Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Still Mulling]

[hairy v]

[Alpacaman]

A man goes to confession and says to the Priest " Father, I am 75 years old and I have been married for 50 years. All those years I have been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with a 19 year old."
The Priest asked the man" When was the last time you made a confession?"
The man said "Never, I'm Jewish"
The Priest replied "Then why are you telling me all this?"
"Oh, I'm telling everyone" the man says.

[Earl of Hazzard]

[Alpacaman]

A friend of mine went bald a few years back, but he still carries an old comb with him.
He just can't part with it.

[Jonquil]

"She's the perfect lady," he said.
"Always immaculately turned out, beautifully
behaved and only swears when it slips out."

[Pixelpeep Electric]

I really hate Russian Dolls, they are just so full of themselves

[Alpacaman]

A Genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy"

Now I am living in a cottage with six dwarves and working in a mine.

[GloverMart]

The world record holding dodgeball champion has passed away.

He'll be missed by everyone.

[Monkeylegend]

My other half asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said to be honest I didn't even realise he played cricket.

[Master Of Puppets]

What do you call a Virgin Yeti?

A not Yeti.

[CourtAgain]

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

[CopperBolt]

Had my paintballing exam this weekend. Passed with flying colours.

[Kenty]

Last week I went to the gym for the first time in a long time.

I asked a very muscular trainer, "Excuse me, but which one of these machines will help you get the best looking women?"

He said, "The ATM outside."

[simonrockman]

[john2443]

[silverfoxcc]

I recall many years ago not being able to pay my electricity bills



They were dark days indeed




Even though i have lost all my hair, i still have my comb

I just cannot part with it

[bristolbaron]

silverfoxcc said:

Even though i have lost all my hair, i still have my comb

I just cannot part with it

You must be mates with Alpacaman!

[Muntu]

I went to the doctor's yesterday and told him I was suffering from premature ejaculation

The doctor said " this must be very stressful for your wife?"

"To be honest" I replied, "it's getting on her tits"

[Alpacaman]

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day.

It was impossible to put down.