Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed the beer on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
While driving home I stopped at the service station where a gorgeous woman was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was scantily clad.
She glanced at the beer, bent over, knocked on my passenger window and in a sexy voice said, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
“ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE”
While driving home I stopped at the service station where a gorgeous woman was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was scantily clad.
She glanced at the beer, bent over, knocked on my passenger window and in a sexy voice said, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
“ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE”
Robert, 85, married Susan, a lovely 25 year old. Since her husband is so old, Susan decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Susan consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again but, aha you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
After the wedding festivities Susan prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one... All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Susan hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Susan consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again but, aha you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Susan and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
glenrobbo said:
sc0tt said:
Researchers for the Essex Aviation Authority found over 200 dead crows near the Brentwood turnoff on the A127 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
EAA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Car!", none could say "Truck.”.
An excellent joke, one of my favounites a few years ago.However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
EAA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Car!", none could say "Truck.”.
But it was motorbikes, not trucks.
Crows can say "Truck!" quite easily, but they really struggle with "Motorbike! "
And what has the Essex Aviation Authority got to do with it?
Sorry sc0tt.
Crows don’t say truck?? Crows literally “cah” that is the joke
Edited by sc0tt on Thursday 9th August 20:51
One from my pal over the pond.
I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.
I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....
I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.
I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....
Vipers said:
One from my pal over the pond.
I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.
I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....
They are getting hot on such things over here too. I just got arrested for playing my harmonica while driving. I think the officer objected to me holding it out of the window at 140mph.I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.
I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....
Vipers said:
I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.
I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....
SeeFive said:
Vipers said:
One from my pal over the pond.
I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.
I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....
They are getting hot on such things over here too. I just got arrested for playing my harmonica while driving. I think the officer objected to me holding it out of the window at 140mph.I just filled the car up with gas didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a cig and my sleeve burst into flames.
I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the darn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence.....
😮A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
😮A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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