Engagement / Relationship Woes
Discussion
SpeckledJim said:
If you've got two kids already, I don't think if you are going to split up it makes a great deal of difference if you're married or not?
Yep, you are pretty much correct. Once children are involved, the fact you are married makes very very little difference. Even with finances & assets, the only thing the court/CSA/amicable agreements care about is the children and what happens to them.Even with the cost of getting married, if there is the slightest chance the relationship could be made to work *with effort* if needed, then you have GOT TO try that route for the sake of the children. You are already in as deep as you ever will be just by having two children with her.
Sorry OP, but when I go away for work I consider myself the lucky one even if I have a long plane ride home (basically just sitting doing nothing!!!) and rush hour traffic (more sitting in you own bubble_!!
As someone else said, as soon as I walked in the door, I'd take over child care because I wanted to and also give the wife a break. Only later did we crash on the sofa and console each other.
The violence is unacceptable though.
As someone else said, as soon as I walked in the door, I'd take over child care because I wanted to and also give the wife a break. Only later did we crash on the sofa and console each other.
The violence is unacceptable though.
Andehh said:
SpeckledJim said:
If you've got two kids already, I don't think if you are going to split up it makes a great deal of difference if you're married or not?
Yep, you are pretty much correct. Once children are involved, the fact you are married makes very very little difference. Even with finances & assets, the only thing the court/CSA/amicable agreements care about is the children and what happens to them.Even with the cost of getting married, if there is the slightest chance the relationship could be made to work *with effort* if needed, then you have GOT TO try that route for the sake of the children. You are already in as deep as you ever will be just by having two children with her.
OP, if you can afford it, see if you can get the kids in nursery for a few days a week. You get funding from (2?) these days. Doesn't pay for full time, but it might help your wife get some downtime.
Does she work? If not would she like to? Are they driving her mad?
Looking after 2 little ones all day is a killer.
I'm not justifying the violence, but it's possible that she is struggling with sleep deprivation and a level of post natal depression (or similar)?
Does she work? If not would she like to? Are they driving her mad?
Looking after 2 little ones all day is a killer.
I'm not justifying the violence, but it's possible that she is struggling with sleep deprivation and a level of post natal depression (or similar)?
[quote=KrazyIvan]
As an aside I would not be letting her drive around in an aggressive frustrated mood with upset emotional kids in the car, this on its own is a recipe for disaster.
[quote]
Having a mother who used to scare the crap out of me and my elder sister doing just this, I can assure you it needs to be watched....
Only 9 crashes and 2 cars were written off, so it wasn’t that bad….
As an aside I would not be letting her drive around in an aggressive frustrated mood with upset emotional kids in the car, this on its own is a recipe for disaster.
[quote]
Having a mother who used to scare the crap out of me and my elder sister doing just this, I can assure you it needs to be watched....
Only 9 crashes and 2 cars were written off, so it wasn’t that bad….
Vaud said:
OP, if you can afford it, see if you can get the kids in nursery for a few days a week. You get funding from (2?) these days. Doesn't pay for full time, but it might help your wife get some downtime.
Does she work? If not would she like to? Are they driving her mad?
Looking after 2 little ones all day is a killer.
I'm not justifying the violence, but it's possible that she is struggling with sleep deprivation and a level of post natal depression (or similar)?
Funding from 3. I think the 2 is means tested. Does she work? If not would she like to? Are they driving her mad?
Looking after 2 little ones all day is a killer.
I'm not justifying the violence, but it's possible that she is struggling with sleep deprivation and a level of post natal depression (or similar)?
BoRED S2upid said:
Funding from 3. I think the 2 is means tested.
Ah yes.https://www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-...
I should really know, seeing as I have a 3 year old full time in nursery...
Sounds like this is a temporary thing and then it is back to business as usual in your job. You say she did not raise objections when you discussed the impact of changing your job, and describe her very different reaction when you returned home from this trip. Sounds like you need to revisit that conversation in a conciliatory setting with a SOFT drink and approach with her and impress on her that it is a short term thing for long term gain. Express the benefit that it brings to the family long term and ask if she can buy into that disturbance for the expected period of time and muck in with you as you dislike being away from her and the kids as much as she does.
Then somehow you need to have the difficult conversation about her behaviour in front (or within earshot) of the kids, and agree how that will not be good for them. Maybe ask what it is that you do to trigger her extreme reactions - you never know, there may be something that you are missing? Try to explore it and try to get her to see that if she cannot tell you how you trigger and exacerbate the situation, the she must learn to manage her anger herself, and maybe she needs help to understand how to do that.
Find some agreeable way to point out that it is getting out of hand the next time it kicks off. A safe word, anything else you can agree, but really have something to defuse the situation which you both understand is non aggressive.
TLDR: reset expectation. See if you trigger issues. Plan to work through the job change short term. Address her long standing anger issues.
Good luck with it. If you both want it to happen, it will.
Then somehow you need to have the difficult conversation about her behaviour in front (or within earshot) of the kids, and agree how that will not be good for them. Maybe ask what it is that you do to trigger her extreme reactions - you never know, there may be something that you are missing? Try to explore it and try to get her to see that if she cannot tell you how you trigger and exacerbate the situation, the she must learn to manage her anger herself, and maybe she needs help to understand how to do that.
Find some agreeable way to point out that it is getting out of hand the next time it kicks off. A safe word, anything else you can agree, but really have something to defuse the situation which you both understand is non aggressive.
TLDR: reset expectation. See if you trigger issues. Plan to work through the job change short term. Address her long standing anger issues.
Good luck with it. If you both want it to happen, it will.
gashead1105 said:
Aside from the violence, which isn't good on either side, from her perspective you've buggered off abroad to get pissed for a night or two and left her with two small children, and then complained that you are tired. Does your 1 year old sleep through the night regularly? My (now three year old) son didn't until about 7/8 months ago, and my wife was basically exhausted for two and a bit years. We could easily be at loggerheads for 24 hours during this time.
And on top of that she's working as a carer, probably the most s
tty job imaginable.Her swearing around the kids and violence is unacceptable though but it seems the OP has accepted it until now.
Jefferson Steelflex said:
Your experiences are remarkably similar to mine - I was away a lot travelling the world on business while my kids were young and even though I was working 18 hour days, flying unsociable hours on st airlines and generally being shat on by work, my wife thought it was all jet set, parties, late night drinking, hookers and drugs. Seriously.
I had to speak to our global CEO about this. He was on a world tour and when he addressed our hourly paid staff he spent a chunk of time describing the trip, which from his perspective had been hell. To people that don’t routinely do this sort of thing it sounded like a month long holiday!t airlines and generally being shat on by work, my wife thought it was all jet set, parties, late night drinking, hookers and drugs. Seriously. Jefferson Steelflex said:
It was all I culd do to convince her I hated it as much as she did. Even when I was having a good time, and there were a few, I made sure she thought it was crap.
I took my wife on one sales conference trip to the US and she said “never again” due to the schedule! And she likes travelling (I hate it).WestyCarl said:
As someone else said, as soon as I walked in the door, I'd take over child care because I wanted to and also give the wife a break.
I learnt you have to do this the hard way.Not long after our daughter was born and I was back in work I'd had a long and difficult day, got home and announced how tired I was and that I might go and have a bath to relax a bit.
Now I'd rather pulverise my own scrotum with a steak tenderiser than try that again
WinstonWolf said:
I think you need to find a babysitter for the kids so you can sit down and have a proper talk with her and find out what's really going on. She's probably pissed about something else and this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
Act in haste and repent at leisure and all that...
Agreed. My mrs seems to bottle things up and an apparently small issue (to me) then causes a disproportionate response. Your reaction to belittle and ignore/push past her has then lit the blue touch paper.Act in haste and repent at leisure and all that...
Find out the root cause, dont be gauded into anger, have an adult conversation.
Also should add though that if kids weren't involved this would be a relationship ending situation.
Without wanting to sound harsh, you've clearly chosen one of nutty ones.
I say you're lucky you're not married already and to cut your losses now. Easier said than done, I'm sure.
She'll be taking the kids whether you kick her out or not, and even if she leaves of her own accord, the fallout will barely be any different than if YOU kicked HER out.
Forget everyone on here telling you she has a point because she's left behind looking after the kids while you're learning the ropes in a new job and therefore that somehow excuses her behviour. She's been violent before, she's done it again (over nothing) and is quite happy to tell your kids that you don't want them.
She's an absolute nutter and it's not going to be pretty from here on in.
I say you're lucky you're not married already and to cut your losses now. Easier said than done, I'm sure.
She'll be taking the kids whether you kick her out or not, and even if she leaves of her own accord, the fallout will barely be any different than if YOU kicked HER out.
Forget everyone on here telling you she has a point because she's left behind looking after the kids while you're learning the ropes in a new job and therefore that somehow excuses her behviour. She's been violent before, she's done it again (over nothing) and is quite happy to tell your kids that you don't want them.
She's an absolute nutter and it's not going to be pretty from here on in.
Given birth? Had to be with two very young children? Had a very young child for one day before?
Had the maelstrom of hormones and the mess childbirth does to your body?
Nutty? Do you have children - no I don't mean you having children and thinking it's easy.
The men stay, listen, perceivere, the boys run off and find a new woman saying it was her fault.
Had the maelstrom of hormones and the mess childbirth does to your body?
Nutty? Do you have children - no I don't mean you having children and thinking it's easy.
The men stay, listen, perceivere, the boys run off and find a new woman saying it was her fault.
hora said:
Given birth? Had to be with two very young children? Had a very young child for one day before?
Had the maelstrom of hormones and the mess childbirth does to your body?
Nutty? Do you have children - no I don't mean you having children and thinking it's easy.
The men stay, listen, perceivere, the boys run off and find a new woman saying it was her fault.
If that's directed at me then I didn't suggest any of that was easy but you do seem to be making excuses for her being physically violent to her partner.Had the maelstrom of hormones and the mess childbirth does to your body?
Nutty? Do you have children - no I don't mean you having children and thinking it's easy.
The men stay, listen, perceivere, the boys run off and find a new woman saying it was her fault.
When have you ever heard someone tell a female DV victim she should stick around and try and work it out? Never!
Andehh said:
We have both done the ''engagement ring / wedding ring on the counter'' routine, and she has squared up to me screaming in my face, I have done the banging things hard enough to hurt my fists etc etc and I think people often forget that this is actually part of a relationship.
No it fking isn't! 
I've had one relationship like that, I left because of it.
No one needs that in their life.
A mate of mine endured 20 years of it before his wife left him fort someone with more money. He's now met someone nice (I suspect it's not worked out as well for the ex, what a shame) and, looking back, can't believe that he put up with it so long.
Disagreements, yes. Arguments, maybe. Squaring up screaming in the other persons' face?
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