Engagement / Relationship Woes
Discussion
First up, I know these threads go on for pages as I've been a regular reader but never really contributed. However, sat here just now I can't reconcile my feelings with anybody else but these forums, so I thought I'd write everything down, with any replies gratefully received.
So outline;
I'm 28, she's 26. Been together 6 years, engaged for 3. Wedding is < 6months away.
2 daughters, 4 & 1.
Having a bit of a crisis.
I recently started a new job and this has meant a lot of training (naturally) a recent trip to a supplier which I thoroughly enjoyed has basically catalyzed an argument which broke out on my return to the country.
Absolutely exhausted from the journey and lack of sleep I then needed to travel back from Heathrow Airport late yesterday afternoon - in rush hour. FML. The one thing that could cheer me up would be a first phonecall on UK soil to my Fiancee and kids. Or not, as only a minute in to the conversation she is arguing with me. Do I think it's acceptable that she's at home all day looking after OUR children? I carefully explain that I was simply doing my job and entertaining customers / training. I'm getting no-where so I hang up, she can't be reasoned with.
Finally get home just after 6:30pm, not bad time after all. Nobody is home yet, so quick shower then she should return home from her part-time job shortly thereafter. All goes well, I greet the children but she is being really frosty. No kiss, no hug. Then it starts. "Aren't you going to apologise?" - what for? I'm doing a job, one which will give us a better future! "I can't see how going out and getting w*nkered is working" "It's not f*cking fair on us or the kids" - at this point she's already starting to shout, so I calmly ask her just to watch her language in front of the kids. It escalates, she still thinks I need to apologise for having left her at home - despite the trip having been organised weeks in advance and her being completely aware of it. Nope, it was irresponsible, why is she expected to stay at home all day* and she has to look after the kids on top of all that. My blood pressure is starting to climb somewhat by this stage, as this is the lifestyle she decided upon when WE made the decision to have children.
(*she does 4 hours a day as a carer, split over morning/noon/evening)
I go downstairs for a glass of water.
She follows, still spitting feathers, I still don't really know what to apologise for. We still have yet to properly say "hello" to one another. I try to leave the kitchen, she won't step aside, now shouting in my face. I won't raise my voice to her in front of the kids. I explain that I want to come past because I'm tired and want to sit down. She starts shouting louder. I try to step past, she barges me back into the room. "I'm not letting you past until you explain why you think it's acceptable" - WTF? I'm a grown adult, standing almost a foot taller than you and you have no power to threaten / contain me. Not least of all - you're supposed to be my Fiancee - I'm not your detainee! I try to push past, I'm f*cking exhausted. She pushes back harder, now holding the door frame effectively making herself a human barrier. Now I'm getting angry. Regrettably, I shout back at her not swearing, but simply asking her to get out of the way because I'm tired, and I want to sit down! I grab her wrist, force my way past.
The next part is not pretty. She's swung at me before, a couple of times, only once doing some proper damage (she threw something at my head - normally she's a sh*t shot, but this split my head). I digress. She starts throwing punches and kicks. One lands on my collar bone / chest. I restrain her by the wrists and shout "ENOUGH". She's clearly shaken, as she can see my anger, but quite why she should be scared I don't know, I'll never hit a woman. She shouts back, apparently I'm hurting her wrists (bearing in mind that she's still wriggling about, I could have squeezed a lot tighter if I'd been so inclined!). I'm shouting. She's shouting. Kids are now crying, not aware what's going on downstairs.
I remove and throw my engagement ring. Enough is enough. I've not seen my family for 72 hours and within 15 minutes it has escalated to this.
I'm absolutely furious, but conscious the children should not see me shouting like an ape at their mother. I take myself off for a rest on the sofa. She does the predictable, not saying a word, and gathers some things for her and the kids, preparing to leave in the car. We don't actually exchange many more words to one another after this, apart from me overhearing my eldest daughter say "I want daddy" and her turn around quite calmly and tell our daughter that "well daddy doesn't want us". This p*sses me off somewhat. I have to explain to my children that this is not the case and say goodbye to them properly once they're strapped in the car. My no-longer fiancee says that I will "Never see them again" - trying to gauge a reaction from me, but I'm not about to stoop to that level of hate. I take myself off to bed, knowing full-well she has few places to turn and will likely return later in the evening.
I hear them return that evening, but I don't see any of them. I'm already half-asleep in our bed, I'm not moving for nothing - I'm still exhausted from the trip.
I assume she slept on the sofa - result! It's normally us blokes which have to sacrifice the comfort of our bed following an argument. Perhaps she's aware that she was in the wrong? I doubt it though.
Come down for work this morning and we still haven't exchanged words. She's also removed her engagement ring and placed it quite obviously on the sideboard.
I don't really know what to do. We don't have a house of our own, we rent. I've always paid the bills and rent and subbed her for anything she needs, due to me working full-time and her only part time, I earn about 4:1 what she does. I can't bring myself to look at her. I made myself a promise that I wouldn't let her hit me again after the last time, so taking her back is to make her promise - again - that it will never happen. I can't bear to lose the kids. I've done everything a father should, remained in employment all my life to pay for their upbringing and the home we live in. I've been there for as long as possible, taking jobs where I can work from home (like today) and taking / collecting the eldest from Nursery whenever I can spare the time. I don't deserve to lose them, but I know how these things play out, and so does she. I can tell she will manipulate the kids against me even after yesterdays' little outburst, and that makes my p*ss boil. But what can I do? I certainly can't make amends of our relationship and actually marry this woman. I'm already thinking about how much of all of the deposits we will get back if I cancel now, less than 6 months before the big day. But to bury my head in the sand and go through with it would cost me more dearly, I suspect.
I'm still exhausted despite sleep. She hasn't re-appeared yet and the eldest will finish nursery in 15 minutes. Where do I take it from here? Do I kick her out? Do I leave myself? I've nowhere to go. If I make her leave she will take the children.
Thanks for reading, I'll try to update this and how it plays out.
So outline;
I'm 28, she's 26. Been together 6 years, engaged for 3. Wedding is < 6months away.
2 daughters, 4 & 1.
Having a bit of a crisis.
I recently started a new job and this has meant a lot of training (naturally) a recent trip to a supplier which I thoroughly enjoyed has basically catalyzed an argument which broke out on my return to the country.
Absolutely exhausted from the journey and lack of sleep I then needed to travel back from Heathrow Airport late yesterday afternoon - in rush hour. FML. The one thing that could cheer me up would be a first phonecall on UK soil to my Fiancee and kids. Or not, as only a minute in to the conversation she is arguing with me. Do I think it's acceptable that she's at home all day looking after OUR children? I carefully explain that I was simply doing my job and entertaining customers / training. I'm getting no-where so I hang up, she can't be reasoned with.
Finally get home just after 6:30pm, not bad time after all. Nobody is home yet, so quick shower then she should return home from her part-time job shortly thereafter. All goes well, I greet the children but she is being really frosty. No kiss, no hug. Then it starts. "Aren't you going to apologise?" - what for? I'm doing a job, one which will give us a better future! "I can't see how going out and getting w*nkered is working" "It's not f*cking fair on us or the kids" - at this point she's already starting to shout, so I calmly ask her just to watch her language in front of the kids. It escalates, she still thinks I need to apologise for having left her at home - despite the trip having been organised weeks in advance and her being completely aware of it. Nope, it was irresponsible, why is she expected to stay at home all day* and she has to look after the kids on top of all that. My blood pressure is starting to climb somewhat by this stage, as this is the lifestyle she decided upon when WE made the decision to have children.
(*she does 4 hours a day as a carer, split over morning/noon/evening)
I go downstairs for a glass of water.
She follows, still spitting feathers, I still don't really know what to apologise for. We still have yet to properly say "hello" to one another. I try to leave the kitchen, she won't step aside, now shouting in my face. I won't raise my voice to her in front of the kids. I explain that I want to come past because I'm tired and want to sit down. She starts shouting louder. I try to step past, she barges me back into the room. "I'm not letting you past until you explain why you think it's acceptable" - WTF? I'm a grown adult, standing almost a foot taller than you and you have no power to threaten / contain me. Not least of all - you're supposed to be my Fiancee - I'm not your detainee! I try to push past, I'm f*cking exhausted. She pushes back harder, now holding the door frame effectively making herself a human barrier. Now I'm getting angry. Regrettably, I shout back at her not swearing, but simply asking her to get out of the way because I'm tired, and I want to sit down! I grab her wrist, force my way past.
The next part is not pretty. She's swung at me before, a couple of times, only once doing some proper damage (she threw something at my head - normally she's a sh*t shot, but this split my head). I digress. She starts throwing punches and kicks. One lands on my collar bone / chest. I restrain her by the wrists and shout "ENOUGH". She's clearly shaken, as she can see my anger, but quite why she should be scared I don't know, I'll never hit a woman. She shouts back, apparently I'm hurting her wrists (bearing in mind that she's still wriggling about, I could have squeezed a lot tighter if I'd been so inclined!). I'm shouting. She's shouting. Kids are now crying, not aware what's going on downstairs.
I remove and throw my engagement ring. Enough is enough. I've not seen my family for 72 hours and within 15 minutes it has escalated to this.
I'm absolutely furious, but conscious the children should not see me shouting like an ape at their mother. I take myself off for a rest on the sofa. She does the predictable, not saying a word, and gathers some things for her and the kids, preparing to leave in the car. We don't actually exchange many more words to one another after this, apart from me overhearing my eldest daughter say "I want daddy" and her turn around quite calmly and tell our daughter that "well daddy doesn't want us". This p*sses me off somewhat. I have to explain to my children that this is not the case and say goodbye to them properly once they're strapped in the car. My no-longer fiancee says that I will "Never see them again" - trying to gauge a reaction from me, but I'm not about to stoop to that level of hate. I take myself off to bed, knowing full-well she has few places to turn and will likely return later in the evening.
I hear them return that evening, but I don't see any of them. I'm already half-asleep in our bed, I'm not moving for nothing - I'm still exhausted from the trip.
I assume she slept on the sofa - result! It's normally us blokes which have to sacrifice the comfort of our bed following an argument. Perhaps she's aware that she was in the wrong? I doubt it though.
Come down for work this morning and we still haven't exchanged words. She's also removed her engagement ring and placed it quite obviously on the sideboard.
I don't really know what to do. We don't have a house of our own, we rent. I've always paid the bills and rent and subbed her for anything she needs, due to me working full-time and her only part time, I earn about 4:1 what she does. I can't bring myself to look at her. I made myself a promise that I wouldn't let her hit me again after the last time, so taking her back is to make her promise - again - that it will never happen. I can't bear to lose the kids. I've done everything a father should, remained in employment all my life to pay for their upbringing and the home we live in. I've been there for as long as possible, taking jobs where I can work from home (like today) and taking / collecting the eldest from Nursery whenever I can spare the time. I don't deserve to lose them, but I know how these things play out, and so does she. I can tell she will manipulate the kids against me even after yesterdays' little outburst, and that makes my p*ss boil. But what can I do? I certainly can't make amends of our relationship and actually marry this woman. I'm already thinking about how much of all of the deposits we will get back if I cancel now, less than 6 months before the big day. But to bury my head in the sand and go through with it would cost me more dearly, I suspect.
I'm still exhausted despite sleep. She hasn't re-appeared yet and the eldest will finish nursery in 15 minutes. Where do I take it from here? Do I kick her out? Do I leave myself? I've nowhere to go. If I make her leave she will take the children.
Thanks for reading, I'll try to update this and how it plays out.
Edited by C.A.R. on Wednesday 25th January 11:47
Aside from the violence, which isn't good on either side, from her perspective you've buggered off abroad to get pissed for a night or two and left her with two small children, and then complained that you are tired. Does your 1 year old sleep through the night regularly? My (now three year old) son didn't until about 7/8 months ago, and my wife was basically exhausted for two and a bit years. We could easily be at loggerheads for 24 hours during this time.
I have got some sympathy for you but, having been there and done similar, I completely sympathise with your other half's perspective as well! Think you both need to calm down a bit longer and then have a chat.
I have got some sympathy for you but, having been there and done similar, I completely sympathise with your other half's perspective as well! Think you both need to calm down a bit longer and then have a chat.
Edited by gashead1105 on Wednesday 25th January 12:08
Be careful of Pistonheads & relationship advice. A lot of failed marriages have created some very bitter men.
First off; be the bigger man, make first contact, apologies for the bits you were wrong in doing and see if you can find a time to sit and talk *in person* and find out her main concerns.
Reading between the lines a bit:
''A lot of training'' - outside of normal working hours, more time away from home?
During this customer visit, did you make much effort to contact her & find out how things were? From her point of view, you spending a few nights away living the life of luxury & not checking up on her, then coming home complaining you are tired -vs- her having a few s
t days at work and then coming home to look after 2 kids alone is going to grate on anyone. Especially if you have been away a fair amount to date with training & again having an easier time vs her looking after the kids and balancing her own job.
Never underestimate the amount of effort & energy it can take being the main child carer. It is not always fun, happy, pleasant & relaxing and quite often can be a damn sight more stressful then you normal day job.
First off; be the bigger man, make first contact, apologies for the bits you were wrong in doing and see if you can find a time to sit and talk *in person* and find out her main concerns.
Reading between the lines a bit:
''A lot of training'' - outside of normal working hours, more time away from home?
During this customer visit, did you make much effort to contact her & find out how things were? From her point of view, you spending a few nights away living the life of luxury & not checking up on her, then coming home complaining you are tired -vs- her having a few s
t days at work and then coming home to look after 2 kids alone is going to grate on anyone. Especially if you have been away a fair amount to date with training & again having an easier time vs her looking after the kids and balancing her own job.Never underestimate the amount of effort & energy it can take being the main child carer. It is not always fun, happy, pleasant & relaxing and quite often can be a damn sight more stressful then you normal day job.
Edited by Andehh on Wednesday 25th January 12:14
It's called Domestic Violence and is not acceptable. Time to make a decision. A life of being hit, beaten and a target for projectiles or a life away from such destructive behaviour?
Should the police ever become involved in these arguments you will be the one who is removed from the house (most likely with a prohibition of returning to the property) and your kids will fall under the scrutiny of Social Services and your future access to them will become highly restricted and monitored - because male.
Is it worth carrying on in such a relationship?
Should the police ever become involved in these arguments you will be the one who is removed from the house (most likely with a prohibition of returning to the property) and your kids will fall under the scrutiny of Social Services and your future access to them will become highly restricted and monitored - because male.
Is it worth carrying on in such a relationship?
You basically put other stuff ahead of your family.
Since getting married and having kids, I've realised that jobs can come and go. Not to say that I dont care about them - I really do, but they arent my first priority. My wife and kid are.
I still travel with work. It's discussed ahead, I dont need permission, but I'm sure to be in contact regularly because a) I want to speak to my wife and b) I want to see how she's getting on. There's always time for that, no matter what you're doing.
So likely, you've not listened to her when she's raised a concern or she's just had a lot on and you havent really pulled your weight.
Violence and throwing stuff is something that you're on your own with, I cant explain or try and accept that. Up to you.
Listen more, talk less, be there more even if not in person. Prioritize what you're doing and who you're doing it for
Edit - this to me doesnt sound like The End. You need to make up and stop being a dick. As does she.
Since getting married and having kids, I've realised that jobs can come and go. Not to say that I dont care about them - I really do, but they arent my first priority. My wife and kid are.
I still travel with work. It's discussed ahead, I dont need permission, but I'm sure to be in contact regularly because a) I want to speak to my wife and b) I want to see how she's getting on. There's always time for that, no matter what you're doing.
So likely, you've not listened to her when she's raised a concern or she's just had a lot on and you havent really pulled your weight.
Violence and throwing stuff is something that you're on your own with, I cant explain or try and accept that. Up to you.
Listen more, talk less, be there more even if not in person. Prioritize what you're doing and who you're doing it for
Edit - this to me doesnt sound like The End. You need to make up and stop being a dick. As does she.
Edited by andy-xr on Wednesday 25th January 12:20
Sorry to hear of the situation, it sounds utterly ste. I can fully understand how she feels being left to look after the children alone - it's an endless, tiring job that wears you down, as I'm sure you're well aware.
I'm in a job where I leave my wife with our two children for half the month, every month. I don't know how she copes and there are plenty of my colleagues who end up either divorced or quitting the job because of it. In my case I have to make sacrifices in my own life to balance out my absence - I basically have very little time to myself when I'm home and see very little of my friends, but I'm ok with that as it's a compromise I have to make.
You're obviously going to have to sit down and find out the root cause of the issues but is it possible you're not offering any compromise on your side?
te. I can fully understand how she feels being left to look after the children alone - it's an endless, tiring job that wears you down, as I'm sure you're well aware. I'm in a job where I leave my wife with our two children for half the month, every month. I don't know how she copes and there are plenty of my colleagues who end up either divorced or quitting the job because of it. In my case I have to make sacrifices in my own life to balance out my absence - I basically have very little time to myself when I'm home and see very little of my friends, but I'm ok with that as it's a compromise I have to make.
You're obviously going to have to sit down and find out the root cause of the issues but is it possible you're not offering any compromise on your side?
C.A.R. said:
I try to step past, she barges me back into the room. "I'm not letting you past until you explain why you think it's acceptable" - WTF? I'm a grown adult, standing almost a foot taller than you and you have no power to threaten / contain me. Not least of all - you're supposed to be my Fiancee - I'm not your detainee! I try to push past, I'm f*cking exhausted. She pushes back harder, now holding the door frame effectively making herself a human barrier. Now I'm getting angry. Regrettably, I shout back at her not swearing, but simply asking her to get out of the way because I'm tired, and I want to sit down! I grab her wrist, force my way past.
Read that back to yourself, as you started the physical contact(?), then escalated the physical contact by grabbing her wrist. Thats a fair escalation to matters, THEN she starts to retaliate in turn? It's not like she can grab your wrists to restrain you...so she lashes out in the only way she can.Be careful getting fixated on the ''I promised I wouldn't let her hit me again'' and using that as your focus to end everything or follow through with the ''I am victim of continued domestic abuse''. If all incidents of domestic abuse you have fallen victim to in the past have started off in a similar manner to what you said above, then it is fairly 50:50 in my head.
Be really really careful playing the victim card in this event, as this isn't that one sided IMO. Giving her the benefit of the doubt to counter act you telling the story I can see where she is coming from if you are very work focused vs seeing her having an easier life due to part time job (which you focused on in you story) and ''only'' looking after the kids.
Edited by Andehh on Wednesday 25th January 12:58
Andehh said:
During this customer visit, did you make much effort to contact her & find out how things were? From her point of view, you spending a few nights away living the life of luxury & not checking up on her, then coming home complaining you are tired -vs- her having a few st days at work and then coming home to look after 2 kids alone is going to grate on anyone. Especially if you have been away a fair amount to date with training & again having an easier time vs her looking after the kids and balancing her own job.
I was going to ask the same question - when you were away did you contact her at all? It's a bit st days at work and then coming home to look after 2 kids alone is going to grate on anyone. Especially if you have been away a fair amount to date with training & again having an easier time vs her looking after the kids and balancing her own job.t having to call in like you're on parole or something, but that's the stage of life/relationship you are at. When you've been together 20 years you'll just text each other a few times a week and everyone is happy. But right now, every night should be dedicated to 30 mins calling/facetiming, saying hello to the kids and making out you are having a st time and can't wait to get home.Her reaction is completely over the top, and not acceptable, and that must be the overall message. You'll also find that being the breadwinner doesn't make her contribution any less valuable and you shouldn't use that to justify working hours, etc.
Your experiences are remarkably similar to mine - I was away a lot travelling the world on business while my kids were young and even though I was working 18 hour days, flying unsociable hours on s
t airlines and generally being shat on by work, my wife thought it was all jet set, parties, late night drinking, hookers and drugs. Seriously.It was all I culd do to convince her I hated it as much as she did. Even when I was having a good time, and there were a few, I made sure she thought it was crap.
To answer some of the questions brought forward so far-
I contacted her frequently during my trip. About half a dozen phone calls and many, many text messages exchanged.
To explain the trip itself, it's a training visit to a supplier of a product which our company regularly provide to key / new customers. It involved training for me (because I'm new) and I have not yet got any of my own customer base, but I was there with existing customers entertaining them. I hope that makes sense!
I appreciate massively what she does to look after the children during the week. At weekends I'm absolutely focused on the children - Before travelling at the weekend I spent the whole day with my family. I haven't seen my friends in a long time, I really don't have a social life to speak of, and I'm very much involved in bringing up the children. They are both incredibly well-behaved also, a testament to our hard work. We are fortunate that the youngest also sleeps right through the night and rarely wakes before 7.
I was anticipating a warm embrace on my return to the country, I was certainly offering one!
Quite what I could have done differently I don't know. This new job will involve some travelling, but it's compounded due to my recent starting and therefore requiring training on products which might take me further afield. Once I'm trained-up and working on my own patch then the territory and my location should not take me any more than a maximum 2 hours from home - therefore not necessitating an overnight stay more frequently than once or twice a month. This is not any different from the job I have been doing for the last 2 years.
I contacted her frequently during my trip. About half a dozen phone calls and many, many text messages exchanged.
To explain the trip itself, it's a training visit to a supplier of a product which our company regularly provide to key / new customers. It involved training for me (because I'm new) and I have not yet got any of my own customer base, but I was there with existing customers entertaining them. I hope that makes sense!
I appreciate massively what she does to look after the children during the week. At weekends I'm absolutely focused on the children - Before travelling at the weekend I spent the whole day with my family. I haven't seen my friends in a long time, I really don't have a social life to speak of, and I'm very much involved in bringing up the children. They are both incredibly well-behaved also, a testament to our hard work. We are fortunate that the youngest also sleeps right through the night and rarely wakes before 7.
I was anticipating a warm embrace on my return to the country, I was certainly offering one!
Quite what I could have done differently I don't know. This new job will involve some travelling, but it's compounded due to my recent starting and therefore requiring training on products which might take me further afield. Once I'm trained-up and working on my own patch then the territory and my location should not take me any more than a maximum 2 hours from home - therefore not necessitating an overnight stay more frequently than once or twice a month. This is not any different from the job I have been doing for the last 2 years.
2 thoughts here:
I know no matter what I actually have to do at work, or hours worked, its far far harder doing child care, when the children are young.
Not only are you at their beck and call, but you have all the house stuff to do, no doubt shopping and putting meals on the table. And possibly work, school runs, nursery runs to do. I know my wife works far harder than me, just doing 4 hours a day at an office, but running around after 2 girls.
I expect when I walk in, to basically surge into helper mode and then pick up/help out with home stuff. Typically this means if I land at 5.30 pm- we will then work together on tea, bathtime, tidying up, kitchen stuff, laundry, bathing the children, tidying bedrooms, putting them to bed, reading stories.
If we didn't eat together it means tea for us might be anything between 7.30/9.00. I'd say we do not stop and settle into our own time until maybe 8.00-9.00.
Entwined in all that are Activities 3 evenings a week. brownies, ballet, swimming.
My point is- no way in a ladies eyes have you done more than she has and yr not going to win this. What you have to accept is its damn hard when the children are young, as they grow, it all becomes far easier. My boring tale isn't hard work as such, because they are not babies (they're 4 and 7) but it was far harder when you had to sit and feed them for an hour. At least now they can sit down and feed themselves !
So what you have to do is expect to land home from whatever day you've had and pitch in: immediately. if that's not happening, its not going to end well.
The violence thing is a tough one: more so because you live together and have children. Personally I'd do one straight away, but you can't- its something to work at and discuss.
I dated a girl for 6 months- when in drink she could become very violent- mainly towards other women who she thought might threaten her, or she perceived might be trying to chat me up. The times I had to physically put her in check: plus I could never ever relax when out with her, as she might go nuts. I always had to monitor things. As nice as she was and as good as things were, physically, love wise, the good points, the future: I knew this dark side would always be there and she had to go.
She'll be fed up because you've probably just been on a ladish sess leaving her to it. When did she last have a weekend to herself, night to herself, day out shopping without the kids ?
It'll probably all be ok, if you try and address the balance of workloads. But seriously, going to work is easy. Childcare ain't when they're little.
I know no matter what I actually have to do at work, or hours worked, its far far harder doing child care, when the children are young.
Not only are you at their beck and call, but you have all the house stuff to do, no doubt shopping and putting meals on the table. And possibly work, school runs, nursery runs to do. I know my wife works far harder than me, just doing 4 hours a day at an office, but running around after 2 girls.
I expect when I walk in, to basically surge into helper mode and then pick up/help out with home stuff. Typically this means if I land at 5.30 pm- we will then work together on tea, bathtime, tidying up, kitchen stuff, laundry, bathing the children, tidying bedrooms, putting them to bed, reading stories.
If we didn't eat together it means tea for us might be anything between 7.30/9.00. I'd say we do not stop and settle into our own time until maybe 8.00-9.00.
Entwined in all that are Activities 3 evenings a week. brownies, ballet, swimming.
My point is- no way in a ladies eyes have you done more than she has and yr not going to win this. What you have to accept is its damn hard when the children are young, as they grow, it all becomes far easier. My boring tale isn't hard work as such, because they are not babies (they're 4 and 7) but it was far harder when you had to sit and feed them for an hour. At least now they can sit down and feed themselves !
So what you have to do is expect to land home from whatever day you've had and pitch in: immediately. if that's not happening, its not going to end well.
The violence thing is a tough one: more so because you live together and have children. Personally I'd do one straight away, but you can't- its something to work at and discuss.
I dated a girl for 6 months- when in drink she could become very violent- mainly towards other women who she thought might threaten her, or she perceived might be trying to chat me up. The times I had to physically put her in check: plus I could never ever relax when out with her, as she might go nuts. I always had to monitor things. As nice as she was and as good as things were, physically, love wise, the good points, the future: I knew this dark side would always be there and she had to go.
She'll be fed up because you've probably just been on a ladish sess leaving her to it. When did she last have a weekend to herself, night to herself, day out shopping without the kids ?
It'll probably all be ok, if you try and address the balance of workloads. But seriously, going to work is easy. Childcare ain't when they're little.
Andehh said:
Read that back to yourself, as you started the physical contact(?), then escalated the physical contact by grabbing her wrist. Thats a fair escalation to matters, THEN she starts to retaliate in turn? It's not like she can grab your wrists to restrain you...so she lashes out in the only way she can.
Be careful getting fixated on the ''I promised I wouldn't let her hit me again'' and using that as your focus to end everything or follow through with the ''I am victim of continued domestic abuse''. If all incidents of domestic abuse you have fallen victim to in the past have started off in a similar manner to what you said above, then it is fairly 50:50 in my head.
Be really really careful playing the victim card in this event, as this isn't that one sided IMO. Giving her the benefit of the doubt to counter act you telling the story I can see where she is coming from if you are very work focused vs seeing her having an easier life due to part time job (which you focused on in you story) and ''only'' looking after the kids.
Apologies if it was unclear, I just kind of spewed the words onto the screen as quickly as I could. I definitely did not start the physical contact, with her blocking my exit from the kitchen into what is quite a narrow hallway, if you can imagine. Her pushing me back into the kitchen was the start of the contact, with her 'pushes' with the flat palm of her hand almost striking out like hits. I just wanted to get by and I'm not proud of having to restrain her by the wrists at all, I wish I hadn't felt the need - but like I say, this is not the first time it has happened. Previously she has inflicted bruises and as mentioned in my first post the worst of it all was being struck by an object she threw at my head, which split my head open just next to my eye/below the temple area.Be careful getting fixated on the ''I promised I wouldn't let her hit me again'' and using that as your focus to end everything or follow through with the ''I am victim of continued domestic abuse''. If all incidents of domestic abuse you have fallen victim to in the past have started off in a similar manner to what you said above, then it is fairly 50:50 in my head.
Be really really careful playing the victim card in this event, as this isn't that one sided IMO. Giving her the benefit of the doubt to counter act you telling the story I can see where she is coming from if you are very work focused vs seeing her having an easier life due to part time job (which you focused on in you story) and ''only'' looking after the kids.
Edited by Andehh on Wednesday 25th January 12:31
It's not easy even admitting that this has happened before, I almost feel a sense of shame that I let her hit me. It's usually after the event (like this morning) that I'm left thinking, wait a minute - I did not sign up for this!
NickGibbs said:
Key tip: After returning abroad, you've got to come home ready for childcare/cooking/cleaning, all traces of hangover hidden.
This is man-up time, because business travel always looks like the easy option to the partner left at home caring for children, no matter it if really isn't.
This, to her you have been on the piss for a long weekend regardless of it being "work".This is man-up time, because business travel always looks like the easy option to the partner left at home caring for children, no matter it if really isn't.
violence is unacceptable from both parties, especially when kids are around.
Get a babysitter, sit down with her apologise that you had to go away for work and that you'd rather be at home. Make it very clear that violence is not on. Maybe offer to give her a break, you look after the kids while she has a spa weekend or something, after all being a full time mum and working is never going to be easy and she is probably shattered.
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