Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Tony 1234]

Jonboy_t said:

The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q.

They've been to Bathgate, no mower. Linwood, no mower. Irvine, no mower.

now that was good

[phazed]

Tony 1234 said:

Jonboy_t said:

The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q.

They've been to Bathgate, no mower. Linwood, no mower. Irvine, no mower.

now that was good

That almost made me look for the album that I have somewhere and haven’t played since about a week after I bought it what was I thinking!

[anonymous-user]

james-witton said:

At a recent international athletics event I saw a guy carrying a very long equipment bag.

I went up to him and asked “Are you a pole vaulter?”

He replied, “Nein, I am German. But how do you know my name?”.

Circa 1982
As is this that nearly killed my (late) grandad:-

2 prostituted chatting
'have you been picked up by the fuzz?'
'No, but i've been swung about by the tits a few times'

[Jonboy_t]

phazed said:

Tony 1234 said:

Jonboy_t said:

The Proclaimers' lawn is getting out of control and they are blaming B&Q.

They've been to Bathgate, no mower. Linwood, no mower. Irvine, no mower.

now that was good

That almost made me look for the album that I have somewhere and haven’t played since about a week after I bought it what was I thinking!

The ironic thing about that joke is that I work for B&Q and I’m pretty sure there’s no store in Bathgate or Linwood!

[Shuvi McTupya]

Jonboy_t said:

The ironic thing about that joke is that I work for B&Q and I’m pretty sure there’s no store in Bathgate or Linwood!

Don't talk to me about B&Q, I am stilled banned after that decking incident..

[mickk]

Shuvi McTupya said:

Jonboy_t said:

The ironic thing about that joke is that I work for B&Q and I’m pretty sure there’s no store in Bathgate or Linwood!

Don't talk to me about B&Q, I am stilled banned after that decking incident..

Did the store manager take a fence?

[K12beano]

[Nom de ploom]

he was reading a poem but didn't like the timbre


/tenuous

[Frimley111R]

Vipers said:

Gargamel said:

Vipers said:

That picture reminds me of the billionaire who threw a party for his daughters 21st birthday present.

After a few rounds of drinks, the billionaire said "OK folks, I have a pet shark in that there pool, and if anyone who can swim the length of the pool without being caught can have my daughters hand in marriage"

A coloured chappie jumped in and swam like hell, beating the shark to the other end of the pool.

The billionarie was impressed and says "Well done sir, you may have my daughters hand in marriage"

The coloured chappie said "Sir, I dont want your daughters hand in marriage, I just want to catch the barstard who pushed me in"

Works just as well without the racism.

Indeed it does.

'Coloured chappie'

It's not racist though.

[Gargamel]

I have been suffering with kleptomania recently. When it get's really bad I take something for it.

[Doofus]

Gargamel said:

I have been suffering with kleptomania recently. When it get's really bad I take something for it.

A liberal dose of apostrophes, presumably.

[captain_cynic]

Frimley111R said:

'Coloured chappie'

It's not racist though.

That would be a matter of debate... but it was entirely pointless as it really was redundant and actually made the joke less funny (well less smirk-worthy).

[Shuvi McTupya]

mickk said:

Did the store manager take a fence?

Well since you ask

I simply asked a store assistant if they had any timber i could use as outside flooring and he got all aggressive and said "you want decking mate?"

So i got the first punch in.

[PixelpeepS3]

I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

[mickk]

captain_cynic said:

Frimley111R said:

'Coloured chappie'

It's not racist though.

That would be a matter of debate... but it was entirely pointless as it really was redundant and actually made the joke less funny (well less smirk-worthy).

It would have been okay in the '70s, I think that's when I first heard it.

[Tony 1234]

Frimley111R said:

Vipers said:

Gargamel said:

Vipers said:

That picture reminds me of the billionaire who threw a party for his daughters 21st birthday present.

After a few rounds of drinks, the billionaire said "OK folks, I have a pet shark in that there pool, and if anyone who can swim the length of the pool without being caught can have my daughters hand in marriage"

A coloured chappie jumped in and swam like hell, beating the shark to the other end of the pool.

The billionarie was impressed and says "Well done sir, you may have my daughters hand in marriage"

The coloured chappie said "Sir, I dont want your daughters hand in marriage, I just want to catch the barstard who pushed me in"

Works just as well without the racism.

Indeed it does.

'Coloured chappie'

It's not racist though.

Indeed it's not, however imo some people see racist content in anything!!

[Doofus]

Tony 1234 said:

Indeed it's not, however imo some people see racist content in anything!!

If they look hard enough

[schmunk]

Tony 1234 said:

Frimley111R said:

Vipers said:

Gargamel said:

Vipers said:

That picture reminds me of the billionaire who threw a party for his daughters 21st birthday present.

After a few rounds of drinks, the billionaire said "OK folks, I have a pet shark in that there pool, and if anyone who can swim the length of the pool without being caught can have my daughters hand in marriage"

A coloured chappie jumped in and swam like hell, beating the shark to the other end of the pool.

The billionarie was impressed and says "Well done sir, you may have my daughters hand in marriage"

The coloured chappie said "Sir, I dont want your daughters hand in marriage, I just want to catch the barstard who pushed me in"

Works just as well without the racism.

Indeed it does.

'Coloured chappie'

It's not racist though.

Indeed it's not, however imo some people see racist content in anything!!

OK - to turn it around, what does "coloured chappie" add to the joke?

[Doofus]

schmunk said:

OK - to turn it around, what does "coloured chappie" add to the joke?

Well, without him, there's no punchline.

[captain_cynic]

Doofus said:

Well, without him, there's no punchline.

Erm... The points over here... What does his colour add to the joke?

At best, we can say its pointless filler and added nothing. At worst, the poster was trying to get a cheap laugh from casual racism. In either scenario, it made the joke worse (and wasn't a particularly good joke to begin with).