Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[phazed]

MartG said:

Jonboy_t said:

A woman is running for a bus as it pulls away from the stop. She keeps running after it though, up hills, down avenues, through puddles, all the way to the next stop.

When the driver opens the door, the lady stood there, sopping wet from both sweat and rainwater, panting and out of breath. The driver says “crikey love, there would have been another bus along in 10 minutes!”

“Oh”, she said between gasps for breath, “I don’t need a bus, I just had to tell you that I’m a vegan”.

What am I missing?

[Vaud]

phazed said:

What am I missing?

A stereotype than many vegans will find the earliest possible opportunity to tell you that they are vegan, even if the conversation is not related to the topic.

[phazed]

Vaud said:

phazed said:

What am I missing?

A stereotype than many vegans will find the earliest possible opportunity to tell you that they are vegan, even if the conversation is not related to the topic.

I did not know that as well as not knowing any

[psi310398]

Vaud said:

A stereotype than many vegans will find the earliest possible opportunity to tell you that they are vegan, even if the conversation is not related to the topic.

In a similar vein to the stereotypes about fighter pilots and Yorkshiremen?

[Jonboy_t]

Red sky at night... shepherds delight

Blue sky at night... day

[Vipers]

phazed said:

Vaud said:

phazed said:

What am I missing?

A stereotype than many vegans will find the earliest possible opportunity to tell you that they are vegan, even if the conversation is not related to the topic.

I did not know that as well as not knowing any

Neither did I but I know a guy who asked how much it was to town, bus driver said 90p, so he ran along side the bus to the next bus stop, and asked the driver how much it was then, driver said £1.20

He said how come it was only 90p at the other stop.

Driver said "I am going the other way".

Maybe he said he was a vegan then, who knows,

[KrazyIvan]

Is Vipers a closet vegan.....No he can't be, there is no such thing as a "closet" vegan.

[Vaud]

Jonboy_t said:

Red sky at night... shepherds delight

Blue sky at night... day

Living in Yorkshire not far from the Lancashire border, I heard,

“Red sky at night, Lancashire is on fire”

[Usget]

Jonboy_t said:

A woman is running for a bus as it pulls away from the stop. She keeps running after it though, up hills, down avenues, through puddles, all the way to the next stop.

When the driver opens the door, the lady stood there, sopping wet from both sweat and rainwater, panting and out of breath. The driver says “crikey love, there would have been another bus along in 10 minutes!”

“Oh”, she said between gasps for breath, “I don’t need a bus, I just had to tell you that I’m a vegan”.

11/10. Best joke I've read in a long time.

[gord115]

You know what makes me laugh?

Things that I find amusing.

[Jonboy_t]

[Evangelion]

That's going straight on my FB page! One of my friends is an ex-girlfriend who has recently become an extremely bigoted religious fanatic*, and that will p!55 her off no end.

• Which is a joke in itself, remembering what a right little slapper she was in the 70s.

[B'stard Child]

derektrimblitz said:

B'stard Child said:

Sticks. said:

Vipers said:

Guy bought new Ford Focus.

Pal says "What do you call it"

He says "Clitoris"

Pal says "Why"

He says " Because every s got one"

When I first heard that joke it was a red XR3i. Not that it's old or anything

I remember it with an XR3 - no "i"

Closely followed by the hedgehog alternative

That’s nothing

I remember it when it was Mk2 Escorts

to be fair it was actually true at that time..... Even I had a MKII Escort............

My brother had one in the 90's - 2 door 1.3 automatic - I said to him let me know when you want rid I'll find a home for it (ziebarted shell)






He scrapped it for £50

Idiot!!!!

[K12beano]

That’s the trouble with a Chinese tariff

45 minutes and you fancy another one

[cobra kid]

psi310398 said:

In a similar vein to the stereotypes about fighter pilots and Yorkshiremen?

Guilty as charged (Yorkshireman).

[Halmyre]

psi310398 said:

Vaud said:

A stereotype than many vegans will find the earliest possible opportunity to tell you that they are vegan, even if the conversation is not related to the topic.

In a similar vein to the stereotypes about fighter pilots and Yorkshiremen?

I don't know how that chimes with the section in the Yorkshireman's Constitution* that goes "hear all, see all, say nowt".

* for the uninformed:
Hear all, see all, say nowt
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt
And if tha ever does owt for nowt
Do it for thy sel'

[Frank7]

Halmyre said:

I don't know how that chimes with the section in the Yorkshireman's Constitution* that goes "hear all, see all, say nowt".

* for the uninformed:
Hear all, see all, say nowt
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt
And if tha ever does owt for nowt
Do it for thy sel'

Well, that was quite easy to translate in my head, but I’m sure that it’s just a sweeping generalisation, and that there’s a whole slew of Yorkshiremen who don’t subscribe to it.
Although it does explain the bad vibes, and sense of foreboding that I get, if I venture north of Highgate.

[Halmyre]

Frank7 said:

Halmyre said:

I don't know how that chimes with the section in the Yorkshireman's Constitution* that goes "hear all, see all, say nowt".

* for the uninformed:
Hear all, see all, say nowt
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt
And if tha ever does owt for nowt
Do it for thy sel'

Well, that was quite easy to translate in my head, but I’m sure that it’s just a sweeping generalisation, and that there’s a whole slew of Yorkshiremen who don’t subscribe to it.

It's possible they don't all share such a free and easy outlook.

[familyguy1]

Everyone asks me what I'll be doing in 2 years. I tell them every time, I don't have 2020 vision!

[Doofus]

familyguy1 said:

Everyone asks me what I'll be doing in 2 years. I tell them every time, I don't have 2020 vision!

I feel bad now, because I've never asked you.