Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Roger Hill and his new wife, Betty are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They drive in a rental car along a rather Deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Roger can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Roger attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree..
Moments later, Roger shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Roger knows he has to get her medical assistance.
He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Roger blurts, “Hello, my name is Roger Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone ?”
“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.” Roger brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Roger following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Roger collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Roger on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Roger and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Roger’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Roger both sit up straight ! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master ! The Hills are alive with the sound of music !”
Moments later, Roger shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Roger knows he has to get her medical assistance.
He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Roger blurts, “Hello, my name is Roger Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone ?”
“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.” Roger brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Roger following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Roger collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Roger on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Roger and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Roger’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Roger both sit up straight ! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master ! The Hills are alive with the sound of music !”
Ultra Sound Guy said:
Roger Hill and his new wife, Betty are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They drive in a rental car along a rather Deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Roger can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Roger attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree..
Moments later, Roger shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Roger knows he has to get her medical assistance.
He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Roger blurts, “Hello, my name is Roger Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone ?”
“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.” Roger brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Roger following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Roger collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Roger on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Roger and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Roger’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Roger both sit up straight ! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master ! The Hills are alive with the sound of music !”
I actually groaned out loud when I got to the end Moments later, Roger shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Roger knows he has to get her medical assistance.
He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Roger blurts, “Hello, my name is Roger Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone ?”
“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.” Roger brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Roger following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Roger collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Roger on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Roger and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Roger’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Roger both sit up straight ! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master: “Master, Master ! The Hills are alive with the sound of music !”
'Joke' teller established, in the first sentence, that it was about the Hills. It'sprettyobviousthatit's not going to go anywhere funny, so ignore the rest. Scan the last sentence, and acknowledge that you've saved yourself two minutes.
Then acknowledge that you wasted two more writing this...
Then acknowledge that you wasted two more writing this...
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his ambition to be a great gunfighter.
''Could you give me some tips?'' he asked.
The old man said, ''Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?''
'Sure will.''
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
''That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?''
''Yep,'' said the old man. ''Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw."
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?'' asked the young man.
''You bet it will,'' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!'' he exclaimed. ''I'm learnin' somethin' here. Anything else?''
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ''See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it.''
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
''No,'' said the old-timer, ''I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.''
The youngster did so. ''And will that make me a better gunfighter?'' he asked.
''No,'' said the old-timer, ''but when Wyatt Earp's finished playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
''Could you give me some tips?'' he asked.
The old man said, ''Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?''
'Sure will.''
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
''That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?''
''Yep,'' said the old man. ''Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw."
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?'' asked the young man.
''You bet it will,'' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!'' he exclaimed. ''I'm learnin' somethin' here. Anything else?''
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ''See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it.''
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
''No,'' said the old-timer, ''I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.''
The youngster did so. ''And will that make me a better gunfighter?'' he asked.
''No,'' said the old-timer, ''but when Wyatt Earp's finished playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
Evangelion said:
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his ambition to be a great gunfighter.
''Could you give me some tips?'' he asked.
The old man said, ''Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?''
'Sure will.''
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
''That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?''
''Yep,'' said the old man. ''Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw."
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?'' asked the young man.
''You bet it will,'' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!'' he exclaimed. ''I'm learnin' somethin' here. Anything else?''
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ''See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it.''
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
''No,'' said the old-timer, ''I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.''
The youngster did so. ''And will that make me a better gunfighter?'' he asked.
''No,'' said the old-timer, ''but when Wyatt Earp's finished playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
''Could you give me some tips?'' he asked.
The old man said, ''Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?''
'Sure will.''
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
''That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?''
''Yep,'' said the old man. ''Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw."
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?'' asked the young man.
''You bet it will,'' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!'' he exclaimed. ''I'm learnin' somethin' here. Anything else?''
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ''See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it.''
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
''No,'' said the old-timer, ''I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.''
The youngster did so. ''And will that make me a better gunfighter?'' he asked.
''No,'' said the old-timer, ''but when Wyatt Earp's finished playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
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