Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[EarlOfHazard]

Filton-flyer said:

I went to a restaurant last night and ordered Oasis soup.......

You got a roll with it!

But you've got to take your thyme.

[GloverMart]

I went to the doctors this morning.

I said "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket!" The doctor said "What do you mean?"

I said "Well, on Mondays I wake up and think I'm Tesco's, on Tuesday I wake up and think I'm Morrisons, on Wednesday I wake up and think I'm Sainsburys!"

That's strange", said the doctor "so how long has this been going on?"

"For ages" I said, "in fact ever since I was Lidl."

[PixelpeepS3]

took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and we started playing footsie under the table, things were getting a little sexual.

anyway, I had the steak, she got toed in the hole.

[Laurel Green]

[Frimley111R]

[stuartmmcfc]

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

[Trophy Husband]

"Mr Connery, what is your favourite game and when are you next playing?"

"Tennish at tennish."

[AppleJuice]

Trophy Husband said:

"Mr Connery, what is your favourite game and when are you next playing?"

"Tennish at tennish."

At the beginning of Volume IX HA51EMT said:

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says:
"Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning about 10ish"
To which Sean replies:
"Tennish? I don't even have a racquet"

[Vipers]

AppleJuice said:

Trophy Husband said:

"Mr Connery, what is your favourite game and when are you next playing?"

"Tennish at tennish."

At the beginning of Volume IX HA51EMT said:

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says:
"Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning about 10ish"
To which Sean replies:
"Tennish? I don't even have a racquet"

Think may have been in vol 1.

[Ultra Sound Guy]

Cialis, for footballers who can only manage a semi!

[Trophy Husband]

Two goldfish in a tank.

One says to the other " I hope you can drive this thing!!"

[tezzer]

I'd heard that she has asked for a foreign dive team to get her out a deep hole.

[LoonyTunes]

It looks like there was an evening of rejoicing in that dark foreign land last night, with drinking and singing in an incomprehensible tongue whilst they celebrated England's defeat.





I hate Scotland.

[Superflow]

Work has begun on a new version of three lions anthem for the next World Cup.

They just need something that rhymes with 'Fifty Six Years'

Meanwhile Polish fans have gone on the rampage in Russia,police say so far 350 cars have been washed,polished and hoovered.

[K12beano]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

I heard she was in the queue for “Build-a-Bear” in the hope of increasing her cabinet’s IQ....

[Ayahuasca]

Superflow said:

Work has begun on a new version of three lions anthem for the next World Cup.

They just need something that rhymes with 'Fifty Six Years'.

Nothing rhymed with '30 years' in the original version, so why would they need something to rhyme with '56 years' ?

[LordGrover]

Scans...

[Nom de ploom]

mickk said:

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

sounds oddly familiar...

[Superflow]

Ayahuasca said:

Nothing rhymed with '30 years' in the original version, so why would they need something to rhyme with '56 years' ?

English tears ?

[mickk]

Superflow said:

Ayahuasca said:

Nothing rhymed with '30 years' in the original version, so why would they need something to rhyme with '56 years' ?

English tears ?

Lineker's ears?