I just sneezed and...
Discussion
DaveL485 said:
Oh god. This brings painful memories flooding back, but PMSL at some of the posts.
I Have-
Fallen backwards over £5k worth of camera equipment while the owner was shooting my car for Track and sprint magazine.
Had the bonnet pins fracture and the bonnet tore off my car @ 120mph on the straight at bruntingthorpe.....while being shot for Retro car magazine.
Hit my thumb with a hammer so hard it split round the edges.
Had burning weld spatter in my ear
Blinded myself in one eye for 4 days with flying grinder sparks.
Set myself on fire. Twice. Just the legs though and a bit of psychotic chicken dancing soon put it out.
Had arc-eye. That is THE worst pain EVER.
Was undoing the rear diff drain plug on my R21 Quadra. Pulling on the 3/8 ratchet towards me lying under the car....the alloy bung cracked off suddenly and a smacked myself square in the face. Felt like a right t
t.
Working under the car reaching up to undo a 16mm bolt. Fumbled the spanner. Lay there with my arms up in the engine bay listening to the clatter-clatter of the spanner dropping down towards me. Saw it 1/1000th of a second before it smacked my right in the middle of the forehead. Left a half-ring shaped bruise....damn did I swear.
Picked up a bit of tube right after welding it without thinking. Left my fingerprints on it.
Amateur mistake a few years back- Undid the expansion tank cap when a rad hose got a small split in it. Engine was about 120deg. Coolant exploded out the exp tank all over my right forearm and removed most of the skin and nerve endings. Still have scars ten years on.
Caught my top in a wire brush attachment on a drill. Unfortunately the button was pressed in to keep it running when I didnt have the trigger pressed. It snatched out of my hand and proceeded to try and throttle me as it wound my jumper up around itself.
Thats enough for now I Think, save for on my first car in 1996 when I first started arsing about with cars....
Filled the engine oil back up but forgot to put the sump plug back in......
ETA> Also, boarded the loft out. Stood back to admire my work.....save I tried to stand where the hatch was. I ended up hanging in mid air with one leg dangling down, One leg still in the attic, trying to scramble back before I fell. Hit the floor about a second later and woke the baby with the noise. I'm lying on the floor groaning and the Mrs scrambles up the stairs.....not to help, but to chastise me for waking the little'un up!!!
I Have-
Fallen backwards over £5k worth of camera equipment while the owner was shooting my car for Track and sprint magazine.
Had the bonnet pins fracture and the bonnet tore off my car @ 120mph on the straight at bruntingthorpe.....while being shot for Retro car magazine.
Hit my thumb with a hammer so hard it split round the edges.
Had burning weld spatter in my ear
Blinded myself in one eye for 4 days with flying grinder sparks.
Set myself on fire. Twice. Just the legs though and a bit of psychotic chicken dancing soon put it out.
Had arc-eye. That is THE worst pain EVER.
Was undoing the rear diff drain plug on my R21 Quadra. Pulling on the 3/8 ratchet towards me lying under the car....the alloy bung cracked off suddenly and a smacked myself square in the face. Felt like a right t
t.Working under the car reaching up to undo a 16mm bolt. Fumbled the spanner. Lay there with my arms up in the engine bay listening to the clatter-clatter of the spanner dropping down towards me. Saw it 1/1000th of a second before it smacked my right in the middle of the forehead. Left a half-ring shaped bruise....damn did I swear.
Picked up a bit of tube right after welding it without thinking. Left my fingerprints on it.
Amateur mistake a few years back- Undid the expansion tank cap when a rad hose got a small split in it. Engine was about 120deg. Coolant exploded out the exp tank all over my right forearm and removed most of the skin and nerve endings. Still have scars ten years on.
Caught my top in a wire brush attachment on a drill. Unfortunately the button was pressed in to keep it running when I didnt have the trigger pressed. It snatched out of my hand and proceeded to try and throttle me as it wound my jumper up around itself.
Thats enough for now I Think, save for on my first car in 1996 when I first started arsing about with cars....
Filled the engine oil back up but forgot to put the sump plug back in......
ETA> Also, boarded the loft out. Stood back to admire my work.....save I tried to stand where the hatch was. I ended up hanging in mid air with one leg dangling down, One leg still in the attic, trying to scramble back before I fell. Hit the floor about a second later and woke the baby with the noise. I'm lying on the floor groaning and the Mrs scrambles up the stairs.....not to help, but to chastise me for waking the little'un up!!!
Edited by DaveL485 on Thursday 10th January 11:36
me, you are a disaster with legs. 
I am in total awe at most of this thread.
I have a few minor ones myself, but I can't compete with the cock injuries and utter, utter stupidity of some fellow PHers.
I have fallen right down the stairs in the morning, when a sudden cramp in my big toe made it stick up and get caught in the cuff of my opposite pyjama leg. All the way down the stairs to land face-first against the opposite wall.
Yesterday was a good one though. When I managed to shut my own head in the boot of the Audi.
I was livid with myself for not being able to find the locking wheel nut key. It was night, so I went to get the torch to have a root about in the toolbox cubby in the boot. Bloody torch battery had run out. I was so pissed off I reached up to the grab handle inside the tailgate, and pulled it hard to slam it shut.
Except I still had my head in the boot, didn't I.
Donger.
I have a few minor ones myself, but I can't compete with the cock injuries and utter, utter stupidity of some fellow PHers.
I have fallen right down the stairs in the morning, when a sudden cramp in my big toe made it stick up and get caught in the cuff of my opposite pyjama leg. All the way down the stairs to land face-first against the opposite wall.
Yesterday was a good one though. When I managed to shut my own head in the boot of the Audi.
I was livid with myself for not being able to find the locking wheel nut key. It was night, so I went to get the torch to have a root about in the toolbox cubby in the boot. Bloody torch battery had run out. I was so pissed off I reached up to the grab handle inside the tailgate, and pulled it hard to slam it shut.
Except I still had my head in the boot, didn't I.
Donger.
Vesuvius 996 said:
I had a mate called Phillip Binny at school.
We played badminton on Friday afternoons. We had to put up the nets with two poles on stands. The net was stretched across and then the remaining string was tied arounda hook half way up the posts.
One friday afternoon Phil climed the pole on his side and threaded the net. He then slid down the pole "fireman style" and an doing so caught his ballsack on the hook, ripping his scrotum open like a torn paper bag.
His screams as his boocks dangled round his knees hanging only by the sinewy vas deferens were really quite someting.
He still (at 41)known as "Adolf...."
:wince:We played badminton on Friday afternoons. We had to put up the nets with two poles on stands. The net was stretched across and then the remaining string was tied arounda hook half way up the posts.
One friday afternoon Phil climed the pole on his side and threaded the net. He then slid down the pole "fireman style" and an doing so caught his ballsack on the hook, ripping his scrotum open like a torn paper bag.
His screams as his bo
ocks dangled round his knees hanging only by the sinewy vas deferens were really quite someting.He still (at 41)known as "Adolf...."
_Batty_ said:
i once welded up a spade handle, which had cracked, horride weld, but it held and the spade was glowing nicely as i left to pack up.
all tools away, so i grabbed the spade by the handle.
exactly where i had welded it.
4 inchs of skin peeled off
Welding is indeed dangerous all tools away, so i grabbed the spade by the handle.
exactly where i had welded it.
4 inchs of skin peeled off
When I was doing an apprentiship back in the UK one of the things I had to do was learn to weld (MIG I think it was), anyway I was welding a steel counter balance weight to a large steel ring and got really into it, so much so that I sort of went into a trance looking at the pretty bright blob of weld that was getting bigger and bigger. Then it rolled off the ring and onto the wooden table that was just enough on the piss for the blob to roll toward me and fall off the table onto the top of my trainer, through my trainer, my sock, and ultimately my foot. Which was nice
Famous Graham said:
Plotloss said:
Hand through steering wheel to reset odometer.
You can guess the rest.
Never actually hit anything but have done it a couple of times and amazed myself at the level of complete and utter stupidity.
I still do that, but to reset the instrument panel illumination (Honda thought it would be useful to dim it when you turn the lights on You can guess the rest.
Never actually hit anything but have done it a couple of times and amazed myself at the level of complete and utter stupidity.
)
/me is amazed
mickken said:
Tried to smell a new shower gel in the supermarket a few years ago. It had one of those plastic anti spill, self sealing jobs on it. I squeezed a little, nothing, little more, nothing and then bang. Shot out and got me right on the eye ball.....bloody stung. There were witnesses too!!
Did you have to buy it?KingRichard said:
Vesuvius 996 said:
I had a mate called Phillip Binny at school.
We played badminton on Friday afternoons. We had to put up the nets with two poles on stands. The net was stretched across and then the remaining string was tied arounda hook half way up the posts.
One friday afternoon Phil climed the pole on his side and threaded the net. He then slid down the pole "fireman style" and an doing so caught his ballsack on the hook, ripping his scrotum open like a torn paper bag.
His screams as his boocks dangled round his knees hanging only by the sinewy vas deferens were really quite someting.
He still (at 41)known as "Adolf...."
:wince:We played badminton on Friday afternoons. We had to put up the nets with two poles on stands. The net was stretched across and then the remaining string was tied arounda hook half way up the posts.
One friday afternoon Phil climed the pole on his side and threaded the net. He then slid down the pole "fireman style" and an doing so caught his ballsack on the hook, ripping his scrotum open like a torn paper bag.
His screams as his bo
ocks dangled round his knees hanging only by the sinewy vas deferens were really quite someting.He still (at 41)known as "Adolf...."
Won't be doing that again will he!!!I bought a new beard trimmer grooming thing yesterday. Last night trying to use it, and it says first thing to do is oil the blades slightly with the supplied tube of oil. So, I open top and squeeze. Nothing comes out the spout. I squeeze harder, still nothing, so really go for it on this tiny weak plastic bottle. The top shoots off and squirts oil all over the tiles, the towels, the whole bloody bathroom.
Why didn't I check to see if the end was blocked?
You do wonder how someone can be quite so dumb.
Why didn't I check to see if the end was blocked?
You do wonder how someone can be quite so dumb.
Plotloss said:
Hand through steering wheel to reset odometer.
Ah yes. I've done the same, but reaching for a cigarette lighter in the binnacle. Complete failure of brain to communicate with both hands: right one desperately reaching for a lighter, left one turning the wheel really hard and trying chop the right one off in order to go round the roundabout.
Whilst riding my bike, and talking on my fone, i was trying the clear some of the crap out my gears, and forgot i was still travelling forward quite quickly.... Head first over a hedge to land in a pile of cow pat. My mate i was talking to on the phone pissed himself when i told him what happened.
Drunk, in a tuxedo at a University summer ball, I thought I would impress the ladies by attempting to jump over what looked to me like a relatively low wall. "Watch this" I said in anticipation of warm applause and wolf whistles...
Run....jump...SMACK....CRUNCH.
Didn't clear it and smacked my shin on the angle of the top of the wall. Also did not realise the ground the otherside was at a lower level than the ground I was jumping from.
End result was a face full of gravel (girlfriend picked bits out of my lip), a lump on my shin the size of a golfball and nice smattering of blood on my white dress shirt.
Well done me.
Run....jump...SMACK....CRUNCH.
Didn't clear it and smacked my shin on the angle of the top of the wall. Also did not realise the ground the otherside was at a lower level than the ground I was jumping from.
End result was a face full of gravel (girlfriend picked bits out of my lip), a lump on my shin the size of a golfball and nice smattering of blood on my white dress shirt.
Well done me.
Big Rod said:
And finally, while demonstrating a TEMS/TENS <?> machine to my wife for her back pain while she was pregnant, I attached all four pads to my arm and switched the thing on. Unbeknown to me, it was on full power and I proceeded to uncontrollably and repeatedly whack myself over the head with my right arm. Of course it was quite difficult to switch the thing off as I was holding it in my right hand.
My wife nearly gave birth right there and then.
Thanks mate, that is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time My wife nearly gave birth right there and then.
One of mine here.
I decided to impress my girlfriend by running out on the patio naked in the middle of winter when it had snowed.
I ran out, and down the garden with the entire contents of my trousers on full display, like a giant pair of plums wrapped in a turkey neck.
As I ran down the garden, she must have closed the patio door to stop the draught.
I of course, didn't see this, and ran back, leaping back through the now closed patio door at full pelt.
I bounced off, and left a perfect greasy human imprint with an enormous c0ck mark where the old chap had slapped against the glass. I pissed blood for two days.
I decided to impress my girlfriend by running out on the patio naked in the middle of winter when it had snowed.
I ran out, and down the garden with the entire contents of my trousers on full display, like a giant pair of plums wrapped in a turkey neck.
As I ran down the garden, she must have closed the patio door to stop the draught.
I of course, didn't see this, and ran back, leaping back through the now closed patio door at full pelt.
I bounced off, and left a perfect greasy human imprint with an enormous c0ck mark where the old chap had slapped against the glass. I pissed blood for two days.
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