Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A man walked into a pub. He was carrying a suitcase and a cat carrier.
On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
Jonquil said:
A man walked into a pub. He was carrying a suitcase and a cat carrier.
On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
And the barman fainted...On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
And that's when the fight started...
Etc....
king pizza."
Two PHers were sat talking, their conversation drifted from cars to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never make any of the recipes."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"Nope"
"You couldn't get all the ingredients?"
"Nope"
"You didn't have enough time?"
"Nope"
"Well, what then?"
"Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'."
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never make any of the recipes."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"Nope"
"You couldn't get all the ingredients?"
"Nope"
"You didn't have enough time?"
"Nope"
"Well, what then?"
"Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'."
Jonquil said:
A man walked into a pub. He was carrying a suitcase and a cat carrier.
On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
I can see why you copy n pasted that, it wasn’t worth the effort of typing… On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
Legacywr said:
Jonquil said:
A man walked into a pub. He was carrying a suitcase and a cat carrier.
On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
I can see why you copy n pasted that, it wasn’t worth the effort of typing… On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
Frimley111R said:
Jonquil said:
A man walked into a pub. He was carrying a suitcase and a cat carrier.
On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
And the barman fainted...On the suitcase, in fancy lettering was written, 'Tom, the Amazing Musical Cat.'
The man asked the barman if he'd let the cat busk on the bar.
Thinking of possible extra drinks sales, the barman says, "Sure."
From the suitcase, the man takes out a small grand piano, a piano stool and a hat.
He puts these on the bar and getsTom the cat from the carrier and sits
him on the stool. He puts the hat by the piano.
Tom goes into his repertoire. Brahms, Mozart, Rachmaninoff - you name it, he plays it.
He's 100% note perfect and plays with all the expression of any concert pianist.
Of course, the hat is soon full of money, mostly paper money from the appreciative pubgoers.
The barman says, "That's fantastic, Come in every night and we'll split the money. I think we could
get more though. Have you ever thought of having him orchestrated?
The door slowly swung closed after crashing into the porch wall. Tom the cat
was never seen again.
And that's when the fight started...
Etc....
A passing strange fate did befall London town in the year 1789: A sea serpent swam upriver from the ocean into the very heart of the city. Lurking beneath London Bridge, it would dart forth from the waters with its sinuous serpentine neck, seizing sailors from their ships and pedestrians from the bridge. None knew just when or where the serpent would strike next, and the very existence of London seemed imperiled. . .
Until a brave Yeoman Warder vowed to defend his home against the saurian menace. Mounting guard upon the bridge, he waited tirelessly. . . until he spied the beast’s foul head emerging from the river. There was not a moment to lose. The Warder seized his trusty arquebus and unerringly sent a leaden projectile through the monster’s left ventricle. Thrashing and bellowing, the creature soon expired.
The Warder was hailed as a hero—but the Lord Mayor pointed out that the prodigious corpse of the serpent would surely start to putrefy, sickening the citizenry with miasmas and noxious vapors.
“Fear not,” said the Warder. “I am not merely a Yeoman Warder, but I also own a butcher shop in Threadneedle Street. I shall take this creature’s corpse and make its flesh into delicious sausage.”
And so it was done. And years later, these prodigious events inspired Charles Dickens to pen the immortal words. . . “It was the beast of Thames; it was the wurst of Thames.”
Thank you very much.
Until a brave Yeoman Warder vowed to defend his home against the saurian menace. Mounting guard upon the bridge, he waited tirelessly. . . until he spied the beast’s foul head emerging from the river. There was not a moment to lose. The Warder seized his trusty arquebus and unerringly sent a leaden projectile through the monster’s left ventricle. Thrashing and bellowing, the creature soon expired.
The Warder was hailed as a hero—but the Lord Mayor pointed out that the prodigious corpse of the serpent would surely start to putrefy, sickening the citizenry with miasmas and noxious vapors.
“Fear not,” said the Warder. “I am not merely a Yeoman Warder, but I also own a butcher shop in Threadneedle Street. I shall take this creature’s corpse and make its flesh into delicious sausage.”
And so it was done. And years later, these prodigious events inspired Charles Dickens to pen the immortal words. . . “It was the beast of Thames; it was the wurst of Thames.”
Thank you very much.
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