he said Mrs. Webb... um, alright let's pull into the alley up there, uh, and practice a little alley driving. This is uh, this is something a lot of the schools leave out and we think it is pretty... YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST MRS. WEBB!!! You were up around sixty and that's kind of a sharp turn there.
Alright, just drive down the alley, that's the way... oh, Mrs. Webb, maybe we better stop here... well, I don't think you are going to make it between the truck and the building. Mrs. Webb? Mrs. Webb... I... Mrs. Webb, I, I ... I don't think you are going... MRS. WEBB?..... I real... I... I really didn't think you were going to MAKE IT....
That just shows we can be wrong too. No, no, I'll get out on your side... that's alright.
Oh, Mrs. Webb, uh, maybe it might be a good idea if we went over to the driving area. They have a student driver area over a few blocks away and maybe traffic throws you... maybe that's the problem. Well, turn here on the street. Right. And it's only about a block up. Alright, turn right here... Well, now that was my fault again... you see, I meant the next street. Not this man's lawn.
Oh, sir, sir... sir, would you mind turning off the sprinkler? For just a... newly seeded? Is that right? That's always the way, isn't it? (Laugh) I don't suppose it is so funny!
Oh, alright Mrs. Webb, you want to back out and get off the man's... creeping bent, is that right... yea, just back out, Mrs. Webb. Thank you very much, sir for... oh, now we've hit someone Mrs. Webb. Oh, remember you're going to watch the rear view mirror, remember we covered that... the red light blinded you? The flashing red light blinded you? The flashing red light on the car you hit blinded you?...
Yes, officer, she was just telling me about it, um, alright, alright, um, Mrs. Webb, I am going to have to go with the officer to the police station, um, they don't believe it and they'd like... they'd like me to describe it... and now the other officer is going to get into the car and he is going to drive you back to the driving school and then you are to meet us at the police station.
Um, my name is Frank Dexter, Mrs Webbb... why do you ask? You want to be sure and get me next time???
Street
Picture a male driving instructor sitting next to a female learner driver; It's a monologue...
"How do you do? Uh, you're Mrs. Webb, is that right? Oh, I see you've had one lesson already... who was the instructor on that Mrs. Webb? Mr. Adams. I'm sorry, here it is... Mr. Adams. Just let me read ahead and kind of familiarize myself with the case. Er... how fast were you going when Mr. Adams jumped from the car? Sev..., Seventy-five. And, and where was that? In your driveway.
How far had Mr. Adams gotten in the lesson? Backing out. I see, you were backing out at seventy-five and that's, that's when he jumped.
Did he cover starting the car?... and the other way of stopping? What's the other way of stopping?... throwing it in reverse... that's... that would do it, you're right, that would do it...
Ummm, alright you want to start the car? Uh, Mrs. Webb you just turned on the lights, you want to start the car? They all look alike, don't they? No, I don't know why they design them that way... uh, alright let's pull out into traffic... now what's the first thing we're going to do before we pull out into traffic? What did Mr. Adams do before he let you pull out into traffic? Well, I mean besides praying... no, what I had in mind was checking the rear view mirror... you see we always want to check the rear... DON'T PULL OUT !!!
Uh, please don't cry... I'm sorry... but there was this bus, Mrs. Webb.
Oh, alright, the lane is clear is now, you want to pull out? Oh, now that wasn't bad at all, you might try it a little slower next time.
Alright, let's get up a bit more speed and gradually ease it into second... well, I didn't want to cover reverse this early... but as long as you have shifted into it... of course you're nervous... I'm nervous. I'm not just saying that, I'm really, I'm really very nervous.
Well, just don't pay any attention to their honking. You're doing fine. You're not blocking anyone's lane. No, as long as you are here on the safety island, you are not blocking anyone's lane.
Oh, alright you want to start the car? Oh, while you are turning the lights off, why don't you turn off the heater? Alright, there we are... let's get up a bit of speed... that's the way... now let's practice some turns. Um, the important thing on turns is not to make them too sharp, just kind of make a gradual... now that was fine. That was a wonderful turn. It's hard for me to believe you only had two lessons after you make a turn like... are you sure you haven't had more now? I find that very difficult to believe... one little thing... this is a one way street... well, no, no, actually it was partially my fault, you see, but, uh, you were in the left hand lane and you were signaling left, and I just more or less assumed you were going to turn left.
SAME TO YOU, FELLA!!!
No, no, I don't know what he said Mrs. Webb... um, alright let's pull into the alley up there, uh, and practice a little alley driving. This is uh, this is something a lot of the schools leave out and we think it is pretty... YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST MRS. WEBB!!! You were up around sixty and that's kind of a sharp turn there.
Alright, just drive down the alley, that's the way... oh, Mrs. Webb, maybe we better stop here... well, I don't think you are going to make it between the truck and the building. Mrs. Webb? Mrs. Webb... I... Mrs. Webb, I, I ... I don't think you are going... MRS. WEBB?..... I real... I... I really didn't think you were going to MAKE IT....
That just shows we can be wrong too. No, no, I'll get out on your side... that's alright.
Oh, Mrs. Webb, uh, maybe it might be a good idea if we went over to the driving area. They have a student driver area over a few blocks away and maybe traffic throws you... maybe that's the problem. Well, turn here on the street. Right. And it's only about a block up. Alright, turn right here... Well, now that was my fault again... you see, I meant the next street. Not this man's lawn.
Oh, sir, sir... sir, would you mind turning off the sprinkler? For just a... newly seeded? Is that right? That's always the way, isn't it? (Laugh) I don't suppose it is so funny!
Oh, alright Mrs. Webb, you want to back out and get off the man's... creeping bent, is that right... yea, just back out, Mrs. Webb. Thank you very much, sir for... oh, now we've hit someone Mrs. Webb. Oh, remember you're going to watch the rear view mirror, remember we covered that... the red light blinded you? The flashing red light blinded you? The flashing red light on the car you hit blinded you?...
Yes, officer, she was just telling me about it, um, alright, alright, um, Mrs. Webb, I am going to have to go with the officer to the police station, um, they don't believe it and they'd like... they'd like me to describe it... and now the other officer is going to get into the car and he is going to drive you back to the driving school and then you are to meet us at the police station.
Um, my name is Frank Dexter, Mrs Webbb... why do you ask? You want to be sure and get me next time???
Street
Quinny said:
Heard this sketch the other day, Bob Newart is a genious, have you heard the submarine sketch? also very funny, and the cheap airline sketch is hilarious.
Just shows you can be funny without all the efin and blinding as well
I've hear the submarine one, but not the airline sketch.... Superb comedy....glad you like it..
Street
Quinny said:
The economy airline one is very funny, he talks about how they can offer cheap flights because they've economised in other areas, such as instrumentation, radar, etc, the sketch ends with him asking the passengers "has anyone been to Hawai before? kinda kidney shaped isn't it"?
Andy.
Yep..I have heard it before now...
Quinny said:
Heard this sketch the other day, Bob Newart is a genious, have you heard the submarine sketch? also very funny, and the cheap airline sketch is hilarious.
I have just unearthed an old LP of Bob Newhart stuff and it includes the following sketches:
The Driving Instructor.
Introducing Tobacco To Civilisation.
The Grace L Ferguson Air Line.
The Cruise Of The USS CODFISH.
The Retirement Party.
Returning A Gift.
Ledge Psychology.
Another one of his I heard ages ago was The Bomb on the Beach. I thought that one was brilliant.
Quinny said:
Just shows you can be funny without all the efin and blinding as well
Yes indeed. What a pity we seem unable to manage without it now.
Best wishes all,
Dave.
Quinny said:
The economy airline one is very funny, he talks about how they can offer cheap flights because they've economised in other areas, such as instrumentation, radar, etc, the sketch ends with him asking the passengers "has anyone been to Hawai before? kinda kidney shaped isn't it"?
Andy.
P.S. I was thinking about planes the other day, and how safe flying is etc, when I thought hang on a minute,
a plane is made up of thousands of individual parts, many of them critical
all suplied by the lowest tender
And if you knew the wages some of these budget budget airlines paid their flight deck crew, esp in USA, you'd be even more worried...
Quinny said:
Hi Dave,
Sounds like this is the CD that a collegue brought into work the other day, the Tobacco sketch had me in tears
I'll look out for that CD myself then Andy, but I'd also like to find 'The Bomb on the Beach' if anyone knows if that's available on CD.
Best wishes all,
Dave.
Gassing Station | Speed, Plod & the Law | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff