Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
I wouldn't go to the holiday cottage if I were you, booked or not.
I can't see a happy time or outcome for you there, and it is just possible that there is another agenda. If the trust has broken down enough for you to consider a PI, then it's equally possible she may have arranged to move out in your absence.
What do you actually want?
1. Stay together as a true couple (after 7 yrs of platonic relationship, this seems like a tall ask).
2. Stay together as friends to raise the kids - you'd need to renegotiate your 'contract' with her to give you both the freedom to move on in your personal lives, find someone new.
3. Divorce - then you need to start thinking about assets, custody of the children, etc.
I think you need to sort out your finances, take legal advice, talk everything through with someone (not her) so you know where you stand and are approaching from a position of strength, rather than reacting in shock to what she does.
Perhaps you also need to think about what you are going to tell the kids, and when (I suspect they already know).
Good luck.
I can't see a happy time or outcome for you there, and it is just possible that there is another agenda. If the trust has broken down enough for you to consider a PI, then it's equally possible she may have arranged to move out in your absence.
What do you actually want?
1. Stay together as a true couple (after 7 yrs of platonic relationship, this seems like a tall ask).
2. Stay together as friends to raise the kids - you'd need to renegotiate your 'contract' with her to give you both the freedom to move on in your personal lives, find someone new.
3. Divorce - then you need to start thinking about assets, custody of the children, etc.
I think you need to sort out your finances, take legal advice, talk everything through with someone (not her) so you know where you stand and are approaching from a position of strength, rather than reacting in shock to what she does.
Perhaps you also need to think about what you are going to tell the kids, and when (I suspect they already know).
Good luck.
Edited by Carthage on Friday 17th August 15:14
singlecoil said:
It's unlikely I agree, but it's certainly a possibilty, and one you should be aware of and deal with. Once she is in and you are out, with the locks changed, the law will be firmly on her side and you will be in a bedsit. If she fails to undertake the trip but tells you to go anyway, or she leaves while you are all there, then be afraid.
IANAL but I'd have to disagree on this point based on the advice I got. You have a legal right to be in the house. Break in / get a locksmith while she is out if the locks have been changed and there's nothing she can do. A bit down said:
I'll just see how the weekend goes (we are there until Monday night). I'm really looking forward to doing fun stuff with the kids 
What about doing stuff with your wife?I notice you talk a lot about your relationship with your kids and how great it is. This is good but do you ever think your wife just feels like their mother and your housekeeper rather than your partner?
A bit down said:
Actus, if it comes to it I may ask you for some generic advice about courses of action if that's OK? I realise it's your profession so I'm not asking for freebies, just general advice on the forum about the dos and don'ts of separation.
I already have a couple of cars (one of them very much a "toy") - is it likely I would have to sell them?
Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, I'll just see how the weekend goes (we are there until Monday night). I'm really looking forward to doing fun stuff with the kids
Gladly - it's not my field, but I know a little bit about it. As to selling the cars, that's dependent on lots of things so I couldn't begin to guess - part of it is your income - if you're loaded you'll be fine I already have a couple of cars (one of them very much a "toy") - is it likely I would have to sell them?
Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, I'll just see how the weekend goes (we are there until Monday night). I'm really looking forward to doing fun stuff with the kids
Seriously it depends on the settlement you make with the wife - half of everything, in general terms, is hers, and if the kids stay with her she's entitled to maintenance. There are various caveats and so on to all of that though and they may or may not apply. 'Whose name' something is in matters not a tinker's cuss though - don't be conned by all that old s
te. Houses, cars, bank accounts, assets generally - they're yours as a couple - remember the vows you took? They're not just ceremonial - what's mine is yours is exactly what it means when you have kids. Taking £20k out of your various ISAs and then putting it in an account in just your name may not protect it unless you conceal it. But if you got caught concealing it...The same rules that apply to you apply to her remember, so try and be fair, as, judging by your posts, I imagine you will be.
Aside from the legal stuff - is it really too late? I hope not - make an effort this weekend if you want to save things - even if she has been a bit naughty (and she may not have been), it might be something you can still save. Good luck and feel free to PM.
A bit down said:
Fittster said:
Your staying together for the children.
Do you think they are unaware of the state of your relationship?
I'm sure they know it's a bit out of the ordinary but I'm also sure they would prefer that to us being apart.Do you think they are unaware of the state of your relationship?
I live three streets away from my two, they come and go as they please between both houses and it works really well. I have a fantastic relationship with them both and neither wish their mum and me were back together.
Don't get hung up on the idea of not being able to cope not living with your kids, its not easy initially, but you adapt, your relationship with them adapts. Kids can cope better than you think, with the correct suppport which I'm sure you'd give them.
singlecoil said:
It's unlikely I agree, but it's certainly a possibilty, and one you should be aware of and deal with. Once she is in and you are out, with the locks changed, the law will be firmly on her side and you will be in a bedsit. If she fails to undertake the trip but tells you to go anyway, or she leaves while you are all there, then be afraid.
I'm sorry, but what law is that? Sounds like you're misinterpreting squatter's rights to me.A bit down said:
Actus Reus said:
It certainly doesn't happen with the house, and it would massively weaken her case in case of divorce if she pulled a stunt like that. A few of the pieces of advice on here seem a bit OTT to me.
Similarly watch out for advice on hiding cash - again, if you're caught, you'll get shafted. That said by all means think about spending some of your savings on stuff she wouldn't want. Like a new trackday car.
Actus, if it comes to it I may ask you for some generic advice about courses of action if that's OK? I realise it's your profession so I'm not asking for freebies, just general advice on the forum about the dos and don'ts of separation.Similarly watch out for advice on hiding cash - again, if you're caught, you'll get shafted. That said by all means think about spending some of your savings on stuff she wouldn't want. Like a new trackday car.
I already have a couple of cars (one of them very much a "toy") - is it likely I would have to sell them?
Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, I'll just see how the weekend goes (we are there until Monday night). I'm really looking forward to doing fun stuff with the kids
1. If/when/should you divorce you will both have to disclose all you assets and then reach an agreement as to who has what. The value of all the matrimonial assets will have to go in there from her wedding ring and Great Grandma’s diamond broach to your toy car and watch collection as well as the cat, house and lawnmower.
2. The house thing – she would be very stupid to do anything but then people are never at their most rational when emotions run high (doing things like forgetting to give reg. no.s at hotel receptions and so on). With this in mind I think it is a very outside chance that she would do this – why not do it when you are away at work? – but not to be cautious given all that you have said would be brave, especially when you might well have a friend nearby who can make sure it isn’t nagging at the back of your head when she pops to the shops with the kids at noon on Sunday and seems to be taking longer than you would have thought necessary.
I've read, quite carefully I think, every post you've written OP. I've thought how you can resolve this mystery and see what she's up to and then it just struck me. Why do YOU want to be in this marriage? I admire your courage and determination to be a stable home for your children - I really do, but your not getting sex/companionship/love from this woman, she is cold and distant and you don't trust her any more. You both being unhappy WILL be picked up by the kids, I can personally promise you that. Are you happy?
I'm very sorry to hear of your marriage troubles.
I have only one little piece of advice that may or may not be useful. Before you hire a private detective, try using Find my iPhone on her phone or if you can't get to it, yours. 'Accidentally' leave your phone in a jacket pocket in her car, hide it in the boot or somewhere where she won't see it without really looking. The good thing about doing it this way is that you can make out you just left your jacket in her car if she finds it. Install Find my iPhone (comes with iPhone 4's and 4S's I think) and then access it from another iPhone or the webpage. It will pinpoint the phone and therefore her car on a map. My mate's wife is always doing it to him and located him in the pub when he was supposed to be at a client meeting!
Anyway, just an thought, if you want to get a stronger idea of whether or not she is having an affair before hiring somebody. Obviously if neither of you have an iPhone then you can't but you could get a cheap 3G to use just for this purpose. Good luck with it all.
http://www.apple.com/iphone/built-in-apps/find-my-...
I have only one little piece of advice that may or may not be useful. Before you hire a private detective, try using Find my iPhone on her phone or if you can't get to it, yours. 'Accidentally' leave your phone in a jacket pocket in her car, hide it in the boot or somewhere where she won't see it without really looking. The good thing about doing it this way is that you can make out you just left your jacket in her car if she finds it. Install Find my iPhone (comes with iPhone 4's and 4S's I think) and then access it from another iPhone or the webpage. It will pinpoint the phone and therefore her car on a map. My mate's wife is always doing it to him and located him in the pub when he was supposed to be at a client meeting!
Anyway, just an thought, if you want to get a stronger idea of whether or not she is having an affair before hiring somebody. Obviously if neither of you have an iPhone then you can't but you could get a cheap 3G to use just for this purpose. Good luck with it all.
http://www.apple.com/iphone/built-in-apps/find-my-...
Actus Reus said:
singlecoil said:
It's unlikely I agree, but it's certainly a possibilty, and one you should be aware of and deal with. Once she is in and you are out, with the locks changed, the law will be firmly on her side and you will be in a bedsit. If she fails to undertake the trip but tells you to go anyway, or she leaves while you are all there, then be afraid.
I'm sorry, but what law is that? Sounds like you're misinterpreting squatter's rights to me.We both know that once Pandora's Box is opened there will be all sorts of advice from malevolent 'friends' suggesting that she is in fear of his vicious temper, that she goad him enough just to make him say one or two words to many or take an ill-advised step forwards towards her.
cliffe_mafia said:
singlecoil said:
It's unlikely I agree, but it's certainly a possibilty, and one you should be aware of and deal with. Once she is in and you are out, with the locks changed, the law will be firmly on her side and you will be in a bedsit. If she fails to undertake the trip but tells you to go anyway, or she leaves while you are all there, then be afraid.
IANAL but I'd have to disagree on this point based on the advice I got. You have a legal right to be in the house. Break in / get a locksmith while she is out if the locks have been changed and there's nothing she can do. Catz said:
What about doing stuff with your wife?
I notice you talk a lot about your relationship with your kids and how great it is. This is good but do you ever think your wife just feels like their mother and your housekeeper rather than your partner?
I do think about this a lot and I think there is some truth to it. That is how I would feel if roles were reversed. I do always involve her and try to get her to do things but she won't go in a pool (the kids love swimming), she won't go for walks and she won't play games with the kids. All the things they want to do, she doesn't - she's not a very "playful" person. It can feel as though she's glad I'm distracting them so she can really concentrate on her phone. When we are at home at the weekend she will happily stay in bed all day on her phone while the kids and I get on with doing things. It's as though she just wants to opt out. I suspect it's because she would resent having to spend time with me.I notice you talk a lot about your relationship with your kids and how great it is. This is good but do you ever think your wife just feels like their mother and your housekeeper rather than your partner?
It's both her birthday and our wedding anniversary over the next few days which should make things interesting. The way the mind works is such a funny thing - I feel so raw over this stuff that I couldn't write "love" in her birthday card.
Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 15:35
tjob said:
No way of checking who's paid for the cottage? Joint bank account and check online, or find out where it is, and give them a call to enquire?
That is the sort of thing i'd be looking at doing, its the little details like that which will give big answers
I'm paying and I know where it is, we've been there before.That is the sort of thing i'd be looking at doing, its the little details like that which will give big answers
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