Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
At The Cinema
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I need a wee, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her pants down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a s
t instead.
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I need a wee, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her pants down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a s
t instead.
A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her over there, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and handed the Corvette’s keys to the old man. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Daddy, Happy Father’s day.”
Once again ... don’t mess with seniors!!
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her over there, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and handed the Corvette’s keys to the old man. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Daddy, Happy Father’s day.”
Once again ... don’t mess with seniors!!
Vipers said:
Depends on your sense of humour I suppose.
Indeed, I would also add that merely repeating the first line as the last line of a limerick rather destroys any humour too.Many years ago, a friend of mine bet me I couldn't write a clean limerick with a the first line, 'There was a young lady called Hunt,' so the next day I gave him the following:
There was a young lady called Hunt,
Who was not very big at the front.
She said that the cause
Was pulling on oars,
While lying face-down in a punt.
I won my bet.
(That last line is just for you, Vipers.)
Evangelion said:
Vipers said:
Depends on your sense of humour I suppose.
Indeed, I would also add that merely repeating the first line as the last line of a limerick rather destroys any humour too.Many years ago, a friend of mine bet me I couldn't write a clean limerick with a the first line, 'There was a young lady called Hunt,' so the next day I gave him the following:
There was a young lady called Hunt,
Who was not very big at the front.
She said that the cause
Was pulling on oars,
While lying face-down in a punt.
I won my bet.
(That last line is just for you, Vipers.)
There was an old man, who sat on a rock
waving and shaking his big hairy
fist at his neighbour's who sat in a rix teaching their children to play with their
hopscotch and all things galore, when along came a lady who walked like duck, she said she had invented a new way to
educate children to sew and knit, while the boys were in the farmyard shovelling up
hay.
Vipers said:
Similiar to something I recall from many years ago, but I have absolutely idea what a rix is.
There was an old man, who sat on a rock
waving and shaking his big hairy
fist at his neighbour's who sat in a rix teaching their children to play with their
hopscotch and all things galore, when along came a lady who walked like duck, she said she had invented a new way to
educate children to sew and knit, while the boys were in the farmyard shovelling up
hay.
This rang a bell so...There was an old man, who sat on a rock
waving and shaking his big hairy
fist at his neighbour's who sat in a rix teaching their children to play with their
hopscotch and all things galore, when along came a lady who walked like duck, she said she had invented a new way to
educate children to sew and knit, while the boys were in the farmyard shovelling up
hay.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqxa03Abo3U
davhill said:
Vipers said:
Similiar to something I recall from many years ago, but I have absolutely idea what a rix is.
There was an old man, who sat on a rock
waving and shaking his big hairy
fist at his neighbour's who sat in a rix teaching their children to play with their
hopscotch and all things galore, when along came a lady who walked like duck, she said she had invented a new way to
educate children to sew and knit, while the boys were in the farmyard shovelling up
hay.
This rang a bell so...There was an old man, who sat on a rock
waving and shaking his big hairy
fist at his neighbour's who sat in a rix teaching their children to play with their
hopscotch and all things galore, when along came a lady who walked like duck, she said she had invented a new way to
educate children to sew and knit, while the boys were in the farmyard shovelling up
hay.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqxa03Abo3U
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Jonboy_t said:
NEVER, ever forget your punctuation. It can be utterly vital in a sentence, for example;
There’s a Maypole dancer!
Or,
Theresa May, pole dancer!
In exactly the same way a there's a world of difference between:There’s a Maypole dancer!
Or,
Theresa May, pole dancer!
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
and
helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Evangelion said:
In exactly the same way a there's a world of difference between:
Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
and
helping your uncle jack off a horse.
A work colleague had just parked her car, an elderly male driver made a mistake and his car lunged forwards and became stuck on the towing hitch of my colleagues car. Neither could move.Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
and
helping your uncle jack off a horse.
I asked her what did she do next.
'Tony had to come and jack him off'
Oh how we laughed.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff