The best insult you've ever heard
Discussion
Not so much an insult as the funniest thing I've ever blurted out.
A couple of years ago I was having my appendix out and was in quite a state, in the pre-op room I was on the bed surrounded by surgeons and nurses etc all with their backs to me except for one nurse asking me all sorts of questions before they knocked me out.
"...and have you got any metal objects in you"
"only balls of steel"...I faintly chuckled and she absolutely creased herself, nobody else round in the room heard and I knew instantly it was probably the funniest thing I'll ever say and only one person heard it and no bugger will ever believe it.
A couple of years ago I was having my appendix out and was in quite a state, in the pre-op room I was on the bed surrounded by surgeons and nurses etc all with their backs to me except for one nurse asking me all sorts of questions before they knocked me out.
"...and have you got any metal objects in you"
"only balls of steel"...I faintly chuckled and she absolutely creased herself, nobody else round in the room heard and I knew instantly it was probably the funniest thing I'll ever say and only one person heard it and no bugger will ever believe it.
Legeen said:
Really, ok I stand corrected I didn't realise you were there. Worse things have been said on a 5 a side pitch, perhaps you'd know if played but since we're making statements with zero substance, you don't play and you pretend to be a lady at the weekend.
OK poppet, when you've been here a bit longer you'll notice a thread like this pops up every 6-8 months, with people trotting out the same stories all done by their "mate", and then the Churchill quotes start, then the very famous cricket sledging quotes and so on. Original insults are few and far between.
Not sure if this one is real story about somebody putting down a z-list celeb.
Celeb pushes to the front of the boarding queue at an airport departure gate:
Stewardess: "there is a queue, go to the back"
Celeb: "do you know who I am"
Stewardess: (to the queue of people behind) "excuse me, does anyone know who this person is......they seem to have forgotten"
Seems a little hard to believe - but very funny if true.
Celeb pushes to the front of the boarding queue at an airport departure gate:
Stewardess: "there is a queue, go to the back"
Celeb: "do you know who I am"
Stewardess: (to the queue of people behind) "excuse me, does anyone know who this person is......they seem to have forgotten"
Seems a little hard to believe - but very funny if true.
Barrister: I put it to you that you cannot possibly have seen my client enter the premises at that time because your vision is impaired and you were not wearing your glasses. Where you in fact wearing your glasses at the time?
Witness: No, but i'm sure it was him
Barrister: Really? so just how far can you see without your glasses Mr Jones?
Witness: Well on a clear night I can see the moon!
Witness: No, but i'm sure it was him
Barrister: Really? so just how far can you see without your glasses Mr Jones?
Witness: Well on a clear night I can see the moon!
omgus said:
a thread like this pops up every 6-8 months, with people trotting out the same stories all done by their "mate", and then the Churchill quotes start, then the very famous cricket sledging quotes and so on.
Original insults are few and far between.
Years ago, a mate of mine met Winston Churchill in a pub and he got told a story about when the war started.Original insults are few and far between.
Hitler: 'Oi Winston…you want some' ?
Winston: 'fk off sausage breath'
Hitler: 'Can't you bowl any faster fatboy' ?
Winston: 'Your mum can suck start a leaf blower'.
Something like that anyway.
Moonhawk said:
Not sure if this one is real story about somebody putting down a z-list celeb.
Celeb pushes to the front of the boarding queue at an airport departure gate:
Stewardess: "there is a queue, go to the back"
Celeb: "do you know who I am"
Stewardess: (to the queue of people behind) "excuse me, does anyone know who this person is......they seem to have forgotten"
Seems a little hard to believe - but very funny if true.
The second part being where the celeb responds with a 'fk you', to which the lady replies 'you have to get in line for that, too'.Celeb pushes to the front of the boarding queue at an airport departure gate:
Stewardess: "there is a queue, go to the back"
Celeb: "do you know who I am"
Stewardess: (to the queue of people behind) "excuse me, does anyone know who this person is......they seem to have forgotten"
Seems a little hard to believe - but very funny if true.
Probably all bks, but funny nonetheless.
Leptons said:
"She had a fanny like a ripped out fireplace"
Or 'a chuff like a wizards sleeve' was quite evocative, from 'Two Pints'.Seems as if the really clever insults are all very old, maybe people had more time to think of witty ripostes back then, or the need to send them by post gave that extra breathing space. It's nice, though, that I can use lines from things like Blackadder and they're old enough that youngsters will think I made them up and am thus very witty.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff