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A man walks into the bar - he sits down and orders a drink. Ted gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.
"You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic.... and that aftershave is just wonderfull!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries toignore it.
Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.
"You W * NKER......Oh my god you STINK..........Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your' mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to Ted for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," Ted responds, "The peanuts are
complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
bada boom tish
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.
"You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic.... and that aftershave is just wonderfull!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries toignore it.
Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.
"You W * NKER......Oh my god you STINK..........Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your' mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to Ted for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," Ted responds, "The peanuts are
complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
bada boom tish
Yoo late Shady....
^^^^
>> Edited by Mrs Fish on Thursday 2nd December 14:37
Racylady said:
A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."
^^^^ >> Edited by Mrs Fish on Thursday 2nd December 14:37
Mrs Fish said:
Yoo late Shady....
[quote=Racylady]A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."
^^^^ bother
been scouring my email for ages looking for that one. 
sorryThis guy walks into the bar and sits down in front of Ted. He orders a drink. While waiting for the drink, he reaches into one pocket and pulls out a 7 inch
piano. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes up to the piano and promptly starts playing. Beautiful music fills the bar.
Ted goes up to the guy and asks where he got the musician. The guy replied that there was a genie just down the block who would grant just one wish.
Ted went outside and down the block. There was a huge crowd around the genie. The bartender waited a really longtime. Finally, it was his turn. The genie
greeted him, "Hello, I am a genie and I will grant you one wish."
Ted said, "I want a million bucks." All of a sudden, there were a million ducks! They were quacking and following Ted. Ted tried to
scatter the ducks, but they all came right back.
Ted went back to the bar, went up the the guy with the miniture piano player, and said, "What a lousy genie. I asked for a million bucks and got a million
ducks!"
The guy at the bar looked at Ted and said, "You don't really believe that I asked for a 10 inch *pianist*, do you?!"
Bada bada bada booom tish
Ok who's posted that one already
piano. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes up to the piano and promptly starts playing. Beautiful music fills the bar.
Ted goes up to the guy and asks where he got the musician. The guy replied that there was a genie just down the block who would grant just one wish.
Ted went outside and down the block. There was a huge crowd around the genie. The bartender waited a really longtime. Finally, it was his turn. The genie
greeted him, "Hello, I am a genie and I will grant you one wish."
Ted said, "I want a million bucks." All of a sudden, there were a million ducks! They were quacking and following Ted. Ted tried to
scatter the ducks, but they all came right back.
Ted went back to the bar, went up the the guy with the miniture piano player, and said, "What a lousy genie. I asked for a million bucks and got a million
ducks!"
The guy at the bar looked at Ted and said, "You don't really believe that I asked for a 10 inch *pianist*, do you?!"
Bada bada bada booom tish
Ok who's posted that one already
Speaking of ducks:
A duck walks into a pub and asks for a pie and a pint.
'You're new around here' says the barman.
'Aye', says the duck, 'I'm working as a plasterer on the building site next door'.
'Good money?'
'With overtime, about £500.00 a week' says the duck, and goes to sit down for his lunch.
In comes another new face and orders a pint.
'Another new face!' says the barman.
'Yes I'm with the circus that's in town' says the man.
'You should introduce yourself to the talking duck' says the barman - 'you could get some cash from him'.
The man walks over ' Hi - I'm from the circus - could I offer you a job - I'll guarantee to double your wages'.
'The circus? says the duck, 'You mean travel all over in a caravan and do your stuff in a big tent?'
'Dead right'.
'Why the f**k do you want a plasterer then ?'
A duck walks into a pub and asks for a pie and a pint.
'You're new around here' says the barman.
'Aye', says the duck, 'I'm working as a plasterer on the building site next door'.
'Good money?'
'With overtime, about £500.00 a week' says the duck, and goes to sit down for his lunch.
In comes another new face and orders a pint.
'Another new face!' says the barman.
'Yes I'm with the circus that's in town' says the man.
'You should introduce yourself to the talking duck' says the barman - 'you could get some cash from him'.
The man walks over ' Hi - I'm from the circus - could I offer you a job - I'll guarantee to double your wages'.
'The circus? says the duck, 'You mean travel all over in a caravan and do your stuff in a big tent?'
'Dead right'.
'Why the f**k do you want a plasterer then ?'
Anyone fancy a lock in at this pub when we're done here?
WARNING: Do not click on this link if you find offensive language err offensive
http://tinyurl.com/9u3c
WARNING: Do not click on this link if you find offensive language err offensive
http://tinyurl.com/9u3c
A man is out walking his dog when he comes across the Pie and Piston pub. 
Suddenly, he really fancies a pint.
Unfortunately, there is a sign outside saying 'No animals'.
"Sod it" he thinks, but then he has an idea 
He walks into the bar. Ted immediately says, "Sorry Sir, no dogs allowed." Bluffing his way outrageously and being in desperate need of a pint, the man said "I'm blind,.. its my Guide Dog".
Ted looks doubtful and says, "But guide dogs are Labradors or golden retrievers." The dog owner puts on a look of astonishment 
and starts feeling around for the dog and says "Why? What have they given me?"
Suddenly, he really fancies a pint. Unfortunately, there is a sign outside saying 'No animals'. "Sod it" he thinks, but then he has an idea He walks into the bar. Ted immediately says, "Sorry Sir, no dogs allowed." Bluffing his way outrageously and being in desperate need of a pint, the man said "I'm blind,.. its my Guide Dog".
Ted looks doubtful and says, "But guide dogs are Labradors or golden retrievers." The dog owner puts on a look of astonishment and starts feeling around for the dog and says "Why? What have they given me?" jonnie5 said:
Anyone fancy a lock in at this pub when we're done here?
WARNING: Do not click on this link if you find offensive language err offensive
http://tinyurl.com/9u3c
I like the link to the Steinway site!
A guy walks into a pub and orders nine double whiskeys.
As fast as the barman can pour them, the guy picks each one up and downs it in one. Once they've all been drunk, the guy pays up and is about to leave. Of course the barman is curious.
"Sir, can I ask you why the nine double whiskeys?"
"Yesh of coursh.. I'm celebrating!"
"Celebrating?"
"Yesh, my firsht blo* job"
"Congratulations sir, perhaps I can give you the tenth on the house then?"
"No thanksh, if those last nine didn't wash the taste away, nothing will.."
<I'll get me coat>
As fast as the barman can pour them, the guy picks each one up and downs it in one. Once they've all been drunk, the guy pays up and is about to leave. Of course the barman is curious.
"Sir, can I ask you why the nine double whiskeys?"
"Yesh of coursh.. I'm celebrating!"
"Celebrating?"
"Yesh, my firsht blo* job"
"Congratulations sir, perhaps I can give you the tenth on the house then?"
"No thanksh, if those last nine didn't wash the taste away, nothing will.."
<I'll get me coat>
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in
Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears
in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in
Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears
in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman: "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says: "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back: "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
The barman says: "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back: "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
A man walks into a bar, fancying a pint and bite to eat. Behind the bar is a sign saying:
Cheese Sandwich: £2.20
Ham sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £5.00
Looking a little confused, the man looks around for a member of staff. Suddenly, an attractive young lady appears behind the bar.
"What can i get you?" she says.
"Ummm...well..." the man stutters, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs for a fiver?" he whispers.
The young lady winks at him. "Yes sir" she replies.
The man leans over the bar. "Well go wash yer bl00dy hands and make me a cheese sandwich then!"
Is that my taxi...
Cheese Sandwich: £2.20
Ham sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £5.00
Looking a little confused, the man looks around for a member of staff. Suddenly, an attractive young lady appears behind the bar.
"What can i get you?" she says.
"Ummm...well..." the man stutters, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs for a fiver?" he whispers.
The young lady winks at him. "Yes sir" she replies.
The man leans over the bar. "Well go wash yer bl00dy hands and make me a cheese sandwich then!"
Is that my taxi...
A young bloke walks into the P&P, sits down at the bar, and orders a double whicky, which Ted serves him. The young chap necks it, and immediately orders another. At the fifth one, Ted asks:
'Excuse me, fellow, but why all the whiskies?'
Fella replies 'I've just experienced ny first blowjob'
Ted smiles: 'Congratulations! Let me get you another whisky, on the house'
Young chap replies: 'Thanks, Ted, but no. If five doubles don't take the taste away, nothing will'
'Excuse me, fellow, but why all the whiskies?'
Fella replies 'I've just experienced ny first blowjob'
Ted smiles: 'Congratulations! Let me get you another whisky, on the house'
Young chap replies: 'Thanks, Ted, but no. If five doubles don't take the taste away, nothing will'
Bloke comes into the pub - "15 pints of Guiness please barman."
Ted lines 'em up, bloke rapidly drinks his way down the line, and falls unconscious on the floor just before closing time.
"Bollox", says Ted, "Another customer zombied." Raising his voice, "Will someone here please take this gentleman home so I can clear up?"
The pub gay volunteers for the task and aids said zombie out of the bar.
Next day the bloke is back, "15 diet cokes please barman."
Ted chuckles, "Off the Guiness onto non-alcoholic drinks now then? Sore head this morning?"
"No the head was fine, but that Guiness gave me such a sore arse..."
arf Look I know it's a really old one, but they all are!!
Ted lines 'em up, bloke rapidly drinks his way down the line, and falls unconscious on the floor just before closing time.
"Bollox", says Ted, "Another customer zombied." Raising his voice, "Will someone here please take this gentleman home so I can clear up?"
The pub gay volunteers for the task and aids said zombie out of the bar.
Next day the bloke is back, "15 diet cokes please barman."
Ted chuckles, "Off the Guiness onto non-alcoholic drinks now then? Sore head this morning?"
"No the head was fine, but that Guiness gave me such a sore arse..."
arf Look I know it's a really old one, but they all are!!
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