The "Not the 9 o'clock News" thread
Discussion
ClaphamGT3 said:
andywaterfall said:
Can't get youtube on my blackberry but I presume this is the "Its the Aunt WITH WHOM I live" sketch?
BuzzLightyear said:
Aaaahhh! So many happy memories.
Remember "too much swearing - people don't even realise they're doing it, yank on it!"
"There you are, there you are. That is just another example of bad language, and - above all - endless references to parts of the body that are becoming by their ceaseless repetition knob in the media, part and parcel and....and....pubes of everyday conversation"
"So what you are saying is that this tickle-my-nuts language is now in common use?"
"In a thigh? Yes"
"Now, Mr Vison, if I may turn over I like it better that way to you"
"Well. I just can't see what proof the Rev. Bartholomew has with his strange breast-fondling theory....."
"Well, you just have to listen! You just have to listen, Dr Stifled Moan Vison! Do you realise that in the middle of that sentence you said, "Breast fondling large nipple"?"
"I DID NOT!!"
"YES, YANK ON IT YOU DID!!! People are swearing and uttering obscenities, take me take me, without even knowing it"
"OH! Ohhhoho! Oh huge melons! That's hardly surprising coming as it is from a vicar of the soft underbelly just above the private equipment ministry of the church!"
"I beg your pardon wag! Now, let's be bull's pizzle frank about this......"
"Sorry, that's all the lipstick around the nipple we have for tonight......"
After that exertion, I'm off to admire my Rampant Mackerel Ashtray (diligently fashioned in blue onyx, dontcha know.....)
"Well.. if you drive like that on a public highway you deserve to be called a raving MANIAC!! 25 years I've been in the police force and I've never seen anyone drive quite like that."
"That was fine. Just one small thing. If you could emphasis the road saftey aspect, slighty more than you were there, in your own words. If you could emphasis that the tyres are more about safety then danger. If you remember your script "I am convinced.."
"I am convinced.."
"I am convinced that this is a major..."
"yes, that this is a major contribution to road safety..on your spot there..."
Sir Robert Marks tyre commercial spoof
"That was fine. Just one small thing. If you could emphasis the road saftey aspect, slighty more than you were there, in your own words. If you could emphasis that the tyres are more about safety then danger. If you remember your script "I am convinced.."
"I am convinced.."
"I am convinced that this is a major..."
"yes, that this is a major contribution to road safety..on your spot there..."
Sir Robert Marks tyre commercial spoof
Edited by smash on Wednesday 3rd August 23:34
SeeFive said:
And in showbusiness news, we have to announce the tragic news that Bernard Manning, the popular comedian who was told in January to lose five stones or die, has today, sadly, lost five stones.
Oh yes - Pamela Stephenson's Jan Leeming impression.Also; "I am an artist of the mime - my body is my tool"
The Hypno-Toad said:
jet_noise said:
american express? very mildly NSFW.
Isn't it funny, I always remember them being bigger than that. 
The best sketch I can remember (but cannot find anywhere) was set in a pub/bar. Bloke with posh wife picks up his pint glass and the coaster is stuck to the bottom of it. Cue the missus “how embarrassing” comments. She then picks up her dainty champagne glass and brings the whole table with it
ClaphamGT3 said:
"Would I be right in thinking that Mr Cdogo is a coloured gentleman?"
"Can't say I've ever noticed, Sir."I loved NTNOCN. Had the book (now lost) and the Hedgehog Sandwich album (still got).
One of my favourites, or at least one that has stuck in the mind, was the punk at the urinal.
Cock Womble 7 said:
ClaphamGT3 said:
"Would I be right in thinking that Mr Cdogo is a coloured gentleman?"
"Can't say I've ever noticed, Sir."I loved NTNOCN. Had the book (now lost) and the Hedgehog Sandwich album (still got).
One of my favourites, or at least one that has stuck in the mind, was the punk at the urinal.
Cock Womble 7 said:
"Can't say I've ever noticed, Sir."
I loved NTNOCN. Had the book (now lost) and the Hedgehog Sandwich album (still got).
One of my favourites, or at least one that has stuck in the mind, was the punk at the urinal.
I thought of that one but in my mind, I started to wonder if that was Kenny Everett's Sid Snot, instead or did they both do something similar??? Shirley not! I loved NTNOCN. Had the book (now lost) and the Hedgehog Sandwich album (still got).
One of my favourites, or at least one that has stuck in the mind, was the punk at the urinal.
BuzzLightyear said:
Cock Womble 7 said:
"Can't say I've ever noticed, Sir."
I loved NTNOCN. Had the book (now lost) and the Hedgehog Sandwich album (still got).
One of my favourites, or at least one that has stuck in the mind, was the punk at the urinal.
I thought of that one but in my mind, I started to wonder if that was Kenny Everett's Sid Snot, instead or did they both do something similar??? Shirley not! I loved NTNOCN. Had the book (now lost) and the Hedgehog Sandwich album (still got).
One of my favourites, or at least one that has stuck in the mind, was the punk at the urinal.
I'm sure it wasn't a Kenny "Sid Snot" Everett sketch.
BuzzLightyear said:
NTNOCN is obviously well remembered and loved but how do some of you guys - Kiteless and Smash for example - have the entire sketch scripts to hand? Do you remember them or have books, records etc? I recall some lines or a couple of verses but you have the whole sketch! How?
Dunno, really. I've still got the Hedgehog Sandwich LP somewhere, but there are still some sketches that I remember almost verbatim 
The "obscenities" one (still can't remember the name of the sketch) is one, as is Constable Savage. The Hi-Fi shop as well.I do love "the gift shop" sketch (or whatever it's called); the one I alluded to earlier with the "Rampant Mackerel Ashtray"
Diligently fashioned in blue onyx, sitting atop a glistening rock pool which contains one perfect matchbox. How much is it? '£12.99'.
He buys it, then - in reverence - says:
To think. At last. It is mine............
Then smashes it into the floor
I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I DETEST ITS CHEAP NASTINESS. IT'S THE MOST NAUSEOUS, NAUSEOUS OFFAL. IT....I....THINK I'M GOING TO PUKE ON IT! BLEUURRRGH! BLEUURRGH....................there was another item I was interested in
"I did not slurp my orange juice!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd90m3xKfl8&fea...
Can't find it, but I also remember a sketch with Mel playing a trendy vicar inviting all to join his congregation, even devil worshipers. Pamela and Griff played the very timid occultists.
Intervier/Rowan: "so you actually believe running around in groups, naked on hill tops at midnight will conjure up the devil?"
Griff`: "couldn't give a toss!"
Or something like that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd90m3xKfl8&fea...
Can't find it, but I also remember a sketch with Mel playing a trendy vicar inviting all to join his congregation, even devil worshipers. Pamela and Griff played the very timid occultists.
Intervier/Rowan: "so you actually believe running around in groups, naked on hill tops at midnight will conjure up the devil?"
Griff`: "couldn't give a toss!"
Or something like that
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