Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[Vipers]

Geordie is at the Queens garden party, when Liz comes up to him with a plate in each hand and says-

"Do you want a cake or meringue?"

Geordie says "Your reet ma'am , I'll have a cake"

(If the penny doesn't drop, try it in a Geordie accent)

[jbudgie]

oakdale said:

jbudgie said:

Reposts to the power of Googol at least.

If it wasn't for the biggrin I'd think you were being grumpy, but I know that you're bigger than that.

Subtle Paul,

[Muntu]

My wife woke me up this morning and said, "Your alarm is going off."

"fk it," I mumbled, "I'll get up in 10 minutes."

"That's not a very good idea, is it?" she said, "Your alarm is set for a reason."

"Okay," I shouted, "I'm getting up now!"

"Too late," she replied, looking out of the window, "Your car has just been stolen."

[MadOne]

Vipers said:

Geordie is at the Queens garden party, when Liz comes up to him with a plate in each hand and says-

"Do you want a cake or meringue?"

Geordie says "Your reet ma'am , I'll have a cake"

(If the penny doesn't drop, try it in a Geordie accent)

Much better in a Scottish accent. It should go (looking at cakes in the bakers window) 'Is that a cake or a meringue'? Naw, you're right enough, it's a cake".

[Snowboy]

MadOne said:

Much better in a Scottish accent. It should go (looking at cakes in the bakers window) 'Is that a cake or a meringue'? Naw, you're right enough, it's a cake".

Some jokes just don't work when typed.
They need to be spoken.

[RDJ]

AAAAAAaaaaaaagh!!!!!

"No no nurse, I said prick his boil"

[OlberJ]

Brick his poil?

[Pixelpeep]

OlberJ said:

Brick his poil?

nooo...


liob sih kcirp !

[Nom de ploom]

fail.

its a poor joke anyway, but still....

[Burnham]

LordHaveMurci said:

Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that on the grounds the trophy was in Brazil and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany then it should rightfully be theirs.

I like this one.

[LordHaveMurci]

Statistically, ten out of ten nervous male passengers have a wife that drives.

[Disastrous]

MadOne said:

Vipers said:

Geordie is at the Queens garden party, when Liz comes up to him with a plate in each hand and says-

"Do you want a cake or meringue?"

Geordie says "Your reet ma'am , I'll have a cake"

(If the penny doesn't drop, try it in a Geordie accent)

Much better in a Scottish accent. It should go (looking at cakes in the bakers window) 'Is that a cake or a meringue'? Naw, you're right enough, it's a cake".

Ah, I get it now. Yup, needs scottish to work. Not sure what it needs to be funny though...new words maybe?

[Muntu]

I was out shopping with the wife earlier when she turned to me and said,"You're such a lazy bd."

I was so shocked I almost fell out of the fking trolley.

[silverfoxcc]

A woman walks into a glasgow butchers. The butcher is leaning against a radiator. She looks at the display and asks

Is that your Ayrshire Bacon?

He replies 'Naw Ahm jest warming maw hauns'

[K12beano]

Let's just declare independence now - those Scottish jokes can just float off into their own sweet sunset........

[heppers75]

Statistically, you are more likely to get killed on a Malaysian Airlines plane than to get bitten by Luis Suarez.

[Frimley111R]

Muntu said:

I was out shopping with the wife earlier when she turned to me and said,"You're such a lazy bd."

I was so shocked I almost fell out of the fking trolley.

Stolen for FB

[Muntu]

I was spooning the wife earlier when I rested my nob against her ahole: "What do you reckon?" I whispered, "fancy a bit??" "Pack it in" she said. She didn't have to tell me twice.

[Laurel Green]

Muntu said:

I was spooning the wife earlier when I rested my nob against her ahole: "What do you reckon?" I whispered, "fancy a bit??" "Pack it in" she said. She didn't have to tell me twice.

[LordHaveMurci]

Laurel Green said:

Muntu said:

I was spooning the wife earlier when I rested my nob against her ahole: "What do you reckon?" I whispered, "fancy a bit??" "Pack it in" she said. She didn't have to tell me twice.

And a