Thinking of leaving the OH

[DoTheRightThing]

Wrathalanche said:

OP,

Since you've taken on a new ID for the sake of this post, why do you feel the need to defend yourself to the people calling you out? You can just ignore it, and continue posting under your normal handle elsewhere with your reputation unbesmirched.

To be honest I find it very telling. Pretty much every one of your posts (yes, I have been following the whole thread from the start) since the first one has been to defend yourself. Or your wife. Or the other woman. Everyone is innocent and only of the best intentions according to you so far. Compare to ABD, where he constantly - wrongly - pinned the blame on himself in that thread for the best part of 6 months or whatever it was.

From the outset in this thread it all seemed to be stemming from an ego issue with you. Almost every one of your subsequent posts has confirmed that for me, as you strive to keep your good - yet assumed - name out of the mud. This might explain why the advice you are getting is so unanimous.

ABD was worthy of sympathy. You're just not I'm afraid. The problems with your OH don't sound particularly grave, your concerns for your daughter: insincere (in so far as you think she'd be better off without you because you won't be able to put a brave face on for her), and your insistence on keeping the new love interest sweet in the interim is fairly pathetic. I'll say it once again: ego.

Despite not posting much of any real substance, I think what you have said has given away an awful lot about you.

I don't expect you to post back about having a change of heart.

I was expecting that. Fair enough.

I am weak in being drawn in by the insults, especially as that's what they want, my bad.

I shouldn't have drawn any comparison with ABD. The situation obviously isn't comparable and has only served to give people more reason to pour scorn.

I have been purposeful in not saying much. it has been interesting to watch opinions and statements morph into fact and I have found that useful to some extent in determining where I stand.

I have re-read my OP quite a bit, as when I wrote it I did so with the opinion that I was unlikely to leave my partner but equally could not see myself being happy in staying. It is interesting to me that by say page 7 or so everyone had decided I was set on leaving her and I was scum. I actually wrote it in desperation and anguish at the underlying acceptance that I have to sit tight and let a woman (OW) I love more deeply than any other I have met slip out of my life.

I was, and am, curious as to the greater question of how much unhappiness one is obligated to bear in supporting a family? At what point does your responsibility to yourself out-way that to others? At what point does your unhappiness begin to impact negatively on the child you have chosen to stand by? Of course many people picked up on this stuff and commented as such.

Some misconceptions:
- I didn't post here looking for a steer. I pretty much knew what I had to do but am having trouble coming to terms with it. I needed to vent.
- This isn't about getting a "leg over", I travel a lot on business, and have rebuffed advances on many occasions. This is about sustainable life decisions not "cock flattery" as someone put it.
- I am not married (as people seem to keep saying!!) and don't wish to add myself to many hoards that seem to get married only to split up within a few years. What is an engagement for if not to contemplate and explore you relationship before taking it to the next level.

I don't think the advice was as unanimous as some proclaim. There have been some thoughtful and less hysterical posts from people and I'm grateful for the those. Of course the populist view was always going to be dominant with some notable keyboard warriors leading the charge but thankfully I am able to sift through that and consider both sides of the story.

Anyway, not much has changed since I last posted and people ignored my commitment to spend time with my OH and not doing anything rash.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Wednesday 8th October 16:36

[AndStilliRise]

Think the OP is beyond help.

Not sure why you posted this question because it looks like you have got to the stage of

'I love you.'
'I love you too, why don't you move in, and leave your wife?'


I am only posting because my life is so perfect and want to justify my own petty existence by providing arbitrary advice on something which I can only have 0.5 experience on. Seriously though - if you have made up your mind, best of luck.

ps: I know someone who has just left his wife and 4 kids for a girl he met in his surgery (yes, he is a GP). He is now living with his mum waiting for the other girl to divorce her 2nd husband. Sounds like an awesome plan to me and one which looks likely to work out.

[SeanyD]

DoTheRightThing said:

I was expecting that. Fair enough.

I am weak in being drawn in by the insults, especially as that's what they want, my bad.

I shouldn't have drawn any comparison with ABD. The situation obviously isn't comparable and has only served to give people more reason to pour scorn.

I have been purposeful in not saying much. it has been interesting to watch opinions and statements morph into fact and I have found that useful to some extent in determining where I stand.

I have re-read my OP quite a bit, as when I wrote it I did so with the opinion that I was unlikely to leave my partner but equally could not see myself being happy in staying. It is interesting to me that by say page 7 or so everyone had decided I was set on leaving her and I was scum. I actually wrote it in desperation and anguish at the underlying acceptance that I have to sit tight and let a woman (OW) I love more deeply than any other I have met slip out of my life.

I was, and am, curious as to the greater question of how much unhappiness one is obligated to bear in supporting a family? At what point does your responsibility to yourself out-way that to others? At what point does your unhappiness begin to impact negatively on the child you have chosen to stand by? Of course many people picked up on this stuff and commented as such.

Some misconceptions:
- I didn't post here looking for a steer. I pretty much knew what I had to do but am having trouble coming to terms with it. I needed to vent.
- This isn't about getting a "leg over", I travel a lot on business, and have rebuffed advances on many occasions. This is about sustainable life decisions not "cock flattery" as someone put it.
- I am not married (as people seem to keep saying!!) and don't wish to add myself to many hoards that seem to get married only to split up within a few years.

I don't think the advice was as unanimous as some proclaim. There have been some thoughtful and less hysterical posts from people and I'm grateful for the those. Of course the populist view was always going to be dominant with some notable keyboard warriors leading the charge but thankfully I am able to sift through that and consider both sides of the story.

Anyway, not much has changed since I last posted and people ignored my commitment to spend time with my OH and not doing anything rash.

Says it all really.

[MrBarry123]

AndStilliRise said:

ps: I know someone who has just left his wife and 4 kids for a girl he met in his surgery (yes, he is a GP). He is now living with his mum waiting for the other girl to divorce her 2nd husband. Sounds like an awesome plan to me and one which looks likely to work out.

Does he specialise in gynaecology?

[AndStilliRise]

MrBarry123 said:

Does he specialise in gynaecology?

Not sure. Hope not!

Knows a lot of stuff, been trying to get some EPO from him for running/research purposes!

Me and wife were absolutely shocked. Had a lot of time for the guy but not now. Thankfully wont be visiting anytime soon, not sure I want him in the house.

[AndStilliRise]

DoTheRightThing:


Do the right thing:
1. Go home to your beautiful wife
2. Play with your daughter who adores you
3. Reinstate date night
4. Make your marriage work
5. Enjoy your life, within the rules of marriage
6. Watch your daughter grow, learn, play and go to school
7. Get yourself a new hobby (running/gym?)
8. Your wife will learn to love you more than you will know

2 cents.

[Anonamoose]

I think you should leave your fiancée.

If you are staying for any reason other than you want to spend the rest of your life with her and your child then go.

Your partner deserves to find someone who loves her for her, for being a 'country girl' whatever that may be. Not someone who stays out of pity and thinks she is beneath him.

You're posts come across as pathetic, weak and self-indulgent. Try and dress it up as you caring for your Fiancée as much as you like, but it's BS. If you cared you'd have said no to the OW or you'd properly commit to staying with your family for love not just because you feel you should.

If you were my husband I'd rather you left, than stayed.

[nitrodave]

DoTheRightThing said:

I actually wrote it in desperation and anguish at the underlying acceptance that I have to sit tight and let a woman (OW) I love more deeply than any other I have met slip out of my life.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Wednesday 8th October 16:36

It's hard but you have to let the OW go and focus on what you have. Chances are another more spectacular/glamorous/intelligent woman will come along in a few years and make you feel the same all over again.

You need to exercise some maturity and not get distracted. It's what any good real man does to maintain a long term happy relationship. It's a great weakness to be tempted away so easily.

I can appreciate how hard it must be, but seriously dude... take a step back and focus on what you have and rekindle the love for your fiancée.

What you are describing is the emotional maturity of a 15 year old.

[mjb1]

DoTheRightThing said:

I have to sit tight and let a woman (OW) I love more deeply than any other I have met slip out of my life.

- I am not married (as people seem to keep saying!!) and don't wish to add myself to many hoards that seem to get married only to split up within a few years. What is an engagement for if not to contemplate and explore you relationship before taking it to the next level.

Love or just lust? Are you absolutely sure about this, do you not think both of you have moved on/changed significantly since you were last together? Alternatively, how long have you been back together?

I think having a child with someone is the ultimate commitment, above getting married - get married, get divorced again, it's easy these days, no social stigma or nothing. Having a child with someone is a lifelong commitment, even if you split up, you are (or should be) committed to your kids.


I'm sure you've made the right decision, but now you need to work on changing your attitude to make your relationship work. If you just carry on with the thought that you'd rather be with other woman but just staying together for the sake of the kid, it will be(come) obvious to your partner.

[Bluebarge]

DoTheRightThing said:

What is an engagement for if not to contemplate and explore you relationship before taking it to the next level.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Wednesday 8th October 16:36

It's an agreement to get married. Not "try before you buy".

That's how it's always been.

[FredClogs]

Bluebarge said:

DoTheRightThing said:

What is an engagement for if not to contemplate and explore you relationship before taking it to the next level.

Edited by DoTheRightThing on Wednesday 8th October 16:36

It's an agreement to get married. Not "try before you buy".

That's how it's always been.

Indeed it is, engagement means "we're saving to get married" non refundable deposit, not "we're thinking about getting married or exploring the possibility"

[Too Late]

SeanyD said:

Says it all really.

Yep.

This thread royally fks me off.

Its all bks form the OP, written by a self obsessed wker who seems to have a fairytale family which he cares for but he's still prepared to ruin the life of his child and cause irreparable damage to his current partner just so he can be mentally challenged by a new lady.

By the OP's posts, it sounds like this new bit of skirt is already rimming him

Do not kid yourself splitting up will be easy for your child or your partner
I am still haunted by my parents splitting up


Sit back, think about if the shoe was on the other foot.....

[Too Late]

OP,
Have you slept with this new woman?

[Monkeylegend]

Too Late said:

OP,
Have you slept with this new woman?

I don't think there is much sleeping involved, more intellectual conversation and up market fckuing.

[AndStilliRise]

Monkeylegend said:

I don't think there is much sleeping involved, more intellectual conversation and up market fckuing.

What kind of IQ levels are we talking here? 150+ Quantum physics?

[ShyTallKnight]

AndStilliRise said:

DoTheRightThing:


Do the right thing:
1. Go home to your beautiful wife
2. Play with your daughter who adores you
3. Reinstate date night
4. Make your marriage work
5. Enjoy your life, within the rules of marriage
6. Watch your daughter grow, learn, play and go to school
7. Get yourself a new hobby (running/gym?)
8. Your wife will learn to love you more than you will know

2 cents.

Yeah this OP in that order and everything will be fine.... Jesus..!!

[AndStilliRise]

ShyTallKnight said:

Yeah this OP in that order and everything will be fine.... Jesus..!!

Thanks (there should be like button).

[sjc]

MrBarry123 said:

AndStilliRise said:

ps: I know someone who has just left his wife and 4 kids for a girl he met in his surgery (yes, he is a GP). He is now living with his mum waiting for the other girl to divorce her 2nd husband. Sounds like an awesome plan to me and one which looks likely to work out.

Does he specialise in gynaecology?

He's retired, just keeps his hand in.

[MrBarry123]

sjc said:

MrBarry123 said:

AndStilliRise said:

ps: I know someone who has just left his wife and 4 kids for a girl he met in his surgery (yes, he is a GP). He is now living with his mum waiting for the other girl to divorce her 2nd husband. Sounds like an awesome plan to me and one which looks likely to work out.

Does he specialise in gynaecology?

He's retired, just keeps his hand in.

Fishy.

[MentalSarcasm]

DoTheRightThing said:

I was, and am, curious as to the greater question of how much unhappiness one is obligated to bear in supporting a family? At what point does your responsibility to yourself out-way that to others? At what point does your unhappiness begin to impact negatively on the child you have chosen to stand by? Of course many people picked up on this stuff and commented as such.

The reason why people are getting frustrated with you is because you've convinced yourself that everything will magically become better as soon as you leave your fiance and shack up with the OW. You've convinced yourself that you'll be able to have the perfect balance of seeing your daughter and seeing the OW.

Me, Ali and Tonker have all pointed out to you that you CANNOT have that. It simply will not work. You're either going to have an ex-fiance that only lets you see your daughter every 2nd weekend, if you're lucky. Or you're going to have a new girlfriend that doesn't want to play second fiddle to your daughter and her mother. There are many women who do not cope well as step-mothers, they resent the children for keeping "their man" attached to his former partner. How do you know that the OW isn't one of these women?

There many PHers here who have posted their own personal stories, most of them were in the same position as your fiance. They have gone on to find partners who treat them with love and respect and have happier relationships because of it. They have also stated that as far as they know, the person that cheated on them is unhappy and flits from relationship to relationship, or ends up alone and lonely. Likewise there are a few here who had stated that they cheated, and they came to regret it deeply. Yes, some of them have found new relationships, but they still say that they wish they had never cheated in the first place. Finally there is a thread at least once a week in the Lounge from a divorced Dad, talking about how much not seeing his children every day hurts.

Why do you insist that your story will be significantly different from them? Do you really think that you're so special that you'll be the one man that can make everything work exactly as he wants?

Get yourself some counselling for depression, and see someone like Relate with your fiance to see if your relationship can be salvaged. Break off all contact with the OW, and focus on your fiance.

If you give it your best shot and it can't be done, then fine, you will indeed have to leave and there are many PHers that will say they've had to do the same. But there's a difference between trying your best and finding it's just not working, and giving up without any effort.

Your posts indicate that you think that simply sticking around is trying your best. It isn't, it's just an excuse for you to wallow in self-pity. Trying your best involves putting in effort, seeing professionals, and trying to reconnect with your partner.

This is why people on PH are getting fed up with you.