Marriage is Over....
Discussion
I'm OK thanks. My boss has been very understanding of my situation and he has been badgering me to change roles since last year. I've decided to go for it and I'm now on quite a steep learning curve which gives me a lot of focus - a good thing as it keeps my mind positive.
I've settled into the "single for half the week" life well now and my time with the children for the other half is great.
I'm still not ready to re-enter the dating scene as it seems to be a bit of a melee so I'll just see how things develop for me over the next few months.
I'm also lighter, fitter and stronger than I've been since I was 20!
Hopefully things have settled down a bit for STK and he's on the upward curve....
I've settled into the "single for half the week" life well now and my time with the children for the other half is great.
I'm still not ready to re-enter the dating scene as it seems to be a bit of a melee so I'll just see how things develop for me over the next few months.
I'm also lighter, fitter and stronger than I've been since I was 20!
Hopefully things have settled down a bit for STK and he's on the upward curve....
I'm having good days and bad days to be honest but am keeping myself occupied as best I can. Im certainly not a blubbering wreck - wouldnt give her the satisfaction..!! Work is a great distraction especially when i dont have the kids but she's gone now and I am just getting used to the new routine. We have agreed what days we have the kids (50:50) and they seem to be coping with the change quite well (early days I know) but my daughter speaks quite enthusiastically about the 'new house' so that's good.
I've had a couple of wobbles which could have got me into some bother but managed to give my head a shake. I have the moral high ground and I must be the bigger man. Decided to visit the Drs who was great by the way ( and single and quite cute lol). She suggested I would benefit from some counselling so ive made some enquiries and will act upon it. I'm conscious I maybe a ticking time bomb but as others have said I just need some space and time and all being well things will get easier as each day passes.
I'm also very fortunate that I do have some great family and friends who have been very supportive and are a sympathetic ear. Also thanks for the pm's it is appreciated.
My focus must remain being the best Dad i can for my kids sake but I also need to spend some 'me' time. Currently planning a couple of holidays so that's something positive to look forward to. I might even get down the gym next week. Anyway, onwards and upwards.
Also thanks for the wikivorce recommendation. Some very useful info and supportive people.
I've had a couple of wobbles which could have got me into some bother but managed to give my head a shake. I have the moral high ground and I must be the bigger man. Decided to visit the Drs who was great by the way ( and single and quite cute lol). She suggested I would benefit from some counselling so ive made some enquiries and will act upon it. I'm conscious I maybe a ticking time bomb but as others have said I just need some space and time and all being well things will get easier as each day passes.
I'm also very fortunate that I do have some great family and friends who have been very supportive and are a sympathetic ear. Also thanks for the pm's it is appreciated.
My focus must remain being the best Dad i can for my kids sake but I also need to spend some 'me' time. Currently planning a couple of holidays so that's something positive to look forward to. I might even get down the gym next week. Anyway, onwards and upwards.
Also thanks for the wikivorce recommendation. Some very useful info and supportive people.
Holy thread resurrection time batman..!! Or whatever the smart arses say (no offence intended) 
I notice it must be that time of year again as a number of similar threads seem to get resurrected and the odd new one too so I thought what the hell I'd put some words down and give an update on my situation.
To say that 2013 has been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. From the 'train wreck' of my mariage breakdown earlier this year to the sudden death of a good friend at 40 yrs of age then a few weeks ago I got the call to say my Dad had suffered a heart attack and was in surgery. I was 250 miles away at the time and the need to be with him was overwhelming. Fortunately he is on the mend but it does take it's toll.
Anyway, the two most precious things in my life have adjusted well to the new living arrangements and my strategy of damage limitation in order to protect the children seems to have paid off in that respect. In fact I have a much better relationship now than I did before with my kids and we have enjoyed some real quality time together over the last 10 months from a trip away to Center Parcs to a week long holiday in the sun this summer. The latter being a very different experience for me being on my own with the kids but I survived and we had a great time.
In terms of the ex I have maintained a courteous, polite and professional relationship with her but I have let her go now emotionally and have had to tell her that our marriage is over. Do I still love her..?? No. Do I still care about her..?? Yes, she is the Mother of my children afterall. We can talk about any issues that may affect the children but are not in constant contact quite the opposite in fact which is as good as it's going to get from me anyway.
The manner in which I have handled the situation, being calm and composed has made me wonder whether I maybe a ticking time bomb (I think a previous poster also intimated as much) and to be honest I would agree with that sentiment in parts. It's very difficult to maintain ones dignity and composure when met with such a betrayal and don't get me wrong I've had some very dark moments, thoughts of revenge and such like that have kept me awake at night but I took a pro-active step and have had a number of counselling sessions which helped me no end in answering some niggling questions that were buzzing around my head and enabled me to see things more clearly. I still have the odd bad day and am not looking forward to Xmas for example but being aware of the situation and 'naming the beast' so to speak when I start to feel anger is a great help and 'being the bigger man' has spurred me on.
Where to go from here. Well day to day things are in place e.g. finances, access arrangements but long term issues are just that. Long term. I have broached the subject of divorce as I felt the need to get the wheels in motion and to instigate proceedings but the ex is adament that it is too soon so I have backed off in that regard. The cynics may say it's a ploy by her to leverage more out of the situation and that's as maybe but I rather suspect the finality of divorce is all too much for her to comprehend. I have also come to the realisation that she was / is a very troubled individual, she has had a number of wobbles over the past few months and has lost the very close relationship she had with my family and certain close friends but that's a consequence of her actions I'm afraid so I have very little sympathy.
So, what about my personal life after being thrown on the proverbial scrap heap at 41 or so it felt like at the time…. Well, things are pretty good. I've realised that at 41 life is far from over. I'm nothing special but am not a bad looking fella, am a decent guy, have a good job and a new wardbrobe and it's surprising how many women find that attractive. I met a lovely lass a couple of months ago and we have been dating ever since. She ticks many of the boxes for me but something just doesn't feel right and being brutally honest I'm probably just not ready for any form of commitment just yet - but uncomplicated sex is good I've had a bit of fun along the way too but I'm taking things at my own pace and maintaining some semblence of control. There is no hurry afterall.
So in summary life aint too bad, I'm not whooping with joy but nor am I down in the doldrums I'm just getting on with things trying to be the best Dad I can for my kids, making the extra effort to spend time with those I hold dear, trying new things and meeting new people. I know it could be much much worse so am thankful for small mercies. But I tell you this I know that I am a better, stronger person for this life experience and am blessed to have 2 great, well rounded kids that I love dearly and know they love me back equally. I also have some great family and close friends that have been a rock. So there you have it I'll just close by saying a big thanks to all the sound advice I have received but special thanks also go to ABD for his thread. You, Sir are an inspiration. For any others who find themselves in a similar position believe me when I say this "things do get better".
I notice it must be that time of year again as a number of similar threads seem to get resurrected and the odd new one too so I thought what the hell I'd put some words down and give an update on my situation.
To say that 2013 has been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. From the 'train wreck' of my mariage breakdown earlier this year to the sudden death of a good friend at 40 yrs of age then a few weeks ago I got the call to say my Dad had suffered a heart attack and was in surgery. I was 250 miles away at the time and the need to be with him was overwhelming. Fortunately he is on the mend but it does take it's toll.
Anyway, the two most precious things in my life have adjusted well to the new living arrangements and my strategy of damage limitation in order to protect the children seems to have paid off in that respect. In fact I have a much better relationship now than I did before with my kids and we have enjoyed some real quality time together over the last 10 months from a trip away to Center Parcs to a week long holiday in the sun this summer. The latter being a very different experience for me being on my own with the kids but I survived and we had a great time.
In terms of the ex I have maintained a courteous, polite and professional relationship with her but I have let her go now emotionally and have had to tell her that our marriage is over. Do I still love her..?? No. Do I still care about her..?? Yes, she is the Mother of my children afterall. We can talk about any issues that may affect the children but are not in constant contact quite the opposite in fact which is as good as it's going to get from me anyway.
The manner in which I have handled the situation, being calm and composed has made me wonder whether I maybe a ticking time bomb (I think a previous poster also intimated as much) and to be honest I would agree with that sentiment in parts. It's very difficult to maintain ones dignity and composure when met with such a betrayal and don't get me wrong I've had some very dark moments, thoughts of revenge and such like that have kept me awake at night but I took a pro-active step and have had a number of counselling sessions which helped me no end in answering some niggling questions that were buzzing around my head and enabled me to see things more clearly. I still have the odd bad day and am not looking forward to Xmas for example but being aware of the situation and 'naming the beast' so to speak when I start to feel anger is a great help and 'being the bigger man' has spurred me on.
Where to go from here. Well day to day things are in place e.g. finances, access arrangements but long term issues are just that. Long term. I have broached the subject of divorce as I felt the need to get the wheels in motion and to instigate proceedings but the ex is adament that it is too soon so I have backed off in that regard. The cynics may say it's a ploy by her to leverage more out of the situation and that's as maybe but I rather suspect the finality of divorce is all too much for her to comprehend. I have also come to the realisation that she was / is a very troubled individual, she has had a number of wobbles over the past few months and has lost the very close relationship she had with my family and certain close friends but that's a consequence of her actions I'm afraid so I have very little sympathy.
So, what about my personal life after being thrown on the proverbial scrap heap at 41 or so it felt like at the time…. Well, things are pretty good. I've realised that at 41 life is far from over. I'm nothing special but am not a bad looking fella, am a decent guy, have a good job and a new wardbrobe and it's surprising how many women find that attractive. I met a lovely lass a couple of months ago and we have been dating ever since. She ticks many of the boxes for me but something just doesn't feel right and being brutally honest I'm probably just not ready for any form of commitment just yet - but uncomplicated sex is good
I've had a bit of fun along the way too but I'm taking things at my own pace and maintaining some semblence of control. There is no hurry afterall.So in summary life aint too bad, I'm not whooping with joy but nor am I down in the doldrums I'm just getting on with things trying to be the best Dad I can for my kids, making the extra effort to spend time with those I hold dear, trying new things and meeting new people. I know it could be much much worse so am thankful for small mercies. But I tell you this I know that I am a better, stronger person for this life experience and am blessed to have 2 great, well rounded kids that I love dearly and know they love me back equally. I also have some great family and close friends that have been a rock. So there you have it I'll just close by saying a big thanks to all the sound advice I have received but special thanks also go to ABD for his thread. You, Sir are an inspiration. For any others who find themselves in a similar position believe me when I say this "things do get better".
ShyTallKnight said:
I have broached the subject of divorce as I felt the need to get the wheels in motion and to instigate proceedings but the ex is adament that it is too soon so I have backed off in that regard.
I met a lovely lass a couple of months ago and we have been dating ever since.
Edited for brevity.I met a lovely lass a couple of months ago and we have been dating ever since.
If you are dating, start the divorce. For a start it's fairer on the other party, no mixed signals of "oh well we are separated but not divorced", and secondly, it's fairer on you to get closure.
Ok chaps thought I'd update this thread or conclude it maybe more apt. I am now officially divorced the decree absolute came through this week. Obviously not a particularly pleasant experience but has been relatively painless due to the fact we've both behaved like adults throughout and kept solicitors at bay by sorting all the main issues out ourselves. So there ya go welcome to singledom proper eh..!!
Divorce sucks. The first couple of years are a period i wouldnt revisit for many reasons. But life does move on, and if you focus on your kids you might well find they have almost no ill feelings towards either of you.
If your kids love both of you at the end you win. Love is easy to find, your kids respect is much more complex.
If your kids love both of you at the end you win. Love is easy to find, your kids respect is much more complex.
ShyTallKnight said:
we've both behaved like adults throughout and kept solicitors at bay by sorting all the main issues out ourselves.
Well done. It takes a lot of effort and maturity to do things this way, but you'll both be better off for it and keep a better relationship in future.Congratulations on your new life!
Well done OP.
I just went back and re-read my replies, I was the chap that buggered off to Cayman when it all went pete tong for me.
2 years down the line and I'm a different person too.
I divorced in May 2013, when I came back from Cayman I hit the internet dating sites, met a few ladies and then one day what I thought was a none starter of a date but I might have got laid I met someone new. She and I have never looked back. It's been amazing and I now look back and say the divorce was the best thing ever to happen to me! I got out of a dead-end life and now, 4 stone lighter and in a new house etc life is great.
Us men never learn though.... I want a family as does she so rather than messing around for a few years we are marrying in May!!!
Glad your doing well.
I just went back and re-read my replies, I was the chap that buggered off to Cayman when it all went pete tong for me.
2 years down the line and I'm a different person too.
I divorced in May 2013, when I came back from Cayman I hit the internet dating sites, met a few ladies and then one day what I thought was a none starter of a date but I might have got laid I met someone new. She and I have never looked back. It's been amazing and I now look back and say the divorce was the best thing ever to happen to me! I got out of a dead-end life and now, 4 stone lighter and in a new house etc life is great.
Us men never learn though.... I want a family as does she so rather than messing around for a few years we are marrying in May!!!
Glad your doing well.
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