What to do about this?

[BlackST]

I think the main question should be do you want a child?

If you do then speak to the mum and get a DNA test done to make sure he is yours.
If you don't then you could just ignore the text but I think you'd always wonder what he is upto, your actual first child.

Must be a reason why you really haven't bothered all these years?
Didn't think he was yours? Didn't want a child?

[Hammer67]

My son, my only son is 19 and severely autistic. I have had to watch him grow up without any of the things "normal' life would have given us both. If someone contacted me with the offer of the chance of being a father to a 10 year old lad - I'd be there like a shot. Paternity test be damned.

[Sump]

He's probably gonna be semi brainwashed and she's probably planning something here.

I would tread extremely carefully, this isn't a movie, it's not going to be you meeting your son and suddenly you make up for the last 10 years and everything is really peachy and rosey. Nothing good will come out of this.

[oilydan]

Impasse said:

....I'm fairly sure the claim starts from when the agency is first contacted, rather than the birth of the child.....

The government informs the CSA immediately if the mother collects Child Benefit. Is she does not then it would be up to the Mother to contact the CSA if a deal is not struck between the parents for support.

My Ex-Mrs ditched me after I went off to university, shacked up with another guy from the village, supposedly a mate of mine. I supported through the CSA as soon as I started work as she was claiming child benefit. I took home 909 pounds a month and the CSA took 600. They paid her about 250.

I worked about 200 miles away and had about a tenner a month to 'play with' so never really saw much of my daughter. I guess we could have been described as 'estranged'. It was strange; I wanted to be together and be with her as she grew up but the whole separation thing hit me hard and it was really difficult to bring myself to contact her. Huge regrets, but I still think I would have been the same, even if I knew then how much I would regret it. Being kicked out of your family unit is a real blow, especially if you had not done anything wrong, per say.

I left the UK when my daughter was 5 years old and only then got to see her at Christmas time every other year. Her mother did not use Skype and therefore any contact was really difficult.

As my daughter headed into her late teens we had a bit more contact, she even came to stay a few times in Dubai. She is now 20 and very much grown up, has made her own mind up about why her mother and I split and we are no longer estranged. Even though I'm still a million miles away working, she loves to spend time with her half-sisters and is joining me on the train ride down to the South West when I come home for Easter, she is staying for the week. I like to think that she now prefers to spend time with me and her 'other' family

I guess my advice in this situation would be to make sure you keep the same phone number for at least 20 years. You never know when your child will call.

[phil_cardiff]

Sump said:

Nothing good will come out of this.

That chip on your shoulder must be pretty heavy.

[4941cc]

Best reason ever to change your mobile number regularly.

[mph1977]

Zod said:

mph1977 said:

Impasse said:

The same number (although now with extra digits on the front) ever since my Motorola was fitted to my 3 year old Y reg Ford Sierra 2.3 Ghia.

However, I think we might be getting side-tracked.

indeed , but i do know of people who have 25 + year old mobile numbers and plenty of people ( myself included ) with 15+ years o nthe same mobile number.

the OPs dilemma is compounded by his paternity doubts ... if the paternity doubts weren't there it would be a case of check you aren't about to be taken to the cleaners for child support ...

it could be innocent
the child could be an absolute little git and mum wants rid ( whether that is correctable is a whole tray of tins of worms )
mum could have a new man who doesn't want the child around

no child of 10 can be that bad.

oh what a sheltered life you live ...

[Sump]

phil_cardiff said:

Sump said:

Nothing good will come out of this.

That chip on your shoulder must be pretty heavy.

[n3il123]

4941cc said:

Best reason ever to change your mobile number regularly.

+ 1

[the wicker man]

my brothers in the army & in the 80's when he was in Germany he slept with a german girl, never saw her again, got married had kids etc 25 years later the son he never knew tracked him down & they now have a very good relationship

Edited by the wicker man on Tuesday 26th May 17:44

[pork911]

OP - arrange a paternity test (and do nothing else in meantime)

if the child is your's be a father, if not don't.

[PurpleMoonlight]

Thanks again all. Much to think about.

Please don't confuse my ex with abandoned hard done by single mothers. She was engaged to be married to someone else a month after leaving me (yes before she had even filed for divorce from me) and went on to have two children with him.

She fought contact all the way through court and eventually thwarted me by obtaining a court order giving her permission leave the UK.

She is not a nice person, and in all honesty I would very much prefer never to have to see or communicate with her in any way ever again ....

[Some Gump]

PurpleMoonlight said:

I think I'm inclined to do this.

Don't do that! By all means call her and tell her that, but don't put it in bloody writing. If you both don't get on at all, that text becomes a lever in a bargaining thing - show the lad the text, "see, he doesn't want you, he doesn't even want you to be his son". Boom, you lose.

[blindswelledrat]

PurpleMoonlight said:

Thanks again all. Much to think about.

Please don't confuse my ex with abandoned hard done by single mothers. She was engaged to be married to someone else a month after leaving me (yes before she had even filed for divorce from me) and went on to have two children with him.

She fought contact all the way through court and eventually thwarted me by obtaining a court order giving her permission leave the UK.

She is not a nice person, and in all honesty I would very much prefer never to have to see or communicate with her in any way ever again ....

Sympathies. A bizarre and unpleasant situation you find yourself in.
I reckon the question simplified is just to ignore her and decide whether you want to get to know your child or not.
On the question of whether she is yours: I would suggest it's highly unlikely she isn't yours as it would have been far better for your wife to tell her that her new husband was the father right from the off.

[Pothole]

the wicker man said:

hes my boy & i don't even know what he looks like its destroying me from the inside out, its destroying my life & my marriage

Only you can address that, mate. Might be time to seek professional help, though.

[Oldred_V8S]

Hammer67 said:

My son, my only son is 19 and severely autistic. I have had to watch him grow up without any of the things "normal' life would have given us both. If someone contacted me with the offer of the chance of being a father Dad to a 10 year old lad - I'd be there like a shot. Paternity test be damned.

+1

I have corrected the text though; anyone can be a Father, it takes a big man to be a Dad; do you want to be a Dad OP?

[PurpleMoonlight]

the wicker man said:

my son was took from me before he was born, she was Irish & went back to the Roi, all i have of him is a scan print out, hes now nearly 6 & i don't even know his name, i have tried for years to find them with no luck, i know there in the roi somewhere, no body will tell me anything her family just stone wall me etc etc

hes my boy & i don't even know what he looks like its destroying me from the inside out, its destroying my life & my marriage

Feel for you.

You need to accept that the mother holds all the cards and you are not even in the game. Try to concentrate on what is good in your life and the future you have with your wife. I know that is easy to say but not easy to do, and it took me at least 6 years to get there, but you can get there, you must get there. You must not let grief and an evil woman ruin your life.

The past couple of years I have been concentrating on working hard to build my business and trying to see as much of the world as I can (not that easy when I don't like flying ). For me it worked wonders and now I find myself looking forward to my next trip and not back at the darkness of depression and self pity.

[the wicker man]

cheers i have good days & bad days on it, your thread just got me on a bad day with it all

im alot better now than i was a few years ago

Edited by the wicker man on Tuesday 24th March 16:21

[Mark Benson]

blindswelledrat said:

On the question of whether she is yours: I would suggest it's highly unlikely she isn't yours as it would have been far better for your wife to tell her that her new husband was the father right from the off.

That presupposes the ex applied logic to any of this, which given the usual breakup/access/batst mental stuff exes do to one another and what we've been told so far about her behaviour, is still in doubt.

I'd call her and tell her he's welcome in my life if indeed he is my son, and that I'd be willing to pay for a paternity test to determine that. Given her behaviour in the past it's not unreasonable.

[Zod]

mph1977 said:

Impasse said:

The same number (although now with extra digits on the front) ever since my Motorola was fitted to my 3 year old Y reg Ford Sierra 2.3 Ghia.

However, I think we might be getting side-tracked.

indeed , but i do know of people who have 25 + year old mobile numbers and plenty of people ( myself included ) with 15+ years o nthe same mobile number.

the OPs dilemma is compounded by his paternity doubts ... if the paternity doubts weren't there it would be a case of check you aren't about to be taken to the cleaners for child support ...

it could be innocent
the child could be an absolute little git and mum wants rid ( whether that is correctable is a whole tray of tins of worms )
mum could have a new man who doesn't want the child around

no child of 10 can be that bad.