Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[glenrobbo]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

The three unwritten rules of PH fora!
1.
2.
3.

It's good to see them written down at last for all to see.







Anal Prefect? Anal C-Max? Anal Zephyr Zodiac?


Nope.

But I can see how Anal Classic would be Popular.
And Anal Thunderbird would be a sight to see!


... Anal Edsel?

Didn't this Ford thing start with a meme of a series of photos of Harrison Ford a while back?

[davhill]

Speaking of Harrison Ford.

Just to prove that very occasionally, press writers get it right, there was a piece
about 'Raiders of the lost ark' in one of the papers (The smellygraph IIRC).

Along with the now well know B&W pic of Indy in that hat with a couple of the Nazi baddies.

It was captioned. 'Hero Indiana Jones is harassed by two Luger louts.'

Made me titter at the time.

[Jonboy_t]

davhill said:

Doofus said:

Why would I run off? Is it a scary duck?

Because if it is, then I wouldn't pour water on it in the first place...

There's nothing remotely as daunting as a deliberately dampened duck.

If you don't believe me, just wait 'til you get the bill.

But then you just have to put it in a microwave to dry it off. Careful though, too long and you’ll end up with a soul singer....

[fathomfive]

Jonboy_t said:

davhill said:

Doofus said:

Why would I run off? Is it a scary duck?

Because if it is, then I wouldn't pour water on it in the first place...

There's nothing remotely as daunting as a deliberately dampened duck.

If you don't believe me, just wait 'til you get the bill.

But then you just have to put it in a microwave to dry it off. Careful though, too long and you’ll end up with a soul singer....

I find these fowl puns very withering.

[The Dangerous Elk]

fathomfive said:

I find these fowl puns very withering.

Had your feathers ruffled have you ? Go have a drink to calm Down

[48k]

Have YOU been hit by a rhythm stick?
You could be entitled to a personal Ian Dury claim.

[fathomfive]

The Dangerous Elk said:

fathomfive said:

I find these fowl puns very withering.

Had your feathers ruffled have you ? Go have a drink to calm Down

Eider done so, if I wasn't at work.

[AppleJuice]

The Dangerous Elk said:

fathomfive said:

I find these fowl puns very withering.

Had your feathers ruffled have you ? Go have a drink to calm Down

He's still cock-a-hoop about posting.

[LoonyTunes]

A Scotsman was up in court accused of shagging a cat.

The Magistrate let him off because in forty years of being on the bench, he'd never heard of a Scotsman putting anything into a kitty.

[Usget]

glenrobbo said:

Anal Prefect?

They make sure you don't run while you're doing it.

[glenrobbo]

fathomfive said:

I find these fowl puns very withering.

I keep telling them that the "Puns" thread is over there, but they won't bloody listen to me.
I wish they would all swan off!

Frankly, this Joke thread is getting to be a joke.

[glenrobbo]

Usget said:

glenrobbo said:

Anal Prefect?

They make sure you don't run while you're doing it.

Yes, I suppose it's no good to them if you're on the loose...

They don't want you becoming a stool pigeon.

[glenrobbo]

48k said:

Have YOU been hit by a rhythm stick?
You could be entitled to a personal Ian Dury claim.

Every now and then there's a glimmer of gold, and a wonderful nugget like this is revealed as you're panning through the dross.

Top work, 48k! I rate you highly on the Spectrum.

[AppleJuice]

schmunk said:

captain_cynic said:

Have you ever noticed that the model names of Fords make a lot of sense if you put "anal" in front of them.

Focus, Transit, Fiesta, Probe, Escort.

• Explorer
• Expedition
• Ranger
• Kuga
• Flex

Anal Connect

Five points for coming after the first clue.

[AppleJuice]

glenrobbo said:

Top work, 48k! I rate you highly on the Spectrum.

I thought Spectrums were 8-bit?

[Jonboy_t]

AppleJuice said:

glenrobbo said:

Top work, 48k! I rate you highly on the Spectrum.

I thought Spectrums were 8-bit?

Our spectrum is ‘a little-bit’

[glenrobbo]

AppleJuice said:

I thought Spectrums were 8-bit?

So?

[glenrobbo]

I was just wondering if the speculum is considered a digital device?

[Vipers]

48k said:

Vipers said:

simoid said:

The joke is a play on Texan accent where imPOtent sounds like important.

I personally like the other version.

A Texan was struggling in the bedroom department, so he and his wife decided he should go to the doctors. After getting an appointment, of he trotted to find out what the problem was.

Three hours later, he wandered back in to the house wearing a brand new Stetson and a pair of brand new $750 cowhide boots.

“What did the doctor say honey"

"He said I am impotent, and by golly if I am impotent Ill look impotent"

Simoid was describing the "other version".

Do we all know the other version? Playing safe, not the other version, the other version.

[mattyn1]

Vipers said:

Triple Crown winner Justify has just turned down an invitation to visit the White House.

Asked why, the Triple Crown winner said "If I wanted to see a horses ass, I would've finished second"

---

To save you scratching your heads, as I did.

https://eu.usatoday.com/story/sports/2018/06/10/ju...

I am really really surprised the dissectors have not commented on the talking horse!