Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Monkeylegend]

mickk said:

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".




Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

Reminds me of,

"Mum, I don't want to go to school this morning, kids keep bullying me and the teachers are horrible"

"But you must go son, you're the headmaster"

[cookmysock]

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world? Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep.

What do you call a gay New Zealander? A kiwi fruit

[Evangelion]

What do you call a gay man driving a German car?




An Opel fruit.

[Fastchas]

simoid said:

Start by working out if socialism tends to succeed or fail, then go from there... does that help?

Thank you, it does. They tend to ruin everything once in power.

[glenrobbo]

Fastchas said:

simoid said:

Start by working out if socialism tends to succeed or fail, then go from there... does that help?

Thank you, it does. They tend to ruin everything once in power.

Then there is no power, so they have to use candles instead.

Which is no use to owners of plug-in electric cars. I feel there may be trouble ahead.

[Ultra Sound Guy]

Just had a discussion at work about how to make a babies rattle. Apparently shaking them hard was the wrong answer!

Edited by Ultra Sound Guy on Thursday 25th October 12:09

[Doofus]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

Just had a discussion at work about how to back a babies rattle.

Did anyone at work understand what you were on about?

[Ultra Sound Guy]

Doofus said:

Did anyone at work understand what you were on about?

I'm sure my fingers are developing dyslexia!

[glenrobbo]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

Just had a discussion at work about how to back a babies rattle. Apparently shaking them hard was the wrong answer!

If the odds are fairly long, I would suggest an each way bet.

[glenrobbo]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

Doofus said:

Did anyone at work understand what you were on about?

I'm sure my fingers are developing dyslexia!

Poley never had that trouble.

[Ultra Sound Guy]

glenrobbo said:

Ultra Sound Guy said:

Doofus said:

Did anyone at work understand what you were on about?

I'm sure my fingers are developing dyslexia!

Poley never had that trouble.

[Alpacaman]

A weasel walks into a bar. The Barman says "Wow, I have never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.

[Doofus]

Alpacaman said:

A weasel walks into a bar. The Barman says "Wow, I have never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop" goes the weasel.

The barman's got a short memory...

[EarlOfHazard]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, went to visit a
school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina
puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions"

"Why did the Russians take Crimea?

And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says

"Good questions"

But just as he is about to answer, the bell rang, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more
questions and Tatiana, puts her hand up and says

"I have Four questions"

"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?

And where is Alina?"

[K12beano]

[Vipers]

captain_cynic said:

Vipers said:

Bad news for dyslexics, on the 28th October, your cocks go black.

That's my kind of childish humour.

BTW, I have a large spine.

Thats been bugging me all day on and off. Eventually went to anagrams, very good

[Trophy Husband]

A recent tragedy involving a passenger jet flying into an urban building was solved on recovery of the black box.

The co-pilot can be heard screaming "I said a block of flats not a flock of bats!!"

[Trophy Husband]

A recent attempted robbery on a patisserie was foiled when the baker rushed out of the back room all buns glazing.

[Vipers]

A long time ago we had Empires, run by Emperos.

Then we had Kingdoms, run by Kings, and

Now we have Countries............

[phazed]

Vipers said:

A long time ago we had Empires, run by Emperos.

Then we had Kingdoms, run by Kings, and

Now we have Countries............

Run by Counts?