Sean Connery Joke (Volume IV)
Discussion
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman:No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:I don'tknow.
White:I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:Strong.
White:Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:Louis.
White:Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:-Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:For ten pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:I don't know. I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter:What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller:Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil:I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q:Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A:Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie:On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:Er .. . .
Leslie:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:Er .. . ..
Leslie:He makes cakes . . ...
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:Magna Carta ?.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .... ER .. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle:In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle:I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ..... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
P au l Wappat:How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long p au se): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham:Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully):It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er .. . .
Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . ..
Contestant:Blimey?
Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant
Silence)
Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:Jewish.
Presenter:That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman:No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:I don'tknow.
White:I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:Strong.
White:Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:Louis.
White:Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:-Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:For ten pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:I don't know. I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter:What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller:Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil:I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q:Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A:Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie:On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:Er .. . .
Leslie:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:Er .. . ..
Leslie:He makes cakes . . ...
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:Magna Carta ?.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .... ER .. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle:In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle:I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ..... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
P au l Wappat:How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long p au se): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham:Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully):It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er .. . .
Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . ..
Contestant:Blimey?
Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant
Silence)Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:Jewish.
Presenter:That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here.. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here.. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
cobra kid said:
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman:No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:I don'tknow.
White:I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:Strong.
White:Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:Louis.
White:Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:-Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:For ten pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:I don't know. I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter:What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller:Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil:I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q:Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A:Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie:On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:Er .. . .
Leslie:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:Er .. . ..
Leslie:He makes cakes . . ...
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:Magna Carta ?.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .... ER .. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle:In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle:I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ..... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
P au l Wappat:How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long p au se): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham:Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully):It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er .. . .
Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . ..
Contestant:Blimey?
Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
ContestantSilence)
Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:Jewish.
Presenter:That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.
They are BRILLIANT!Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman:No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:I don'tknow.
White:I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:Strong.
White:Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:Louis.
White:Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:-Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:For ten pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:I don't know. I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter:What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller:Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil:I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q:Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A:Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie:On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:Er .. . .
Leslie:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:Er .. . ..
Leslie:He makes cakes . . ...
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:Magna Carta ?.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .... ER .. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle:In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle:I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ..... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
P au l Wappat:How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long p au se): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham:Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully):It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er .. . .
Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . ..
Contestant:Blimey?
Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant
Silence)Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:Jewish.
Presenter:That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.
crofty1984 said:
brum said:
Justayellowbadge said:
Little known fact, all tennis players as witches.
Yes, all of them.
Murray? Yep.
Nadal? Him too.
Goran? Even he's a witch.
Yes, all of them.
Murray? Yep.
Nadal? Him too.
Goran? Even he's a witch.
I don't know tennis. (And anyway it's about 10 past 7 here)
cobra kid said:
A massive c&p of every 'joke' that has ever been emailed to him, with all the good one bizarrely edited out.
That post defies the law of averages. MyBrainHurts is proof of the fact that if you say enough things then sooner or later one will be funny.Yet you have disproved it in one nasty post.
I feel sick.
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