Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Russian Troll Bot]

My wife told me that sex is so much better on holiday



If I'm honest, it wasn't the best postcard I've ever received

[Superflow]

mickk said:

Superflow said:

Ayahuasca said:

Nothing rhymed with '30 years' in the original version, so why would they need something to rhyme with '56 years' ?

English tears ?

Lineker's ears?

haha like it.I reckon an enterprising Croatian could knock up a pretty funny version with a little effort.

[silverfoxcc]

Just seen Dolly Partons Tour Bus

[Ultra Sound Guy]

"Knock, knock!"
"Who's there? "
"Dishes!"
"Dishes who?"
"Dishes Sean Connery! "

[EarlOfHazard]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

"Knock, knock!"
"Who's there? "
"Dishes!"
"Dishes who?"
"Dishes Sean Connery! "

Hahaha

[iwantagta]

I went to see my grandfather not long before he died. He asked us to spread lard on his back. He went downhill very quickly after that

[The Dangerous Elk]

iwantagta said:

I went to see my grandfather not long before he died. He asked us to spread lard on his back. He went downhill very quickly after that

coffee 2 keyboard

[Vaud]

iwantagta said:

I went to see my grandfather not long before he died. He asked us to spread lard on his back. He went downhill very quickly after that

Reminds me of the classic

"I want to die like my grandfather, in my sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers"

[Sticks.]

We call our Grandad Spiderman. Not because he's got superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

[mickk]

[The Dangerous Elk]

this is costing me !, I must have an old ps keyboard somewhere

[funkyrobot]

One of my oldest childhood memories of my grandma was when she had a stroke.

I was in the bath at the time.

She had such soft hands.

[cookmysock]

my grandad got burnt pretty badly the other day.

They don't fk around at the crematorium

[LoonyTunes]

I'd be surprised if that joke lasts 10 minutes.

I'd give you about 20 minutes.

[funkyrobot]

LoonyTunes said:

I'd be surprised if that joke lasts 10 minutes.

I'd give you about 20 minutes.

It'll still last longer than grandad.

[Vaud]

funkyrobot said:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkyCrx4DyMk

[PixelpeepS3]

we're all going to hell.

[mickk]

My wife came home from work last night and said her Director had showed her his willy at work today.

She went on to say 'It reminded me of a peanut'

With a smile I said 'Was it small?'

'No' she replied 'Salty'

[The Ferret]

A young boy walks up to his mother and says "Mummy, Granny's got a prawn". The mum looks at her son and asks "What are you on about" to which her child replies "Granny's got a prawn"

A bit confused, the mother says "You'll just have to show me".

The son leads his mother in to the front room where on the sofa Granny is sleeping with her legs wide open. The boy points and says "Mummy, Granny's got a prawn!".

The mother suddenly realises what he's seen, begins to laugh, and says "Son, that's not Grannies prawn, that's her clitoris

To which the son replies "Well it tastes like a prawn"

[sinbaddio]

silverfoxcc said:

Just seen Dolly Partons Tour Bus

Took me a moment, but then