Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
B'stard Child said:
alfie2244 said:
Hugh Jarse said:
Why are the no headache tablets in the jungle?
Paracetemol.
Parrots eat them all
I can't believe I clicked on the "reveal spoiler" Paracetemol.
Parrots eat them all
I didn't need a spoiler
Vipers said:
I really fancied one of these, so I nipped into the local,dealer.
I said "What choice of colours do I have"
He said "Any colour you want sir, except yellow."
How disappointing. I said "What choice of colours do I have"
He said "Any colour you want sir, except yellow."
Do they do red? ( for the sailors )
I say "Bravo!" to all those fearless Dacia mechanics out there! Keep up the good work!
Edited by glenrobbo on Saturday 7th January 11:08
Hymie was new to the village, and was having friends visit on the weekend but needed some nibbles, so he checks the Yellow pages and finds a local shop that does advertises deliveries and rings them on Friday morning. The conversation went like this
Hymie I need some food delivered can you do it please?
Shop Certainly,we do home delivery, what do you need?
H some Lox ( phone goes quiet), and then the shop says
S Is that salmon?
H Yes and some bagels..again silence and ..
S are they rolls?
H Yes, and some blinis. more quiet and..
Shop Are they pancakes?
H Yes,
S When do you want them?
H. tomrorrow
S Sorry we dont schlep on the shabbos
And whilst on a Jewish theme, There were two rabbis on a trip to China. as they entered a village, miles from the nearst large town, they thought they heard a cantor singing in perfect Hebrew. They looked at each other in amazement, and followed the sound, and on turning a corner found a synagogue with a service in progress. They entered and saw that it was full of Chinese people attending a bar mitzvah. At the end of the service they approached the rabbi and congratulated him on such a wonderful service. The cantor looked at them quizzically and asked.
'how do you know so much about the bar mitzvah?'
They replied 'We are Rabbis from London'
The cantor said
'You dont look Jewish'
either you will behaving a good chuckle or saying Eh?
Hymie I need some food delivered can you do it please?
Shop Certainly,we do home delivery, what do you need?
H some Lox ( phone goes quiet), and then the shop says
S Is that salmon?
H Yes and some bagels..again silence and ..
S are they rolls?
H Yes, and some blinis. more quiet and..
Shop Are they pancakes?
H Yes,
S When do you want them?
H. tomrorrow
S Sorry we dont schlep on the shabbos
And whilst on a Jewish theme, There were two rabbis on a trip to China. as they entered a village, miles from the nearst large town, they thought they heard a cantor singing in perfect Hebrew. They looked at each other in amazement, and followed the sound, and on turning a corner found a synagogue with a service in progress. They entered and saw that it was full of Chinese people attending a bar mitzvah. At the end of the service they approached the rabbi and congratulated him on such a wonderful service. The cantor looked at them quizzically and asked.
'how do you know so much about the bar mitzvah?'
They replied 'We are Rabbis from London'
The cantor said
'You dont look Jewish'
either you will behaving a good chuckle or saying Eh?
Mr and Mrs Goldberg were having dinner at an expensive restaurant when a stunning young woman comes over to their table. Without blinking an eye, the woman gives the husband a kiss on the lips and says, “See you later.”
The wife stares at her blushing husband and at the woman walking away. Then she asks, "What was that? Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband with a glitter in his eyes, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's it," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
“Alright then," replies her husband. "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Swiss Alps, no more summers in New York City, no more Bentley and Rolls Royce in the garage and no more private jet for quick getaways. But the decision is yours."
They stay quiet for a while. Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous girl on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Hymie?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
The wife pauses for a moment and then says, "Ours is much prettier.”
The wife stares at her blushing husband and at the woman walking away. Then she asks, "What was that? Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband with a glitter in his eyes, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's it," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
“Alright then," replies her husband. "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Swiss Alps, no more summers in New York City, no more Bentley and Rolls Royce in the garage and no more private jet for quick getaways. But the decision is yours."
They stay quiet for a while. Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous girl on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Hymie?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
The wife pauses for a moment and then says, "Ours is much prettier.”
To continue the theme....
One cold dark winter's evening Mrs Goldberg (the same one, for it is she) is locking up her husband's tailors in the east end of London.
As she turns to leave, a shifty looking bloke in a long overcoat approaches her, flings his coat wide open and flashes her!
She calmly looks him up and down then calmly says, "You call that a lining?"
One cold dark winter's evening Mrs Goldberg (the same one, for it is she) is locking up her husband's tailors in the east end of London.
As she turns to leave, a shifty looking bloke in a long overcoat approaches her, flings his coat wide open and flashes her!
She calmly looks him up and down then calmly says, "You call that a lining?"
And I think I need to attribute this one to Spike Milligan, and I may have put it up before....
An old Jewish shopkeeper has a young girl working for him, and he notices that instead of putting money in the till, she is taking it out.
So he goes up to her and says, "I saw what you did, I'll have to call the police."
She says " Oh please, don't do that".
He says, "It's a very serious matter, I'll have to call the police".
She says, "I come from a very good family, they'd be devastated. I'll tell you what, why don't you take me up stairs and give me a good rogering, and we'll be squits?"
So they go up stairs, and the old boy is bonking away, but he is getting nowhere because he is about 90 years old.
So he says;
"Look, it's no good, I'll have to call the police".
An old Jewish shopkeeper has a young girl working for him, and he notices that instead of putting money in the till, she is taking it out.
So he goes up to her and says, "I saw what you did, I'll have to call the police."
She says " Oh please, don't do that".
He says, "It's a very serious matter, I'll have to call the police".
She says, "I come from a very good family, they'd be devastated. I'll tell you what, why don't you take me up stairs and give me a good rogering, and we'll be squits?"
So they go up stairs, and the old boy is bonking away, but he is getting nowhere because he is about 90 years old.
So he says;
"Look, it's no good, I'll have to call the police".
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