When is a movie not a movie? (rant alert)
Discussion
When it is the complete load of rubbish called "Marley & Me"
Includes spoilers but if you really do go and see this, you deserve to have it ruined
Long story short as to why I had to waste two hours of my life watching this garbage. Female friend who I don't see much, likes movies, didn't want to see Watchmen, said lets go and see this. OK I thought, it will be nice to see my friend and Jennifer Aniston's in it so it can't be that bad........
I was wrong. And not just wrong, WRONG in giant sandstone letters that they have at the start of biblical epics. The kind of wrong that no amount of rights could make better. The kind of wrong that makes you wonder who would ever sign this off and let it out to poison the minds of the general public.
The problem is you can't even describe it as bad. It just is, it just is there on the screen and it doesn't do anything. There is no drama, there is no comedy, there is no intrigue, no nothing. It is quite literaly like someone has picked someones life and stolen all their home videos and some how made a 'film' out of them. It is that dull.
There is more comedy in Saving Private Ryan, there is more realistic drama in Airplane, there is more social insight in There's Something About Mary.
It is marketed as a comedy/drama about the worlds worse dog. And the biggest joke in the whole film is a dog crapping in the ocean. That's it, that's the big laugh, the big thing the hound does wrong, the huge comedy set piece. A pooch dropping a log in the sea. And what's more you have to wait nearly an hour for that.
There is a supposed comedy scene with a dog trainer played by Kathleen Turner but all you concentrate on is why she has turned into a big fat drag queen. And it just isn't funny. The writers thought that it was but believe you me I've seen funnier government finance debates.
It follows that terrible Hollywood plot of poor graduate makes good, sells his soul for commerce (but in this case in the most unthreatening way possible) before going back to his principles which still earns him lots of money. There was a sub plot involving a go getting womanising best friend who went off to cover the Gulf War 1 (which one character describes as not a good thing) but it just doesn't go anywhere. You thought, here comes a bit of drama, he'll get killed and our 'hero' will get upset. Nope, they have a conversation in the street, the friend leaves on good terms and that's it.
The film looks like it was made by people half asleep. No thought had gone into this project in any shape or form. Lets see if you can guess what song they used to illustrate the fact that our 'heroes' are moving to Miami? That's right, a helicopter shot of a bridge with their beaten up Toyota with 'Shiney Happy People' playing.... The film had a music supervisor which I can only imagine is the easiest job in the world.
As our 'heroes' move through their lives they change from the Toyota to an old Volvo to a new Volvo & People Carrier to show that they are growing as a family. They drop a political point as Anistons journalist character is covering the switch to voting machines in 1999 and the fact they "could be mis-used,"... Wow! Right on!
Our 'hero' writes a column in a local newspaper about his bloody dog which somehow turns the circulation around, he then gets a job with a another paper being a journalist but goes back to being a columnist again. Somehow while doing this he manages to earn enough money to buy a palace for his happy little three child family. How big is this place? Well when the dog goes off to be sick, it goes and hides in the STABLES! Clarksons the highest paid columinst in this country and even he could only just afford this. And yes they have a range in the kitchen, brass saucepans on the wall and it snows so we can film of the kids making snow angels.
The acting was dreadful. Owen Wilson looked like he was sleep walking and couldn't do dramatic scenes without some form of medical help. Aniston, who I used to love, now looks like a stick insect and now has acting talent to match. Jenny; have a pie, stay out of the sun and sack your agent.
I think this was meant to be a feel-good film but it wasn't. It was a feel-bad film. You didn't have any sympathy for anyone in it and at a time when everyone is having to make cutbacks and everyone is worried about their own family the idea that a couple on a screen live this nearly perfect life, with plenty of money for seemingly doing very little, get more upset over a dogs death than the wifes miscarriage is almost sick and at the very least insulting.
I know its not the kind of film that most people on here would go and see but if the other half does suggest this FOR GODS SAKE DON'T GO!!
What is even more depressing is that there were some blokes crying in the cinema at the end of this pointless tosh. I thought there would never be a movie as crap as Sleeping With The Enemy .............. I was so wrong.
Includes spoilers but if you really do go and see this, you deserve to have it ruined
Long story short as to why I had to waste two hours of my life watching this garbage. Female friend who I don't see much, likes movies, didn't want to see Watchmen, said lets go and see this. OK I thought, it will be nice to see my friend and Jennifer Aniston's in it so it can't be that bad........
I was wrong. And not just wrong, WRONG in giant sandstone letters that they have at the start of biblical epics. The kind of wrong that no amount of rights could make better. The kind of wrong that makes you wonder who would ever sign this off and let it out to poison the minds of the general public.
The problem is you can't even describe it as bad. It just is, it just is there on the screen and it doesn't do anything. There is no drama, there is no comedy, there is no intrigue, no nothing. It is quite literaly like someone has picked someones life and stolen all their home videos and some how made a 'film' out of them. It is that dull.
There is more comedy in Saving Private Ryan, there is more realistic drama in Airplane, there is more social insight in There's Something About Mary.
It is marketed as a comedy/drama about the worlds worse dog. And the biggest joke in the whole film is a dog crapping in the ocean. That's it, that's the big laugh, the big thing the hound does wrong, the huge comedy set piece. A pooch dropping a log in the sea. And what's more you have to wait nearly an hour for that.
There is a supposed comedy scene with a dog trainer played by Kathleen Turner but all you concentrate on is why she has turned into a big fat drag queen. And it just isn't funny. The writers thought that it was but believe you me I've seen funnier government finance debates.
It follows that terrible Hollywood plot of poor graduate makes good, sells his soul for commerce (but in this case in the most unthreatening way possible) before going back to his principles which still earns him lots of money. There was a sub plot involving a go getting womanising best friend who went off to cover the Gulf War 1 (which one character describes as not a good thing) but it just doesn't go anywhere. You thought, here comes a bit of drama, he'll get killed and our 'hero' will get upset. Nope, they have a conversation in the street, the friend leaves on good terms and that's it.
The film looks like it was made by people half asleep. No thought had gone into this project in any shape or form. Lets see if you can guess what song they used to illustrate the fact that our 'heroes' are moving to Miami? That's right, a helicopter shot of a bridge with their beaten up Toyota with 'Shiney Happy People' playing.... The film had a music supervisor which I can only imagine is the easiest job in the world.
As our 'heroes' move through their lives they change from the Toyota to an old Volvo to a new Volvo & People Carrier to show that they are growing as a family. They drop a political point as Anistons journalist character is covering the switch to voting machines in 1999 and the fact they "could be mis-used,"... Wow! Right on!
Our 'hero' writes a column in a local newspaper about his bloody dog which somehow turns the circulation around, he then gets a job with a another paper being a journalist but goes back to being a columnist again. Somehow while doing this he manages to earn enough money to buy a palace for his happy little three child family. How big is this place? Well when the dog goes off to be sick, it goes and hides in the STABLES! Clarksons the highest paid columinst in this country and even he could only just afford this. And yes they have a range in the kitchen, brass saucepans on the wall and it snows so we can film of the kids making snow angels.
The acting was dreadful. Owen Wilson looked like he was sleep walking and couldn't do dramatic scenes without some form of medical help. Aniston, who I used to love, now looks like a stick insect and now has acting talent to match. Jenny; have a pie, stay out of the sun and sack your agent.
I think this was meant to be a feel-good film but it wasn't. It was a feel-bad film. You didn't have any sympathy for anyone in it and at a time when everyone is having to make cutbacks and everyone is worried about their own family the idea that a couple on a screen live this nearly perfect life, with plenty of money for seemingly doing very little, get more upset over a dogs death than the wifes miscarriage is almost sick and at the very least insulting.
I know its not the kind of film that most people on here would go and see but if the other half does suggest this FOR GODS SAKE DON'T GO!!
What is even more depressing is that there were some blokes crying in the cinema at the end of this pointless tosh. I thought there would never be a movie as crap as Sleeping With The Enemy .............. I was so wrong.
navier_stokes said:
7/10. Good length. More expletives needed.
Thanks for the praise. However, to use perfectly good full on expletives on a film as bad as that would be a waste of swear words. And of course I wouldn't touched this movie in a million years under normal circumstances. It was a warning that if your other half suggests a night out or even a treat with the kids for Mothers Day, for the sake of your brain cells don't go! Edited by navier_stokes on Monday 16th March 21:54
And Watchmen is fantastic (apart from the sex scene). So good I'm thinking about going to see it again to see if it can erase the stinking dog turd which was 'Marley & Me' from my brain.
Edited by The Hypno-Toad on Tuesday 17th March 07:19
andy400 said:
The Hypno-Toad said:
as crap as Sleeping With The Enemy
No way!.
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Wait! she's killed him! No he's still alive!
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Wait! she's killed him! No he's still alive!
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Wait! she's killed him! No he's still alive! Now he's finally dead.
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No he isn't!!!!!! Yes he is.
Tosh of the highest order. Until the weekend the worst film I'd paid money to see at the cinema.
Right then, this its now karma time & rather spooky, Twilight Zone kind of karma time.
Day after I wrote this rant, my mate calls me to say that one of his four dogs has just died. Alive on minute, dropped dead of a suspected stroke the next.......
So working on that logic....
I saw a film about the murder of the British Prime Minister last week. It was rubbish.
(turns on Sky News, hopes against hope.)
Day after I wrote this rant, my mate calls me to say that one of his four dogs has just died. Alive on minute, dropped dead of a suspected stroke the next.......
So working on that logic....
I saw a film about the murder of the British Prime Minister last week. It was rubbish.
(turns on Sky News, hopes against hope.)
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