Sean Connery Joke (Volume IV)
Discussion
Mexico's was just outright racism. didn't see poj's but would imagine from his usual postings, it would make frankie boyle blush.... shame, because his usually make me laugh....
Anyway, my contribution for the day.
Usain Bolt ran at 40 mph to break his previous world record. You might think that's good, but if he hits a child there's an 80% chance she'll die.
Anyway, my contribution for the day.
Usain Bolt ran at 40 mph to break his previous world record. You might think that's good, but if he hits a child there's an 80% chance she'll die.
Edited by alfa pint on Saturday 22 August 12:36
Apologies if a repost, but I only drop in here on the odd occassion, anyway to the other Scots that frequent this area, I give you.....
(I know it is old but I am sure it has been added to, and personally I think it is brilliant, and mostly accurate)
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
IT'S
A PURE DEAD GIVE-AWAY THAT YOU'RE SCOTTISH IF :-
1. you consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine is good
weather
2. the only sausage you like is square
3. you have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at
secondary school
4. you have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye
right, auldjin, baltic...
5. you destroyed your teeth when you were young using Buchanan's
toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Ba
rs, Cola Cubes etc
6. you have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a 'numpty'
team like the Faroe Islands
7. you happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone
you've never met before
8. even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia ,
Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you're in a club
abroad and they play something Scottish
9. you u sed to watch Glen Michael's Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with ;
his side kick Lamp Paladin
10. you got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas
11. you can tell where another Scot is from by their accent -
"Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal."
Or "Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?", etc
12. you see cops and hear someone shout 'Errapolis'
13. you have participated in or watched people having a 'square go'
14. you know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only
want to know if you are catholic or protestant
15. you have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince 'n
tatties, Tunnock's Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen skink, Lees
Macaroon Bars, etc
16. a jakey has asked you for money
17. you think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop
keeper
18. you know the right response to 'Ye dancing ?' is 'Y'askin?' followed by
'Ahm askin' and finally 'Then ahm dancin'
19. whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of20pools of vomit as that's
what the jannies used to chuck on it at school
20. you lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt
21. you don't do shopping... you 'go the messages'
22. you're sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you
telling you a joke - and asking 'Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?' and you
respond 'Naw, not at a', yer fine. This is ma stoap, but'
23. you can have an entire phone conversation using only the words
'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'
24. you have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out
- regardless of the circumstances
25. you know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and that
seven hundred hungry weans'll testify tae that.
Furthermore you're sure that if it's butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid
is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan
26. you know that going to a party at a friend's house involves bringing
your own drink
27. your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in
Scotland while you're away
28. your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in
Prague and your mate says we'll end up losing 3-2 here and you
think "Probably"
29. you can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and
Auchtermuchty
30. your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy
31. you're used to 4 seasons in one day
32. you can't pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when your
drunk
33. you can fall about drunk without spilling your drink
34. you measure distance in minutes
35. you can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in
your own family
36. you go to Saltcoats because you think it's like being at the ocean
37. you can make a whole sentence out of just swear words
38. you know what haggis is made with and still eat it
39. somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day
date
40. you've been at a wedding where the footie results were read out
41. you aren't surprised to find curr ies, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies
and fags all for sale in one shop
42. your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it
43. you know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure
44. you understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals
45. and, finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these
terms - "How's it hingin'?", "clatty",
"boggin", "cludgie",
"dreich", "bampot", "bawheid", "baw
bag" and "dubble nugget".
(I know it is old but I am sure it has been added to, and personally I think it is brilliant, and mostly accurate)
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
IT'S
A PURE DEAD GIVE-AWAY THAT YOU'RE SCOTTISH IF :-
1. you consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine is good
weather
2. the only sausage you like is square
3. you have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at
secondary school
4. you have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, aye, aye
right, auldjin, baltic...
5. you destroyed your teeth when you were young using Buchanan's
toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Ba
rs, Cola Cubes etc
6. you have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a 'numpty'
team like the Faroe Islands
7. you happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone
you've never met before
8. even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia ,
Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you're in a club
abroad and they play something Scottish
9. you u sed to watch Glen Michael's Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with ;
his side kick Lamp Paladin
10. you got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas
11. you can tell where another Scot is from by their accent -
"Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal."
Or "Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?", etc
12. you see cops and hear someone shout 'Errapolis'
13. you have participated in or watched people having a 'square go'
14. you know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only
want to know if you are catholic or protestant
15. you have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince 'n
tatties, Tunnock's Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen skink, Lees
Macaroon Bars, etc
16. a jakey has asked you for money
17. you think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop
keeper
18. you know the right response to 'Ye dancing ?' is 'Y'askin?' followed by
'Ahm askin' and finally 'Then ahm dancin'
19. whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of20pools of vomit as that's
what the jannies used to chuck on it at school
20. you lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt
21. you don't do shopping... you 'go the messages'
22. you're sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you
telling you a joke - and asking 'Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?' and you
respond 'Naw, not at a', yer fine. This is ma stoap, but'
23. you can have an entire phone conversation using only the words
'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'
24. you have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out
- regardless of the circumstances
25. you know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and that
seven hundred hungry weans'll testify tae that.
Furthermore you're sure that if it's butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid
is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan
26. you know that going to a party at a friend's house involves bringing
your own drink
27. your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in
Scotland while you're away
28. your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in
Prague and your mate says we'll end up losing 3-2 here and you
think "Probably"
29. you can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and
Auchtermuchty
30. your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy
31. you're used to 4 seasons in one day
32. you can't pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when your
drunk
33. you can fall about drunk without spilling your drink
34. you measure distance in minutes
35. you can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in
your own family
36. you go to Saltcoats because you think it's like being at the ocean
37. you can make a whole sentence out of just swear words
38. you know what haggis is made with and still eat it
39. somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day
date
40. you've been at a wedding where the footie results were read out
41. you aren't surprised to find curr ies, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies
and fags all for sale in one shop
42. your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it
43. you know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure
44. you understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals
45. and, finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these
terms - "How's it hingin'?", "clatty",
"boggin", "cludgie",
"dreich", "bampot", "bawheid", "baw
bag" and "dubble nugget".
snowy slopes said:
mchammer89 said:
snowy slopes said:
I would post the joke poj got banned for, but im a coward and taking the advice of kinky seriously, so sorry guys n gals but no deal!!!
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