Has anyone used a private detective?

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Thanks for the comments.

X claims the child benefit.

Good luck all!

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DaveL485 said:

Likewise, I most definitely shy away from things stepping forward with my OH. Symptom of things past I wonder?

Almost certainly :-).

I'm sure that as and when the time becomes right things will move forward, either with this person or someone else.

Good luck in your journey!

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D1ckie said:

ABD

Glad things have moved on for you, I remember reading this thread last year and taking about 4 hours out of my day...

Did we ever find out who A was and how X & A got together

Thanks for the good wishes. I found out who he was quite early on (although I didn't share it on here) but in my view it's nothing to do with him - it's X that decided to do the wrong thing. He could have been anyone (although he is married with four children) and it appears he dropped her like a stone when things came to a head - not really a surprise.

They met on Facebook - "old friends....". In hindsight, he actually did me a favour.

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Rosscow said:

I sat down and read this thread for the first time pretty much from beginning to end the other day.

What a journey you've been on OP, and I think you should be very proud with how you have conducted yourself throughout the last 2 years.

Well done and good luck for the future.

Thank you, much appreciated.

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Joey Deacon said:

I split from my wife 8 months ago and having read this thread I could have written it word for word.

Just wanted to say I hope I will get to the same position you seem to be in soon.

Sorry to hear that Joey. I spent a lot of sleepless nights too but things do get better with time and a positive attitude.

If you want to PM me I'm happy to chat offline but do keep your chin up.

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GloverMart said:

Joey Deacon said:

A bit down said:

Sorry to hear that Joey. I spent a lot of sleepless nights too but things do get better with time and a positive attitude.

If you want to PM me I'm happy to chat offline but do keep your chin up.

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for your kind words. When I wrote my last post I found out that she had started seeing one of the separated dads from the school which wasn't nice to find out. Basically I have had this big issue where I feel she split with me because I wasn't good looking enough or exciting enough for her and here she is replacing me with some other guy with 2 kids who works in HR....

Anyway, I have since found out she gets him over to do the gardening for her and when she needed a new TV last week (she tried to get me to pay) the fool paid half for her. I have also found out that when she goes out with her friends she never takes him out with her. So this leads me to believe that she is just using him as she can't cope on her own. She is actually out on a hen night tonight so I am guessing she will be out flirting with much younger men if it is anything like when we were together. It reminds me of all the times I was at home looking after the children and she had lied to me about where she was going. It also reminds me of all the times she was glued to her phone messaging other men behind my back while I was sat next to her on the sofa. All I can say is that he is welcome to it, I never want to feel like that again.

She has gone through the whole mid life crisis thing, joined a gym, lost weight, going out with friends all the time, whole new wardrobe, addicted to facebook, getting tattoo's, chasing after guys 10+ years younger than her etc.

The point of all this rambling is that she hasn't changed in the slightest and she is still a selfish, lying, manipulative woman and this just goes to prove it. I now totally see her for what she is and I actually believe I am better off without her.

I have felt bit lost over the last 8 months or so and I am actually working in Australia at the moment as a way of trying to sort my head out. I am now really excited about coming back to the UK, buying myself a property of my own and getting on with my life. I have massive trust issues at the moment when it comes to women due to my ex's behaviour but I am hoping this will get better over time as well.

I wish you well Joey. I could have written half of what you just posted, myself. I'm a few years on from that place now and it does, and will, get better I promise.

Seconded. Time is a great healer. Good luck.

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Morning everyone,

I know this is extremely cheeky but I could do with a bit of advice please.

Things are not going well for X, and I'm concerned she is heading towards depression. She is just about able to keep things together logistically (although it's always me that is flexible with arrangements and fitting in having the kids around her changing work requirements) but she seems to be struggling elsewhere.

During the school holidays she hasn't done anything with the children. When she has them they just lie in bed all day watching youtube videos, apparently. All showers/baths, exercise, etc. are done when they are with me and I've taken them on holiday this summer, as well as fitted in a lot of activities. I'm not pointscoring here, it's just what parents do in my view. Their confidence is also starting to dip and I'm having to work hard to keep them feeling positive.

Over the last few weeks I've started to get late night texts from X, some aggressive (but unfounded - I won't go into details but it's stuff I could reasonably respond to with "how dare you") and some rambling and vaguely threatening. I normally ignore them but I had a long one after midnight last night, the gist of which is that she feels she can't go on, that she's being a terrible mum, that the kids don't like her, that she can't stand the idea of me with someone else, that she can no longer put on a brave face for the kids and that maybe I should have them full-time as they much prefer being with me. She says she can't wait for each day to be over and that she knows everything is her fault but she doesn't know what to do or how to cope.

This is beginning to worry me a bit. If I'm honest, I'm just about managing to keep on top of everything myself. I have the kids half the week plus a fairly responsible full-time job that sees me travelling quite a lot and under a fair bit of pressure most of the time. I'm financially responsible for everyone around me, and I seem to be the "emotional centre" too. I'm not quite sure how I'd cope if X started failing to hold up her end. She's showing some signs of having real problems and I'm not sure how to handle it. I've replied fairly supportively reminding her how much the kids adore her and that they really need us both now. I also asked if there's anyone she can talk to about how she is feeling but I don't know if there is anyone around her who would be able to help. She's always been completely ruled by her emotions and never really tried to control herself.

Sorry this is a bit rambling but my thoughts aren't really coherent on this. Part of me doesn't care what happens to her now and she certainly didn't seem to care when she put me through the mill, but I know that's just pride and that the children need her to be the best mum she can. I feel like I'm the last person who should step in here, but perhaps I'm the only one who can. None of us can afford for things to get worse.

Anyone been through this or able to offer any constructive advice please? I've talked it through with my friends and whilst they are very supportive, none has any experience of similar situations.

Many thanks

ABD

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scdan4 said:

I'd tell her (probably in no uncertain terms) to go to the doctor. Tell her you think that she is depressed.

Offer (if you can) to home the kids a bit more if that will help her.

Beyond that, I'd be inclined to keep a healthy distance. Being her emotional dump will not be good for either of you, nor the kids imho. Could lead to all sorts of things - but likely none of them will be positive for anyone involved.

Thanks for the reply. I do think she needs to see the GP. I'd like nothing better than to keep a healthy distance, I'm just not sure how far away that is and I want to make sure the kids are OK. IT's tricky to stay close enough to know what's going on and far enough away to avoid becoming the emotional crutch.

GloverMart said:

A lot of very useful input

Thanks so much for taking the time to post this. A horrible situation for you and one that I can empathise with certain parts of, although it hadn't occurred to me that things could get that bad. You seem to have coped with it really well.

I don't know if (in the short term at least) I could afford to give up my job, but if it was that or nothing, it would be that.

Thanks also for the reminder about it being the kids that matter most. I've generally made a good job of putting them first but sometimes other things demand attention.

I just hope X can see the direction she's heading in time. I'm actually meeting up with my ex brother-in-law tomorrow and if X's sister is around I may have a quiet word.

garyhun said:

Totally agree. Don't get sucked in, don't let her play you again.

I really don't want to - but I'd hate it if something bad happened and I'd seen the signs but not tried to do something. In reality she has no right dumping this on me but "fair" hasn't been involved in this stuff for a while. Thank you for the objectivity though - sometimes you just need someone to say "it's like this".

80quattro said:

Difficult one, with lots of dilemmas, and obviously the kids come first.

Is there a chance she could be attention seeking? Could she be leaning on you slightly in an attempt to involve you in her life as much as possible? I can't remember the age of your children, but would they be able to shed some light from their perspective, in terms of her demeanor/happiness etc.

Reason I ask, is I have two sons, ages 9 and 10. They would *love* to spend all day sitting in bed watching YouTube videos and eating Pringles, given the opportunity..

I think there's a lot of possibility in this and it's insightfully observed. The kids are 13 and 10 and they are acutely aware that they are "in the middle". They go out of their way to only say positive things to both of us about the other and I know they would want us back together.

My kids love lazing around but after a few days they realise it's not good for them. They are both asking regularly if we can go out and do something!

[A bit down]

Thanks again for all the perspectives.

I'm going to speak to her family tomorrow and share my concerns. Hopefully they will make some effort to help.

If that doesn't work then I'll try to sit down with her (minus the kids) and try to spell things out. This may not be possible for another week or so but at least there's time to think things through.

I do generally think the kids need their mum in as good a frame of mind as possible. If I have to give up work things will change significantly for all of us and I'd prefer to avoid that if possible.

Unfortunately she's on the verge of tears every time I see her at the moment so no chance of doing anything together with the kids. I'm not sure I'd want to anyway but in any case whenever I've been anything other than the bare minimum of civility with her she takes the opportunity of asking why we can't get back together.

It's really wearing me down. I've been feeling run down for several weeks now, and I'm not sleeping well again. Going to be some tricky times ahead I think.

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Tony427 said:

ABD have you thought about taking the kids full time by use of either a housekeeper or even a nanny.

Your ex gets time to get her head together, you stop paying her to keep the kids unoccupied, you use the former maintenance payments and child credit to pay for said housekeeper or nanny, and you keep your job and your sanity.

Just a thought.

Cheers,

Tony

This may well turn out to be a good idea and I hadn't considered it - thanks very much for the suggestion.

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Mobile Chicane said:

This sounds rather like depression, however my greater guess would be that Lover Boy's fked off, and the realisation that life isn't so great as a singleton has hit hard.

So what. She made her choices; she can live with the consequences.

Remember, when you gave her the opportunity to come clean about the suspected affair, she lied, lied, and lied again.

i think this is probably true and that's how I feel about her as an individual. However, I still need her in a decent place to be a good carer for the children and I can't afford to just let her break down - my concern is for selfish reasons for me and the kids) rather than altruistic ones.

Appreciate the input, thanks.

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mikefacel said:

ABD,sorry to hear about the latest news. I think I posted early in this thread that I was in a similar situation but probably a year or two ahead of you. My ex behaved almost exactly the same as yours. Initially the kids spent 4 days with me, 3 with her. But her drinking/abuse and her new abusive partner she moved in with meant that they now live with me all the time.

First of all: YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. Not that you should, but she's on a self-destructive path which will bring others around her down with her if she is given the chance. It's all very well saying that your kids need a healthy mother, which is ideal, but if you get involved trying to save her then this is going to bring you down, and your kids will have no-one. You have to protect yourself to protect your kids. Tell her to go to the doctor, or contact MIND, or speak to her family, but otherwise stay away as only pain can result from it.

Secondly, she has said you should probably have the kids. Do it. For a woman to say that, things must be really bad. She is warning you that something bad could happen. Get some help with a nanny or family member. Ask work if you can do flexible hours or work from home more. In my case I gave up work and started doing par time consultancy, which was a big step down but allowed me to look after the kids (and tax credits helped). Strangely, after a couple of years of pain, work is amazing now and I'm earning more than I ever did. Kids are really adaptable and know that stability is good in their lives - you'll be able to handle it. Make sure you have something in writing with regard to you having the kids - good for getting child benefit and tax credits.

Thirdly: Your mental/physical health is vital for the kids. You say you're struggling and this probably has something to do with your ex still being in your life. Make sure you've got time to yourself, speak to a close mate, have some beers.

Finally: It's hard, but seriously just try to have absolutely minimal contact with the ex. These people need boundaries and once told "I'm not interested, go and talk to a friend" a few times then eventually she'll stop trying to burden you with her problems. She still thinks she has some power over you and that you care about her. Any conversation should simply be about the logistics of child care and nothing more.

It does get properly better mate. All the best.

Thanks for this. It sounds like you've had a tough time but come out of the other side and I appreciate your speaking from experience. I spoke to her family today and explained things to them. We get on well and I asked them to take responsibility for helping her out. They'll be getting in touch tomorrow without referencing our conversation, obviously. If we don't see improvement/action over the next week then I'm going to ask her for a meeting and be clear that I've had enough. We'll see where it goes from there. Interestingly her family's view was that she's being selfish and attention seeking. I hope they are right and that's all it is.

I'm also meeting up with some of my friends tomorrow, it'll be interesting to see what they have to say.

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MentalSarcasm said:

ABD, I know you won't want to keep messages from her, but it might be a good idea to keep the recent ones from her about the state of her mental health, that way if someone approaches her with "ABD said this..." and she accuses you of lying to make her feel worse, then you've got the proof.

Hopefully her family will be able to get her to face up to her problems and start dealing with them on her own, with help from them rather than you.

Good idea, thanks.

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Chim said:

Off to the left question ABD, do you still have feelings for her, going back a year you where very much in love with her. I know what she has done is wrong, very wrong, none of us though are perfect. If there is anything left of the person you loved last year and if you think you could learn to love her again it may be worth exploring. Perhaps some counselling sessions to start with.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Amazingly it's actually been nearly two years since we separated and longer than that since these issues surfaced (it's flown). My biggest concern was breaking up the family unit and not seeing my children every day and I still struggle with this. A bit of time and distance has made me realise that things weren't right between X and I for a very long time and some of the things she has said and done have made me realise that I'm far better off without her.

To answer your question directly no, there's no feeling left for me towards her and there is no chance of reconciliation. I'd fully admit that I made mistakes during our marriage and I wish there are some things I could change but she has proven to be a cheat and a liar, and prepared to put herself ahead of the children and family. Although it sounds pompous, I'm none of those things and I don't need them in my life.

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DaveL, thanks for the comments and sharing your experiences. I really hope it doesn't come to that for me but X isn't known for her rationality or good decision making so who knows?

STK, Pommy - thanks, appreciated.

I haven't had any texts that don't relate to the kids for a couple of days. I'm hoping that the family have intervened, rather than that she's just letting things build up to the next explosion.

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JakeThePeg, thanks so much for taking the time to give some perspective and I'm glad things have worked out for you. It sounds like your Dad is a good man and did everything he could for you, which on the surface would appear to be what every parent should do but we all know that they don't.

My kids seem to be doing OK now. It's over two years since X moved out and I'm settled into the logistics of my life, which has helped them settle too. I won't ever tell them what happened but they are pretty sharp and I'm sure they will work things out - especially as X apparently often tells them how much she regrets her behaviour over the latter part of our marriage.

I've now reached the stage where I need to sort finances for the future and that is going to involve some tricky conversations with X, probably around divorce. She has been really keeping her distance over the last couple of months, to the point where I don't think we've actually spoken face to face or on the phone. Arrangements are made by text or via the kids - I hope this is her moving on and trying to put things behind her, we'll see.

In other news, I broke things off with the woman I had been seeing for most of this year. I enjoyed her company and we had fun but my heart wasn't really in it and I was struggling to find time for a relationship. I thing she perhaps saw things differently and was a bit more into it than I was and although I was open and honest (without hurting her) when I ended it she hasn't taken it well and I'm getting some fairly bizarre texts/voicemails. It seems I attract the slightly unhinged type but it only surfaces when things get tricky! I think this has probably put me off dating for a while as I really don't need the hassle. At least it means I can fully focus on the kids over Christmas and we'll have a great time.

By the way, no need for a pint - I reckon I owe about a hundred to people who have provided support and advice through this thread so I hope karma evens things out!

[A bit down]

Sorry for the delay and thanks for asking.

It's an interesting time now - nearly three years since I started to have suspicions and it feels like a lifetime ago. I can barely remember what my previous life was like.

The kids are doing OK - the eldest has a bit of anxiety but we're dealing with it and the school have been good. Academically they are both doing well and they are good, pleasant kids. I work very hard at this, I feel like it's my main purpose in life now. It always should have been.

Christmas was nice, I had the kids for most of it as X doesn't like Christmas - this year she told our ten year old that Father Christmas isn't real!

Speaking of X, she's met someone and seems happy. Her erratic behaviour has calmed down a bit but now she wants to introduce him to the kids. Her reasoning is that "if we bump into him, I don't want to lie to them". The mind boggles - the irony of her not wanting to lie about relationships is brilliant. Plus, we had agreed (at her absolute insistence) that we wouldn't let anyone new meet the kids until the youngest was settled in high school (which will be later this year). Surprisingly, that only seems to have applied to me when I was seeing someone and now that it suits her she wants to introduce him now.

I don't think this is a great idea as my son is still sensitive around the subject and the move from primary school to high school will be tricky anyway. However, I don't suppose I'll ever be thrilled at the prospect of someone else being around my kids (especially with X's decision making) and she will do what she wants anyway.

She actually got me to take a week off work recently as she had to go on a residential training course with her new job and her Mum couldn't have the kids on her days. I took the week off, looked after the kids (which I'm fine with of course - I love having them), then brilliantly her Dad told me she had gone to Spain for the week with her new bloke...a "training course" of sorts I suppose :-). I shouldn't be surprised with her lies and manipulation but it still catches me off guard sometimes. I hope he's a good guy and is a good influence on her and the kids, he's got his work cut out.

There is an upside though, which is now that new bloke is around she's kicked off the divorce - she has filed the papers and everything (I've seen them). This is something she previously fought against so I was quite surprised when she did it. In a few months we'll be divorced which although it won't really make any difference, I'll feel a lot better.

My own love life has been non-existent since I ended a relationship late last year. I've been completely off the market voluntarily. I was seeing someone for most of the year but it made me realise that I don't really have time for a "proper" relationship (weekends and the odd weekday suited me fine), nor if I'm honest do I have the inclination. I seem to attract high-maintenance types and my tolerance for unreasonable behaviour is shot. When we split she accused me of being emotionally unavailable and I think that's true to an extent. I never introduced her to any of my friends or family, never told her I loved her (I probably didn't) and although I put in some effort, I knew deep down it wasn't going to work.

I would love to meet someone who will make me see the world differently but I'm pretty cynical about my chances. I don't put myself in the position now and I quite often actively remove myself from it. I suppose my head isn't yet where it needs to be and I don't have a lot of time to get it there. This is probably normal, I don't know.

I'm glad to have come through this in one piece though, and I hope everyone else in a similar boat is doing well. I've got to run now but will be back online later.

[A bit down]

Thank you.

Ironically I've been out this evening at a sports event and been asked out on a date at the weekend. I surprised myself by saying yes, so we'll see how it goes :-).

I'm now really glad I've got my diet/fitness and wardrobe in order - I've learned a lot from the Match thread!

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Tango13 said:

You bd!! You could've put a spoiler on that little bit of information! You've totally fked my Christmases now

Tango13 (Aged 43yrs & 2 weeks)

Hey, I'm not saying I believe that. After all someone must get and wrap the presents, sneak around putting them out, leave carrots/cookies/footprints, etc. It must be him.

I agree with the "damaged" bit above. I've tried hard to be even handed and positive but I think it's hard not to have it change you. Just need to accept it and move on, which I'm largely doing - just letting it shape me a bit I suppose.

I'll report back on how the date goes :-)

[A bit down]

Thanks for the post.

Yes, it's amazing how many stories go the same way with "she promises me there's no-one else involved...". I'm sure that's true for both sexes, we just get the male-oriented view on PH. You really feel for the guys at the beginning of the process though.

I don't know whether she wants to marry the new guy although it wouldn't surprise me as she certainly hasn't liked dealing with the world by herself. I really don't like the thought of a stranger becoming involved in my children's upbringing but it's not something I can control so I just have to accept it.

The lying and manipulation almost seems like second nature now - it's almost as though she has constructed some sort of reality where it's normal and OK to behave like that, as if she "deserves to be happy, whatever the cost to others". I'm not sure it's quite that bad but it doesn't feel far off. Like you, I experienced a lot of this behaviour over a period of online dating and it didn't do much to ease my cynicism. I hope you are right about it being an age/stage of life thing because it has made me very suspicious of almost everyone and their motives. It feels like there are very few left who will actually treat others as they would want to be treated themselves. One thing I did notice is that quite a few of them talked a good game but when circumstances arose where they had to actually do something, the true colours came through. I won't be specific but it really opened my eyes.

I hope your divorce goes through OK and that things work out for you, and thanks for sharing your experience - it's always strangely comforting to know that I'm not the only one.