Sean Connery Joke (Volume IV)
Discussion
The french government announced yesterday that it has raised it's terror alert level from 'run' to 'hide'. The only 2 higher levels in france are 'collaborate' and 'surrender'
God asked Jesus to try lots of drugs to help him sympathise with the modern man He asked his disciples to each find a drug and bring it to him. Mark brought LSD, Andrew brought weed and Judas, well, Judas brought the f
king drug squad!!
Peter Andre applied for a job at a coalyard, his qualifications?
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
When I was a kid, mum would send me to the shops with 50p. I could get a chicken, 2 pints of milk, a comic, 6 eggs and a pair of jeans. You can't do that these days...fking CCTV!
Fat housewife on her knees scrubbing the kitchen floor when suddenly she yells for her husband. "Charlie, come quick! I'm paralysed. I can't get up!" He comes and takes a look. "Back up you silly cow...You're kneeling on your tits!!"
Cheers
The Moose
God asked Jesus to try lots of drugs to help him sympathise with the modern man He asked his disciples to each find a drug and bring it to him. Mark brought LSD, Andrew brought weed and Judas, well, Judas brought the f
king drug squad!!Peter Andre applied for a job at a coalyard, his qualifications?
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
When I was a kid, mum would send me to the shops with 50p. I could get a chicken, 2 pints of milk, a comic, 6 eggs and a pair of jeans. You can't do that these days...f
king CCTV!Fat housewife on her knees scrubbing the kitchen floor when suddenly she yells for her husband. "Charlie, come quick! I'm paralysed. I can't get up!" He comes and takes a look. "Back up you silly cow...You're kneeling on your tits!!"
Cheers
The Moose
Glassman said:
El Guapo said:
Teacher in front of a class full of 9 year-olds asks
"Who was first to fly non-stop across the Atlantic Ocean"
A little black kid raises his hand.
"Yes Leroy..."
"That was my dad" says Leroy.
"No, it was All cock and Brown" says teacher.
"Yeah, that´s my dad!"
/?"Who was first to fly non-stop across the Atlantic Ocean"
A little black kid raises his hand.
"Yes Leroy..."
"That was my dad" says Leroy.
"No, it was All cock and Brown" says teacher.
"Yeah, that´s my dad!"
Cheers
The Moose
A woman with tiny tits goes into M&S and asks for a bra, size 32AAA. They don't do anything that small. She goes into La Senza and asks for the same. They don't do that size. After several more stores and the same answer she storms into Tesco, marches up to the lingerie section, pulls her top off and yells 'Do you have anything for these?' The assistant asks 'Have you tried Clearasil?'
Paddy' in jail, screw looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
Screw says "what the fk you doing?"
"Killing myself" says Paddy.
Screw replies "It should be around your neck."
Paddy says "I tried that but I couldn't fking breathe!!"
A lesbian went to weight-watchers, the organiser said, "Remember, you are what you eat". Lesbian said "You calling me a??"
An Irishman cleaning his rifle accidentally shoots his wife, so he dials 999...
Paddy: "It's my wife. I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her!"
Operator: "Please calm down sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead?"
...
...
...click, BANG!
Paddy: "Ok, done that. What next?"
Woman puts ad in paper. 'Lookin for man that wont hit her, wont walk away from her and he must be good in bed'.
Man arrives at the door in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. Woman says "You have no arms to hit me with. No legs to run away. But what are you like in bed?"
Man replied: "How do you think I rang the door bell??"
I have just seen Andy Murray at my local tenis club.
I said "Alright Andy. Do you fancy doubling up?"
He said "Yeah, go no then".
So I kicked the curly haired Scottish right in the bks!!
Cheers
The Moose
Paddy' in jail, screw looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
Screw says "what the f
k you doing?""Killing myself" says Paddy.
Screw replies "It should be around your neck."
Paddy says "I tried that but I couldn't f
king breathe!!"A lesbian went to weight-watchers, the organiser said, "Remember, you are what you eat". Lesbian said "You calling me a
??"An Irishman cleaning his rifle accidentally shoots his wife, so he dials 999...
Paddy: "It's my wife. I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her!"
Operator: "Please calm down sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead?"
...
...
...click, BANG!
Paddy: "Ok, done that. What next?"
Woman puts ad in paper. 'Lookin for man that wont hit her, wont walk away from her and he must be good in bed'.
Man arrives at the door in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. Woman says "You have no arms to hit me with. No legs to run away. But what are you like in bed?"
Man replied: "How do you think I rang the door bell??"
I have just seen Andy Murray at my local tenis club.
I said "Alright Andy. Do you fancy doubling up?"
He said "Yeah, go no then".
So I kicked the curly haired Scottish
right in the bks!!Cheers
The Moose
The Moose said:
Glassman said:
El Guapo said:
Teacher in front of a class full of 9 year-olds asks
"Who was first to fly non-stop across the Atlantic Ocean"
A little black kid raises his hand.
"Yes Leroy..."
"That was my dad" says Leroy.
"No, it was All cock and Brown" says teacher.
"Yeah, that´s my dad!"
/?"Who was first to fly non-stop across the Atlantic Ocean"
A little black kid raises his hand.
"Yes Leroy..."
"That was my dad" says Leroy.
"No, it was All cock and Brown" says teacher.
"Yeah, that´s my dad!"
Cheers
The Moose
HTH
Shaw Tarse said:
Mr Gearchange said:
digimeistter said:
The Moose said:
Peter Andre applied for a job at a coalyard, his qualifications?
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
I may have forwarded that on
I love it, should i put it as my facebook status?
SkinnyBoy said:
Shaw Tarse said:
Mr Gearchange said:
digimeistter said:
The Moose said:
Peter Andre applied for a job at a coalyard, his qualifications?
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
Humping slag for 4 years and carrying a heavy spade everywhere.
I may have forwarded that on
I love it, should i put it as my facebook status?
Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears...
When you're worried, no one sees your pain...
When you're happy, no one sees your smile...
But just try having a wk on a bus & see how much fking attention you get!!
P.S. Can you pick me up from the police station in an hour??
Cheers
The Moose
When you're worried, no one sees your pain...
When you're happy, no one sees your smile...
But just try having a w
k on a bus & see how much fking attention you get!!P.S. Can you pick me up from the police station in an hour??
Cheers
The Moose
WOMAN'S DIARY
21st March 2009 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 21st March 2009
Arsenal lost to Tottenham
Gutted.
Got a shag though.
21st March 2009 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 21st March 2009
Arsenal lost to Tottenham
Gutted.
Got a shag though.
4 blokes go on a hunting trip.
Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them to share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different bloke's turn.
The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Frank's turn.
Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer - a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully. His mates can't believe it.
They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night."
Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them to share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different bloke's turn.
The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Frank's turn.
Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer - a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully. His mates can't believe it.
They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night."
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.....
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke.....
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