Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

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anonymous-user

56 months

Friday 27th December 2019
quotequote all
I lost my job at the calendar factory - all I had done was take a day off.

Newc

1,900 posts

184 months

Friday 27th December 2019
quotequote all
Met up with a good friend over the weekend, and we were reminiscing about family and good times in the past.

"I'll never forget" I said, "when you came rushing out into the hallway that night 12 years ago. 'It's a boy, it's a boy' you were shouting. What a night!".

"Yes" he replied, "I've not been back to Bangkok since".

anonymous-user

56 months

Friday 27th December 2019
quotequote all
Newc said:
Met up with a good friend over the weekend, and we were reminiscing about family and good times in the past.

"I'll never forget" I said, "when you came rushing out into the hallway that night 12 years ago. 'It's a boy, it's a boy' you were shouting. What a night!".

"Yes" he replied, "I've not been back to Bangkok since".
rofl

anonymous-user

56 months

Friday 27th December 2019
quotequote all
The wife’s doctor told her she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

I got the divorce papers today.

MG-Steve

707 posts

194 months

Friday 27th December 2019
quotequote all
Did you know pigeons die when they have sex?

Well, the one I fked did...

MartG

20,771 posts

206 months

Saturday 28th December 2019
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MG-Steve said:
Did you know pigeons die when they have sex?

Well, the one I fked did...
That's why you have to wrap them in sellotape first, to stop them splitting...

The Li-ion King

3,769 posts

66 months

Saturday 28th December 2019
quotequote all
V6 Pushfit said:
I lost my job at the calendar factory - all I had done was take a day off.
My sister lost her job at Alton Towers, but got a decent payout as the Tribunal upheld her claim of Funfair Dismissal.

nonsequitur

20,083 posts

118 months

Saturday 28th December 2019
quotequote all
GloverMart said:
Just chatting to my local policeman about crime in the area.

He said there was a bloke arrested in my local High Street last night for singing Elton John songs very badly and may go to jail!

He continued "I don't know how long he'll get but I think it's gonna be a long, long time!"
I hope the judge had mercy on the criminal.

Abbott

2,496 posts

205 months

Saturday 28th December 2019
quotequote all
V6 Pushfit said:
Went to the sperm bank yesterday - the nurse asked me to masturbate in the cup.

I said I might be pretty good at it but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.
rofl

anonymous-user

56 months

Saturday 28th December 2019
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Ever since we bought a water bed my wife and I have been drifting apart

The Li-ion King

3,769 posts

66 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
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V6 Pushfit said:
Ever since we bought a water bed my wife and I have been drifting apart
Due to ongoing bankruptcy issues, Katie Price couldn’t pay her water bill anymore.

I sent her a Get Well Soon card.


Ultra Sound Guy

28,691 posts

196 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
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Gary Glitter has been spotted on the way to Florida for a family holiday.
Yes, he’s going to Tampa with the kids!

anonymous-user

56 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
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Ultra Sound Guy said:
Gary Glitter has been spotted on the way to Florida for a family holiday.
Yes, he’s going to Tampa with the kids!
rofl Terrible

JulianPH

10,026 posts

116 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
quotequote all
V6 Pushfit said:
The wife’s doctor told her she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

I got the divorce papers today.
rofl


anonymous-user

56 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
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A woman asked me last night if I prefer thighs or breasts. I told her I like shaved pussies and anal.
Apparently, this isn't an appropriate answer at KFC

Edited by anonymous-user on Sunday 29th December 19:46

GloverMart

11,948 posts

217 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
quotequote all
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.

Doofus

26,449 posts

175 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
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GloverMart said:
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.
hehe

glenrobbo

35,563 posts

152 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
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GloverMart said:
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.
Now that ^ ^ ^ ^ is how it's done!

Well done Sir! clapbow


Perhapsh shubshtituting "sh" in plashe of the "s"sh would have made it a bit more Sean Connery-ish, but that would jusht be nit-picking...

GloverMart

11,948 posts

217 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
quotequote all
glenrobbo said:
GloverMart said:
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.
Now that ^ ^ ^ ^ is how it's done!

Well done Sir! clapbow


Perhapsh shubshtituting "sh" in plashe of the "s"sh would have made it a bit more Sean Connery-ish, but that would jusht be nit-picking...
thumbup

The Li-ion King

3,769 posts

66 months

Sunday 29th December 2019
quotequote all
GloverMart said:
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.
rofl
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