Marriage is Over....

[VinceFox]

[redacted]

[boobles]

[redacted]

[VinceFox]

[redacted]

[boobles]

[Mr Wolf]

ShyTallKnight said:

Thanks for all the kind words. I must admit I'm joking about going on the hunt for other women as I have much more pressing issues as the moment - like the kids. However, it raises a hope and a smile and I need that just now as cannot find the time to think about myself.

Unfortuantely this has all turned so fked up you couldn't write the script. Although over the weekend she admitted to the affair with 'Blokey' my spidey senses were tingling about others.

I've been a bit cute about it, taken my time and double bluffed but she also admitted that she has also been at it with a good mate of 25 years Sadly, he is married with kids. I have texted him telling him I know but left it at that.

However, the worst is yet to come. Again the spidey senses were tingling about my best friend, in fact my confidante of the last few years, the guy I would share a beer with and pour my heart out to. I asked him down to the house. He came bringing beers. I poured him a drink and told him my wife had admitted to another affair with a friend, someone we had known for many years. I then turned, looked him in the eye and asked him if there was anything he wanted to say to me. He broke down. Finally admitting to it. Amazingly I didn't beat the living st out of the fker but got the information and calmly called my wife to tell her I knew. He is married with a young child and his wife works with my wife.

Actually, we talked for some time and I told him he now needs to leave, MTFU and tell his wife everything. He did and an hour later his wife is at my door sobbing and I told her everything that I knew.

I told you it was fked up and honestly if I was reading this I'd think it was all made up. I now feel utterly drained and totally and utterly betrayed

What about the other wife? Is she, you know...worth one?

Might be good to give her a servicing to make you both feel 'beter' My car always feels better after a good ragging ans a change of fluids















Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood a touch

[fatboy69]

Du1point8 said:

fatboy69 said:

TwigtheWonderkid said:

fatboy69 said:

They decided that the sum I had been paying wasn't enough

But were they right? Had you been paying enough. Bringing up kids isn't cheap.

The amount I was paying to her, in top of me continuing to pay ALL of the household bills (mtg, council tax etc), was calculated using the CSA website so I was paying more than I should have been paying.

I know how much it costs to bring up kids - nowhere near as much as she was thieving from me each month!!!

They just decided, without any dialogue with me, that I wasn't paying enough hence I was royally shafted by the CSA. One of the most untrustworthy bunch of people I have ever dealt with.

To the point that when I was released from hospital after my road accident they actually demanded proof that I had been badly injured. They would not accept a doctors note saying they were easy to forge so they demanded too see all of my hospital notes, X-rays, etc to prove why I was two days late making one payment!

They even wanted to know at what time I was admitted to hospital!

Complete tossers who should be avoided at all costs.

Query...

Can CSA actually backdate anything? Legally I thought they could only start from the date at which the parent with custody contacts the CSA, then from that point as soon as they contact yourself, it starts from that point?

So how did they backdate anything?

They backdated it because they decided that they could. I was told that they can do almost anything that they want so they did.

wkers.

Anyway, water under the bridge now though as I am free of the money grabbing ex wife & the CSA.

[HoHoHo]

fk me, sorry about this and it's serious st to deal with

You're not alone - my best mates daughter suspected her hubby was playing around and confided in her best friend for some months, shoulder to cry on, any idea who he might be shagging etc., only to discover her hubby was poking that very best mate and had got her pregnant!

Doesn't help you I'm afraid but as I say, strange things happen in life.

[M@verick]

ShyTalkKnight said:

The latest update

Christ. Well I dont know what I was expecting but it certainly wasnt that.

I realise this is 20:20 hindsight but I think we can see now exactly what has been going on cant we ?. I very much doubt that was "depression" you were seeing in her in the past, I suspect it was *guilt* - whether her motives stem from any sort of initial depression or stress is irrelevant. Assuming she had some shred of morals left in her at the time, I can quite imagine you doing your best to support her "through her depression" and making attempts to resolve the relationship simply made her feel more and more guilty about what she was in fact doing, and that made her withdraw more and more.

Chap i feel terrible for you.

My advice now would simply be: JUST KEEP GOING. All her tears, and sorries, and guilt and anger (there will be anger behind the shame she feels at some point - i remember being told by my ex that it was my fault she cheated for some reason, something to do with me spending too much time at work) will come out now as you work through this. Its going to be ugly, and its going to be painful. As others have said, the most important things are your children and your dignity - i would add to that your mental wellbeing.
Stay distant, stay detached if you can. Make lists - down to stupid details "Look into the costs of van rental for moving" (for her not you), "look at making changes to any legal documentation, such as your will", "make a list of furniture, crockery, etc youll lose in any split - you can shop for these later". Anything and everything related to the split, just write it down and methodically work through it. Tick some more things off the list each day as you continue on.

The up side to all of this is that although there is pain now, keep reminding yourself that in 6 months, 10 months, a year whatever's time. You WILL be in a better place, and all of this WILL be history - you can look back on it with whatever emotion you choose to then, but get through it now.

Chin up.

R.

[ShyTallKnight]

M@verick said:

I realise this is 20:20 hindsight but I think we can see now exactly what has been going on cant we ?. I very much doubt that was "depression" you were seeing in her in the past, I suspect it was *guilt* - whether her motives stem from any sort of initial depression or stress is irrelevant. Assuming she had some shred of morals left in her at the time, I can quite imagine you doing your best to support her "through her depression" and making attempts to resolve the relationship simply made her feel more and more guilty about what she was in fact doing, and that made her withdraw more and more.

Yep, I sort of came to that conclusion myself earlier. What a fool I've been. Thanks for the other advice very useful. I'm writing everything down at present 'a sequence of events' if you will mainly to keep me busy but also to make sure I get it down whilst it's fresh.

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about 25 years 'mates' wife and telling her. She has a right to know but I'm torn whether to tell her myself

Oh and in response to giving my other 'mates' Mrs a damn fine rattling I don't think that would be wise even though she has a cracking pair of jubblies

[DanielSan]

ShyTallKnight said:

Yep, I sort of came to that conclusion myself earlier. What a fool I've been. Thanks for the other advice very useful. I'm writing everything down at present 'a sequence of events' if you will mainly to keep me busy but also to make sure I get it down whilst it's fresh.

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about 25 years 'mates' wife and telling her. She has a right to know but I'm torn whether to tell her myself

Oh and in response to giving my other 'mates' Mrs a damn fine rattling I don't think that would be wise even though she has a cracking pair of jubblies

Do it. If nothing else you get a night of action and your mind on other things. Plus it's more effective than beating the st out of your utter fking of a 'mate'

[poprock]

ShyTallKnight said:

… if I was reading this I'd think it was all made up. I now feel utterly drained and totally and utterly betrayed

Bloody hell.

Funny how these things are never simple. Pull at one frayed edge and the whole thing starts to unravel.

One thing’s for sure, you’ll never believe a word your wife says again.

I can’t speak for anyone else in situations like this, but for me, that was the point when a weight lifted from my shoulders. The moment I realised that I would never again 100% believe anything she told me … I stopped worrying about it. I moved on, mentally, right there and then. From that point on, it was just a case of waiting for the mechanics of breaking up to run their course and then a new life beckoned.

[z4chris99]

so your misses has been having an affair with two of your best mates??

[VinceFox]

ShyTallKnight said:

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about 25 years 'mates' wife and telling her. She has a right to know but I'm torn whether to tell her myself

this is a bit out of my area i'm afraid. my gut instinct is to tell him he has to tell her himself, but i must admit i haven't thought it through. i'd probably leave it for now, you can't un-tell someone something and being purely self serving, this may be useful to you in the future.

[poprock]

ShyTallKnight said:

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about 25 years 'mates' wife and telling her. She has a right to know but I'm torn whether to tell her myself

Are you still in contact with said ‘mate’? If so, advise him to man up and tell his wife. If he doesn’t, you might. And if you don’t mention it either, the rest of the town or village eventually will—and that’ll be the most hurtful way for her to learn about it.

Explain to your ‘mate’ that his wife is an innocent party in this, just like you, and that the truth WILL get back to her now that it’s out in the world. It’s better for him to own up than for her to hear it gossiped about second or third hand.

[A bit down]

ShyTallKnight said:

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about 25 years 'mates' wife and telling her. She has a right to know but I'm torn whether to tell her myself

I knew who the other guy was in my situation. His name, where he worked, his address, phone number, that he was married with four children under ten...

His wife didn't know what was going on and although I threatened to tell her, I didn't. For two reasons:

1) It may matter to your wife whether his life is made worse. This is good for two reasons - a) the threat of telling will give you some leverage when you are sorting out what happens next for you (although this is a card you need to play carefully), and the threat is much more powerful than the actual doing, and b) because as much as you want to, antagonising your wife now will be a bad move regarding settlement.

2) Ultimately, and far more importantly than number 1, I realised that all that matters now are my children and me. How will telling the other party's wife benefit them or me? It won't, so I'm not going to do it (although in my case, X doesn't know that I won't....).

I repeat, and I make no apologies for this - don't make any decisions based on emotion now. You will almost certainly regret them later

Edited by A bit down on Tuesday 8th January 16:46

[The jiffle king]

Hi..... Just wanted to add a comment that I hope that you realise you are the better person in all of this and that all of these people who have betrayed you are not worth it.

I would not tell the mates wife for the sole reason that it is his issue. I would tell him that you know, but given how news travels, it will get back to her, but it´s not your role and can only cause you hassle.

All the best

[tonyvid]

What an awful situation to discover and so much for mates!! OP, you have my thoughts at this stty time.

I must admit, 5 years on from my breakup I still find it hard to trust another or to let myself go in case I get hurt so much again

[M@verick]

ShyTallKnight said:

Yep, I sort of came to that conclusion myself earlier. What a fool I've been.

Dont think like that. You havent been any sort of fool. You've been getting on with the business of being a decent bloke and a father to your children. You cant be "foolish" about something you really should not be expecting to happen, you couldnt and shouldnt have to plan for this sort of thing. Sadly it does still happen seemingly at random, people are all different and often do the strangest and most hurtful things for the weirdest or most banal of reasons. She is clearly a very mixed up woman, which (apart from the involvement you have to have for your childrens sakes) is something that will very soon be her problem to deal with, not yours.

ShyTallKnight said:

Thanks for the other advice very useful. I'm writing everything down at present 'a sequence of events' if you will mainly to keep me busy but also to make sure I get it down whilst it's fresh.

You are welcome. I and everybody else on this thread Im sure wish they could do more, and many of us to varying degrees know some of what you are feeling, although your situation trumps mine by some way.

ShyTallKnight said:

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do about 25 years 'mates' wife and telling her. She has a right to know but I'm torn whether to tell her myself

Oh and in response to giving my other 'mates' Mrs a damn fine rattling I don't think that would be wise even though she has a cracking pair of jubblies

The various women involved may well have shirt potatoes to die for, but i think you are right to stay well away - dabbling would only cause you a whole other set of problems to deal with (and, although Im biased being on your side and all that - even though you would be justified, it would to some extent damage the moral high ground you currently uncontestably hold, dont damage that by finding anything else to get stuck into just yet - I cant think youll have a problem gaining any friend or relatives support, or in dealing with the CSA etc, but i would stay the bonifide Mr.Perfect for now)

I think with regard to the other women.... thats a really tough one to call. Whatever you do, I would sleep on it, and not act out of revenge on this. If you were to decide to intervene then you have to make that decision based on whether you think its the "right thing to do" for that family, as its the entire family it will affect. I am not suggesting that you grant these weapons grade cock ends some sort of amnesty to bang your ex with no-repurcussions - they sound like exactly the sort of people I would like to see dropped down a well, however its not just them you will affect by taking this into your own hands.

I think the absolute best approach - is the one you have already taken with your (so-called) best friend. Make them aware of the fallout from your situation spreading, and that as these things have a habit of doing when people work together or even live in the same hemisphere - eventually this will come back to their door, through gossip or plain old bad coincidence. On that basis it would be best for them to - in whatever way they decide to do it - fess up and tell their other half what has gone on, before someone else does.

I agree, if it was me being cheated on then i would want to know. However I think the other parties are largely going to fall into one of two camps 1) Bloke is putting it about and isnt likely to change, relationship is not good whether they admit or know that now, or 2) Bloke transgressed once and it wont happen again once he has seen what he might lose, relationship is saveable after inevitable bust up. I think if they are in situation 2 above, its more likely that they can save their relationship if they sit down and talk it through together - than it is if you intervene and drop a bombshell on them.

There are i guess a few factors to consider - do they have children ?, how long was each transgression ?, is it something you know the guy has done before ?, is the guy a wrong un ?, did his missus cheat on him ?. Many of these questions you wont even know the answer to.

I think like i say, i would sleep on it and try not to act in anger. If you think that on balance this isnt going to be a one off for the guy in question - or that there is no chance of you convincing him to have this talk with his wife himself - then maybe you step in, but i would do it in as quiet and well mannered a way as possible. Write a letter explaining that she needs to talk to her husband giving as few details as possible and let them bash the rest out together, or if you know her well take her aside to talk about your break up and somehow (god only knows how in fact) move on to her husbands involvement in that. Whatever you do - dont simply wade in and give the guy what for, to his missus - for her sake - you sound like a very measured and sensible guy though so i am sure this isnt what you had in mind.

It really really is a hard call that, harder in fact i think than what you have to do about your own situation - thats clear cut. Also its easy for me to sit behind a keyboard and think what advice to type from a position very far removed - rather than in your shoes feeling the raw emotion and being hurt, angry, shocked etc as you must rightfully be now. So if any of us on PH help you or make you think, then great - but dont let us make your mind up for you.

I sincerely hope this gets better (it will, with the passage of time).

Keep asking the questions, we are all here - with answers ranging from opinion, to smut. Both of which have equal value.

R.

[Little Lofty]

Very sorry to hear of your troubles, try and keep your chin up.
I agree with the others, telling your mates wife will probably make you feel better for a short while, but when you look back you'll probably regret it, as you seem like a decent bloke, it will also complicate matters at a time when you've got enough on your plate, do you need another upset woman on your doorstep.

[M@verick]

A bit down said:

I knew who the other guy was in my situation. His name, where he worked, his address, phone number, that he was married with four children under ten...

His wife didn't know what was going on and although I threatened to tell her, I didn't. For two reasons:

1) It may matter to your wife whether his life is made worse. This is good for two reasons - a) the threat of telling will give you some leverage when you are sorting out what happens next for you (although this is a card you need to play carefully), and the threat is much more powerful than the actual doing, and b) because as much as you want to, antagonising your wife now will be a bad move regarding settlement.

2) Ultimately, and far more importantly than number 1, I realised that all that matters now are my children and me. How will telling the other party's wife benefit them or me? It won't, so I'm not going to do it (although in my case, X doesn't know that I won't....).

I repeat, and I make no apologies for this - don't make any decisions based on emotion now. You will almost certainly regret them later

Edited by A bit down on Tuesday 8th January 16:46

^ he said it better than i did, and in less words. Dammit.

R.