Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them SOBs sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them SOBs sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
Someone sent me these:
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came
from.
________________________________________
3) What's the difference between a b
h and a we?
A we sleeps with everybody at the party; A bh
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
________________________________________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
________________________________________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.
________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
________________________________________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a
horse's ass?
A mechanic .
________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.
________________________________________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came
from.
________________________________________
3) What's the difference between a b
h and a we? A w
e sleeps with everybody at the party; A bh sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
________________________________________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
________________________________________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving.
________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
________________________________________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a
horse's ass?
A mechanic .
________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.
________________________________________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.
Came across this oldie, make me chuckle.
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a lady boy!!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!....
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time l thought to myself ''hang on a fking minute ..."
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a lady boy!!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!....
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time l thought to myself ''hang on a f
king minute ..."MartG said:
I was stopped in the street by a lady doing a survey.
She asked me how I rated myself in bed.
I said that I've never heard anyone moan.
So she put me down as 'poor'.
I was stopped in the street by lady doing a survey.She asked me how I rated myself in bed.
I said that I've never heard anyone moan.
So she put me down as 'poor'.
She asked me what products I use for grooming.
Apparently, Facebook wasn't the answer she was expecting....
Vipers said:
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a lady boy!!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!....
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time l thought to myself ''hang on a fking minute ..."
Just back from Thailand myself - it has a lot more to offer that lady boysLooked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!....
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time l thought to myself ''hang on a f
king minute ..."But the joke is still funny
ChemicalChaos said:
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: 'N? de bìng? ch?cùn wèi 2.54 Lím?'
Edited because apparently the PH hamsters can't support actual mandarin font......
See my version on previous page, had to post as a picture.The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: 'N? de bìng? ch?cùn wèi 2.54 Lím?'
Edited because apparently the PH hamsters can't support actual mandarin font......
Edited by ChemicalChaos on Sunday 11th December 22:51
Vipers said:
Came across this oldie, make me chuckle.
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a lady boy!!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!....
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time l thought to myself ''hang on a fking minute ..."
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a lady boy!!
Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!....
It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time l thought to myself ''hang on a f
king minute ..."
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