Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[Vipers]

MartG said:

Did you hear about the nun who constantly obsessed over the manufacturing flaws in her outfit?

It was a bad habit.

No I didn’t but I heard about the howling and screaming coming from the nunnery in the early hours of the morning.

A local knocked on door and when the mother superior opened it he asked what was going on.

She said they were holding a vicars ball.

He said well let go so we can all get some sleep.

[MartG]

[john2443]

Evangelion said:

Banjo jokes

What's the difference between a rabbit and a banjo?
No-one slows down when they see a banjo in the middle of the road.

Why's a banjo better than a ukelele?
Banjos burn for longer.

[Evangelion]

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

No-one cries when you chop up a banjo.

[Jonboy_t]

I quite like a banjo

[Cliftonite]

Jonboy_t said:

I quite like a banjo

Me too. I couldn't eat a whole one, though.

[Laurel Green]

Cliftonite said:

Jonboy_t said:

I quite like a banjo

Me too. I couldn't eat a whole one, though.

Me too, but I wouldn't fret about it!

[V8mate]

Cliftonite said:

Jonboy_t said:

I quite like a banjo

Me too. I couldn't eat a whole one, though.

Really?

Perfect breakfast, surely? Especially with bacon.

[Halmyre]

A perfect gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo but doesn't.

[motco]

Halmyre said:

A perfect gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo but doesn't.

Likewise accordions and bagpipes.

[rayny]

Jonboy_t said:

I quite like a banjo

I prefer a quiet banjo.

[nonsequitur]

I think we are getting strung along with all this banjo talk.

[paua]

Enough with the banjo puns, I'm all dueled out - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsC4kf6x_Q0

[nonsequitur]

paua said:

Enough with the banjo puns, I'm all dueled out - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsC4kf6x_Q0

Delivered right on time.

[PixelpeepZ4]

better than violins though - those guys are always on the fiddle.

[22]

Stolen from the web, I'm guessing Viz judging by the font...

I really hate people, so the chance to avoid them during lockdown has been lovely. Now that it's coming to an end, I might just stay indoors and pretend that I didn't know it had been lifted. A bit like those Japanese soldiers found hiding in the jungle, years after the end of WW2. And claiming that I hadn't seen anything on the TV or the internet will be entirely plausible as I'm with Virgin Media.

[MartG]

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker’s interview.

"Well Mr Bond, we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other, which I think you will prefer, is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill."

BRIEF SILENCE

"Do you expect me to talk?"

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye."

[Laurel Green]

[Doofus]

Laurel Green said:

This isn't a joke. It's real, in a pub in Cornwall.

[glenrobbo]

Doofus said:

Laurel Green said:

This isn't a joke. It's real, in a pub in Cornwall.

Proper Job.