Just how much did your life change when you had children?
Discussion
aww999 said:
Things have finally started improving recently (eg in the last couple of weeks), and we are both a lot happier. However, the long-term implications of having a kid still terrify me, and with hindsight I wouldn't have had him. That sounds terrible and I feel bad for writing it, especially when he's been so charming and giggly this afternoon, but I think I mean it - for me, the bad outweighs the good a lot of the time.
It gets better. When he's talking, he will say things that will make you glad he's with you.Kids are hard work, but (illnesses like depression aside) you need ot carry on with life much as before to the extent possible. Travelling with kids is hard work, but definitely worth it, for instance.
Our son is about 14 months old.
Check him out:
Anyway, we were a bit like the OP, we enjoyed eating out regularly, lots of holidays and so on. We were a bit frustrated by some of our friends with children who literally lived their lives around their kids.
We are lucky in that her parents live pretty close, and are absolutely great with him, so in the beginning we were determined to have social life like we did before, because having the in-laws so close means this is easily possible. When he was just a couple weeks old we out for something to eat and see a film just like we did before, and we have done since, but not as much as we used to.
The real surprise is we just don't want to do things for ourselves as much as we did before, and we are as happy, or maybe happier.
When you have kids, whats important, the things you want, and the things that make you happy all change.
You will have less of everything, and you will be just as happy. Let it happen.
Check him out:
Anyway, we were a bit like the OP, we enjoyed eating out regularly, lots of holidays and so on. We were a bit frustrated by some of our friends with children who literally lived their lives around their kids.
We are lucky in that her parents live pretty close, and are absolutely great with him, so in the beginning we were determined to have social life like we did before, because having the in-laws so close means this is easily possible. When he was just a couple weeks old we out for something to eat and see a film just like we did before, and we have done since, but not as much as we used to.
The real surprise is we just don't want to do things for ourselves as much as we did before, and we are as happy, or maybe happier.
When you have kids, whats important, the things you want, and the things that make you happy all change.
You will have less of everything, and you will be just as happy. Let it happen.
aww999 said:
My little boy is almost 10 months old now.
His arrival was like a bomb going off - my wife had an absolutely terrible time during the birth, and to be frank I think we both hated him for what she went through. I felt as if I had watched her being tortured for three days, and was then expected to dote on her torturer. She has had severe post-natal depression (now being controlled), and I think I have had bouts of something similar myself. Despite being an intelligent, financially secure, solid couple, and having a baby which friends describe as "easy", we have been on the brink of divorce, adoption and even suicide.
Maybe we're not as tough or as smart or as selfless as those who found it a walk in the park, but the last ten months have been absolute hell for both of us. My wife has often been incapable of watching the kid on her own, so I have gone weeks without any break in caring for him. I've been worried sick about her, worried sick about him and his future, and resenting the pair of them for putting me in this s
tty situation when I would have been quite happy filling my simple life with maths, physics and fooling around with old cars. We have gone from having fulfilling and stimulating professional and academic lives to endless hours of mindless drudgery, waiting hand and foot on this little pointless blob.
Things have finally started improving recently (eg in the last couple of weeks), and we are both a lot happier. However, the long-term implications of having a kid still terrify me, and with hindsight I wouldn't have had him. That sounds terrible and I feel bad for writing it, especially when he's been so charming and giggly this afternoon, but I think I mean it - for me, the bad outweighs the good a lot of the time. Ask me again in a year, and hopefully I will have changed my mind about that - regardless, I have a son now and I will always be around for him whether I like it or not.
We both wish people had been more honest with us about their genuine experiences of being a parent - because of our troubles a lot of people who present a brave face in public, and appear to be perfect families, have confided that they also had a st time of it. I don't want to put you off, or try and scare you; but on paper we should have been great parents and it was very nearly the end of us. Just be aware that it is not a garden of roses, and be prepared for a lot of potentially awful stuff that NO ONE EVER WARNS YOU ABOUT!
Very brave and honest postHis arrival was like a bomb going off - my wife had an absolutely terrible time during the birth, and to be frank I think we both hated him for what she went through. I felt as if I had watched her being tortured for three days, and was then expected to dote on her torturer. She has had severe post-natal depression (now being controlled), and I think I have had bouts of something similar myself. Despite being an intelligent, financially secure, solid couple, and having a baby which friends describe as "easy", we have been on the brink of divorce, adoption and even suicide.
Maybe we're not as tough or as smart or as selfless as those who found it a walk in the park, but the last ten months have been absolute hell for both of us. My wife has often been incapable of watching the kid on her own, so I have gone weeks without any break in caring for him. I've been worried sick about her, worried sick about him and his future, and resenting the pair of them for putting me in this s
tty situation when I would have been quite happy filling my simple life with maths, physics and fooling around with old cars. We have gone from having fulfilling and stimulating professional and academic lives to endless hours of mindless drudgery, waiting hand and foot on this little pointless blob.Things have finally started improving recently (eg in the last couple of weeks), and we are both a lot happier. However, the long-term implications of having a kid still terrify me, and with hindsight I wouldn't have had him. That sounds terrible and I feel bad for writing it, especially when he's been so charming and giggly this afternoon, but I think I mean it - for me, the bad outweighs the good a lot of the time. Ask me again in a year, and hopefully I will have changed my mind about that - regardless, I have a son now and I will always be around for him whether I like it or not.
We both wish people had been more honest with us about their genuine experiences of being a parent - because of our troubles a lot of people who present a brave face in public, and appear to be perfect families, have confided that they also had a s
t time of it. I don't want to put you off, or try and scare you; but on paper we should have been great parents and it was very nearly the end of us. Just be aware that it is not a garden of roses, and be prepared for a lot of potentially awful stuff that NO ONE EVER WARNS YOU ABOUT!It is also about the most chilling loveless description of a child I have ever read
I think you should seek help before somebody gets hurt. If you are already - print out your post and take it to your counsellor/Dr/ health visitor
It doesn't get easier the challenges just change.
PS to the OP - have zero expectations of your parents - then you won't be disappointed.
Edited by oddman on Friday 12th August 21:33
Urban Sports said:
Thanks 
I think we'll be OK with that one (hopefully) we're 33 and have been together since 17.
Sounds similar to me & my GF - together since 18 & 21 and now 33 & 36 we've had our boy for nearly a year. Initially, it was a tough birth and terrifying first few days (on top of which the midwives who visited really panicked us about feeding, completely unnecessarily).I think we'll be OK with that one (hopefully) we're 33 and have been together since 17.
First three months were pretty much fine; he rarely cried and was content. After that he's been moody and happy equally; its hard when he's grumpy, over tired or whatever. There are struggles; some days he's just not happy with anything, he often won't sleep with any semblance of regularity, and mostly chucks food around rather than actually ingesting it. Its actually exhausting keeping him entertained, too.
Changes; evenings out together have been very rare (we're both miles from our families - she's literally thousands of miles, and still don't feel comfortable leaving him with others anyway). I don't miss that particularly. We've been abroad, and on road trips in the UK; I'd not want to go further than that with him at the moment as he's not a good car traveller. I'm now suffering from much more tiredness than I've ever experienced, which is getting worse for some reason, despite him sleeping fairly well at night. On an emotional level, I've noticed that I now cannot read/watch news stories about children being hurt, killed or abandoned without being very strongly affected; far more powerful than before. I certainly have periods where I fear for his future, partly due to the aforementioned media-caused irrational fears, and partly due to the responsibility/complexity of raising him to be happy and well adjusted.
Everything, though, is more than made up for by his presence. Each time he does something new, learns something, its just the greatest thing I've ever experienced. Today he's been high-fiving me. And making dog bark noises. Just awesome.
Anyway, rambling over. Good luck with parenthood, everyone.
aww999 said:
My little boy is almost 10 months old now.
His arrival was like a bomb going off - my wife had an absolutely terrible time during the birth, and to be frank I think we both hated him for what she went through. I felt as if I had watched her being tortured for three days, and was then expected to dote on her torturer. She has had severe post-natal depression (now being controlled), and I think I have had bouts of something similar myself. Despite being an intelligent, financially secure, solid couple, and having a baby which friends describe as "easy", we have been on the brink of divorce, adoption and even suicide.
Maybe we're not as tough or as smart or as selfless as those who found it a walk in the park, but the last ten months have been absolute hell for both of us. My wife has often been incapable of watching the kid on her own, so I have gone weeks without any break in caring for him. I've been worried sick about her, worried sick about him and his future, and resenting the pair of them for putting me in this stty situation when I would have been quite happy filling my simple life with maths, physics and fooling around with old cars. We have gone from having fulfilling and stimulating professional and academic lives to endless hours of mindless drudgery, waiting hand and foot on this little pointless blob.
Things have finally started improving recently (eg in the last couple of weeks), and we are both a lot happier. However, the long-term implications of having a kid still terrify me, and with hindsight I wouldn't have had him. That sounds terrible and I feel bad for writing it, especially when he's been so charming and giggly this afternoon, but I think I mean it - for me, the bad outweighs the good a lot of the time. Ask me again in a year, and hopefully I will have changed my mind about that - regardless, I have a son now and I will always be around for him whether I like it or not.
We both wish people had been more honest with us about their genuine experiences of being a parent - because of our troubles a lot of people who present a brave face in public, and appear to be perfect families, have confided that they also had a st time of it. I don't want to put you off, or try and scare you; but on paper we should have been great parents and it was very nearly the end of us. Just be aware that it is not a garden of roses, and be prepared for a lot of potentially awful stuff that NO ONE EVER WARNS YOU ABOUT!
Thanks for being so honest.His arrival was like a bomb going off - my wife had an absolutely terrible time during the birth, and to be frank I think we both hated him for what she went through. I felt as if I had watched her being tortured for three days, and was then expected to dote on her torturer. She has had severe post-natal depression (now being controlled), and I think I have had bouts of something similar myself. Despite being an intelligent, financially secure, solid couple, and having a baby which friends describe as "easy", we have been on the brink of divorce, adoption and even suicide.
Maybe we're not as tough or as smart or as selfless as those who found it a walk in the park, but the last ten months have been absolute hell for both of us. My wife has often been incapable of watching the kid on her own, so I have gone weeks without any break in caring for him. I've been worried sick about her, worried sick about him and his future, and resenting the pair of them for putting me in this s
tty situation when I would have been quite happy filling my simple life with maths, physics and fooling around with old cars. We have gone from having fulfilling and stimulating professional and academic lives to endless hours of mindless drudgery, waiting hand and foot on this little pointless blob.Things have finally started improving recently (eg in the last couple of weeks), and we are both a lot happier. However, the long-term implications of having a kid still terrify me, and with hindsight I wouldn't have had him. That sounds terrible and I feel bad for writing it, especially when he's been so charming and giggly this afternoon, but I think I mean it - for me, the bad outweighs the good a lot of the time. Ask me again in a year, and hopefully I will have changed my mind about that - regardless, I have a son now and I will always be around for him whether I like it or not.
We both wish people had been more honest with us about their genuine experiences of being a parent - because of our troubles a lot of people who present a brave face in public, and appear to be perfect families, have confided that they also had a s
t time of it. I don't want to put you off, or try and scare you; but on paper we should have been great parents and it was very nearly the end of us. Just be aware that it is not a garden of roses, and be prepared for a lot of potentially awful stuff that NO ONE EVER WARNS YOU ABOUT!Hope everything works out well
i'm going through the Roald Dahl box set with my two daughters 5.5 and 2.5. Three quarters way through Matilda, bit sad at the moment.
I think our favourite was the twits, then fantastic mr fox. Danny Champion of the World next.
It's stuff like this I appreciate the most, my parents didn't read me stories at bed time, so it's almost like re-living my childhood as I really wanted it.
It's great fun, two pals that don't give me a moments peace, but you won't want to change anything.
Life before kids seems a million miles away and quite sad really.
I think our favourite was the twits, then fantastic mr fox. Danny Champion of the World next.
It's stuff like this I appreciate the most, my parents didn't read me stories at bed time, so it's almost like re-living my childhood as I really wanted it.
It's great fun, two pals that don't give me a moments peace, but you won't want to change anything.
Life before kids seems a million miles away and quite sad really.
aww999 said:
We both wish people had been more honest with us about their genuine experiences of being a parent - because of our troubles a lot of people who present a brave face in public, and appear to be perfect families, have confided that they also had a st time of it. I don't want to put you off, or try and scare you; but on paper we should have been great parents and it was very nearly the end of us. Just be aware that it is not a garden of roses, and be prepared for a lot of potentially awful stuff that NO ONE EVER WARNS YOU ABOUT!
Brave post and refreshingly candid and honest. t time of it. I don't want to put you off, or try and scare you; but on paper we should have been great parents and it was very nearly the end of us. Just be aware that it is not a garden of roses, and be prepared for a lot of potentially awful stuff that NO ONE EVER WARNS YOU ABOUT!I've read similar sentiments elsewhere from both the mother and father. The Sunday Times recently published a very long article by a mother who shared much of your thoughts.
Hope it gets better for you and your partner.
Good luck OP, you'll most probably have a brilliant time. We have child 2 due in a few weeks. Its odd sounding advice, but don't take it all too seriously! Just relax as best you can and enjoy it. First 3 months are hardest but while standing there at 4am rocking them to sleep feels hard work, it really only happens to such an extent for a few months, which is a mere blip in the grand scheme of things.
I'd also say you should include them in your life as much as possible. We still go to car shows, races, meals out, big walks, even the football (its our 3 year old's first match with his new season ticket on Sunday). They'll really gain a lot from it, you'll enjoy seeing them enjoy it with you and it'll keep you all together rather than off doing your own things.
I find the worst behaved kids at meals out and the like are those either not used to it or whose parents are stressed out about what they might do. They pick up on your anxieties just like animals!
I'd also say you should include them in your life as much as possible. We still go to car shows, races, meals out, big walks, even the football (its our 3 year old's first match with his new season ticket on Sunday). They'll really gain a lot from it, you'll enjoy seeing them enjoy it with you and it'll keep you all together rather than off doing your own things.
I find the worst behaved kids at meals out and the like are those either not used to it or whose parents are stressed out about what they might do. They pick up on your anxieties just like animals!
I went from being a self absorbed, thankless sthead...
My partner and family reckons it has changed me for the better.
Life now consists of sleepless nights, dirty bums, waybuloo on the TV. Just heading out for an afternoon involves military planning and the car loaded to the hilt with all the kit a baby needs.
Best thing that ever happened to us and every day is full of joy.
(on a very basic level you can justify buying scalextric, train sets etc now)
thead... My partner and family reckons it has changed me for the better.
Life now consists of sleepless nights, dirty bums, waybuloo on the TV. Just heading out for an afternoon involves military planning and the car loaded to the hilt with all the kit a baby needs.
Best thing that ever happened to us and every day is full of joy.
(on a very basic level you can justify buying scalextric, train sets etc now)
Its a pretty big shock to the system, especially for the guy as he doesn't carry the baby so its pretty much normal one minute and kaboom the next.
I have 3 kids and I'm convinced no matter how much you earn your always skint! It also put quite a big strain on our relationship and we have been together forever to the point of me not actually being able to remember much about being single.
Oh you age faster too must be due to lack of sleep and living on kiddy left overs as your too tired to cook for yourself.
As my dad says when kids come in the door, love goes out the window!
Still there's plenty of good stuff too like my 5 year old daughter shouting DADDY! when I get in from work and driving on me for a cuddle!
I think if I had my time again I'd still have kids but I'd have waited a little longer before kiddy #1
Oh whatever you do don't have kids then end up getting divorced, your life will be over.
Good luck!
I have 3 kids and I'm convinced no matter how much you earn your always skint! It also put quite a big strain on our relationship and we have been together forever to the point of me not actually being able to remember much about being single.
Oh you age faster too must be due to lack of sleep and living on kiddy left overs as your too tired to cook for yourself.
As my dad says when kids come in the door, love goes out the window!
Still there's plenty of good stuff too like my 5 year old daughter shouting DADDY! when I get in from work and driving on me for a cuddle!
I think if I had my time again I'd still have kids but I'd have waited a little longer before kiddy #1
Oh whatever you do don't have kids then end up getting divorced, your life will be over.
Good luck!
It is not easy - I look back fondly on the things I miss:
1. an uninterrupted, quality night of sleep
2. free time
3. cinema / nights in the pub
4. both of us being able to work full time
We're of a similar age and similar attitude - we kind of got around to it because everyone was hinting that we should.
But then, all that pales into insignificance fairly soon after the birth (not instantly in many cases, it takes time). The first three months are a constant 'oh fk, I'm not qualified for this' stress. Life gets catastrophically changed and there ain't no going back. Then something incredible happens - the first smile, the first turn over, the first sit up, the first crawl, stand, walk, word, etc. etc. etc. NOTHING compares. Going from no kids to one kid is a huge change. 1 to 2 is a LOT easier. My eldest will be 3 in 10 days and my youngest is 7 months. We got back from a month travelling across Canada covering all of May so it doesn't have to cramp your lifestyle - and in fact it wasn't that stressful. We've changed our lifestyle to suit - I've gone to contracting and keep my Tuesdays free to look after them both (if you can manage it, I really recommend it - so many of my mates don't manage it and envy the time I get with them), the wife is back at work two days a week. Having in-laws who can help out helps loads.
Be safe in the knowledge that everyone gets that 'oh fk' moment though. You get scared, you cope, you succeed. So far, we've not broken either of them - they are surprisingly resilient.
Best of luck and keep us updated.
1. an uninterrupted, quality night of sleep
2. free time
3. cinema / nights in the pub
4. both of us being able to work full time
We're of a similar age and similar attitude - we kind of got around to it because everyone was hinting that we should.
But then, all that pales into insignificance fairly soon after the birth (not instantly in many cases, it takes time). The first three months are a constant 'oh f
k, I'm not qualified for this' stress. Life gets catastrophically changed and there ain't no going back. Then something incredible happens - the first smile, the first turn over, the first sit up, the first crawl, stand, walk, word, etc. etc. etc. NOTHING compares. Going from no kids to one kid is a huge change. 1 to 2 is a LOT easier. My eldest will be 3 in 10 days and my youngest is 7 months. We got back from a month travelling across Canada covering all of May so it doesn't have to cramp your lifestyle - and in fact it wasn't that stressful. We've changed our lifestyle to suit - I've gone to contracting and keep my Tuesdays free to look after them both (if you can manage it, I really recommend it - so many of my mates don't manage it and envy the time I get with them), the wife is back at work two days a week. Having in-laws who can help out helps loads.Be safe in the knowledge that everyone gets that 'oh f
k' moment though. You get scared, you cope, you succeed. So far, we've not broken either of them - they are surprisingly resilient.Best of luck and keep us updated.
aww999 said:
Ask me again in a year, and hopefully I will have changed my mind about that - regardless, I have a son now and I will always be around for him whether I like it or not.
<snip>
it was very nearly the end of us
Incredibly honest post, huge respect for posting it. It does get better - for us fortunately it was the first 3 months that were very tough, sounds like yours were a bit longer. We also had some tough times, although ours were at the back end of the pregnancy. Definitely caused a strain on an otherwise strong marriage.<snip>
it was very nearly the end of us
I went from drinking with mates, riding motor bikes to stay at home dad rather quickly.
Met wife, 2 weeks later engaged, 2 months later pregnant!
Our first was just Magic!
Wife had that glow and was happy all the way through, which I believe transferred to our Daughter in the womb.
It was a long painful process for the wife, but when my Daughter finally slid out, full head of hair, opened her eyes and smiled a big smile straight at me! Magic!
I did all the baby cleaning stuff and the belly button bit to give my wife a rest.
Our dog loved her from day one and would not let the midwife near her!
Then the boy arrived!
Much harder pregnancy and when he was born, I though she was going to reject him!
So I did a lot of the night stuff, often going to work with only a couple of hours sleep holding him over my shoulder rocking him! Yep I could sleep sitting up holding him as her just needed to be more upright to settle!
After a while the wife got used to him and took to him eventually.
So much so they are best friends now!
We had many years of "great times" as a family, and now they have both left home, I miss them terribly!
So make the most of them! Take loads of photos and videos!
Just remember it's not their fault, and it's not your either!
Met wife, 2 weeks later engaged, 2 months later pregnant!
Our first was just Magic!
Wife had that glow and was happy all the way through, which I believe transferred to our Daughter in the womb.
It was a long painful process for the wife, but when my Daughter finally slid out, full head of hair, opened her eyes and smiled a big smile straight at me! Magic!
I did all the baby cleaning stuff and the belly button bit to give my wife a rest.
Our dog loved her from day one and would not let the midwife near her!
Then the boy arrived!
Much harder pregnancy and when he was born, I though she was going to reject him!
So I did a lot of the night stuff, often going to work with only a couple of hours sleep holding him over my shoulder rocking him! Yep I could sleep sitting up holding him as her just needed to be more upright to settle!
After a while the wife got used to him and took to him eventually.
So much so they are best friends now!
We had many years of "great times" as a family, and now they have both left home, I miss them terribly!
So make the most of them! Take loads of photos and videos!
Just remember it's not their fault, and it's not your either!
Neilsfirst said:
I'm not going to give advice on having children, but remember that Recaro do great baby seats!
When they won't sleep and you end up driving around look for the road with the worst surface. Sends them straight to sleep.
Enjoy.
+1 to both of those.When they won't sleep and you end up driving around look for the road with the worst surface. Sends them straight to sleep.
Enjoy.
aww999 - in all seriousness get some proper help before you end up in the papers as the next Baby P case.
I'd say it depends on how prepared you are and how much you had adjusted your lifestyle to prepare. Some people run about buying new cars, moving house, panicking about childcare arrangements. It also depends on the support you have for babysitting etc.
In my case we had the house, had a suitable family car (doubles as a tow-car for track days), had the Mrs work situation sorted for childcare (she works part-time from home) so there were no massive adjustments. Neither of us are big drinkers but we do have busy social lives otherwise - I do track days, she runs and does keep fit, we both like the cars and drives, so we've worked things out that most of this is unaffected.
However things will change - voluntarily rather than forced, you will want to do things with and for the child and it does change your perspective on the world (whether you like it or not).
It can be a big strain on your marriage, but it does get better and so long as you "count to 10" and attempt to be more tolerant the baby will can make the bond between you better, unfortunately lots of couples don't have the strength/maturity to understand the cause of the tension and work through it.
It doesn't mean you have to stop being a petrolhead, with the correct research and preparation you can keep the "family express"...initially when they are too small for the upright chairs:
and then when they get a bit bigger:
In my case we had the house, had a suitable family car (doubles as a tow-car for track days), had the Mrs work situation sorted for childcare (she works part-time from home) so there were no massive adjustments. Neither of us are big drinkers but we do have busy social lives otherwise - I do track days, she runs and does keep fit, we both like the cars and drives, so we've worked things out that most of this is unaffected.
However things will change - voluntarily rather than forced, you will want to do things with and for the child and it does change your perspective on the world (whether you like it or not).
It can be a big strain on your marriage, but it does get better and so long as you "count to 10" and attempt to be more tolerant the baby will can make the bond between you better, unfortunately lots of couples don't have the strength/maturity to understand the cause of the tension and work through it.
It doesn't mean you have to stop being a petrolhead, with the correct research and preparation you can keep the "family express"...initially when they are too small for the upright chairs:
and then when they get a bit bigger:
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