Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[glenrobbo]

I have this irrational fear of Christmas



Apparently it's known as Claustrophobia.

[MartG]

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity,
so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge!

[strudel]

:groan:

[Laurel Green]

Must have been 'exstatic!

[K12beano]

We like a more current joke, though....

[size]

Shocking behaviour.

[schmunk]

size said:

Shocking behaviour.

Revolting.

[LordHaveMurci]

MartG said:

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity,
so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge!

Was it a Lightning Deal?

[Kenty]

I went to the fancy dress shop this afternoon to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween, the girl who served me brought me a Newcastle United shirt, I think she must've misheard me - I said I want to look like a Count.....

[mart 63]

Kenty said:

I went to the fancy dress shop this afternoon to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween, the girl who served me brought me a Chelsea shirt, I think she must've misheard me - I said I want to look like a Count.....

Fixed

[size]

mart 63 said:

Kenty said:

I went to the fancy dress shop this afternoon to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween, the girl who served me brought me a Chelsea shirt, I think she must've misheard me - I said I want to look like a foreigner

Fixed

Repaired

[northwest monkey]

Muntu said:

northwest monkey said:

MartG said:

schmunk said:

Who's there?

Not this guy

If you stood him and Oscar Pistorious next to each other, you could quite legitimately say that 2 wrongs could make a right.

Whilst on the subject

Quite alarming

Shouldn't be too hard to find though...

[SeeFive]

northwest monkey said:

Muntu said:

northwest monkey said:

MartG said:

schmunk said:

Who's there?

Not this guy

If you stood him and Oscar Pistorious next to each other, you could quite legitimately say that 2 wrongs could make a right.

Whilst on the subject

Quite alarming

Shouldn't be too hard to find though...

That headline is comedy gold.

"Man with no hands or legs is armed and on the run"

[MartG]

[MartG]

[mickk]

My son wants to be a tank driver when he leaves school.

I'm not going to stand in his way.

[MartG]

Paddy is sitting trying to catch fish through the ice when he hears a loud booming voice say "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE" Paddy says"be-Jesus holy mother of Christ is dat you yorself ther God?
The voice booms back" NO YOU THICK IRISH ******* ITS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"..

[MartG]

The pessimist sees the dark tunnel
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees the train

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks...

[MartG]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

[Laurel Green]